The hardest time is in the early light of the morning and the fading light of the day, it was at these times we would start and end our day with walks (well more like runs). I have a hard time thinking about how I would open my eyes, and there she would be sitting on the bed staring at me, her excitment over some bird or squirrel at my bedroom window ,to much for her to control. In the evening just before bed, our walks were much more subdued with Shandy walking beside me,content with life and the day she just had. Now when I wake or just before I lie down, (sleep does not exist for me anymore) Iam filled with this crushing sadness that makes me cry. I miss her smile, her bark, her general goofiness. But most of all I miss her friendship. I find it hard to believe in any concept of god. for what kind of god would allow such a sweet, gentle being, to wither away and die in only 2 short weeks. I will cry today, just as I have cried everyday since she left, the knot in my stomach will be here today as it will be tomorrow, the sadness will crush me and life will go on.

Today i can,t get my head around anything. My work has suffered. Iam overcome with this tremendous guilt About one month before Shandy left, I remember her running into the kitchen from outside, paws covered in mud. I yelled at her to sit because she knew she was suppose to, but for whatever reason she had, she thought it would be better to cover the floor in mud. I remember saying to her and I quote "Iam sick of looking after you and your messes". Now I wonder if this comment had influenced the spiritual laws, Becareful of what you say, it just might come true.

Don't give up - if you believed in God before, then nothing has changed. This is part of the cycle we are here to experience... Shandy, for those who believe, is with God now and waiting for your time, hopefully quite a while from now.

Hugs....

I lost my baby the day after you lost your Shandi. Bear in mind that you did all you could. And she would not want to be in such pain. God puts things/events in our lives that sometimes it is a gift, sometimes it is just on loan. But he never gives us more than we can handle. It might be hard , but if you have ever had faith in God, and I get the feeling you did, dont loose that hope. Nothing has changed between you and him. I am sure He is proud of you for setting your own feelings aside and doing what needed to be done for her. You helped her do something that she could not do on her own and could not ask you to do. I feel it in my heart that she is happy and though she wants you to remember her with love, she does not want you to hurt either. You made her free of her physical pain, now allow your emotional pain to subside. I think she would want that.


And remember this too shall pass.

Dear Kerry,

I remember the first days after Shiloh's passing...Shiloh would always wait outside the bathroom door for me in the morning when I showered...for days after she died, I would come out of the bathroom expecting to see her. I know exactly what you're experiencing, I know how much you miss Shandy, but the pain will subside with time. As time goes by, you'll find that you focus more on the happy memories and less on the loss you feel. I don't know if we'll ever truly get past all the loss we feel...it's been 8 months, and although I still have days when I miss Shiloh more than words can describe, most of my thoughts of her are of the happy times we shared together.

Hang in there.
Kathleen

Dear Bluest1,

Your words below have described so accurately how I miss my Amber tabby ~ it is truly the same for me ~ I am not able to sleep in the room where she lived out her last years ~ her ashes are there on her pillow ~ A print of a howling wolf and his mate cover the urn depicting my heart as I wail for my sweetie pie and overall sparkle of my life ~ Ambie

The hardest time is in the early light of the morning and the fading light of the day, it was at these times we would start and end our day .... I have a hard time thinking about how I would open my eyes, and there she would be sitting on the bed staring at me, her excitment over some bird or squirrel at my bedroom window ........ In the evening just before bed..... were much more subdued with (Amber) .... beside me,content with life and the day she just had. Now when I wake or just before I lie down, ......Iam filled with this crushing sadness ... ...... most of all I miss her friendship.

Most of the time these days my feelings are blocked ~ too sad ~ too deep ~ to precarious ~ coming "here" and reading others experiences gives me a road inward to my own healing from this recent grief and loss of the way in my life's journey and where it will be taking me in the days to come ~

I am so sorry for your loss..

Sincerely,
Kathryn

i am comforted to know that the grief i am dealing with in the 48 hours that my pretty girl has left this earth is shared by so many others here in this forum. the crushing blow of her death, and the intense pain my heart and soul are going through right now. intense pain that sometimes it's difficult to breathe and i just want to burst out in tears, AND I DO!!! right now it's hard to home. i am staying the weekend at my fiance's house because i can't handle being at home her not there to meow at us and show her attention and cuddle with us. i don't feel alone now, and i pray for all of you who feel the way i am feeling now. i know i am depressed, have to take muscle relaxers to sleep so i don't stay awake all night and cry. had nightmares last night, and i just can't concentrate at work. this pain is tearing me to shreds. i feel for all that is grieving as well.

I miss my dog

Oh God I know how you feel. Thanks for being here. This is all we've got.

Dear Kerry and Sushie,

I know these first weeks and months are so very hard.

