On Getting Another Pet

Hi,
I lost my beloved Clay, a Maine coon cat mix, only 2 yrs old, killed by a predator in our backyard, on Feb 1st. We adopted him at 9 mos so we only had him a short time. I loved him with all my heart. He was unique in so many ways. I felt all the emotions, from guilt to sadness to deep grief. He was one quarter of my family, since it consisted of me,my husband, and our 2 cats. Feb 1st was one of the worst days of my life. Now, instead of wanting to hurry home from work, I didnt want to go home. It was too quiet and lonely there. There were too many memories. His toys were everywhere. Everything I did had a memory associating Clay with it. He was a real character, and "helped" me do everything from making dinner to watching tv with me in the evening.
I had heard that its not a good idea to get a new pet right away usually, but its an individual thing, and everyone is different. In years past, when I had lost pets, I had waited 1-3 months before seeking another one. I just felt so sad inside, and empty, and was sad seeing my Sophie cat look out the window, and just lie around the house in a depressed state. I felt guilty when I first checked out a shelter near my home online. I secretly prayed to Clay, asking for his understanding, that I was so sad, and I knew he wouldnt want me that way, and that he wasnt that quickly replaced or forgotten about, but maybe there was another kitty out there that needed a home and some love, just waiting to be found. I spent several days looking online, and each time I would feel less shaky and guilty about it. I wondered if it was too soon to visit the shelter, and if I could handle my emotions once I got there. I thought I would try. My husband joined me.
Well, I was kind of shaky when I got there, and it took alot of courage to walk in the cat room past all the cages. At one point I broke down in tears for a moment, just wishing I didnt have to do this, that if only I had my Clay back, that he was the perfect pal, and I was angry. But then a little kitty with fluffy calico fur, with some coon cat mix in her, caught my eye. She was 9 yrs old, and I thought about her age and how anyone adopting her would be going through the grieving process sooner, probably, than if they adopted a younger cat. But I also wondered how many people had walked by her cage thinking she was too old to adopt. I wondered how many times people went for the kittens and young cats instead of giving her a chance. I asked to have some one-on-one time with her in a quiet room and after that, there was no turning back. We brought her home yesterday, and at first she was very shy and timid. So far she and Sophie are just looking at each other from afar. I hope they will be company for each other, if not playmates, although she does seem pretty spry for her age. By bedtime she was coming out of her shell. During the night she roamed around, and even woke me up in the night, knocking something off a table. (Oh well!). And she got in bed with me for 5 minutes, and purred, and accepted my pats. She is a beautiful loving cat and I love her and I think she is helping me in the healing process. I am still grieving my loss of Clayton. No kitty will ever take his place, but having someone new to love and to take care of, and to love me back, is giving me a reason to go home at night once again. Clay, whereever you are, I miss you baby boy. I love you and wish you were back here in my arms. But I cant bring you back and I know you would want your Mom to be happy again. I'm a long way from happy, but Im going to be okay. You always are a part of me, and in my heart. No new kitty will change that, or can one replace you ever. Susie (Clay's Mom)

