I am living a lie by saying the pain is so much better and that it is getting easier living without my girls. I am just short of telling a lie when I say I don't cry as much. No, the tears don't come as often but that's because most of the time I hold them back. Yes, the pain is better than it was at first but not that much, it still hurts and it hurts a lot.

I have tried to be strong and help everyone here at LS. But sometimes I would really like to say help me I am hurting so much I can't stand it. The pain wont leave me alone for very long and I think I am losing my mind. My life will never be the same no matter how much time passes. I find it hard to smile and laugh like I once used too even though the smiles are coming more often.

Three short months and yet so very long months have gone by since my Snookie left this world. I miss her so much and the tears are ever in the back of my eyes waiting to escape. I want to pound my pillow and scream out Snookie's name and beg God to give her back to me well and whole without sickness or disease. Sometimes moan and groans still excape my lips when I think Clair is asleep. Sleep is still hard to come by but now at least I am able to eat once again.

I want to declare that my world has fallen out from under me and I am living under a veil of sadness and longing. Along with that sadness is a feeling a hopelessness that just maybe the pain will always feel so bad even though it has lessened somewhat.

I want to scream that since losing Snookie and Chili Bean that the days are hard and the nights are even harder though they are slightly less painful than the first couple of months were. Everywhere I go I have memories of them going with me.

My thoughts dwell on my little girl Snookie Cookie and also upon Chili Bean. I pray for strength to carry on in a world that does not contain as much happiness as it once did. I tell everyone here that the pain lessens but I don't say it still rocks me to my core and still almost takes me to my knees. That there is still a lump in my throat that makes it hard to swallow.

I thought about leaving but I have come to love everyone here. I want to help ease the pain of others to let them know how much we care. Yet at the same time I need help too and you have all been so wonderful to me.

I did not want to feel I had to hold back what I really thought. I thought instead of trying to run away and hide and not let anyone know how much it still hurts, that I would write this post that tells how I am really feeling. I wanted to say what is in my broken shattered heart.

I know without a doubt that I will see my babies again and that does give me comfort. But I miss them so very much and the pain is still great. Oh God if I could just hold them one more time on this earth. But that can never be and it breaks my heart for all of us.
Ann

We truly do understand your pain. Sometimes it helps to take a break - stop coming online for a short while. The rest of us will help the new people while you try to sort out your own grief...

Here's some old news - we all feel like crying now and then. The pain comes back, sometimes, in full force - leaving us depressed and feeling like we haven't made any progress at all. But it never stays. And the more we move forward, the more we remember the happiness and the shorter the time period is that the grief stays with us.

I hope you learn to come to terms with your loss - I think that our pets would want us to do so.

And we're here for you - when you are strong, when you are weak, when you need to talk.

dearest Ann,
i am SO glad that you wrote about your feelings today. not that you're sad of course, that you are speaking about the whole story for you right now.
i'm honoring ALL of your feelings and can relate very deeply to them.
Your giving of such solid support for others here must be balanced by your receiving of the same.
Also, in case you didn't realize it, your sharing of these depths actually serves everyone far more than you perhaps know. i know it has helped me in that way today.
so, thank you.
blessings and light into your soul
sending my love.

Dear Ann,

I just want to thank you for all of the encouragement you have given me since I joined this forum last week. You were the first one to encourage me to tell my story about Allie, and you were immediately so welcoming.

I am so glad that you expressed your feelings -we are all feeling the same way -because I wondered how you could be so strong and so supportive of everyone all the time! And you have been, amazingly so, but you deserve to lean on us as much as we lean on you. We know how much it hurts...pray...pray for dreams of your Snook and Chili Bean. I prayed for one of Allie last night and I got one. I held her in my arms and stroked her soft fur and kissed her, and I knew that she was safe from harm and it felt so wonderful.

As much as we want our babies back in our lives right now, God does listen to our anger, and He will give us ways to keep our babies in our hearts and lives forever, if we just keep our eyes and ears open. We have to remind ourselves that we're exactly where we're meant to be at this moment, on the path.

God bless you Ann. Keep your chin up and any time you feel like sharing your sadness...don't hesitate.

Love,
Jenny

Dear Ann,

I'm sorry you're still so sad. You've been so strong for everyone here. I guess we all just have to face the fact that we can't change what happened to our beloved pets. We can't bring them back no matter how much we want that. I just wish our life spans were more in tuned with those of our pets. Even when we get them young, their time with us is never long enough.

Hang in there, Ann. Things will get better. They have to. How long can one go on feeling so devastated? We're all here for you and wishing you peace in your life. You have a wonderful family and an new grandbaby coming. Those are very positive things. You have other furkids to take care of. They need you. Little Snookie and Chili Bean would hate it that you're so sad. Try to focus on all of the good years you had together.

