I Put Away Some Things, Of My Darling Snookie Options

[Ann H]

I put away some things away that belonged to my darling Snookie girl. I put her sweaters away and stored them in the closet. With it I put her tug of war rope for I could not bear to give it up. We played with it so many times over the years. I put way her ball with her teeth marks in it. I also put away all the pictures I had of her when she was so sick, and the ones I took of her after she left this world. Yes, I was morbid and I took many pictures right after she died. I even took them of her in the car when I was taking her to the vet.

I think the pictures of her dying and of her death cause me to much pain. I would look at them all the time, and I would say look what I did to my baby who I loved more than anything upon the face of the earth. I made her suffer because her vet was not in because of the Christmas Holiday and I only wanted him.

So now just the pictures are on my computer when she was well and healthy. They are the only ones I left in the picture book too. I could not bear the other pictures of her looking so ill any longer. I took many after she died and I took more when I had her in the car to make the 80 mile trip to have her creamated. I just kept torturing myself looking at those picture every day since she left me.

Maybe now I will be able to get over the guilt feelings and be able to find peace somehow. I never told any of you that I was looking at those picture day in and day out. Somehow I felt I deserved to be tormented for my selfish act of not taking my girl to the emergency room when I knew she was so sick. I felt I deserved to feel bad for what I had done to my darling.

Maybe now my heart will begin to heal since I am no longer looking at them. I hope God will find a way to help me forgive myself for my selfish act of not helping her when I knew I should have. I just wanted her vet to perform the final act of love who she knew and loved and I knew her vet loved her too.
Ann

[Kimi]

Dear Ann,

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You loved Snookie with all of your heart and more. I know we waited too long to have Ayla put to sleep. I told my husband to call the Sat. before and they were closed. He then told me he didn't think Ayla was ready to go yet. Oh the relief I felt when he said that... knowing that she was ready and I was prolonging her death just like what the vet told me I needed to think about. And so 4 more days went by and she started failing so fast. And then I had to make the dreaded phone call. And it still haunts me and I too took pictures the night before and when I look at them I feel sick. We just love them so much and it is so hard to let go.

I know how you feel about wanting your special vet to help her pass. We had just started visiting this new clinic with 3 vets. Ayla had seen two of them but the one she hadn't seen was the one who called me with the results of Ayla's blood test. He had such a kind and gentle voice and explained so much to me on the phone. When he was talking to me I pictured James Herriot. I only met him once when we went to get more antibiotics for Ayla. I was hoping he would be there on the dreaded day and when the door opened and it was him, I was so relieved. But...nothing will ever erase that awful day from my mind as long as I live.

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad today. We all sometimes think we made the wrong decision but you did everything right and Snookie knows that. Please don't punish yourself.

Many hugs,
Kimi