You're both in my thoughts.
Kathleen

8 Days. It seems like a lifetime

Dear Kerry,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know how much you miss your sweet and special Shandy. What a wonderful girl she was. I understand what are you are saying about God: "if God were real how could He allow me to suffer like this? How could he have allowed a beautiful creature like Shandy to wither away?"

An author of such books as Making Sense Out of Suffering, Love is Stronger than Death, and Heaven: the Heart's Deepest Longing puts it this way:

Would you agree that the difference between us and God is greater than the difference between us and say, a bear? If so, then imagine a bear in a trap and a hunter who, out of sympathy, wants to liberate him. He tries to win the bear's confidence, but he can't do it, so he has to shoot the bear full of drugs. The bear, however, thinks this is an attack and that the hunter is trying to kill him. He doesn't realize that this is being done out of compassion. Then, in order to get the bear out of the trap, the hunter has to push him further into the trap to release the tension on the spring. If the bear were semiconcious at this point, he would be even more convinced that the hunter was his enemy who was out to cause him suffering and pain. But the bear would be wrong. He reaches an incorrect conclusion because he's not a human being. I believe that God does the same to us sometimes, and we can't comprehend why he does it any more than the bear can understand the motivations of the hunter. As the bear could have trusted the hunter, so we can trust God.

The chapter goes on to explain how evil exists in the midst of these three truths: that God is all-powerful, all-knowing and all-good. It is a fascinating explanation and I'd be happy to share more with you if you'd like.

I know it is so terribly hard to go on without Shandy. But remember the rainbow that was a sign from her, letting you know that she is all right. She is smiling down on you and she wants you to remember the good times.

As for her muddy paws and your guilt over being mad at her...please realize that Shandy understood that you did not stay mad at her, and she knew that muddy paws were against the rules Above all she knows how much you love her, and that could never, will never, ever change.

With love,
Jenny

10 Days

The wave grows as the day moves forward. I can feel it coming on, a deep deep sadness, that will eventually wear me out.. You can't even pretend that this dosen't hurt, it is just there. There is no way to hide it, no place to put it, all you can do is try and deal with it. Your most trusted soul, your constant, your friend, is gone.

Dear Kerry,

I know the pain you're feeling right now is ever present. The one thing that brings me peace is knowing that even though Shiloh is gone from arms, she's forever in my heart...I carry her spirit with me everywhere I go.

Hugs,
Kathleen

I still miss my Hannah with all my heart and, oh, how I wish I could see and hold that little girl once again! But, most days, I am so much better now than I was even 8 months ago. She's been gone 1 year and one month day after tomorrow -- it was April 19, 2004.

I can put myself right back there to that day if I let myself go there and I do remember the inconsolable, uncontrollable, unbearable pain, loss, guilt and grief I felt for such a long time. I didn't feel like I wanted to live here in this world without my Hannah girl! So I too know how you feel. We all do.

Please don't feel guilty for saying that about the muddy paws -- we all sometimes say things like that, we get irritated and upset, but we don't mean it, and you didn't mean it, and I know your baby forgives you without a doubt -- the minute you said it. That is another wonderful attribute of animals -- they forgive and they forget with no hard feelings.

I know it seems like a lifetime. I am so sorry. You had a wonderful, wonderful friend, and you gave your friend a wonderful life and so much love. I pray you find some comfort in that knowledge.
Love,
Marcia

Today I heard from the Woman who owns the Kennel Shandy was born at. She thanked me for giving Shandy such a great life and she also sent me a copy or "Rainbow Bridge", she said it is a story that helps her when she is dealing with numerous losses of her friends. This made me feel alittle better. It was nice of her to send me an email so many years after Shandy had left her farm. It is nice to know that she cares so much for the English Setters she has helped bring into this world. I rescued Shandy at an early age from a family who had no time for such an energetic athlete such as an English Setter. I will rescue another when my memories allow me to. Miss you Girl

Kerry

I find myself missing her more as the days go on. Iam very sad

Hi Kerry,

I had an english setter too. He died almost 9 months ago now --- last august 24th - suddenly, after a grand mal seizure that came out of the blue and lasted only about a minute and a half but took his life. No warning at all, it was the shock of my life; he seemed perfectly healthy before it happened but he had serious brain damage from the seizure and lived about a week, getting worse each day until we had to put him down at an emergency hospital. I had a terrible vet who did NOTHING to help him or us after having gone to him for Jake's entire life. Our vet made it all so much worse..... My ES, Jake, is my avatar. He was about 2 months short of his twelveth birthday when he passed on.

At first, I didn't want time to go by, I wanted to stop the days passing so I could be closer to the days when Jake was alive. That panic you feel within grief is awful. I am a different person now than when he still here, my heart is diminished - I feel it. But just give yourself time, you learn to deal with it as the pain fades slowly. There's nothing you can do. No way out.

