Unbearable Sadness Of Being, My 1st week without Shandy Options

[bluest1]

The hardest time is in the early light of the morning and the fading light of the day, it was at these times we would start and end our day with walks (well more like runs). I have a hard time thinking about how I would open my eyes, and there she would be sitting on the bed staring at me, her excitment over some bird or squirrel at my bedroom window ,to much for her to control. In the evening just before bed, our walks were much more subdued with Shandy walking beside me,content with life and the day she just had. Now when I wake or just before I lie down, (sleep does not exist for me anymore) Iam filled with this crushing sadness that makes me cry. I miss her smile, her bark, her general goofiness. But most of all I miss her friendship. I find it hard to believe in any concept of god. for what kind of god would allow such a sweet, gentle being, to wither away and die in only 2 short weeks. I will cry today, just as I have cried everyday since she left, the knot in my stomach will be here today as it will be tomorrow, the sadness will crush me and life will go on.

Today i can,t get my head around anything. My work has suffered. Iam overcome with this tremendous guilt About one month before Shandy left, I remember her running into the kitchen from outside, paws covered in mud. I yelled at her to sit because she knew she was suppose to, but for whatever reason she had, she thought it would be better to cover the floor in mud. I remember saying to her and I quote "Iam sick of looking after you and your messes". Now I wonder if this comment had influenced the spiritual laws, Becareful of what you say, it just might come true.

[Kim R.]

You absolutely made the right choice for your Shandy. I can tell how much you loved her, and she loved you. Believe me, I know the feelings of doubt, what if, and did I do enough. In your case, Shandy was very lucky to have a mommy that wasn't willing to let her last days be those of absolute misery, and I know for that , she thanks you. Torturing our babies with such measures just so we can sleep at night knowing we did everything we could is not an act of love.....it's selfish. Our babies deserve better, and they depend on us to make that decision. My friend is doing this to her baby right now, and I try so hard to show support. It is her dog and her decision, but I can't stand to see that poor baby the way she is. All the chemo and drugs are doing is extending her life for a few months, which are being lived in misery, so what is the point. That baby could be running in the fields at the bridge right now, but her mommy's selfish choice to keep her here prevents that peace.

I know Shandy is breathing a sigh of relief that she has a mommy as smart and selfless as you are.

P.S.-Why is it when we type these messages to others in their grief, with such conviction, as our true and honest feelings, we cannot apply them to our own hearts. I type from the heart and how I truly feel, yet I still have a problem with things things myself! It makes no sense to me!

Your friend in grief,
Kim