I'm Totally Lost And All Alone Without My Sid Options

[BigSid'sMom]

Hi Everyone:

My name is Tracy, and on Wednesday night (May 17th), my best friend I've ever had passed away from cancer. His name was Sid and he was a 130-lb. Yellow Lab with the biggest smile I've ever seen in my life. I live in a very small town in the mountains and I don't seem to fit in very well. I've been here 16 years. Well, 11 years ago, my husband brought home this chubby little ball of mischief and joy and it's been love ever since. Now he's gone and once again, it's just me.

I loved him and miss him so much it physically hurts. It's just been discovered a few months ago that I have Epilepsy and sometimes I start to get that feeling that comes on before I'm going to have a seizure. That's how much it's affecting me. People have been so insensitive and judgmental. "God, Tracy get over it. It was a DOG, ok??" or "Ya know Tracy....you being all mopey and bummed out is SO what Sid would NOT have wanted to see you doing." Jesus people, it's only been 3 and 1/2 days. It's so hard to wake up because he slept with me and we did my a.m chores together. It kills me that he isn't there.

The other tough thing is that prior to my Epilepsy being diagnosed, I had a Grand Mal Seizure at Long's Drugs right on the floor. The DMV was notified and I have no license now. I can't go anywhere. It was just Sid and me walking everywhere. There are just no words to say what a good dog and an even greater friend he was. Therefore, when I was told how sick he was, everything in my life stopped and I became a dog. I lived his life and did whatever he wanted to do. I was holding his head in my hands and telling how much I loved him and that it was ok to go now when he died. He tried to fight it, but death came strong and swiftly. So fast that we were left in shock.

I'm sorry guys for rambling. I've literally had nobody to talk to about it. When Sid passed away, everyone stopped calling. EVERYONE. The only time I heard from anyone was yesterday and it was to hear the above things, basically to suck it up and get over it.

I'm seriously thinking about running away for a few days just to grieve without feeling guilty and figure out who I am and where I'm going. I feel like there's a huge hole that's been blown through my stomach, like on those Road Runner/Wile E. Coyote cartoons.

Well, thank you for being here. I don't feel like I've adequately put my pain into words, but I'm so messed up, I don't really know what's up and what's down.

love,

Tracy

Sid's Lucky and Proud Mom