How Bad It Really Still Is, Missing My Girls I Must Tell It Options

[Ann H]

I am living a lie by saying the pain is so much better and that it is getting easier living without my girls. I am just short of telling a lie when I say I don't cry as much. No, the tears don't come as often but that's because most of the time I hold them back. Yes, the pain is better than it was at first but not that much, it still hurts and it hurts a lot.

I have tried to be strong and help everyone here at LS. But sometimes I would really like to say help me I am hurting so much I can't stand it. The pain wont leave me alone for very long and I think I am losing my mind. My life will never be the same no matter how much time passes. I find it hard to smile and laugh like I once used too even though the smiles are coming more often.

Three short months and yet so very long months have gone by since my Snookie left this world. I miss her so much and the tears are ever in the back of my eyes waiting to escape. I want to pound my pillow and scream out Snookie's name and beg God to give her back to me well and whole without sickness or disease. Sometimes moan and groans still excape my lips when I think Clair is asleep. Sleep is still hard to come by but now at least I am able to eat once again.

I want to declare that my world has fallen out from under me and I am living under a veil of sadness and longing. Along with that sadness is a feeling a hopelessness that just maybe the pain will always feel so bad even though it has lessened somewhat.

I want to scream that since losing Snookie and Chili Bean that the days are hard and the nights are even harder though they are slightly less painful than the first couple of months were. Everywhere I go I have memories of them going with me.

My thoughts dwell on my little girl Snookie Cookie and also upon Chili Bean. I pray for strength to carry on in a world that does not contain as much happiness as it once did. I tell everyone here that the pain lessens but I don't say it still rocks me to my core and still almost takes me to my knees. That there is still a lump in my throat that makes it hard to swallow.

I thought about leaving but I have come to love everyone here. I want to help ease the pain of others to let them know how much we care. Yet at the same time I need help too and you have all been so wonderful to me.

I did not want to feel I had to hold back what I really thought. I thought instead of trying to run away and hide and not let anyone know how much it still hurts, that I would write this post that tells how I am really feeling. I wanted to say what is in my broken shattered heart.

I know without a doubt that I will see my babies again and that does give me comfort. But I miss them so very much and the pain is still great. Oh God if I could just hold them one more time on this earth. But that can never be and it breaks my heart for all of us.
Ann

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[dawnb93]

Ann, I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. You have been a pillar of strength for many of us here (probably ALL of us), but you are only human and you are suffering the same as the rest of us. I'm generally a very private person, not one to put my heart on my sleeve nor to talk about my feelings to anyone (including my fiance), but after Nikki's death, I had to talk to someone or I wouldn't have survived. I'm glad I found this site and found the words and courage to write my post. You were one of the first to reply and offer words of encouragement and support, and for that I thank you. I'm sorry that I have not seemed as supportive of everyone else - the words for that have completely escaped me. But I do read your posts and I do cry for you and pray for you all that we will all find peace and love and happiness again. I may not be full of wisdom and great advice right now, but I do know that our babies would not want us to be sad. It seemed to be Nikki's mission in life to make everyone around her laugh and smile and feel better. And she was good at it. I know Snookie wanted the same for you and she still does. Please take care of yourself and let yourself cry when you need to. Thank you again for your support and know that I am thinking of you.

Dawn