[FONT=Times][COLOR=blue]Some people know me as the dog lady. I have 4 beautiful dogs (I call them puppies even though they are all 10 years plus) and some people just don't understand. They are all my children. I love them so intensely and the people on this site can probably all empathize.

My Dixie Dog first started limping the beginning of March and then blew up like a balloon a few days later. The fluid around her sweet heart was so thick that the vet couldn't even see her heart. After 4 days of lasik and a loss of 15 pounds of fluid, she had x-rays that showed her heart very enlarged and bone cancer.

Since then, I've seen her quickly go downhill and today, she finally lost that beautiful light in her eyes. I sit here barely being able to look through mine, because I have made the decision to help her leave this world and go to Sammi and Lexi (the original Alfa when all 5 were here and my first kitty). I can't even believe that I'll be able to do it. I love her soooo much. I'm already doing the guilt thing like that I didn't give her enough attention, etc. The truth is that the amount of attention I've given these beautiful beings is like what most people do for their human kids.

How am I going to play God tomorrow and make this decision? How can I live without her?

PuppyMom,
You have my deepest sympathy for your impending loss, and I can empathize, as so many other people on this board do. I really think you're not so much "playing God" as giving your pup a dignified and peaceful way out of the pain she's in. It's horrible to have to anticipate your loss, but you've come to the right place. Dixie, where she will be after tomorrow, will one day be back with you, and she has Sammi and Lexi to keep her company till then. She won't suffer as much as you will, and are. Tonight will be hard for you, but keep her near you, tell her that you love her (she already knows that, I'm sure), and know that our thoughts and prayers are with you both in the days, weeks and months ahead. You will survive when she's gone - you have to, for your other pups - but it will hurt immensely. Grief has no rulebook or guide to follow, so go with your emotions, and trust your heart. Dixie will always be there for you, in your heart and soul, and she will have changed your life forever.

Pleae come back and let us know how you're doing. We've all been there, and we care and understand, and in time (no matter how cliched it sounds now), you will accept and start to heal. Take care and God bless - Barbara

My heart breaks for you as I have been in your shoes. I had to make that same decision for my precious girl and best friend of 16 years, Sasha, nearly 2 years ago. And that is exactly why you will be able to do it. You love her enough that you will live with the pain and emptiness of her being gone for the rest of your life so that she can be released from her suffering...there is no greater act of love.It says in the Bible that God has left his animals completely in our care and that we are to care for them as he would, so you aren't playing God, you are following his wishes. God doesn't want his beautiful creatures to suffer and it is up to us to make that decision for them if need be.I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will. I had my Sasha with me for over half of my life (from the ages of 14 to 30) and I couldn't recall a single memory that didn't involve her. I couldn't remember life before her and I didn't want a life without her. I honestly thought there was no way I could ever function without her, but I did...and I do. Even after all this time, I still think about her everyday, and sometimes I still cry for her (as I am right now while I try to type this) so it is a constant struggle for me to deal with her absence, but I do, and everyday I learn to deal with it just a bit more. We all deal with the guilt issues regarding not spending enough time with them, not letting them eat their favorite things, not taking them with us on that car ride because we were in a hurry, etc.. It's all part of the process of losing a beloved furbaby and it is all normal. I have no doubt that your precious Dixie wouldn't trade the home she has with you or the life that you have provided for her for anything in the world....you are as much her world as she is yours. You are doing her an absolute kindness by letting her leave this painful world and enter into that beautiful place that she so deserves where she can enjoy the company of Sammi and Lexi while they patiently wait for you to join them...in my opinion, they are the lucky ones....
You're in my prayers and I will be thinking of you and Dixie tomorrow.
Your friend in grief,
Kim