I just love English setters, they are the sweetest dogs on earth (my opinion!!) it's almost as if they become people as they age, isn't it? they just get better and better every year of their life. I will miss my jakeybug every single day that I live until the end of my life. Many a day on our walks in the foothills he'd hold me up too, with a half hour pointing out some quail behind a bush or some squirrel up a tree -- but I never begrudged him his time outside, I loved watching him just be himself. I love their silky curly hair and their sweet brown eyes and their gentle gentle gentle souls. We have gotten another ES puppy now and will probably be getting another as a companion for him by the end of the summer, I'm a big believer in having 2 dogs so they can keep each other company the way only another dog can.

I still just want my Jake back.
No dog will ever replace him, he was so unique and with me 24/7.
But I love having English setters around, so I go on.

Hang in there, the searing pain does pass slowly but surely.
You learn to live without them as hard as it is, time marches on.

Thanks J4LORN.. That was a great story. Yes I know the ES very well, and I as well will get another when my memories allow me too. Thanks to all of you.


Kerry

I think that losing your beloved companion can be just like losing a husband or a sister or a brother. You should not feel as if your reaction is too severe or wrong. If your child would have died, you would feel exactly the same way. You are gieving because nothing in this life is constant, because everything and everyone eventually leaves us. The most important thing to remember is that you did not make your doggie get sick, and that she is truly at peace now. None of your angry words could have made her so ill. We say very many things when we are angry, and if dogs and cats could speak our language, so would they. But I know your Shandy felt the love you had for her, she knew that you could not live without her. She knew that although you will get angry at some passing unimportant things, she was the joy of your life. Just because she could not speak does not mean she didn't sense all of this. All animals, including us, are very sensitive to emotion, and the most important things in life are conveyed without words. She was loved, and she knew this when it was her time to leave. I am sure that wherever she is, she is waiting for you to find joy in your life once more. I am sure she was not happy to leave you, but it was her time. If there is god, and I do not know that there is, then he does not give only joy in our life. He gives grief and sorrow and troubles and obsticles, so that we may truly know what life is, so that we may truly appreciate joy when we have joy. Without sorrow, we would not know joy. Always remember that Shandy knows how much you love her, and she has always known, and if she is with god she is watching over you and waiting for you to find peace again, before she goes on with her life in heaven. And if she is a spirit, then she will always be connected to you because you have been brought together by love, a force that is beyond this physical world of bodies and soil. You will always have her and she will always have you, and though it is unbearable right now, I know, that you have to live so far apart, in time you will both be at peace and just happy that the other one is leading a good life, somewhere out there, far away, still loved.

Iam having dreams almost everynight. These dreams are not frightening, they are actually quite normal. In every dream Iam just going about my daily life and Shandy is there by my side, just like she always was. I guess this is a good sign.

To All, I have read and appreciate every post here in this thread ~ the events of other's lives help me to see the inter connectedness of all life and the commonality that we all share in our journey. One of the worst things in this grief is the feeling that one is alone. Here I learn and then begin to know that I am not and never was. Kindred spirits are connected even when we do not see it on the concious level. THANK YOU all ~ I have come a long way in my sadness over losing Amber ~ Most recently I was able to rescue an 8 year old kitty named Samantha ~ She now lives in the Master Suite happily at peace and safe from harm. Amber would love being there with her ~ she is dignified and polite and VERY sweet ~ I feel my Ambie smiling down on me for reaching out to help a fellow member of her clan ~ in fact I think it was she that pushed me "out there" because I heard myself saying "I will take this cat" and then I found myself thinking "WHO said that??" I am still perplexed yet thankful because I have found a way back into my life ~ I still have a long way to go ~ and many questions and unresolved issues over this grief and loss of Amber ~ but I now have moved to the next stepping stone across this river of unknown name ~ I am so sorry for your losses ~ yet thankful for your help ~ May you find comfort and peace in the days ahead. Sincerely, Kathryn

I have struggled with the guilt of everytime I yelled at my girl, everytime I told her to go lie down. The strange thing is I remember thinking when I was scolding her, that I would regret this, that oneday she would be gone and I would miss (like I do) the muddy paws, the barking at the squirrels. I still struggle with the thought of, did I do enough to try and save her, was it really the right time to help her along, even though I had 2 vets tell me there was nothing we could do. I miss my girl, as I know all of you miss your friends, and like most of you, I look for signs that she is ok. Signs that will ease, I guess the guilt I sometimes feel. I guess this is normal. So, I found this comic in the newspaper, it made me smile, and it helped me somewhat. I hope it helps a few of you as well.

That's a great cartoon...pets just give unconditional love and just having them nearby is such a comfort. You must remember that Shandy knew you loved her every minute, and not feel guilty for being human and scolding her.