Many days I answer posts and try to be encouraging and I'm still crying for my Rusty. There will never be another Rusty in my life - ever and I have to accept that. I try to remember all of the happiness he gave me and focus on how loved he felt by my family.

Take care, Ann. I think it's a good thing for you to express your feelings and not feel that you always have to be strong for everyone else. You're only human.

Love,
Lynn

Ann,
I'm also glad you opened up on here. You have been SO supportive of me in the past week and I want to do the same if I can. I feel like I'm only echoing everyone else's words when I say that your babies will always be with you. Try to flip the pain around a bit and force yourself to make a list of what you're grateful for in terms of your time spent with them. I"m sure your list of happy things will far outweigh the bad feelings you're having. I dont' believe it will make your pain go away, but I do think it will help you to shift your outlook a bit and see that your life with them had a purpose. And I'm sure when the time is right, you will open your heart again to another baby who will desperatly need you.
Thinking of you,
Audrey

Ann, I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. You have been a pillar of strength for many of us here (probably ALL of us), but you are only human and you are suffering the same as the rest of us. I'm generally a very private person, not one to put my heart on my sleeve nor to talk about my feelings to anyone (including my fiance), but after Nikki's death, I had to talk to someone or I wouldn't have survived. I'm glad I found this site and found the words and courage to write my post. You were one of the first to reply and offer words of encouragement and support, and for that I thank you. I'm sorry that I have not seemed as supportive of everyone else - the words for that have completely escaped me. But I do read your posts and I do cry for you and pray for you all that we will all find peace and love and happiness again. I may not be full of wisdom and great advice right now, but I do know that our babies would not want us to be sad. It seemed to be Nikki's mission in life to make everyone around her laugh and smile and feel better. And she was good at it. I know Snookie wanted the same for you and she still does. Please take care of yourself and let yourself cry when you need to. Thank you again for your support and know that I am thinking of you.

Dawn

Dearest Ann-
You have echoed every single one of my sentiments!!!! We lost our Indy, Snookie and Chili Bean so close togther.
I say I'm healing and feeling stronger. I say it because I guess it's how I should feel. But, in fact, it's not the case.
I sometimes deny how I am feeling. I hold back the tears because I think I must.
Surely you've noticed what a step back I've taken from posting. It became so painful to read each new LS member's story. I was living my loss all over again. It was easier to run and hide then stay and offer my support. I admire the strength you've shown and the love and comfort you've given to so many.
My thoughts are with you as we both continue to struggle through.
Hopefully our next 3 months will hurt just a little bit less.
Love,
Fran

Ann, I often think of you and your babies. I remember how Snookie and Falkor were sick around the same time, and I feel so sad that Snookie couldn't have stabilized the way Falkor did. I think of that a lot.

You have been a great suport to me here. I am not really around much anymore, but I like to drop in and say a few words now and then.

I think this place is a great site for us to give a tribute to all of our lost furbabies. I hope that my "post your furbaby" thread will keep active for a long time, even after you and I and many others are not on here so much anymore.

I had to take a lengthy break a few times too, but I always ended up coming back. For now anyways. If you do leave, I'd love it if you could PMS me your email address.

I'll PMS you mine at any rate.

hugs - Steph

My Dear Ann,

It seems we ride on a merry-go-round of emotions during this grief with the pain, sadness, loneliness........feeling hopeless.............then on the up side..........we are able to reach some sort of level to learn........there is .. some peace in our hearts..

Remember your dream and the special message you received.
Remember all those moments that have made you smile again .... keep those thoughts with you.........as you travel this course in time.

So many people here have jumped off that merry-go-round and went on with their lives.............they were free and ready to go.
As for me...........I am not going anywhere.......I am not ready and want to support any person like yourself who needs some help. I don't think you will ever leave Ann....you have so much loving support to share and give, as well of the fact that you have frequent episodes of terrible sadness. But.............you are growing and being directed in a positive path. Everything takes time.

Ann........I could get on here once a day and share my moment of fall apart...but I read and write, hoping I can give back what has been given to me. That is helpful to me..............even writing in tears.

I am there with you and will stay there always.

With Love........

Litebrez
.

Dear Ann and AbbysMommy,

I am so very sorry you are still in such torment, but you are doing the right thing by expressing it honestly and thoroughly. I believe it is the only way to work through it. You are having such a hard time and my heart goes out to you. You both felt so deeply connected to your girls. And Ann your two girls both died so close together--that would compound the grief and the grieving process many times over for anyone, let alone someone like you who felt so deeply for her loved ones. You both must have so many holes and empty spaces in your lives right now that it must be like learning to live all over again. I know it is SO painful, and it has still really not been a very long time since your tragedies happened!!! I wish I knew something comforting to say that would help but I know all I can say is I sympathize.

