My Heart Bleeds Options

[E.M]

My Denis past away on the 21st December 2006, he was (still is) a beautiful 14 year old black cat and had chronic kidney failure. With the aid of tablets we managed to keep his condition under control for a year until two weeks ago when his levels shot through the roof and he was off his food. The vets took him in to be put on a drip for 3 days where I was allowed to visit him. He picked up a little whilst I was there and I told them he was unhappy with the drip in his arm so they said they would keep him in one more day then I could take him home for the weekend to see if he picked up when he was back in his own home, if not then we would have to think of the inevitable.

There was little change Friday night, and throughout Saturday and was still didn't eat. The only think that seemed to comfort him was an inordinate amount of cuddles which I gave him.
On Sunday there was a complete turnabout and he wolfed down 3 bowls of food and was up and about walking, albeit a bit wobbly. On Monday he went back to the vets and I told them of the positive day previous we had had and they let me take him home again and said if he goes downhill again then there would be little we could do for him. Denis again had given up eating and all he wanted was to be held and kissed and cuddled, which he reciprocated back with such passion and force it was heart wrenching, I had never known him to be like this.

Denis was now very weak and falling over a lot so I had to make the decision for the vet to come round to the house so we could do 'it' together with him in my arms in the chair that we had spent so many hours together sharing so much.

It's the worst thing I have ever ever had to do in my life. The guilt is insurmountable.

I told him that, that night we would turn on the Xmas lights, find the brightest star in the sky and make a wish for him. We carried him outside with us wrapped up in his box and made a wish. I said I would light a candle for him everynight until the New Year.

Tonight even though I will be alone I will try not to be upset. I've gone through every emotion possible from guilt to anger to sadness and back again but tonight I will try to be happy for him. I miss him more than words can explain and its a horrible place to be in right now.

I like to think that I was his earth mother whilst he was here and needed me and now he has left and made that big journey on his own. With every end there is always a beginning.

There is no comfort at a time like this, only, I know I am not going through this alone.

Love you always Denis, I miss you so much it is unbearable. Peace be with you my man, there will never ever be another Denis, eternally yours. ************xx

[ryancat]

Lori,thank you for the suggestions on what to do when I'm up late at night and can't get to sleep.I will try all of them.Sometimes I don't think there's anything that would really help.I just hurt inside...it's so hard to live without him.Soon it will be 3 months,3 months since he passed away.How can that be possible? How can it be that I haven't seen him or played with him or loved on him in 3 long months?? It just doesn't seem possible.......I kept hoping that as time went by it would get easier to take but in reality it hasn't worked out that way for me.I never imagined that it would be so hard to let go of him,to move on,to not think about him every day.Am I crazy?? I grief for him even now but at night it always get worse because that's when it would always be just him and I.We would stay up late at night and my husband goes to bed early.He would sit meatloaf style on my lap (and that wasn't easy because he weighed 22 pounds up until he got sick with diabetes) and we would watch t.v. together.He liked reality shows just like I do.Forgive me everyone for going off like this.I guess it just has to come out sometimes.What am I supposed to say to people who think I should be over it by now?? They ask me,what's wrong with you or why are you in a bad mood,when in truth I'm not in a bad mood I'm just incredibly sad.How long before this pain goes away? Just when I thought I was doing so well I had to go back down that path of awful sadness last night and once again revisit his entire last day over and over again...it's pathetic really that I can't get my act together.I wish there were a magic pill we could all take and be over the pain of losing our beloved pets.Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this,sorry if I started to sound a bit crazy.It does help to write about my feelings and I thank you all for listening to me. Renee (Sox's mom)