Chaos, My Little Talisman. Options

[Chaos, my little...]

I just lost my boy on Monday, April 9, 2007 @ 1:30 p.m. He was 14 1/2. Chaos was a Chocolate Point Siamese, and was very devoted and loving. He was so intelligent, and I think that's a big reason why I became extraordinarily attached to him. When I would come home from work, he would be waiting for me. I would reach down with my arms open, gesturing for him to come to me, and he would stand up on his hind legs, putting his front legs in the air so that I could pick him up (and he would often take advantage of that, and stretch REALLYYYYYY good!). If I was on the computer too long, and not paying enough attention to him, he would jump up on the desk and just stare at me. Then if that didn't work, he would begin reaching out his paw to tap me on the arm to get my attention. If I asked him if he was hungry, he would come running MEOWING like crazy! Those are just a few things that he would do that just tugged on my heart strings.

I didn't think that I would have the strength to euthanize him if the time came that I actually had to make the choice. But he developed thrombosis, and a large blood clot clogged his main artery in his lower belly, which cut off the blood supply to his lower belly, legs and tail. He was in agony, screaming and extremely frightened. I immediately called my sister to accompany me to the vet (I just couldn't do it alone, as my gut was saying that this was our final day together). We were at the vet about half and hour later, and the assistant took him to the Dr. (who was in the middle of a surgery), and that's when she found his blood clot. I was told that his body temperature had dropped significantly and that he was old, in great pain, and was trying to die. So she gave him a dose of pain medicine, and brought him to me after he was sedated. I was given the option to have him sent to the Care Center (a 24 hour animal hospital), but she felt that he simply would not survive the treatment (which causes excrutiating pain as the clot dissolves, and the fluids that he would be given via IV would possibly fill his heart sack, giving him a heart attack). His odds of surviving all of this was 5-10 percent. Then there was the question of how much permanent damage there would be to deal with if he did make it. I asked her what she would do if he were hers. She said she would be self-less, and let him go. So I did. When she quietly told me that his heart had stopped after the final injection, I almost collapsed sobbing hysterically. Thank God my twin sister was there to cry with me, or I feel the pain would have driven me insane.

I have about seven pictures of him, and wish so much that I had more. I wish I had taken him to the cardiologist when it was suggested a few years ago (I don't make much and it was gonna be several hundred dollars, and I was/am treating my other little one, Katie, who has been battling a dreadful skin affliction-which was taking up alot of my resources). I ask myself "Maybe they would have caught the thrombosis???". I wish I had kept the litter box a bit more clean (he was very dignified and liked it to be completely fresh, and who can blame him?). I wish that I had taken him outside more so that he could play in the sunshine in the courtyard (Katie refuses to go outside, so just me and Chaos would go out). I wish many more things too, but most of all I wish I could look into his sky-blue eyes, and kiss his cheek, and tell him how much of my heart he filled up and how much he helped to make my life worth living.

He has a beautiful spot in the park near my home. We found an area off the beaten path, and placed him there. I'm going to put some plants there soon, maybe a fern, which somehow seems appropriate.

I know that Katie needs companionship with another cat, but I'm not ready. I want to wait several months, but I realize that her needs take precedence. I'll wait for the moment, and just concentrate on the both of us healing.

My heart is shattered, but I am so grateful that I was there with him when the clot happened, and when he passed away.

Chaos has changed me forever, through his love, his life, and his death.

[Chaos, my little...]

Today it has been 2 months since Chaos died. It still seems surreal. I miss him so much, it's really hard to express it. Ugh. Sometimes there just aren't words to say how much really was lost, and will never be re-gained.