I just lost my boy on Monday, April 9, 2007 @ 1:30 p.m. He was 14 1/2. Chaos was a Chocolate Point Siamese, and was very devoted and loving. He was so intelligent, and I think that's a big reason why I became extraordinarily attached to him. When I would come home from work, he would be waiting for me. I would reach down with my arms open, gesturing for him to come to me, and he would stand up on his hind legs, putting his front legs in the air so that I could pick him up (and he would often take advantage of that, and stretch REALLYYYYYY good!). If I was on the computer too long, and not paying enough attention to him, he would jump up on the desk and just stare at me. Then if that didn't work, he would begin reaching out his paw to tap me on the arm to get my attention. If I asked him if he was hungry, he would come running MEOWING like crazy! Those are just a few things that he would do that just tugged on my heart strings.

I didn't think that I would have the strength to euthanize him if the time came that I actually had to make the choice. But he developed thrombosis, and a large blood clot clogged his main artery in his lower belly, which cut off the blood supply to his lower belly, legs and tail. He was in agony, screaming and extremely frightened. I immediately called my sister to accompany me to the vet (I just couldn't do it alone, as my gut was saying that this was our final day together). We were at the vet about half and hour later, and the assistant took him to the Dr. (who was in the middle of a surgery), and that's when she found his blood clot. I was told that his body temperature had dropped significantly and that he was old, in great pain, and was trying to die. So she gave him a dose of pain medicine, and brought him to me after he was sedated. I was given the option to have him sent to the Care Center (a 24 hour animal hospital), but she felt that he simply would not survive the treatment (which causes excrutiating pain as the clot dissolves, and the fluids that he would be given via IV would possibly fill his heart sack, giving him a heart attack). His odds of surviving all of this was 5-10 percent. Then there was the question of how much permanent damage there would be to deal with if he did make it. I asked her what she would do if he were hers. She said she would be self-less, and let him go. So I did. When she quietly told me that his heart had stopped after the final injection, I almost collapsed sobbing hysterically. Thank God my twin sister was there to cry with me, or I feel the pain would have driven me insane.

I have about seven pictures of him, and wish so much that I had more. I wish I had taken him to the cardiologist when it was suggested a few years ago (I don't make much and it was gonna be several hundred dollars, and I was/am treating my other little one, Katie, who has been battling a dreadful skin affliction-which was taking up alot of my resources). I ask myself "Maybe they would have caught the thrombosis???". I wish I had kept the litter box a bit more clean (he was very dignified and liked it to be completely fresh, and who can blame him?). I wish that I had taken him outside more so that he could play in the sunshine in the courtyard (Katie refuses to go outside, so just me and Chaos would go out). I wish many more things too, but most of all I wish I could look into his sky-blue eyes, and kiss his cheek, and tell him how much of my heart he filled up and how much he helped to make my life worth living.

He has a beautiful spot in the park near my home. We found an area off the beaten path, and placed him there. I'm going to put some plants there soon, maybe a fern, which somehow seems appropriate.

I know that Katie needs companionship with another cat, but I'm not ready. I want to wait several months, but I realize that her needs take precedence. I'll wait for the moment, and just concentrate on the both of us healing.

My heart is shattered, but I am so grateful that I was there with him when the clot happened, and when he passed away.

Chaos has changed me forever, through his love, his life, and his death.

I just did some more research on ATE (Arterial Thromboembolism) and read that due to his age, and declining health, had he been on anti-clotting meds he still would have had about a 75% chance that this was going to happen anyway. I feel a little bit better, but I'm still carrying a great deal of guilt, which I understand is normal. My sister says that it would have been cruel to go to such great lengths when his whole body was breaking down anyway-not just his heart, my mom says the same thing. He had arthritis, and bad cataracts in both eyes. His sense of balance was almost gone. He was losing more weight every month, despite all the tasty treats and food he was given.

