I put away some things away that belonged to my darling Snookie girl. I put her sweaters away and stored them in the closet. With it I put her tug of war rope for I could not bear to give it up. We played with it so many times over the years. I put way her ball with her teeth marks in it. I also put away all the pictures I had of her when she was so sick, and the ones I took of her after she left this world. Yes, I was morbid and I took many pictures right after she died. I even took them of her in the car when I was taking her to the vet.

I think the pictures of her dying and of her death cause me to much pain. I would look at them all the time, and I would say look what I did to my baby who I loved more than anything upon the face of the earth. I made her suffer because her vet was not in because of the Christmas Holiday and I only wanted him.

So now just the pictures are on my computer when she was well and healthy. They are the only ones I left in the picture book too. I could not bear the other pictures of her looking so ill any longer. I took many after she died and I took more when I had her in the car to make the 80 mile trip to have her creamated. I just kept torturing myself looking at those picture every day since she left me.

Maybe now I will be able to get over the guilt feelings and be able to find peace somehow. I never told any of you that I was looking at those picture day in and day out. Somehow I felt I deserved to be tormented for my selfish act of not taking my girl to the emergency room when I knew she was so sick. I felt I deserved to feel bad for what I had done to my darling.

Maybe now my heart will begin to heal since I am no longer looking at them. I hope God will find a way to help me forgive myself for my selfish act of not helping her when I knew I should have. I just wanted her vet to perform the final act of love who she knew and loved and I knew her vet loved her too.
Ann

Ann,
Maybe the pictures after her death were just a product of not wanting to let go,
Don't punish yourself for her loss. I know by reading your words snookie could not have been loved more or taken care of better by anyone else.
Darrell
(Bo)

Dear Ann,

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You loved Snookie with all of your heart and more. I know we waited too long to have Ayla put to sleep. I told my husband to call the Sat. before and they were closed. He then told me he didn't think Ayla was ready to go yet. Oh the relief I felt when he said that... knowing that she was ready and I was prolonging her death just like what the vet told me I needed to think about. And so 4 more days went by and she started failing so fast. And then I had to make the dreaded phone call. And it still haunts me and I too took pictures the night before and when I look at them I feel sick. We just love them so much and it is so hard to let go.

I know how you feel about wanting your special vet to help her pass. We had just started visiting this new clinic with 3 vets. Ayla had seen two of them but the one she hadn't seen was the one who called me with the results of Ayla's blood test. He had such a kind and gentle voice and explained so much to me on the phone. When he was talking to me I pictured James Herriot. I only met him once when we went to get more antibiotics for Ayla. I was hoping he would be there on the dreaded day and when the door opened and it was him, I was so relieved. But...nothing will ever erase that awful day from my mind as long as I live.

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad today. We all sometimes think we made the wrong decision but you did everything right and Snookie knows that. Please don't punish yourself.

Many hugs,
Kimi

Dear Ann,

I think putting away those sad, sad pictures of Snookie will help you tremendously. With time, those memories you have when Snookie was so sick will fade. Then you'll remember all the happy times you spent together, playing tug of war and going for rides in the car and out to eat. You've come a long way, Ann and it will get better for you now that you aren't going to look at those upsetting pictures anymore. You, of all people have no reason to feel guilty - about anything. Snookie wouldn't want you to remember her like that.

Thinking of you.

Hugs,
Lynn

Thanks so much. I guess I should have put those things away a long time ago. I guess in taking those pictures I was really trying to hold on to my little girl. I thought it was only right that I should torture myself looking at those photos daily. I wanted to punish myself for being bad mama in the end to have let her die like that.

I knew the week before it was time to let go. I tried to do the right thing, I took her to the vet to set her free so she would no longer be in pain. But my vet said he did not think it was her time yet. He kept her in the hospital saying that he thought he could help her and that gave me false hope. Hope that she would pull through again since she was sick and pulled through so many times in the past.

Yet I felt it in my heart that she was not going to make it through after she came home from the hospital. I did not listen to my heart but kept her alive because I did not want to give her up. The vet was wrong and she was in a lot of pain her last week of her life. I should have done what I knew to do but I did not.

That makes me so guilty that I let her suffer, and for what? A week extra that was filled with pain, shots, and sickness. A week that she could not eat, threw up her water, and could hardly hold her head up. A week that she looked at me with misery in her eyes that told me she could not hold on.

Now I have to go the rest of my life in pain because I let my precious little girl down. Oh God if only that terrible moan that sounded like it came out of a horror movie would just go away, maybe I could find some peace. It will not let me be, I hear it over and over again piercing my heart and soul. I think I will hear that horrible sound Snookie made until the day I die.

