My Heart Bleeds Options

[E.M]

My Denis past away on the 21st December 2006, he was (still is) a beautiful 14 year old black cat and had chronic kidney failure. With the aid of tablets we managed to keep his condition under control for a year until two weeks ago when his levels shot through the roof and he was off his food. The vets took him in to be put on a drip for 3 days where I was allowed to visit him. He picked up a little whilst I was there and I told them he was unhappy with the drip in his arm so they said they would keep him in one more day then I could take him home for the weekend to see if he picked up when he was back in his own home, if not then we would have to think of the inevitable.

There was little change Friday night, and throughout Saturday and was still didn't eat. The only think that seemed to comfort him was an inordinate amount of cuddles which I gave him.
On Sunday there was a complete turnabout and he wolfed down 3 bowls of food and was up and about walking, albeit a bit wobbly. On Monday he went back to the vets and I told them of the positive day previous we had had and they let me take him home again and said if he goes downhill again then there would be little we could do for him. Denis again had given up eating and all he wanted was to be held and kissed and cuddled, which he reciprocated back with such passion and force it was heart wrenching, I had never known him to be like this.

Denis was now very weak and falling over a lot so I had to make the decision for the vet to come round to the house so we could do 'it' together with him in my arms in the chair that we had spent so many hours together sharing so much.

It's the worst thing I have ever ever had to do in my life. The guilt is insurmountable.

I told him that, that night we would turn on the Xmas lights, find the brightest star in the sky and make a wish for him. We carried him outside with us wrapped up in his box and made a wish. I said I would light a candle for him everynight until the New Year.

Tonight even though I will be alone I will try not to be upset. I've gone through every emotion possible from guilt to anger to sadness and back again but tonight I will try to be happy for him. I miss him more than words can explain and its a horrible place to be in right now.

I like to think that I was his earth mother whilst he was here and needed me and now he has left and made that big journey on his own. With every end there is always a beginning.

There is no comfort at a time like this, only, I know I am not going through this alone.

Love you always Denis, I miss you so much it is unbearable. Peace be with you my man, there will never ever be another Denis, eternally yours. ************xx

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Lori,

I'm so glad you posted this to Renee, as it's what I consider normal for the course of grief, too....but don't often-enough hear echoed back. I know from experience that it's so double, or even triple-edged, trying to accept that the pain of loss won't diminish anytime soon, yet feeling relieved to know there's no hurry to rush through it, and even not wanting the pain to lessen too soon, as if that's a mark of an uncaring, unloving heart....which it isn't, but I personally couldn't even imagine moving through the grief in record time.

I'd said this, too, in some other post...that the loss of a child of such and such an age would be expected to take much more time than most people give US (or we give ourselves, often!)....but on the other hand, even those who have lost their human children are often made to feel like they're abnormal, too....so sad, this society. In all losses, the only ones who usually, but not always, understand, are those who've had the same kind of loss. I don't get it....where people's compassion goes, or if they ever had any to begin with, or if they're capable of any, ever! But we shouldn't pass those kinds of non-understandings onto ourselves. They're simply wrong and only make the grief harder to take.

If it's any help, Renee....my nights have been sheer torture, too, lately....after almost 5 months. I sleep with a cat stuffie (with 2 better ones still on order, but not arrived yet), w/o which I'd NEVER get to sleep. It doesn't matter HOW old we are....we need to use whatever works for us. But even then, my dreams lately don't allow me much real rest....full of the awareness, and even the depression!, of having lost my girl, no matter what I'm dreaming of otherwise. It's always there and never leaves, awake or not....and it's taking a toll on me. For me, everything's getting much worse, not better....and I hardly even care, except for wishing I could die, too, and be done with everything and see my kids again, as it SHOULD be. It only feels like I don't belong in this world w/o them, nor do they belong anywhere I'm not with them.

Sabin's and Nissa's Birthday is coming up, on Jan.20...where they would have each been 20 (sounds like a double-whammy...20 on the 20th), followed just 3 days later on Jan.23 by Nissa's fifth month of being gone. All I can think of to do is get a big jug of rum or something....but I'll probably end up buying some chocolate mousies, if I can find them and doing something in their honour....can't even think straight about it yet. Maybe I'll just cry until I can't see straight anymore. This is too hard and I wish my heart WOULD just physically break and end this all in one fell swoop. I know this isn't helpful, but I, too, need to vent right now.