I remember when my mom had to put our family dog on heart meds, and he was so sick, and prone to seizures. While comforting me, she told me that she regretted not just letting him go. I've always gone to extraordinary measures for my two babies. Spent thousands on them for healthcare, food (all natural kibble from the vet which costs an arm and a leg (but it's worth it), and whatever else they needed. So the questions of "What if" are literally haunting me.

I just thought that I had more time with him. Within a few hours he was taken from me.

I wanted to dedicate some lyrics to my precious friend:

Songbird
Written by Christine McVie

For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right

To you, I'll give the world
To you, I'll never be cold
'cause I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right.

And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before.

And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.

And the songbirds keep singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before, like never before.

Dear Chaos's Mom,
I am so sorry for your loss, its such a terrible place to be when your little love bug is so sick and r its hard to know if you made the right decisions. You did the most selfless and loving act for your buddy by letting him go, its the worst place to be but let me tell you, he is with you all around you and loving you for all the kindness and love you obviously gave him. Everyone second guesses themselves in the end, I did the same thing with my dog, he was 14 1/2 yrs old, very arthritic and slowing down, and when he suddenly got so sick and was in major distress, I felt I hadn't done enough either, well that I hadn't acted quickly enough...well, there is never enough you can do, you would always feel that way. Just remember he loves you and knows how much he meant to you. You are blessed to have had such as special relationship, I had that with my boy as well, we are thinking of getting a new puppy, and its hard to think of caring for a different dog, I just want my boy back..but it's not his time now, and I think of it like this, that all the pets I have in the future will be blessed in his memory, he laid the foundation for the rest, so truly he will always be with me...but I understand your pain. Peace and love to you, PS this is a great place to come, there are alot of wonderful, supportive people here, especially cat lovers, lots of them. Take it easy and keep up posted on your progress. I also love the lyrics you posted, very nice.. Tory, Hrudey's and Frank's Momma

Dear Chaos' s Mom,

I am so very sorry for your loss, Chaos sounds like a wonderful companion.
Please be gentle with yourself and reach out to those around you for support.

Again, I'm sorry for the pain you must be feeling.



Gretchen, Bob and Stinky's Mom

Dear Chaos's Mom,

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think you could have told him in words how much you loved him....he knew. They really do know how loved they are.

You did the only thing you could have done for him at that point. When they're so sick & you realize that the quality of their life will likely never improve, no matter what extraordinary measures you take, there is only one option left, only one thing you can do as a final act of love for them. You & your sister were brave enough to do this for Chaos. I know how hard it is to let go.

I'm glad you found this site. Please take care of yourself & come back to talk to us, we are here for you.

I wanted to thank everyone that posted. Your kind words and understanding are appreciated and have helped. Today is the first day that I haven't cried for him (yet). I feel, well, absolutely exhausted. I think I dreamed of him, I don't remember what it was about, but it was peaceful. I woke up feeling ok afterwards. Katie is just now realizing that he is really gone. She stays by herself most of the day, but come nightfall, she comes out to be with me (she never really did that before). We are comforting each other through the nights without our boy.

I will post back here again soon. Thanks again for helping ease my grieving heart.

-Jenn

Jenn (Chaos mom)

Chaos sounds like such a special baby, and you gave him a great life. I'm so sorry you lost him. You are in such an early stage of grief, it's so hard right now. My heart just goes out to you. For me after a week things got a tiny bit better. I could breathe at least.

I think we all think of all the things we COULD have done. You could always have done more. Try to focus on the things you DID do to take care of him all his life, and how much you loved each other. Remember you and love where what he wanted most. You gave him a great gift to end his pain and take it on yourself.

We lost our Moustache kitty almost 6 months ago. His loss tore the heart out of our family. I think he had such a huge soul it just got to big and had to expand beyond that little body and fill the Universe with his love. I think that is what happened with Chaos too. The Universe and everyone in it is better for it.

Try not to feel so guilty, you really did do your best. The cats who come into our lives and fill them up are so special, I understand how much he meant to you.