I don't know if this will be helpful to you or not but this thread made me remember an image I had after Shelby died that was a turning point for me: Do you remember the scene in the end of the movie "Titanic" where the Kate Winslet character lets go of the dead body of her beloved and watches him sink into the ocean so she can free herself to swim to the lifeboat and save herself? She has almost made up her mind to die there with him but he is already gone and she is not and has a chance to save herself if she lets him go? After Shelby died and I was staggering around feeling sick and weak from not eating or sleeping and crazed with grief and guilt and wishing I were dead and not taking care of myself or my daughter, that scene from that movie came into my mind. Then and there, I told Shelby that I loved her and cherished her memory and was sorry to have to let go but that I had to or this grief was going to kill me. It felt almost cold-hearted, like some survival-instinct thing. First, through blinding tears I food down my throat bit by choking bit. Then I gathered up all the photos, the dog bed, the collar, etc. and put them away in the garage, crying and apologizing to her the whole time: "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I love you, I will always love you, but I can't keep going like this. Please forgive me." I cleared away all her things and vowed I would not torment myself with missing her or with the horror of her passing any more than I could help. I literally forced myself, against my will, back into the land of the living, much like I forced myself, against my will, to bring her to the vet to be euthanized when I was convinced a painful end was near. Now, maybe this is just yet another example of me being my impulsive and erractic self, and I'm not saying this "cured" me or anything but I *know* it was some kind of turning point somehow, and I am convinced that scene from Titanic has a lot of validity in it for anyone facing loss. Believe me, I still live every day with a large sickening hole in my heart but I just figure this is the way life is going to be from now on so I am learning how to be a person who has a hole in her heart and I can do this. But I found had to eventually let go of that toxic brand of grief that was slowly sinking me and that was how I started doing it.

I know everyone's journey is different. Just please make sure you are not punishing yourselves or grieving for other reasons beyond your darlings. Please love and be good to yourselves as you have been so loving and good to so many people seeking comfort on this site (including me). But beyond that, I can only admire your profound capacity for love and attachment, and wish you strength and courage and comfort as you continue your journey through grief and learn to live without you darlings. May comfort begin to find you soon.

Love,

Susan

Dear Ann,

I'm SO sorry you are struggling so hard. I would have responded sooner, but I have been away for several days. My husband just lost his uncle on Good Friday. Easter was spent in tears and full of the questions like "Why him? He was such a good man!"

At the services, I was reminded that we are told to celebrate a loved one's life after death. It really struck my as strange at the time. It is SO hard to celebrate a life when it is taken away from you. However, we have to believe that God has a plan and a reason for every life. It seems obvious to me that your precious girls were there for you for a reason. They gave the unconditional love that you were robbed of as a very young girl. Losing them has brought back all that pain and rejection for you. It seems SO unfair that they had to leave you on this earth after making your life so full and loved. I know your husband and family love you dearly, but I also understand that "special" love you feel from one of God's precious creatures. It's a different kind of love.

Oh Ann, you don't have to pretend with us! We are ALL here for you!!!
Again, you are being too hard on yourself. There hasn't been enough time for you to heal completely yet. You must expect these terrible days. It will be 6 months on April 2nd that my precious angel Rachael had to leave me. I STILL have some very bad days, although I am having some good ones now too. I read postings in here, like you do, of someone having lost their furbaby a year ago, and still having very bad days. The love and bonds you shared with them have left you feeling empty. Not to mention, losing TWO precious furbabies so close together! Most of us are mourning one death, you are trying to cope with two.

God Bless you Ann!
I pray every day for God to bring you the healing peace you deserve.
Cheri

Dearest Ann:

It has been such a very, very, very SHORT TIME since the passing of your beloved daughter Snookie Cookie, and also
your precious Chili Bean.......

Thank you soooooooooo much for being honest with us, Ann.....
As CheriAnn stated:

ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT, PLEASE!!!!
We are friends here, Ann.....

I have made such precious, long-life friends here Ann, and I know that you have as well.....

I was told by someone on this site..............that,
"IT TAKES AT LEAST ONE FULL MONTH PER YEAR (THAT YOU HAVE OWNED YOUR FURBABY), to "GET OVER" losing
your precious furkid.......
(I know that for some of us we won't ever totally GET OVER THE LOSS OF OUR FURBABIES).
And...............that's okay......