The vision of Chili Bean's lifeless body on the table hardly haunts me any more. But oh that terrible sound that Snookie let out when she took her last look before she left this world. It just haunts me, she did not have to die like that. I did that to the most precious girl on the face of the earth. My love should have been stronger than to make her suffer. I really let her down when she needed my strength the most. Mama is so sorry Snookie I did not mean to make you suffer.
Ann

Dear Ann,

You certainly did keep it a secret!!!! I had no idea you were torturing yourself like that EVERY DAY!!! I don't understand why you have thought you deserved it? You must know that are the most caring and loving mommy that ANY furbaby could ever want! Only you know how Snookie was that last week. I KNOW you didn't make her suffer as badly as you are thinking. Even if that were true, you MUST, MUST, MUST forgive yourself!!! You handled it the very best way you knew how at the time. Snookie knew how much you loved her and I know she wasn't in any hurry to leave you either. I really think that once you stop dwelling on her last week and days, the moan she made in the end will fade with time also.

Ann, I am battling with whether to write this next statement, because I certainly didn't want ANY harm to come to your precious Schnitzel, but I'll give it a try...Summer has caused some pain and more loss in your family, but I see many great things she has done for you too. I think after that terrible bite to your baby, it made you realize just how much you DO love your sweet Schnitzel. That appears to have snapped you out of this torture chamber that you have created for yourself over Snookie's death. There's always a "plan" for us in our lives, and things usually happen for a reason. Now that I see just how badly you have been treating yourself, I think you needed something "shocking" to bring you back. I HOPE I didn't say anything that has upset you, but I say all this because I care about you!!!!

Ann, you gave Snookie years of love and a life fit for a queen. PLEASE don't dwell on the end so much. Snookie would not want you remembering her at her worst.

God Bless you Ann, and if you EVER need to talk please email me!
Cheri

Ann,

I'm going to repeat everyone else here...but you are carrying a very heavy burden. I know you feel like you let Snookie go on too long but I don't believe that you did. The terrible sickness that she suffered may have been painful but in the end I think she died the way she wanted to. She wanted to die peacefully, at home, with her family around her..just like many of us would want if given the choice.

I'll tell you a little story...I'm sorry if it makes you sad, it's just pretty relevant. My next-door-neighbours were an elderly couple in their late 80's and had been together for 60 years. The husband had a massive stroke 15 years ago and the wife had been taking care of him ever since. He couldn't see, he couldn't speak, he could barely move...she took care of it all. One night at the beginning of March he awoke to find himself in crippling pain radiating from his chest...he was having a massive heart attack. She went to call the ambulance but it was too late and he passed away with her holding his hand, lying in his own bed in the middle of the night. When I offered my condolences with tears in my eyes she smiled at me and said "The lucky bugger! If I get ANY say in how and where I go, it will be in my sleep, in my bed, in my home with my husbands angel holding my hand." Ann, although Snookie's death might have been quicker at the hands of your vet, I believe that she wanted to die at home.

If I had any choice in the matter with Kasha I would have wanted her to die of natural causes. That is one trip to the vet that I want erased from my mind.

Please be good to yourself Ann....you deserve it more than most.

Kristie

Ann Howard!!!!!! You do not deserve to be so hard on yourself!!! I have watched you love your Snookie for months.
I think it is odd but natural that we punish ourselves, I did in my own way also.
The groan....yes, as we lifted Moose from the street to the car in a blanket he gave out a moan of pain that I will remember the rest of my life. I block it out cause it hurts.
Snookie is no longer in that suffering and pain....I remember the times when I was the sickest in my life...my mother being there was comfort....and that's what Snook felt with you...being sick with the comfort of her mothers love. You walked Snookie to the entrance of rainbow bridge and you gave her back to our Lord. And he will keep her in his loving arms waiting for you. She is part of all now and with your mother. Love, Pamela

Hi Ann,
I have been traveling the last two weeks and have been thinking of you and everyone here.
It was nice to read how you put away the pictures that cause you more pain.
I have so many of Esabella's pictures throughout my home.....they are joyful pictures and I smile and go back in time with her when I look at that cute way she would express "I love you"...........I use these pictures as a sourse of strength and praise of the wonderful years we experienced together.
Coco sat in Bella's seat as we traveled this trip.........I had moments of tears in missing my sweetheart..........as were all of my family in missing her when we arrived back in the Carolina's. But.............Esabella lives forever in my heart.......Coco is my best friend of 15 years and loves all this attention. My new Angelo is another gift in my life which has been extremely helpful through this painful experience. So. I am moving on in a happy fashion now...............staying so busy with my little ones and cherishing every momemt.
PLease continue with your steps each day to ease some of this pain. You are doing so wonderful.
God Bless You.
With Love...........
Litebrez

Dear Ann...dear, sweet Ann...you loved Snookie with all your heart...you know that, your family knows that, and, most importantly, Snookie knows that. You gave Snookie the best life she could've ever hoped for...right up to the end, and at the end, you were right there for her.

