Sorry for such a sad post...

Hello,
I have lost my beloved cat Ollie on january 4th to kidney failure. I was away from him as on Christmas holidays overseas. Ollie was almost 19 years old and sick so I knew he could die anytime...but always thought I'd make it on time to get home to say goodbye to him.
He stopped eating on the 2nd, was rushed to the vet at lunchtime and died 9 pm of the 4th. The vet was nice enough to speak to me on the phone for hours and bring him home with her on his last night on earth. She even put him in her bedroom and slept next to him. This is the only thing that gave me relief. I was informed of his health deterioration on the 2nd at 2 pm. I had to make a choice to get home asap or to stay. The vet said if I wanted to be sure to see him one last time I had to be there within 30 minutes from the phonecall which obviously I couldnt do. The vet told me he was so sick he was in a confusional state and according to her it made no difference if he saw me or her or anyone else. He was just waiting to die.
I bought the plane ticket to be back on the 5th early am, hoping to see him. In the meantime the vet told me he seemed to get better so I was hopeful. Two hours before heading to the airport I called the vet and she told me he had just died 15 minutes ago. I had this horrible feeling just before calling her he would die and cried my eyes out thinking "ollie don't go please wait for me"...then realised how selfish I was and thought " Ollie if you have to go don't worry about me, please don't suffer, it's all that matters"... And he seemed to have heard me.
We were lucky enough that Ollie found exceptional people to care for him and bury him under an olive tree in a beautiful land and I could bring him there.

But what you have to know about Ollie and me is that half of my life Ollie was part of my life. Always in the apartment, greeting people, purring to everyone, giving me unconditional love even though I left him many times for work reasons. He learnt to accept it and seemed to know I would always come back. I lived alone with him and three other adorable cats. For a few years friends and family were there in the house to care for the cats when I was not there, then my family died. My friends who loved animals moved overseas. Vets always advised me to keep the cats in their usual environment so as not to destabilise them and to look for petsitters to come by daily. Which I did for 6 years. It was always so tough to find the right people to care for them properly and give them meds and leave them my house keys while I was away on humanitarian missions. But we managed. Had I had a different stable job I would have taken the cats with me. But I couldn't. I felt so lonely and so few people understood my love for these creatures...

To get back to Ollie...Ollie arrived at 1.5 month when I was 19. I can't describe how much this cat loved me as I can't describe how much I love him. It is beyond words. So many times I left him and told him "ollie I'll be back soon, be good and wait for me ok?" and he seemed to understand. This last time I told him the same...but felt my heart break. I thought to myself " how much longer can a 19 years old cat wait for me, didn't he wait long enough and way too many times?" . He seemed to understand what I was thinking. He gave me a long look in the eyes, he yawned and I swear if telepathy exists this cat seemed to be telling me:" I promise I will try, but I cannot assure you this time". I tried to be rational and thought...sooner or later everything ends, at least I was lucky to have him so long. And I left thinking it's only 10 days, I've been away months in a row and nothing happened why should it happen now?
It did happen. Ollie was found in a confusional state by the petsitter, in hypothermia and had stopped eating and drinking. 48 hours later he died and I wasn't even able to get there on time.

I cry and sob my eyes out since january 2nd, I couldn't eat for 5 days, I couldn't sleep. It is now over a month since he left and my appetite poor, my sleep is broken. I cry so much sometimes I feel I am choking. And funniest thing I always suffered from low blood pressure but my doctor measured it yesterday and tells me I have high blood pressure for my age and to be careful. My heart literally races and the pain unbearable.
It is so empty without him, I still see him walk in the apartment then realise he is no longer here. I only wanted to be there for my friend to say goodbye. I only wish he knew how much I love him. If I could go back in time I would never leave him alone, I should have found him a good home with people always present even though I would have been so sad and him too at the beginning. I don't want to blame the vets I know their advice made sense, if the owner is not there always at least keep them in their environment. But my heart always told me to be less selfish and find him and the others a good home. Then again, how to know they would have been happy if I am not there to check? Plus I searched so long a home for them but nobody seemed to want older cats. Only kittens. So I thought if it's so harsh out there might as well keep them in a safe place even if they're alone at times. Some petsitters literally asked for  incredible amounts of money to care for them. They knew I was vulnerable. And when I could I paid them. Othertimes I had no choice but to say no.I know it is impossible to control everything and I know in my heart I tried my best under very difficult circumstances for me and the cats. But I so so tried! To get them the right food/ meds/ petsitters...to spend time with them when I could have been in other places with close friends or working. I took so many months off work when Ollie got seriously sick...to be at home with him and take care of him. To make sure the heating was on when it was cold, to pet him in case he'd die the next day...looking for loving petsitters....

I hope he knew that. Did he know? I can't live with the fact that he died just in those 10 days I was away. I left him and he was eating, drinking and purring to come back and find a corpse.

Someone told me he was hanging to a very thin line and what kept him alive the last days was my presence. Since I left he chose to let himself die. I can't live with this thought, it is killing me, too much pain. He was so so precious to me, the biggest gift I received when my mom died. He brought me happiness for 19 years patiently waiting for me when I was not there and I couldn't even be by his deathbed when he most needed me...