One Week Ago Today,i Lost My Clay

I am so full of emotions today. It marks the one wk point from the last time I saw my sweet boy, Clay (my 2 yr old kitty). And it marks the day he died, and the phone call that changed my life forever. I miss him so much. I couldnt sleep this morning, and got up early, recalling how I still had him just a week ago. He was there by my bed. And he rubbed up against me and was so happy that I got up. I petted him, got him some breakfast, and got ready for work. I didnt even notice that my husband had let him out before I left until I was heading out the door, and he said to watch for the cat. I never saw him again. I never touched that soft thick fur again. What I would give for one more hug, one more day, one more chance. And then that dreadful call came in at 1pm, that I must come home. I didnt know what had happened and that drive was so awful, cause I sensed it might be one of my babies. I shook and prayed all the way home. Only to get the dreadful news, that Clay was gone, and wasnt coming home. I kept hoping, I kept searching, I kept denying. The next day we found him. Indeed he had been killed that awful morning of Feb 1 by a predator.
What a huge loss. I feel sad for my loss and my husbands loss, but also feel sad for Clay's loss. He started out in a home where I dont know how he was treated, cause when I adopted him at 9 mos old, he hid under furniture, and was scared to death. He finally came around to be a boy who loved people, and loved to lie on his back in the living room with his white belly up, waiting for someone to rub his belly. What can you say about a cat who loved spaghettios and yogurt, going for walks with me down our road (like a dog would walk), who loved hiding behind a door and reaching his furry paw out to see what he could grab. He used to "help" me with scrapbooking and jigsaw puzzles, and how I would get annoyed at him flopping down in the middle, and how now I would love to see that big ole clown flop down in the middle of things, and mess up my stuff. Poor little Clay, he had such a rocky start to life, and then he found people whot just adored him, and a big yard full of grasshoppers to pounce on, and logs to walk on, and trees to climb. How he wouldve loved these last few days, with the sun and the milder temps. So many walks he wont get to take. He was only 2. He had so many more sunny afternoon naps ahead of him, and tickles under the neck. Why? Its just not fair! They say everything happens for a reason, but I cant think of any reason for this. He was young, happy, and healthy, and shouldve had 15 mores years on this earth. He made this earth a better place. He loved everyone and everyone loved him. He was in his prime, only to be snuffed out, for what? To lay still in a snowbank, gone? Just killed for the kill?
I have lost animals before, that have been old, and that have been sick, and its still a huge loss. This is the first time I have lost a little buddy that was in his prime, and it just has a different aspect to it. Its still a deep grief, just like all of you who have lost a pet after having them for years, or seeing them go after an illness. It still hurts like heck, no matter what.
Ok, Im at work trying not to lose my composure, so must close. I have only told my boss what is going on and she understands, but I reach to my closest friends and you folks here, for the compassion and understanding I need right now. Thank you all, for your words, and hearing me. I so appreciate it. I hope I can be there for you some time too.
Susie (Clay's Mom)

Thank You All From Clay's Mom

Hi all,
Last night I found this site, kind of out of desperation, as I was home alone and feeling so lonely without my boy Clay by my side. I am so glad I found this site. This morning I was so pleased and touched to find responses from kind caring folks, that hurt like I do, and understand and care. Thank you SO much for taking the time to write. Your hugs and understanding, your words, all mean so much. I do want to share more about Clay. I dont feel I did him justice in my first posting. And maybe it will be therapeutic for me too. I also want to respond to some things written.
Yes, it was extremely hard to find him dead in the woods. But it does offer some closure for us. We believe he was killed in the morning of Feb 1 and my husband didnt find him till 24 hrs after it happened. That first day, we found a bad sign but not him, and then kept hunting for him in deep snow and woods, until we gave up and went back to the house. Neither one of us slept much that night. We kept the light on, and the garage open. Every time we heard a sound, or even if we didnt, we would go to the sliding glass door where Clay always would come in through, where he would scratch the glass with his feet, to get our attention, to see if he might be there. Even though there was evidence to think he wasnt coming back, we still had a shadow of a doubt that just maybe he was wounded some place and was trying to make his way home to us. When he was found, we no longer needed to wonder if he was hurt and needed us. It was final, and we knew he wasnt coming back and to not watch at the door for him (although out of habit I still find myself looking out for him to appear.) And we also had him so we could bring him home and bury him in the garden where he loved to play. My husband found him while I wasnt home. I know it was hard on him too, cause he was very attatched and had become so in the last month. He has lost his job before xmas and had started school work in January and was home at the dining room table studying alot. Clay was a lot of company to him. I had just started a new full time job in January, and I know Clay was missing me and I was missing him. I know that Clay was loved very much and had a good life. He did get lots of attention, but I always feel like I couldve given him more. I guess we always want more... another day with our baby, another chance to be more attentive. I guess its part of the process. I should know this process by heart. I lost my beloved Raphael, an all black cat who was 19 yrs old in July '02 and Skiddy,a Balinese I think, ivory with gray points, to cancer at 11 yrs old in March 03. It took me awhile to get over these losses, and I thought when we got our 2 young ones in 2002 and 2003, that we wouldnt have to go through this heartache for a long time to come. Clay's death would in itself be extremely painful, but he was 1/4 of my family, and it makes the void even bigger. My parents are both deceased, I lost my only brother to cancer in '03, and my one sister lives 3000 miles away. I never had children. My children are my cats. My family consisted of me, my husband and Sophie and Clay. And with all the losses Ive had in the past yr or so, I always could count on Clay to be there for me, near me, doing some crazy antics to cause me to laugh out loud. He was such a delight.
Everywhere in this house, are memories of Clay. Yesterday I was cleaning the bathroom and found one of his furry toy mice in behind the basket of magazines. I remember how he would always come in and jump up on the sink and want me to plug up the sink and run some fresh water into the bowl so he could drink, even though he had a water dish in the kitchen. This morning when I awoke, out of habit, I looked by the bed where Clay would wait for me to get up and give him breakfast, and felt a wave of lonliness. This morning when I came to the room where the computer is, there is a file cabinet in a corner, and a couple wks ago Clay (nosy or clumsy, I dont know which) got down behind the cabinet and couldnt get out on his own, and we had to help him out. I look at the table where Ive been working on a jigsaw puzzle for wks, and how I used to get irritated by pieces being messed up or on the floor because of Clay. I looked at it this morning and it was perfectly how I left it, and all I could do was cry, because how I would love to have that little guy messing it up again.
The sun is shining today and its warmer, and it wouldve been the perfect day for me to take both cats for a walk down our quiet road. How they would race and run, and ambush each other, and make me laugh. How they loved it when I went walking with them. How Clay wouldve loved this day. He was just so full of life. It seems so pointless that his life was taken. This world was a better place with him in it. He brought so much joy to it.
It also makes me sad to see Sophie, my other cat. She is lost and doesnt understand. She doesnt know where Clay is, and I cry when I see her sitting, looking out the window. We are trying hard to give her extra attention right now but its not the same. They were such a good pair. In time, we will get her a new playmate but right now its just too soon.
I am trying to be thankful for what I do have, instead of what I dont have, but its difficult cause the one thing I want the most, I cant have. But I am thankful for the good friends I have, the yr and a half I had Clay in my life, and the people and support here in this forum. Again, I thank you.
Susie, Clay's Mom

