Hello everyone,
I am new here,we lost our yorkie Myah on Tuesday.March 1st. She was 10 years young! I want to apologize for this lengthy post.

Here is a timeline of events~
She was diagnosed with cushings disease 2 weeks ago, one of the tests was an ultrasound to determine if the cuhings disease was in the adrenal glands or pituitary glands, during the ultrasound they discovered a mass on her liver. So we put the cushings disease treatment (which wasn't life threatening) on hold so we could tackle the tumor.
The surgeons thought it was in one of her lobes so the plan was to open her up for exploratory surgery, take a biopsy, and if they could get the lobe out without any complications they would proceed. During the procedure, (while Myah was still under the anesthetic) the Dr. called and gave us the worse news possible. He stated that the main tumor was the size of a golf ball, and was "friable" ( meaning thin and easily torn) as they tried to manipulate the tumor, which was embedded far up in the lobe, it tore, they decided then that it was not removeable.They discovered another tumor on the other side of her liver and did remove that one. His main concern at this point was~ "Do we wake her up, or do we let her go peacefully."

***added on March 4th~ I did go in to get Myah's blanket and the locks of hair they had saved for us, Dr. came out to check on how I wa doing, he told me that after Myah passed, he did go back in and removed the larger tumor ( which he showed me) It was huge, and very ugly looking.

Just a bit of backpedling here~ Myah was a larger yorkie, almost 18 lbs. From the start she loved being in our pool. She would jump off of the diving board, she had her own raft ( she was our "pool girl") Everyone that came over knew it wa her pool, her rules!

The Dr. stated on the phone that his concern was this~ If we wake her up, send her home ( for a painful recovery) and given what they had discovered about the tumor (it could easily tear and she could bleed to death) she was living on borrowed time, as he thought she might have 6 weeks-2months.

Our dilema was~ Can't we just have her for one more pool season. Then the Dr. stated "she won't make it to pool season." With that we decided what we wanted was more time for US, we weren't thinking about Myah's time and her possible suffering, as she wasn't going to get better, she wasn't fixable at this point.
This was by far, one of the hardest decisions we have ever had to make, let her go peacefully and somewhat healthy, (at least for the time being.) Her outward appearance showed no signs of the disease that was ravaging her liver.

I have been so positive, hoping for the best, yet in the back of my mind bracing for the worst. I am a true believer that sometimes God says Yes, and sometimes he says No. He had a reason for wanting our Myah right now.

W said at the time we decided to let her go that,

1) We owed it to her to let her go peacefully
2) We would not second guess ourselves.
3) She wasn't going to be the same Myah we had known for 10 years.
Well, here we are totally throwing out all of that, hurting so badly, I found this forum, read through the stories of beloved pets, and knew I had to share my feelings.

The house feels so cold and empty without her, we are having her cremated so we will have an urn with her cremains soon. Everywhere we turn, everything we do always revolved around Myah and her sister Molly who is 9, she is missing her teribly.

I appreciate the opportunity to share, and I welcome anyones commets and suggestions for dealing with our loss.
Thank you all so much,
Doe

Doe2658,

I'm so sorry for your loss... Myah sounds like she was absolutely full of life and an incredible companion. To lose her like you did, with pretty much no warning, has to be incredibly painful.

You gave her 10 happy, love filled, active years... everyone should be that lucky. While it may not now seem like it, what you did for her was the best. You knew that she wouldn't have had the same quality of live she enjoyed before she got sick... you can't explain to a fur-baby like you can explain to a human why they can't do something. All she would know is she couldn't do what she loved and wouldn't understand why.

You've come to the right place to grieve and get support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a beloved fur-baby... we're a family here, bound by our love of our pets and the pain of their passings, whether the passing be from age, illness or accident.

Welcome to the family, and when you feel you can we'd all love to see some pictures of Myah.