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I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I know the pain, because I am going through the same thing.
My babys name is Oscar. He is a big brown eyed mutt I have had for 15 years. To others maybe nothing special, but to us a pure breed with a huge heart. In almost all ways he is healthy. No failing organs, no massive disabilities to make my decision a tiny bit easier. He has a tumor.
Twice he has had surgery, just to have it grow back before he even heals. It is wrapped around his jaw, into his neck and head. It is so aggressive and if I choose surgery it means removal of most of his jaw bone, and that does not mean it would get it all. His mouth is becoming distorted by the growth. He can eat, and do pretty much what he wants. He can no longer bark because it is in his throat.
I spoke to my vet, and family in depth. I did a lot of thinking and cry a lot. I made the decision that when I feel he's ready, I will take him to be put to sleep. We will go with him and finish the journey. I will not make him suffer.
These furry family members are just that, family. The pain is the same , and even worse when they depend on us to make this decision. I believe there is a special place in heaven for him, and that he will greet me when my time comes. I like to think my Dad is waiting to take care of Oscar until I get there.
As hard as the decision is we have got to remember it's for them and done with the utmost love. We don't want them to suffer, and we will always keep them in our hearts. Nina

Puppymom,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are not "playing god" you are giving your love one last gift. No pain. You know its time, Dixie let you know it was time. I know how hard it is, I had to pts my Pumpkin on the 11th. I never thought I could do it, but my love for him took front seat. I couldnt let him suffer. I put my feeling aside and listened to him. It is so hard but you can do it. You love Dixie. I can feel it through your words.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Dixie.
Michelle

I am so sorry. It will just be a temporary separation. One day soon you will be together again after a little while apart. You will have to go through the agonizing grief, but healing will come and things will seem brighter.

I can't believe what happened this morning. I had decided it was the day. I cried all night and slept with my hand on her. I called the vet in the morning and ... he's gone for the week! I live in a very small town and the next nearest vet is an hours drive away. My Mom and my sister (LittleGirl'sMom) were here to help me through my grief and help me take my sweetie to the vet. We decided to cook Dixie some French toast and she ate a little from my sister's hand. I thought that maybe my vet not being in was a sign. Maybe she was going to miraculously get better, that the cancer would be gone and that her heart would start pumping well again. Now, though, Dixie is breathing hard and barely getting around at all. She didn't eat anymore French toast tonight. I really think that it was suppose to be today.

Lil'Dog, the alpha of my brood, keeps gently cleaning her eyes and face (Lil'Dog is the white one in the picture. Dixie is the one way over to the left in both pictures). They love each other and will miss sweet Dixie when she's gone.

I need to go dig my hole. I was going to cremate her but I talked to a good friend who happens to be a nurse up at the vet. She said they send them all out (3 states from here). I ask if I could be assured 100% that I would get HER ashes back and she remarked that she wouldn't trust it. I decided to bury her instead. I wanted her ashes shaken with mine when I go but I guess it won't work out that way. I'm going to take a piece of her beautiful tail fur to keep with me to remember her smell, her beautiful color and the texture of her coat. That'll be almost as good.

Now I have to prepare all over again. My vet may be in for a couple of hours on Wednesday and if he's not, I'll make the trek with my Mom and LittleGirl'sMom to another vet who I've been to and liked very much. It'll be a long emotional ride home. I love her so much.

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I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you felt. The decision and preparation and then to have to go through it all again. It sounds like you have a wonderful support group of loving people. That helps so much. People empathize, and support in wonderful ways when you lose a human loved one, but not always with a furry loved one. My family has rallied around me too.
Be brave. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Nina

Sue,

Thank you for the heartfelt words you left for me. I really needed them. I wanted to reply again to you. I know how hard this is, Dixie is one lucky puppy to have such a wounderful loving mommy. Enjoy this last few hours with your baby (I know you are going to cherish them) and Dixie will cherish them as well. I am asking my baby Pumpkin to meet Dixie at the bridge when it is her time. I know you wanted to get Dixie's ashes, that was a sweet thing you wanted to do (mix yours with hers). I was only able to keep some fur. I couldnt afford the ashes to be returned after all the treatments I had paid for, and my township doesnt allow you to bury your pets. I still have a memorial marker and when I finally get it (had it personalized) I will still visit it everyday. I know Pumpkin isnt in the ground he is my heart as will Dixie be, until we all meet again!