Always...............you have helped (IMMENSELY!!!), and answered almost all, (if not very, very close to all), of all the posters here, at Lightning-Strike, Ann.
The number of posts that you have made shows that.
I thought (and still think), that you have such a wonderful gift of helping people,

I am just TERRIBLY SORRY that it DIDN'T DAWN ON ME THAT PERHAPS YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN KEEPING YOURSELF SOOOOOO BUSY HELPING OTHERS, THAT MAYBE........YOU GOT LOST SOMEWHERE IN THERE????
Not ASKING FOR WHAT YOU NEED!!!

Please, forgive me!!! I am sorry.

Quoting Litebrez......

Always, always remember those!!



Ann, it's normal & healthy to hear you say, "I thought about leaving"...... At some point, (in my experience), I had to "leave for awhile..........."
But, as you can see..........I didn't leave forever, because I am here now.....
Whether it was two weeks or two months...........I needed to take some time off for Denise....myself... You know???
And, it was good for me.....

Of course, as you said, "but I have come to love everyone here...."
I know that you do...........I do as well....
And, I LOVE YOU AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED BY SOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY PEOPLE HERE AT LS!!!!!
You are a REAL TREASURE, and I am grateful that you are a friend to me!!!

But, that shouldn't mean that "you can't take a break......for yourself, Ann".....
You can love everyone here, and still take a break......
Lightning-Strike WILL ALWAYS BE HERE...........
I'm sure you can see, since you've been here, that people are here quite often, and then "they take breaks".... But,
they come back....
It's normal, and it's extremely healthy.....

I am sooooooooooo happy that you really, honestly and openly shared exactly how you feel!!!!!
IT'S THE ONLY WAY AT ALL THAT WE CAN HELP YOU......

I always want to know how you are doing, and that's because I care!!!
Just like you do----to ALL the members of LS.
You have MANY, MANY FRIENDS HERE!!!

Unfortunately, we all had to meet because we lost our special, precious kids............BUT, I THANK GOD THAT THIS
SITE EXISTS.......
I cannot imagine WHERE I WOULD BE IF LS WASN'T HERE, AND I HADN'T MET SOOOOOOOOOO MANY FANTASTIC, WONDERFUL, LOVING, CARING PEOPLE!!!!!
This site, to be honest, is MY FAMILY!!!!

WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU ANN................YOU REMEMBER THAT, OKAY??????

God Bless You Always, Ann!!!

Love, Denise xo

I love you all so much for reaching out to me. It never ceases to amaze me that after losing our babies we can all come together and comfort each other. We all know what real pain feels like, it has left so many of us broken and devastated.

Yet in our devastation it has made us strong enough to be able to come together and reach out to each other. You have all offered me words of strength, love, and wisdom, a shoulder to cry upon. It means so much to me that you have all reached out to take my hand. I know that I am not alone as I reach out to take your hands.

I feel as though I know each one of you so well. Each person here has so much love, compassion, and understanding. I should have known not to be afraid to say how I really felt. The pain is better but I felt I should be further along in this grief journey.

Had it not been for the dream I had of my darling Snookie showing me it was alright to love again I think I might have retreated into a world of my own. I don't think my healing was getting very far until then. Perhaps in time I will find more peace and the joy I once had. Thank you all so much.
Love, Ann

Ann,
Its very obvious by the number of supportive replies you have received that you are very much appreciated and needed. All of us are suffering through an event we would not wish upon anyone, but we will all get through it, not over it , but through it.
I wish I knew something to say that would remove the grief and replace it with peace, but only you can do that when the time comes.
darrell

Hi Ann,
I am glad you were able to talk about how you are still feeling and glad that you got such wise responses. It has not been that long since you lost your precious girl and you were her constant caretaker with so much stress and fear over her condition for such a long time. It is completely understandable that you would still be in great pain over the loss of your babies.

When I read your post, it was pretty "strange" to me because you echoed many of the feelings that have slowly been creeping back upon me in the last week or two really seriously -- as you know, it will soon be the 1-year anniversary of Miss Hannah's death. TONIGHT even before I came on the site, I was thinking "I don't know how I'll be able to make it through the next few weeks leading up to that day, much less how I will make it through THAT DAY! Hannah started getting really sick about this time last year. It is Spring again now here, the weather is warm and we've had some beautiful days. I just so much wish I could have Hannah here now too!

I've finally gotten a new job and am supposed to start next week, and already am wondering how I'm going to do at work on THAT day and all that.