When you can I would love to see a picture of him. I'm glad you have Katie to hold onto as much as she lets you.

Thinking of you and Chaos

Chaos' Mom,

I just read your post and it was uncanny, as I just wrote a post expressing many of the same feelings you're having...the guilt, especially. Anyway, I want you to know that I am here sharing your pain, and I understand too well where you're coming from.

It's outrageous how much we love our pets, isn't it...it's just pure, pure love. The loss is overwhelming. I don't think there's any way to escape those feelings of guilt and shame, wishing things had been otherwise, that we had done something different...any alternative to the devastating truth that they are not here anymore.

It broke my heart, reading your wishes to look into his eyes and stroke his cheek, all those things you might have taken a little for granted when he was here, but would give anything to have now...loss is cruel in that way. All that wishing things were otherwise.

Take good care of yourself, and plant that fern. You're right, it seems like the perfect thing for your sweet kitty.

Katie

Oh, Chaos's Mom, I'm so very very sorry for your loss. Your posts really touched me, especially the poem and the little things about Chaos that you look back on and miss. There are so many wonderful things they give us, and after a while, when the memories don't hurt and truly make us smile, we'll have those, too. I, too, would love to see a picture, when you feel up to sharing one with us.

I'm so glad we have this site, aren't you? It just helps so much, to have this little community of people who really understand and feel the same way about the precious animals that grace our lives.

With much love, thinking of you and Chaos and Katie.

Michelle K. (Lucy & Josie's Mom)

P.S. -- Incidentally, if you feel like telling us, is there a special reason for the name "Chaos"? I think it's a great name -- was he a handful?

Thanks once again for all who have posted, and to those that have read about my boy. It's been a week today since he passed. I haven't really been left alone since then, there has been someone with me since he passed pretty much, which is a blessing. It has kept me busy, and my mind occupied. I am starting to accept that Chaos is gone from me (in this physical life), but when I think of him alone, in the ground, especially when it's been raining so much, and been so wet, well it makes my stomach turn. And then the deep ache inside my soul comes back to the surface. His last hours were so filled with pain. I can't forget his screams. I see shadows in my apartment, and think that I just saw him coming around the corner, but of course it's not him. Katie has officially hit her depression. She now knows he's gone for good. Sooooooo, I've already begun the search for a new companion for her. I put in for adoption of a beautiful Sealpoint Siamese (very similar to Chaos' breed, but different enough that I won't associate him with the new adoptee), but there was someone else that wanted him before me that adopted him, so I'm still looking. I know that the universe will bring him/her to me when the time is right. I will check back in again soon, and thanks again for all the beautiful souls that have helped ease my heart with their compassionate words.

My brother found Chaos in Pinellas County, St. Petersburg, Florida shelter in '93. My whole family had lived there in the 70's, but moved when my sister and I turned three. Ken (my brother) returned to St. Petersburg to live for a while, and he and his wife at the time wanted a cat and decided to rescue one from a shelter. So Chaos and I both were born in the same State, City and probably the same County. He had been brought in by police (that was what it said on his cage), and after a few visits, my brother adopted him. He brought Chaos with him when he came back here to Ohio to stay with me (after his divorce), and after he found his own place to live, he gave Chaos to me. He got his name from the crazy way he would play and literally bounce off the walls. He pretty much lived up to his name his entire life, and aging didn't really alter that part of his personality (he slowed down, but was still crazy from time to time!).

Again, thank you for all the kind words. My life feels so weird right now, I'm doing all the same things as before (well, I just started eating again the last few days, but everything else is the same), but there is a big hole in my universe right now. I associated my life by those that are/were in it, so his absence is HUGE. I'm doing OK as long as I keep busy, but the MOMENT someone brings him up, or I sit down and pause for a second...ugh, my heart starts bleeding again.

Thanks again for all the Love that everyone has been sending to me and Chaos.

