Tomorrow's The Day, Making the decision Options

[PuppyMom]

[FONT=Times][COLOR=blue]Some people know me as the dog lady. I have 4 beautiful dogs (I call them puppies even though they are all 10 years plus) and some people just don't understand. They are all my children. I love them so intensely and the people on this site can probably all empathize.

My Dixie Dog first started limping the beginning of March and then blew up like a balloon a few days later. The fluid around her sweet heart was so thick that the vet couldn't even see her heart. After 4 days of lasik and a loss of 15 pounds of fluid, she had x-rays that showed her heart very enlarged and bone cancer.

Since then, I've seen her quickly go downhill and today, she finally lost that beautiful light in her eyes. I sit here barely being able to look through mine, because I have made the decision to help her leave this world and go to Sammi and Lexi (the original Alfa when all 5 were here and my first kitty). I can't even believe that I'll be able to do it. I love her soooo much. I'm already doing the guilt thing like that I didn't give her enough attention, etc. The truth is that the amount of attention I've given these beautiful beings is like what most people do for their human kids.

How am I going to play God tomorrow and make this decision? How can I live without her?

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[PuppyMom]

I can't believe what happened this morning. I had decided it was the day. I cried all night and slept with my hand on her. I called the vet in the morning and ... he's gone for the week! I live in a very small town and the next nearest vet is an hours drive away. My Mom and my sister (LittleGirl'sMom) were here to help me through my grief and help me take my sweetie to the vet. We decided to cook Dixie some French toast and she ate a little from my sister's hand. I thought that maybe my vet not being in was a sign. Maybe she was going to miraculously get better, that the cancer would be gone and that her heart would start pumping well again. Now, though, Dixie is breathing hard and barely getting around at all. She didn't eat anymore French toast tonight. I really think that it was suppose to be today.

Lil'Dog, the alpha of my brood, keeps gently cleaning her eyes and face (Lil'Dog is the white one in the picture. Dixie is the one way over to the left in both pictures). They love each other and will miss sweet Dixie when she's gone.

I need to go dig my hole. I was going to cremate her but I talked to a good friend who happens to be a nurse up at the vet. She said they send them all out (3 states from here). I ask if I could be assured 100% that I would get HER ashes back and she remarked that she wouldn't trust it. I decided to bury her instead. I wanted her ashes shaken with mine when I go but I guess it won't work out that way. I'm going to take a piece of her beautiful tail fur to keep with me to remember her smell, her beautiful color and the texture of her coat. That'll be almost as good.

Now I have to prepare all over again. My vet may be in for a couple of hours on Wednesday and if he's not, I'll make the trek with my Mom and LittleGirl'sMom to another vet who I've been to and liked very much. It'll be a long emotional ride home. I love her so much.