I remember when you took Snookie to the vet back in December, you didn't know if the vet was going to recommend that you put Snookie to sleep or if he'd have something to treat her with. I also remember your post when you returned from the vet. You were happy because he'd given you hope and medicine. You were hopeful that you would have some more quality time with Snookie. I think if you had known then that Snookie would have suffered even a little bit, you would have opted to have her put to sleep that day at the vets, but Ann, you didn't know. I've said this to several people here...you can't hold yourself responsible for something you didn't know. Snookie loves you and knows that what you did was out of your great love for her.

Ann, you're such a kind woman, and you've said so many kind things to me and to the others here at LS. Allow yourself some of that kindness...you of all people deserve it.

Love,
Kathleen

Dear Ann,
I don't know you as the others here do, but I can tell from your posts that you have always done the very best for your fur babies. None of us are doctors who know the signs of illnesses....we just love our sweet pets. And sometimes we love them so much that it clouds our vision. We begin to feel that we can take care of all their needs. Sadly, we cannot do anything more than make decisions based on our past experiences.

My Sadie had siezures for a number of years. The first siezure she had, I totally freaked out. I thought she was dying and called the vet in hysterics. The vet knew immediately what it was by my description of what she was doing. After awhile of seeing Sadie go through the siezures, I became used to them and knew exactly what to do when she had one. When she fell down the stairs last Friday night and acted so strangely later, I didn't know what to do....didn't know whether it was just an emotional reaction to the fall or if she was in pain. I didn't know because that had never happened before, so I had to make the best decision I could and hope it was the right one.

Each time we have a new member of our families, whether they be animal members or humane members, we care for them by using our knowledge of past events and situations. That's all we can do.

Please don't judge yourself so harshly. Treat yourself with dignity and respect and know that your Snookie or Chilli Bean would never want you to be beating yourself up like this. Remember them for the loving, sweet babies that they were. I'm so glad you got rid of those awful pictures of your baby. That's not who they were...they were not those lifeless bodies....they were soooo much more than that and you should remember them for their vibrant, sweetness rather than by their moments of death.

Afterall, their deaths were a tiny fraction of who they were and the dying part was not what you loved. Celebrate their lives by reminding yourself about all the good parts, which is 99.9% of it.

Take care, Ann.
Carol

You all are such a comfort to me and I must tell you I had to fight the urge to get the pictures of her sickness and death out. But I kept telling myself no more, I would not do that to myself any longer. I did try to make Snookie feel like a queen all her life. I loved her to the fulliest and could not have done any better by her except at the end.

My husband says it almost killed me to have Chili Bean put to sleep, and he believes our precious Snookie wanted to go on her own at home surrounded with love by her family. I hope I do not get the pictures out and look at them anymore. I spent hours looking at them everyday from the day she left this world.

Cheri, You were so right it took something like my precious Schnitzel being hurt to make me realize just how very much I do love her. I didn't know I had that strong of a love for her this whole time or even when that strong love came. So yes, Summer did open my eyes in many ways to things I could not see right under my nose.

When Schnitzel was attacked and hurt I realized that the deep love for her was there all along. She came running and got on my lap and stared at me with hurt in her eyes to make it better. Her little ears were pulled back, my baby hunched herself up, was shaking like crazy. She licked at the bleeding wound on her belly and I felt that rush of love for her. I scooped her up and ran for help, there I was calling her My Love and pumpkin pie just like I did Snookie when she was with me. I know now that she is my love, my little girl and I love her so very much.

I went and got a perm today and really felt like living life again. My husband says he already see a difference in me. I was able to smile a lot more today than I have for months. So I know there is hope for me to learn to live life again and to really be able to have pleasure.

I tried to hold little Schnitzel to show her stitches but she would not let me turn her over and I didn't want to hurt her. I am going to put the picture on anyway. At least you will be able to see how happy I am holding her. The love for her really reaches my eyes now. How could I have not known how much I loved her and how much she means to me. I know she is pretty shabby looking I am getting her a cut Tuesday.

My husband says he knew I was always looking at the pictures everyday but even he did not know I was doing it to punshing myself. He thought I just missed her and needed to look at the pictures. I didn't even tell him why I kept looking at them. He says I don't look as stressed out today as I have been looking.