Thank you and sending (((((HUGS))))

Michelle

"if love could have saved you , you would have lived forever"

Puppymom- I am sorry you are having to go through this. It has been just over three weeks since I had to put to sleep Mocha. She was my baby...you can go back a ways and read "My Mocha is gone" to get her story. I only had 6 1/2 years with her, but they were absolutely wonderful years. My other dog, Belle, and Mocha had been together since they were a year old. I know she was also grieving Mocha's loss and she really helped me emotionally the first several days. I was so afraid that I would resent her (she is more my husband's dog and mocha mine) but that wasn't the case at all. We bonded more than I thought possible. That may be due to the fact that my husband is gone, so we were going through this together "alone". Belle had some major anxiety issues after the first week and required medication as she was scratching her face raw. I don't know that it was the right decision, but I decided to start looking for another dog to help Belle through this...and for me. I have had Zoey now for a week and Belle is really coming around. I hope that your other puppies can help you through this difficult time. I am sure that they will also help each other as they too will miss Dixie too.

Please know that my thoughts are with you at this difficult time. If you haven't thought about doing so, I recommend buying a kit or something to make a permanent impression of Dixie's paw. I did this with Mocha the night before and now treasure it more than I thought possible. I also did so for my parent's golden that we lost 13 days after Mocha- you can go back and read that also if you would like, named "first mocha, now montana".

I would also like to comment about your decision not to cremate Dixie. It is absolutely your decision and I am not trying to sway you in any way. Just know that there are very good and honest pet crematories out there. I personally took Mocha to the crematory and though it was difficult, the entire process was explained to me, including all the measures taken to ensure her ashes were what I would be gettng back. The owners and operators of the crematory couldn't have been more caring and genuinely sincere. I know that there are not so honest businesses out there (which is a shame) but if that is your only reason not to cremate Dixie, you may consider doing some research of crematories in your area.

I am glad you found this site. There are some great people here who have offered me and others caring thoughts and support.

Hi Sue,
Please know that you and Dixie and your whole family are in my thoughts and prayers. I would take your grief from you if I could but we know this comes with loving someone so much. Your love for Dixie was quite evident when I had the honour of meeting her at Petes'. What a sweet soul. And Dixie obviously has the same love for you. Heaven will be sweeter when Dixie arrives and know that she will be waiting in bliss for her family to join her one day.

all my love and prayers
Rick

She's gone. Tommorrow wasn't the day after all. It was tomorrow plus two weeks. I had made the decision to do it two Mondays ago. The vet ended up being on vacation so it didn't happen that day. Dixie rebounded ... started eating again and seemed alot like her old self. I knew she was still very very sick but God had given me some extra time with her.

The Bluegrass Fest was the next weekend and I knew I'd be away for three days. I decided to take her. We took my brother's conversion van and she spent the whole time up on the bed in the back with a nice breeze blowing through the van. She could hear the music and everyone came to see her. She was in her glory and this weekend, although she couldn't get around very well and only left the van a couple times a day to do her duty, was probably the best weekend of her whole life. She was the queen and didn't have the other three to take any of her attention away. I'm so glad I gave that weekend to her.

Now, a week later, I sit here and realize that I will never look into those sweet brown eyes ever again. I, along with my Mom and my sister (little girl's mom) helped ease her out of her suffering. She had a terrible last night here on earth. The decision was crystal clear.

She changed a life her last moments on earth. My boyfriend came with us to the vet. The experience of sharing in her death I think changed him forever. As we finished up her grave in a beautiful spot in his backyard, he knew for the first time that dogs really do have souls. He had been struggling with that question for a long time. Now he says he knows for sure. I'm so happy for him. Thank you sweet Dixie Dog.