Unbearable Pain, If Only I Could Cross The Bridge 2 Minutes To Say Goo

Sorry for such a sad post...

Hello,
I have lost my beloved cat Ollie on january 4th to kidney failure. I was away from him as on Christmas holidays overseas. Ollie was almost 19 years old and sick so I knew he could die anytime...but always thought I'd make it on time to get home to say goodbye to him.
He stopped eating on the 2nd, was rushed to the vet at lunchtime and died 9 pm of the 4th. The vet was nice enough to speak to me on the phone for hours and bring him home with her on his last night on earth. She even put him in her bedroom and slept next to him. This is the only thing that gave me relief. I was informed of his health deterioration on the 2nd at 2 pm. I had to make a choice to get home asap or to stay. The vet said if I wanted to be sure to see him one last time I had to be there within 30 minutes from the phonecall which obviously I couldnt do. The vet told me he was so sick he was in a confusional state and according to her it made no difference if he saw me or her or anyone else. He was just waiting to die.
I bought the plane ticket to be back on the 5th early am, hoping to see him. In the meantime the vet told me he seemed to get better so I was hopeful. Two hours before heading to the airport I called the vet and she told me he had just died 15 minutes ago. I had this horrible feeling just before calling her he would die and cried my eyes out thinking "ollie don't go please wait for me"...then realised how selfish I was and thought " Ollie if you have to go don't worry about me, please don't suffer, it's all that matters"... And he seemed to have heard me.
We were lucky enough that Ollie found exceptional people to care for him and bury him under an olive tree in a beautiful land and I could bring him there.

But what you have to know about Ollie and me is that half of my life Ollie was part of my life. Always in the apartment, greeting people, purring to everyone, giving me unconditional love even though I left him many times for work reasons. He learnt to accept it and seemed to know I would always come back. I lived alone with him and three other adorable cats. For a few years friends and family were there in the house to care for the cats when I was not there, then my family died. My friends who loved animals moved overseas. Vets always advised me to keep the cats in their usual environment so as not to destabilise them and to look for petsitters to come by daily. Which I did for 6 years. It was always so tough to find the right people to care for them properly and give them meds and leave them my house keys while I was away on humanitarian missions. But we managed. Had I had a different stable job I would have taken the cats with me. But I couldn't. I felt so lonely and so few people understood my love for these creatures...

To get back to Ollie...Ollie arrived at 1.5 month when I was 19. I can't describe how much this cat loved me as I can't describe how much I love him. It is beyond words. So many times I left him and told him "ollie I'll be back soon, be good and wait for me ok?" and he seemed to understand. This last time I told him the same...but felt my heart break. I thought to myself " how much longer can a 19 years old cat wait for me, didn't he wait long enough and way too many times?" . He seemed to understand what I was thinking. He gave me a long look in the eyes, he yawned and I swear if telepathy exists this cat seemed to be telling me:" I promise I will try, but I cannot assure you this time". I tried to be rational and thought...sooner or later everything ends, at least I was lucky to have him so long. And I left thinking it's only 10 days, I've been away months in a row and nothing happened why should it happen now?
It did happen. Ollie was found in a confusional state by the petsitter, in hypothermia and had stopped eating and drinking. 48 hours later he died and I wasn't even able to get there on time.

I cry and sob my eyes out since january 2nd, I couldn't eat for 5 days, I couldn't sleep. It is now over a month since he left and my appetite poor, my sleep is broken. I cry so much sometimes I feel I am choking. And funniest thing I always suffered from low blood pressure but my doctor measured it yesterday and tells me I have high blood pressure for my age and to be careful. My heart literally races and the pain unbearable.
It is so empty without him, I still see him walk in the apartment then realise he is no longer here. I only wanted to be there for my friend to say goodbye. I only wish he knew how much I love him. If I could go back in time I would never leave him alone, I should have found him a good home with people always present even though I would have been so sad and him too at the beginning. I don't want to blame the vets I know their advice made sense, if the owner is not there always at least keep them in their environment. But my heart always told me to be less selfish and find him and the others a good home. Then again, how to know they would have been happy if I am not there to check? Plus I searched so long a home for them but nobody seemed to want older cats. Only kittens. So I thought if it's so harsh out there might as well keep them in a safe place even if they're alone at times. Some petsitters literally asked for  incredible amounts of money to care for them. They knew I was vulnerable. And when I could I paid them. Othertimes I had no choice but to say no.I know it is impossible to control everything and I know in my heart I tried my best under very difficult circumstances for me and the cats. But I so so tried! To get them the right food/ meds/ petsitters...to spend time with them when I could have been in other places with close friends or working. I took so many months off work when Ollie got seriously sick...to be at home with him and take care of him. To make sure the heating was on when it was cold, to pet him in case he'd die the next day...looking for loving petsitters....

I hope he knew that. Did he know? I can't live with the fact that he died just in those 10 days I was away. I left him and he was eating, drinking and purring to come back and find a corpse.

Someone told me he was hanging to a very thin line and what kept him alive the last days was my presence. Since I left he chose to let himself die. I can't live with this thought, it is killing me, too much pain. He was so so precious to me, the biggest gift I received when my mom died. He brought me happiness for 19 years patiently waiting for me when I was not there and I couldn't even be by his deathbed when he most needed me...