How Bad It Really Still Is, Missing My Girls I Must Tell It Options

[Ann H]

I am living a lie by saying the pain is so much better and that it is getting easier living without my girls. I am just short of telling a lie when I say I don't cry as much. No, the tears don't come as often but that's because most of the time I hold them back. Yes, the pain is better than it was at first but not that much, it still hurts and it hurts a lot.

I have tried to be strong and help everyone here at LS. But sometimes I would really like to say help me I am hurting so much I can't stand it. The pain wont leave me alone for very long and I think I am losing my mind. My life will never be the same no matter how much time passes. I find it hard to smile and laugh like I once used too even though the smiles are coming more often.

Three short months and yet so very long months have gone by since my Snookie left this world. I miss her so much and the tears are ever in the back of my eyes waiting to escape. I want to pound my pillow and scream out Snookie's name and beg God to give her back to me well and whole without sickness or disease. Sometimes moan and groans still excape my lips when I think Clair is asleep. Sleep is still hard to come by but now at least I am able to eat once again.

I want to declare that my world has fallen out from under me and I am living under a veil of sadness and longing. Along with that sadness is a feeling a hopelessness that just maybe the pain will always feel so bad even though it has lessened somewhat.

I want to scream that since losing Snookie and Chili Bean that the days are hard and the nights are even harder though they are slightly less painful than the first couple of months were. Everywhere I go I have memories of them going with me.

My thoughts dwell on my little girl Snookie Cookie and also upon Chili Bean. I pray for strength to carry on in a world that does not contain as much happiness as it once did. I tell everyone here that the pain lessens but I don't say it still rocks me to my core and still almost takes me to my knees. That there is still a lump in my throat that makes it hard to swallow.

I thought about leaving but I have come to love everyone here. I want to help ease the pain of others to let them know how much we care. Yet at the same time I need help too and you have all been so wonderful to me.

I did not want to feel I had to hold back what I really thought. I thought instead of trying to run away and hide and not let anyone know how much it still hurts, that I would write this post that tells how I am really feeling. I wanted to say what is in my broken shattered heart.

I know without a doubt that I will see my babies again and that does give me comfort. But I miss them so very much and the pain is still great. Oh God if I could just hold them one more time on this earth. But that can never be and it breaks my heart for all of us.
Ann

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[Ladypurr]

Dear Ann,

I fear I may not get anything done today at work. I just can't see through the tears. I cried when I read your post. We have all experienced the terrible loss, the void. It is different for all of us, however.

What helps me cope with the loss of one of my beloved companions is that I have remaining babies to care for. They look to us for their every need and they beg to be loved. They help to ease the pain but the void does still remain.

Perhaps in time, Ann, you will be in a place where you could open your heart and home to another precious life. There are so many desperate souls at our shelters and pounds. It's heartbreaking to visit there because you really do want to take them all, but if you just save one, you have saved a life and given yourself another special opportunity to love again. It doesn't mean you have "replaced" your precious Chilibean and Snookie. We all know that they can never be replaced (even "cloning" can't do that), but you can love again and believe me it is wonderful!

Our hearts go out to you. I will keep you in my prayers and ask God to give you the peace that passes all understanding.

With love and sympathy,

--Susan
~ a voice for the voiceless ~