Why Is This So Hard?, my heart hurts so much Options

[Amber]

hello everyone and thank you for understanding my need to be away for a few days. just when i thought my depression was letting up it hit me right in the face again. i needed to come back and talk, i know it will make me feel better. i was doing so well. i could talk about kitty all i wanted and i would remember all the great moments that we had together and then i started having dreams. i had 2 dreams that kitty came back from the grave and one that i failed to feed her and she starved to death. as i mentioned before, when i buried kitty i felt as if she wasn't dead, although i witnessed the plunger being pushed on the syringe at the vet. i know that she was so sick and i took away her pain by making that difficult decision and i thought i was ok with it but now i am hurting so much. i miss her so much - i miss holding her and petting her and her sweet meow. i feel like i'm losing my mind. i can still feel her in my arms. now when i think about her, i think about her lifeless body on the examining table at the vet or i see her when she was sick and couldn't eat or even walk. i don't want to remember my sweet kitty that way - i want to remember her before she lost all of the weight - when she was fat and playing with the water in the bathroom sink. i love her so much - i want her back. ah

[Susie]

Hi Amber,
Welcome back. You have friends here and people who care. I understand your grief and reading your post, I cried. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your pain go away. And mine as well. I lost my kitty on Feb 1st and am a little further along the grieving process than you are perhaps. I have started to feel a bit better this week, so keep faith, that in time, your heart will begin healing also. Grieving is a process, there is no way around it, only through it. And its a process. What I have found from past experience, and now, is some days are good and some are hard. One moment I may be fine, and the next, sobbing out of control. Fortunately, the bad times are getting to be less frequent and severe. Try and remember that Kitty had a wonderful life with someone who loved her dearly. And you helped ease her pain at the end. How hard on you that was, how brave you were, and what a final gift you gave of love. In time, those memories of the final hours will be replaced with the happier times you had with her. I certainly hope to see my babies again, that gives me comfort. I miss them so much. I thought I would never get over losing my Raphael kitty in 2002, who lived to be 19, and I had to have put to sleep. But I did get over the grief, and can now think of our fun days. I also thought I would never find another cat like him, and I havent, but I found one I loved just as much, and I just lost him Feb 1st, and he was only 2, my dear Clay boy. Ive learned that its hard, whether you have them for a long time, or a short time. Its never easy. I am trying to think of Clay as being a gift, and on loan to me, and he gave me 1 1/2 yrs of total happiness and love. I will always wish for more, but the time we did have while not quantity, it was quality, and we had a very special bond and love. As to what is helping me? Well, I do make time for grieving, every day. But I am trying to be kind to myself and not dwell on feeling guilty or having regrets. I am trying to surround myself with friends that understand my loss, and with distractions. I also adopted a 9 yr old long haired calico and while she is no replacement for Clay, she is a new furbaby that needs me and I now dont dread going home like before. Hang in there. In time, it will get better. Its not easy now and it hurts so bad, I know. Write anytime. Sending peaceful thoughts your way. Susie (Clay's Mom)