Let's not keep secrets from each other here on LS either, I don't know why I hid what I was doing. Maybe I was afraid of what you all might say. If any of you are tormenting yourself with pictures of your baby while sick or pictures of their death, please put them away. It will only keep you from healing and it will continue to hurt almost as much as it did on that terrible day. No wonder I couldn't get better I kept her death fresh in my mind all these months.
Love, Ann

Dear Ann,
In order to get past negative thoughts, some people will literally write those thoughts down on paper and burn them. Maybe you should consider doing that. And possibly throw those awful pictures in with your negative thoughts. This will mark a time when you move from the thoughts of punishing yourself to a time of rebirth and remembering only the sweet and happy things about your babies.

You were nothing but wonderful to your babies and you deserve to be able to think of them in only positive ways from now on.

That picture of you and Schnitzel is such a happy one!! You look like a proud momma and it's evident that Schnitzel knows that she has the best mommy there is!!

Thinking of you, Ann!
Carol

Dear Ann,
I understand what you have been going through. I think in many ways I am still punishing myself over having had Hannah put to sleep and over so many other things I feel I should or should not have done -- it seems to me that I have just been a failure my whole life now. I talked to a friend of mine who is a psychologist and she said she thinks I still need to be on anti-depressants, so I think maybe I'll try to get some soon.

That decision about euthanasia is absolutely the most difficult decision of all -- since they cannot speak to us, we can never really know for certain what to do. We do the best we can at the time, and then we second-guess ourselves.

Here is a beautiful poem I want to share with you and others here who all know the horrible, horrible pain of not knowing if we did the right thing, even though we KNOW we did try to do the right thing by our babies. And the pain and memory of those last cries that we hold in our hearts and minds everytime we think of them. I pray for all of us and for our babies. I pray for peace and healing for us, the "parents." I have lived almost one year now without my little girl Hannah, and my heart and soul are still so empty, so sad, so broken still. I know that we loved them so very much, and, even though I can't seem to stop myself from feeling so empty and lost either, we surely must find a way to learn to live again.
Love,
Marcia
Baby Hannah's Mom (Hannah: July 22, 1988 - April 19, 2004)


Forgiveness

Mom? Dad? Are you there?
Of course you are – I know how much you care.
But I need for you to listen to me,
To stop what you’re doing and sit quietly.

I feel your pain and I taste your tears –
It doesn’t matter whether it’s been hours or years –
I know that you long to hold me again –
And you will, although I can’t say when.

You did nothing wrong, I want you to believe that.
I cherish every second of our life together, each sacred moment.
We are all frail, and our best is what we have to give -
It’s different with each breath, each second we live.

When you remember a time you think you failed me,
When the guilt rises up and engulfs you completely,
I want you to forgive yourself, to accept that you did your best,
And to believe that, because we found each other, we are blessed.

If you need to hear me say that I forgive you,
Then I say it, because of course I do,
Just as I know you have forgiven me -
After all, we are family.

I love you, my dear one, with all my soul,
And that love is a gift I freely bestow,
Without taint from guilt or anguished memories -
I want you to know peace and heart’s ease.

So let the guilt go, accept my offering of grace,
Let your soul find this place,
This place of love and forgiveness, and perfect vow,
For I loved you then and I love you now.
©2005 Barbara Allen

Dear Marcia, Thanks so much for the beautiful poem. It is a comfort and I know Hannah and Snookie would not want us to blame ourseves. Oh Marcia you are not a failure, look how much you loved your darling and she loved you. How could they love us so much if we were failures.

I know that Snookie loved me with all her heart just as I did her. We would have never done anything on purpose to hurt our little girls. They looked to us to meet their every need, I know you did that for your little girl. And I know I treated my little girl like a queen and she thought she was too.

My little girl never liked to see me cry and she would lick away the tears. Snookie would then bring a toy and put her rear end in the air. She knew it would cause me to laugh everytime. I think when I start crying I am going to picture that little rear end in the air. Maybe I will be able to stop the tears that way.

Oh God I just miss her so much but I am going to try hard to live a good life. Snookie and Chili Bean would only want what was best for me. You know your precious Hannah would want that for you too. We were so loved and blessed!
Love, Ann

Dear Carol, Thanks for the kind words about my little Schnitzel. I just had to show the picture of my little girl and me. She is a little doll and is getting better every day now that she is 8 months old.

Snookie layed with Schnitzel a lot before she passed away. I think Snookie liked her better than she let on. Maybe she knew there would be a lot of time for me to love Schnitzel and she wanted all the attention since her time was short and she knew it.

I have felt so relieved now that I am not looking at the pictures of my little Snookie when she was so sick and after she left this world. Yet at the same time I have had to fight the urge since I have done that to myself since the day after Christmas. I left the house today for a while. the urge was so strong I thought I might give in. I thought maybe I should give them to my sister to safely put away for me. But for some reason I don't want to let them go.

I want to remember my little girl loving and being loved like in this photo I am attaching. We never could get enough of touching each other.
Love, Ann