-Clay

Thank you Clay!
I am trying to get some pictures ready to upload. I had to downsize a few.
"
I forgot to mention that the Dr. told us, with Myah's tumor being so big and "friable" that she could tear it by simply juming or running. If that had happened she could have bled to death, or she could have thrown a clot. One of us are usually home, but I felt if something happened and she died alone we could never forgive ourselves. It doesn't make the empty hours any better. It has only been 48 hrs since we let her go, but wanting that last hug or her soft kisses makes it even worse.

I'm sorry to hear about losing your baby. I just lost mine 11 days ago and the pain is still fresh. Those first couple of days are just awful, I know. Please know you are not alone and believe it or not, you will feel better in the future. I don't think all of the pain will ever go away, at least that is at the point where I am. But life does become bearable again.

When I found this wonderful forum, I too read a lot the stories of people experiencing the same grief. I don't know what I would have done without it. When I have my periodic cries about my Finn and find mysef talking to him, I'll let him know about Myah. Perhaps they can get together and play and cause all sorts of fun mischief together on the rainbow bridge as they wait to see us again.

Connie

Thank you Connie,
It is very comforting coming here and sharing with others that have been through the pain, grief, and agony over the loss of their furbabies. I look forward to sharing more pictures and stories of Myah, and also of being able to give comforting words to others as well.
Here is a picture of Myah, doing what she loved the best~ On her raft, playing frisbee, in HER big pool!

Hi, Doe, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Myah. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - -so that they can once again be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Doe, this grief journey is one of many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds. It is one of the most painful experiences we will know on this side of eternity - - painful both emotionally and physically. This grief journey is frequently referred to as a horrible roller coaster ride, particularly during the deep grief. One of the many important things for you to remember is that you are not alone in your journey, Doe. You are among friends here who do understand how you are feeling, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your precious Myah with us, Doe. I love the pool picture. Sometimes pictures can be very painful to look at during the deep grief, but we certainly do appreciate your sharing your precious Myah with us. We look forward to sharing your memories and additional picture(s) of your earthly journey with Myah, and hopefully in doing so you will come to know that your precious Myah is forever with you, for the love bond you share with her is eternal - - it is not limited to the physical laws of time and space.

Doe, I know right now there are no adequate words in any language that can take away the deep sorrow you are feeling. However, I hope and pray you will find encouragement and support in both our individual and collective friendship to help comfort you.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Doe, and please do let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

moon_beam,

Thank you for such a warm, caring post. I feel so much comfort sharing my feelings. I do shed tears as I write, or add pictures, but the support here is beyond description. I look forward to sharing more stories of my beautiful Myah.

My sincere appreciation,
Doe

Hi, Doe, while other liquids seem to short circuit our "high technology" contraptions, our keyboards seem to be immune to tears - - I know this personally for my keyboard has become very soggy at times as I have written both my own words of sorrow and tried to find the words to offer comfort to others in their sorrowful losses.

Our tears are "healing tears" for they truly cleanse our bodies of the toxins that build up as a result of the stress of our grief. So, please know you are not alone in your tears, Doe - - and may you feel us reaching out to you across the cyber miles offering you a gentle hand, a friendly embrace to comfort you at all times.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

moon_beam,

I am finding it hardest when I get dinner ready for Molly (Myah's sister) as I only make one dish. Poor Molly doesn't know where her best friend is, when I came home and parked in the garage Molly went out and stood by my jeep waiting for Myah to get out.

If you, or anyone else have any advice on helping Molly through this I would certainly appreciate it. She is eating ok, but seems so withdrawn.

Myah was certainly our "guard dog" and now when anyone comes in, the house is so quiet. I know when we open the pool and Myah isn't around it will be so terribly hard. I have taken the girls to the groomer once a month for 10 years, I know later this month when I take Molly by herself without our Mia-Myah it will again be emotional. I know I will be here to share my thoughts, and take comfort in the kind words offered here.

my deepest appreciation,
Doe

Here is a one of my favorite pictures of Myah on "her" raft with my grandson ~

Hi Doe,

I am so sorry for the devastating loss of your beautiful, Myah. I absolutely love the picture of her with your grandson -- it really warmed my heart. I know how looking at pictures of our babies is bittersweet -- in one way, it makes us smile, and in another it breaks our hearts. This journey of grief is one of the most difficult journeys we can embark on in this lifetime. We just have to try and open our hearts to the fact that we never really lose them -- a part of them will always be with us, forever etched in our hearts and memories; until the time comes for us to be reunited with them.

