I Put Away Some Things, Of My Darling Snookie Options

[Ann H]

I put away some things away that belonged to my darling Snookie girl. I put her sweaters away and stored them in the closet. With it I put her tug of war rope for I could not bear to give it up. We played with it so many times over the years. I put way her ball with her teeth marks in it. I also put away all the pictures I had of her when she was so sick, and the ones I took of her after she left this world. Yes, I was morbid and I took many pictures right after she died. I even took them of her in the car when I was taking her to the vet.

I think the pictures of her dying and of her death cause me to much pain. I would look at them all the time, and I would say look what I did to my baby who I loved more than anything upon the face of the earth. I made her suffer because her vet was not in because of the Christmas Holiday and I only wanted him.

So now just the pictures are on my computer when she was well and healthy. They are the only ones I left in the picture book too. I could not bear the other pictures of her looking so ill any longer. I took many after she died and I took more when I had her in the car to make the 80 mile trip to have her creamated. I just kept torturing myself looking at those picture every day since she left me.

Maybe now I will be able to get over the guilt feelings and be able to find peace somehow. I never told any of you that I was looking at those picture day in and day out. Somehow I felt I deserved to be tormented for my selfish act of not taking my girl to the emergency room when I knew she was so sick. I felt I deserved to feel bad for what I had done to my darling.

Maybe now my heart will begin to heal since I am no longer looking at them. I hope God will find a way to help me forgive myself for my selfish act of not helping her when I knew I should have. I just wanted her vet to perform the final act of love who she knew and loved and I knew her vet loved her too.
Ann

[Pamela]

Ann Howard!!!!!! You do not deserve to be so hard on yourself!!! I have watched you love your Snookie for months.
I think it is odd but natural that we punish ourselves, I did in my own way also.
The groan....yes, as we lifted Moose from the street to the car in a blanket he gave out a moan of pain that I will remember the rest of my life. I block it out cause it hurts.
Snookie is no longer in that suffering and pain....I remember the times when I was the sickest in my life...my mother being there was comfort....and that's what Snook felt with you...being sick with the comfort of her mothers love. You walked Snookie to the entrance of rainbow bridge and you gave her back to our Lord. And he will keep her in his loving arms waiting for you. She is part of all now and with your mother. Love, Pamela