It is like losing a family member. Both my husband and I felt that our kitty was our son, and it seems bizarre to be going about our daily lives, work, etc, with this terrible grief and loss, like our hearts have been torn out. People understand grief over losing humans, but how many understand this wonderful special love for our furry family, and the terrible heartbreak when they are gone. Thank God for this site.

Jane

I think Iam starting to accept the fact that there was nothing I could do for my girl. The vet told me that we could have operated, but he didn,t think it would have done much good. The type of cancer Shandy had was a very aggressive kind and even with an operation, and chemo, she would have only had maybe 2 more months of life. I didn't want to put her through that, not at her age, it would only have been for my sake. It was the hardest choice I ever had to make, letting my girl go. I never thought that it would be so fast. I read everything about hemangiosarcomas, including a blog dedicated to people who have lost their dogs to this cancer, and every story had a sad ending. Every person who had their dog operated/chemo, ended up losing their friend a few short months later. Most of them said if they had to do it again, they would not have had the operation or chemo. I guess I felt that for the firsttime in 12 years, I could not help my girl, I could not save her, only prolong her life for me. I could not bare to see her life take such a dramatic slide, where she couldn't run anymore, or even get up to go out. In the end I made my decision out of love for her, out of respect for the life she once had.

You absolutely made the right choice for your Shandy. I can tell how much you loved her, and she loved you. Believe me, I know the feelings of doubt, what if, and did I do enough. In your case, Shandy was very lucky to have a mommy that wasn't willing to let her last days be those of absolute misery, and I know for that , she thanks you. Torturing our babies with such measures just so we can sleep at night knowing we did everything we could is not an act of love.....it's selfish. Our babies deserve better, and they depend on us to make that decision. My friend is doing this to her baby right now, and I try so hard to show support. It is her dog and her decision, but I can't stand to see that poor baby the way she is. All the chemo and drugs are doing is extending her life for a few months, which are being lived in misery, so what is the point. That baby could be running in the fields at the bridge right now, but her mommy's selfish choice to keep her here prevents that peace.

I know Shandy is breathing a sigh of relief that she has a mommy as smart and selfless as you are.

P.S.-Why is it when we type these messages to others in their grief, with such conviction, as our true and honest feelings, we cannot apply them to our own hearts. I type from the heart and how I truly feel, yet I still have a problem with things things myself! It makes no sense to me!

Your friend in grief,
Kim

It has been almost 1 month since I lost my girl. I thought I was getting better, and maybe Iam, but lastnight and today the wave has hit me. I miss her so much, I have never missed anyone as much as I miss her.

I have such nice dreams of her. She is always with me

Its been alittle over 1 month now. I still miss my girl as much as before.

I read your post with a heavy heart; it has been exactly one week this very evening since my little Ryddley crossed over and I just sobbed uncontrollably tonight. I wondered if it would ever feel less painful, but perhaps it just takes time. I am sad for you, too, and sad that the loss feels as bad one month on, but I liked reading that you have nice dreams of her. I seem to not dream at all and wish I could, but I am so happy for you that you do dream of her and that you feel your sweetie Shandy is always with you.
B
x

It has been almost 4 months since my Beautiful Girl Shandy left me. The pain and saddness only comes at certian times now, but I do miss her with all of my heart. I keep my girl close to me, in my bedroom, in a spot I made just for her. She always hated being away from me, I promised her she would always be with me. My memories of her are great, and her spirit is always with me. Somedays, I can feel her beside me. There will never be another Shandy:-)

Recently, I have decided to give another English Setter a home:-) Her name is Faith and I will be driving 6 hours this week to pick her up. She is 1 1/2 years old and her owner could no longer take care of her in the way she needed, so, Iam adopting her:-) At first I thought that it would not be fair to her because I would expect to see Shandy in her. But then I realised that like people, every dog is different. Faith will have her own personality, she will have her own ways of doing things:-) I realised that by adopting Faith, I would also be hounoring Shandy.

I have not been here for sometime, but I just wanted you folks who are suffering to know, that this site, and the people who come here, were a great comfort to me. Your pain is real, that much I know, and it will take time for you to come to a place of comfort and peace, and you will. Be gentle with your souls and thoughts, remember that you gave your friends the best life you could.


Peace

Kerry

I have just lost my pretty girl Mattie, on Aug. 18, 2005. I just found this site today and it has helped me already. I still have more feelings to get over. It does help me feel better that I am not alone in greiving my pet, and for feeling guilty about scolding or telling her to go lay down. I spoiled my girl from the start, but now all I can think about is how I treated her these last few months. I never treated her badly, but when I think back right now all I see is when I would be tired and tell her to go lay down or something, now she is gone and I hope she knows that she was the best thing in my life. I found out about her tumor only the day before I lost her, I do wish I had more time to love her and hold her more.