Hi, heyday, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Ollie. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

Heyday, please let me try to offer you comfort in knowing that your beloved Ollie KNOWS you love him and did everything in your power to give him a healthy, happy, and safe earthly journey. He KNOWS the depth of love in your heart for him, as his heart is overflowing with eternal love for you. The love bond we share with our compainons is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. He KNOWS you never abandoned him. The overwhelming sadness is that his physical passing occured when you were unable to be physically with him - - but he felt your love for him reaching acorss the geographical boundaries - - which comforted him during his medical crisis and transition journey home to the angels.

Heyday, this grief journey is both physically and emotionally painful, and there are physical effects that happen with our bodies as a result of the stress of grieving. It is not surprising that your blood pressure is elevated. Knowing this it is important for you to try to reduce as much stress as possible so that there are no permanent medical side-effects for you to deal with.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss you are feeling in your heart. This grief journey can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone in your grief journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Unfortunately there is no date on the calendar you can circle that you can say this is the day this horrible grieving will go away. But I assure you, Heyday, that one day when you least expect it you will find yourself smiling when you think of your beloved Ollie and you will know that your beloved Ollie's sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and your memories - - he is forever a heartbeat close to you.

Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Ollie with us, heyday. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you Moon Beam for your comforting words. It really helps and helps to read you seem so certain that animals know we love them even through distance. I really hope Ollie felt my love for him in his dying moments even across the ocean...I guess if I felt he was dying at the time he did hopefully he felt my love and thoughts...I can only hope...I would love to read how you know for sure animals know. My heart 100% agrees but I am so lost that my rational side doesn't stop asking questions!

Thanks again for your support. Am glad to have found this forum...although grief is what we most have in common it is so nice to be surrounded by similar minded people who truly understand the amazing nature of our furry friends and honour them. My thoughts to all who have lost a close furry one.

Hello heyday. Please allow me to offer my deepest sympathies on the loss of your precious cat, Ollie. You don't need to apologize for this being a sad post as we understand what you are going through at this time. I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time coping. You had a very special bond with Ollie, and I think he knew that. It was so nice of your vet to take Ollie home overnight. I'm sure it provided a lot of comfort to him. Heyday, the words fail me as I'm trying to search for any comfort to give you in this time of grief. Please know that we are here for you any time you need us. Please let us know how you are doing. Do you have a photo of Ollie that you would like to post?

Dannys Mom thank you for your kind words! It makes me feel less lonely in my pain, it means a lot to me!

Not a day goes by that I don't think "why are cats so good at hiding pain or their feeling not well"! I know it serves a function in nature but it is so so hard for their human friends to understand what to do to help them...Ollie had severe kidney failure but he was such a fighter, he'd get bad two days then totally fine again...jumping, purring, eating...The guilt is too much of having left him alone knowing in hindsight what happened to him. I am battling with overwhelming guilt plus the incredible emptiness he left...

I so wish I could see him just a couple of minutes to apologise to him for leaving him in his dying moments and to tell him how much I always loved him and always will. All my life I tried not to fail this beautiful creature and this is the end result....people and especially vets say cats want to be left alone to die...I wonder if it's true...if he did I would have respected his space but at least he would have had the chance to have me near just in case... Instead I am wondering what he thought in his dying moments..."where is she? Did she abandon me?"...

You're so right Dannys Mom it was a blessing to have found a vet like that to take him home with her. She even put the tv on for him so he didn't feel alone while she was having dinner...this is the only thing that comforts me, that he found a caring human being and at the same time a vet.

But I am mad at myself for not racing to the airport earlier...the minute they told me he looked confused. Instead I waited to speak to the vet and when I booked the ticket it was too late. What's the point...is there a lesson to be learnt from all of this? Aside that we have such little control over our lives and destinies?

I'm just writing out "loud", to the whole forum but thanks again Dannysmom for your heartfelt words! So glad to have found this forum

Heyday06, I have been dealing with a lot of guilt myself and can surely understand your thoughts. The same thought that you mentioned, "why are cats so good at hiding pain or their feeling not well" has gone through my mind many a time. I too feel guilty for having missed subtle signs, and now I find myself being hyper-vigilant with my surviving cat. I too am feeling an incredible emptiness after Danny passed on.

Heyday06, do you think it might help writing a letter to Ollie or starting a journal about him and telling him how you feel? It has helped me to journal about Danny, and I have also stopped by his grave and talked to him and told him how I feel. After I poured out all my grief standing there at his grave site I just stood there quietly, and after a while a sense of peace came over me, and I pictured Danny in my mind just standing there and looking up at me, smiling. Heyday06, even though you could not be with Ollie in his dying moments he had the comfort of your caring vet. As moon_beam would say:"Ollie is made well again and in the company of the angels." Our furry little friends love us unconditionally. They understand. Ollie knows how much you love him, and how much you miss him. He is forever in your heart.
Please let us know how you are doing. We are with you in your grief journey, and you are not alone in this. Peace and blessings to you!