Anyway, enough about me . . . you just have to take care of yourself -- you know that -- no matter how you feel. Just like Susan said -- I know I too will one day have to force myself to stop thinking about the sad, bad memories. I wonder quite often now what it is that does make so many of us grieve so for such a long time and really wish I could talk to a psychologist again. I do believe somehow, sometimes we are punishing ourselves for not being able to "save" our babies. I also believe it has very much to do with other unresolved losses and hurts, as someone already said here in this thread.

And I know Audrey is so right when she says to focus on all the good, etc., because we all know how much you loved, cherished and cared for Snookie Cookie and Chili Bean. I know I am a person who spends a lot of time focusing on negative things and somehow forgets the good when it concerns me and my actions.

I have had to take many breaks from the site because I frequently start to torment myself all over again if I read something that "strikes a chord" within me. I go off on these tangents in my mind and I just feel crazy all over again too. I know that is really, really not good for me, but I also believe that just avoiding those feelings won't ultimately help either. I still feel the need to get some professional help, someone to help me to come to terms with it all, particularly with having had Hannah put to sleep. I also want to make a post on here at least somewhere near the anniversary date -- a post about my feelings that I am so hopeful will help me in my healing and help the people here who read it. It won't be easy to do, but I hope that I will be able to do it.

You have so many people here who love and care about you -- I love and care about you. God loves and cares for you, and I know you will find great strength in that. You have a life where the people around you love and care about you, and I am so glad for you. I know that no one can fill Snookie Cookie's place in your heart or your life -- not ever. No one -- nothing in this world will ever fill Hannah's place in my heart or my life, and I don't want it to, but I do wish sometimes it didn't hurt so bad.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love,
Marcia

Dear Ann,

When I read your post I had to think of my own grieving and where I was 3 months after Shiloh died. December 17th was Shiloh's 3rd month anniversary...I can remember going to PetSmart before Christmas and hearing the advertisement for photos of your pet with Santa...that announcement caused a major meltdown for me. I remember leaving the store in tears. I'm 6 1/2 months into my grieving over Shiloh, and although I don't cry as much as I used to, I still cry every now and then, but, honestly, I still miss Shiloh so very much...words can't describe how much I miss her. I think you're exactly where you're supposed to be in your grieving.

I think you've come such a long way, Ann. It's absolutely okay for you to reach out and ask for reassurance. You've helped so many people here. You've been so kind to me, you've said so many nice things about Shiloh, and you've helped me so much. Thank you for being such a strong shoulder for all of us.

Love,
Kathleen

Dear Ann,

I fear I may not get anything done today at work. I just can't see through the tears. I cried when I read your post. We have all experienced the terrible loss, the void. It is different for all of us, however.

What helps me cope with the loss of one of my beloved companions is that I have remaining babies to care for. They look to us for their every need and they beg to be loved. They help to ease the pain but the void does still remain.

Perhaps in time, Ann, you will be in a place where you could open your heart and home to another precious life. There are so many desperate souls at our shelters and pounds. It's heartbreaking to visit there because you really do want to take them all, but if you just save one, you have saved a life and given yourself another special opportunity to love again. It doesn't mean you have "replaced" your precious Chilibean and Snookie. We all know that they can never be replaced (even "cloning" can't do that), but you can love again and believe me it is wonderful!

Our hearts go out to you. I will keep you in my prayers and ask God to give you the peace that passes all understanding.

With love and sympathy,

--Susan
~ a voice for the voiceless ~

Dear Ann,

I fear I may not get anything done today at work. I just can't see through the tears. I cried when I read your post. We have all experienced the terrible loss, the void but it is different for all of us.

What helps me cope with the loss of one of my beloved companions is that I have remaining babies to care for. they look to us for their every need and they beg to be loved. They help to ease the pain but the void does still remain.

Perhaps in time, Ann, you will be in a place where you could open your heart and home to another precious life. there are so many desperate souls at our shelters and poounds. It's heartbreaking to visit there because you really do want to take them all, but if you just save one, you have saved a life and give yourself another opportunity to love again. It doesn't mean you have "replaced" your precious Chilibean and Snookie. We all know that they can never be replaced (even "cloning" can't do that), but you can love again and believe me it is wonderful!

Our hearts go out to you. I will keep you in my prayers and ask God to give you the peace that passes all understanding.

With love and sympathy,

--Susan
~ a voice for the voiceless ~

Thanks all. I am feeling somewhat better most of the time but I miss my babies so much. I really am enjoying having my daughter's toy poodle Gypsy Rose and the 2 kitties Amber and Cinny with me all the time. Schnitzel gets along with them all real well. They all have settled in knowing that they don't have to travel from house to house anymore. Cinny sleeps at my head and also in my arm.
Love, Ann