Oh, my heart goes out to you. I was there at the end of January - just at the week mark, and I can honestly say that the week following Mo's death was the worst of my entire life. I felt like I was a shell of a person. I have come back, bit by bit, (there's still a huge void), but it was an awful process. All you can really do is to exist, breathe, and get through each day. There is nothing like that pain, but you're doing well and hanging in there. You'll feel exhausted and beaten, like we all have and still do at times, but you'll get through it.

Hugs,

Jen

I received Chaos' paw print last week. It really hurt knowing it was the last paw print he would leave here on this earth. But I'm happy to have it. I miss my boy so much, and am amazed that the world kept spinning after he died. I am surprised that it's already been 15 days, and life continues to move forward without him here...

Another tribute to my friend (some words were changed from the original version);

"Nothing Compares To You"
Performed by: Sinead O'Connor

It's been [several] hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away

Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can [go wherever] I choose,

I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing ...
I said nothing can take away these blues,
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong?

I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you

Went to the doctor-guess what he told me
Guess what he told me?
He said, girl, you better have fun
No matter what you do
But he's a fool ...

'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you ...

All the flowers that you planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away

I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I [wish we could] give it another try
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you.

That's pretty much how it feels without my furbaby too. I see the beautiful weather coming our way and it would be perfect if not for ....
Fifteen days for you, it must feel very raw. Hug Katie, she's lucky that you are thinking about her despite your own grief and that you are thinking of adding to the family, Chaos will illuminate that choice. Like you said,

Toonie,

What a wonderful supportive person you are on this forum! I agree with so many of your viewpoints, it's like we "know" each other already. I have been considering a companion for Katie. I wasn't going to since it is still so INCREDIBLY soon, but when I took her to the vet five days ago for a skin condition, she started talking to the vet's resident kitty, wanting him to come over to her. That was it for me. I knew that I couldn't/shouldn't wait much longer. She needs another brother. There is a kitty about a half hour from my home that I will go see tomorrow. He is two, and a Chocolate Point Siamese, (turns out this was Chaos' breed all along, though he may still have had some Tonk in him, as he looks like both). The only thing is, it was noted that he seemed to prefer men over women (I'm still a bit of a tomboy, so will that count?). I know Chaos understands that this is needed. He will NEVER be replaced, but both me and Katie have SO MUCH love to give, and there are those out there that need it so badly. This new kitty's name is Monkey (so that gives me hope that he's truly a character), though I will re-name him Zen in tribute to Chaos, providing of course that when our eyes meet, we will click. I will come back here to the forum either tomorrow night, or Thursday to let everyone know if there is a new addition to our little family.

Much Love,

Jenn (Chaos' Mom)

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone again. It's been so helpful.

It has been three weeks since Chaos passed away. Somehow it feels like a lifetime to me. I don't understand how it can only be three weeks. The hole he left in my heart seems to have slowed things down for me, and I'm trying not to fall into a depression. Katie has just had some biopsies and it turns out that she has an autoimmune disorder that needs to be suppressed with Coritisone shots every two weeks. She's had one already and it seemed to help, but she still has a ways to go before she's out of the woods. And I know she misses Chaos. Soooooo, I thought that maybe she really needed companionship while I was at work...I adopted a Siamese cat that was in a shelter in a nearby city. He's two, and a complete sweetheart. His original name was Monkey, but his new name is Zen, kinda in tribute to Chaos (Zen is an acceptance of things as they are, which is where I want to be eventually when it comes to Chaos' death). He is already living up to his name, he is veryyyy laid back. I will start a thread about him in new beginnings, and post a pic of him too.

The thing is, I'm feeling very guilty about Zen's easing my pain somewhat. And adopting him so soon after Chaos' death (I wanted to wait, but was thinking that it was Katie's best interest to get her a companion). Since Katie is ill too, I thought that the company of another cat would help speed up her healing.