Can Anyone Help Me?

I am brand new to this site today, and I see a lot of compassionate people, and folks that love their pets deeply, and will understand what I am going through. On Feb 1st, I lost my beloved Clay, a beautiful 2 yr old long haired, part Maine coon cat. I adopted him when he was 9 months old, on July 3rd 2003. He was so scared, he hid under the seat of my car all the way home. Then he hid in another spot when I got him inside. For a couple days, I really thought I had made a big mistake. But then he came around, and next thing you knew, he was pressing his face into my neck, and I just know he was saying, "Dont ya like me? Wont ya keep me?" Well, it wasnt long before I knew there was no going back. He wrapped himself firmly around my heart. He was just the most loveable cat. And unique. He loved to watch tv, and also lie on the floor on his back and sleep, and sometimes would snore. He loved it when I would sail some furry mice across the floor. He also loved to help me in the garden. One of his favorite things to do was to go for a walk with our other cat Sophie. We would go down our quiet dirt road and they would walk with us like a couple of dogs. Sophie is more of a loner but Clay had to be underfoot. He had to be in the middle of a jigsaw I was working on, or on papers I needed on the desk. He waited for me to get up each morning by my bed, and waited by the door for me to come home. Everywhere there are reminders of him. I never want to forget him but right now seeing his things and thinking of things is just too painful. It is extremely quiet in our house now, and Im having a hard time with it. I want him back so badly and know thats not possible. He liked to go outside, and had gone out Feb 1st, and didnt come when called, and then after an extensive search on our property, my husband found him, and think he was killed by a bobcat or a fisher. I feel guilt over letting him be an outdoor kitty because of living close to the woods. I think if I only had gone out with him. I feel guilty I didnt play with him as long as he wouldve liked me to, the night before. I feel sad that I had started a new job a month ago, and the last month, he didnt get as much attention from me. I feel so sad inside, and feel such a huge loss. I had hoped to have him for many more yrs to come. I am just a wreck. I know it will get easier in time, but he was my baby, and I miss that little fluffball. If anyone can help me at this very difficult time, I would appreciate hearing from them.