Then another part of me thinks that since Zen seems so perfect for me, maybe Chaos kinda helped get us together. I know that Chaos NEVER doubted that I adored him, lol. But I still wonder if I should have waited anyway, a certain respectful amount of time, if there is such a thing. I don't know, maybe it seems silly, but I don't want to mar the memory of my boy AT ALL. I miss him terribly, it's just beyond words.

I think it's wonderful that you adopted Zen. You have so much love to give... I believe that Chaos would absolutely want you to share it, as well as to do what's best for Katie. I am thinking of her and saying prayers for her that she'll feel better soon.

I feel for you right now - I know what the first three weeks are like - we've all survived them, and they seem like a blur to me now. It really is tough to avoid falling into a depression after the initial shock wears off. It's so normal, though, to feel so bereft, as we all have to grieve. And such huge losses we are grieving...

My thoughts are with you,

Jen

Mo& Maisie's mom I so agree!

Chao's Mom: that is so right!

I really do think that Chaos has sent you Zen, even helped you pick his name, and Zen's coming on the scene is helping even me from far away right now.
Strange things go on that we don't understand but that isn't important, we can leave ourselves open to them, these are such soothers. I am corresponding with a lady overseas who doesn't believe in after life, yet the deaf 14 yr old dog that she recently adopted has taken on the habits of her recently deceased cat...so many of her cat's old habits, she doesn't understand, neither do I but I know that this doesn't negate that there may be wonderful things going on around us and yes, Zen is the right name,
the right time and the right place for you Chaos's mom and this lightens up the dark path on which we are all trodding.

Same here, I think our guys must have introduced us to each other in another un-understandable way. Much, much appreciated.

Here is a thought to share with you all, which by chance you have just touched on the very subject.

Last night I did my Runes. I asked them to tell me why Lucy had to be taken, what was the point of it, for I can see no reason what so ever that this had to happen. I asked for something concrete, the real reason, I said don't give me all that rubbish about life cycles, birth and death etc cos I already know all this.

And this is what the very last sentence said ......deaths will actually be rerouting opportunities, with union and reunion as the only abiding destinations.

I have never thought about the possibilities of reincarnation but does this elude to the fact that I am being rerouted to that path, to when they are reborn again I will find them? One or both of them? If Lucy hadn't have went I would have been perfectly content with just her and Emily for the rest of our lives, would I have then turned down the chance of having another cat which could have been Denis, reborn and renewed? Will sometime in the future fate lead me to two new cats that will be Lucy and Denis reborn?

I know everything happens for a reason and we don't always know at the time but this has given me something to ponder on today.

Are all our losses rerouting opportunities leading us to find them once again? Only time will tell!

Hey, sorry for posting my views and thoughts of reincarnation here on your topic, I hope you haven't felt that I hijacked your post.

I don't even know what I believe any more or whether reincarnation even exists or if I even believed it in the first place but sometimes you just end up clutching at any little hope if it makes you feel better.

Hi E.M,

I absolutely do not feel like you hijacked my thread. I enjoyed reading your thoughts, and yes I do believe in reincarnation. The energy that fuels our bodies MUST go SOMEWHERE. And I believe that we have the choice to come back again and again if we so desire. There are a number of really great books that I can recommend on the subject (all very scientific, with research, experiments, etc.) if you're interested. It is a great comfort to me since I truly do understand that Chaos' energy still exists. Though there are times when even that doesn't ease the hurt of missing him.

Much Love,

Jenn (Chaos' Mom)

Today it has been 2 months since Chaos died. It still seems surreal. I miss him so much, it's really hard to express it. Ugh. Sometimes there just aren't words to say how much really was lost, and will never be re-gained.

My boy has been gone for six months today. I bought two carnations to put on his resting site tonight after I leave work, one from me and one from Katie. I miss him so much.

Dear Jenn,

My prayers are with you & Chaos tonight.

Hugs to you on this 6 month marker - I know how difficult it is.

Thinking of you and sending you much comfort.

You are in my prayers,

Peace & Love,

Denise