Take care of yourself,
Cheryl x

Cheryl,

Thank you for your kind words. Today is day 3 without Myah, it hit me hard when I woke up today. I keep expecting Myah to give me her morning kisses. I am grateful that I found this forum. I can come on here, and just feel comforted by reading about others who have taken this journey that I am taking. I am grateful to be able to share my feelings and know everyone here understands.

Doe

Doe,

I can't believe you had to let her go without seeing her awake once again. I know it was the best thing for her and I am amazed at your sacrifice. I am sorry I do not have much in the way of encouragement, I had to let my companion go 2 days ago and I can hardly function myself. The vet wanted me to give authorization to euthanize over the phone, right after she told me Pele couldn't go on. I just couldn't do it... I had to see her, it was completely unexpected and I was not prepared to let her go. They had to sedate her and put her on Valium until I could make it in to say goodbye. I can only hope that she didn't suffer too much for my sake. So, I know how hard your choice was and want you to know that not everyone has the ability to make such a huge sacrifice.

I am right here with you in the earliest of stages. Life just doesn't make sense. My pattern of existence is jumbled and incoherent. I can tell you that I don't know what I would do without my husband. Probably wouldn't eat or move. If I have any advice I guess it would be to focus on the sources of affection around you. This forum is good, and helpful, but having two arms around you is unmatchable.

~ Jana

Hi, Doe, thank you so much for the wonderful picture of your grandson with Myah, and for sharing with us how you're doing. Every day right now is a "first" - - the first year of a loss is considered to be one of many "adjustments" by clinical professionals, for every day is the first "without" - - the first birthday "without Myah", the first "holiday without", the first grooming "without", the first vacation "without". Our beloved companions are the center of our universe - - each of them in their individual ways - - and when we no longer have their precious physical presence with us - - it is very, very, very devastating and a traumatic adjustment.

Your precious Molly is grieving the loss of Myah. The only thing you can do is to spend extra quality time with her and reassure her with your love. As long as she is eating and drinking water normally and continues to take care of her personal needs properly, these are all good indicators that she is physically okay. It's just going to take time for her to "adjust" to her "new normal" without Myah's physical presence with her as well. I truly wish there was an easier way through this grief journey for the both of you, but unfortunately it's a one day at a time process that cannot be "fast forwarded" through.

And so once again I just want to reassure you that you are among friends here, and each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know that with us there is no need for a "public face" to disguise how you're feeling and how things are going.

Doe, please know you and your precious Molly are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Jana,

Having just lost your beloved Pele two days ago, I am touched by your thoughtful message. I read your account of what happened to Pele with tears falling and my heart aching for you.

I can tell you when the Dr. called and explained everything to me, as Myah was still in surgery, I completely lost it. I was shaking so much I could barely dial the number for my husband at work. We rushed to the hospital for our final goodbye. Myah was in a private room, wrapped in a towel ( the Dr. didn't want us to see the huge incision) she was still under the anesthetic and sleeping peacefully. He told us she wasn't in any pain, and they would give us time alone with her. He came in about 10 minutes later and increased the anesthetic drug to slow her heart. We gave her hugs and kisses, whispered to her how much we loved her, and to go find my husbands Aunt Betty (who had always spoiled Myah) and that we would see her again. The Dr. then came in to administer the final syringe of medicine to stop her heart and we just couldn't stay to watch. It hurt so much to leave her there, I pray we did the right thing.

((Hugs))
Doe

moon_beam,

I appreciate your words of wisdom, more than you know. I have been trying hard to be brave, but the feelings stab like a knife. One minute I am ok, the next I am on my knees crying. I still can't imagine our life without Myah. This forum, and all of you, have become a very important part of my daily life. Even through "cyber-space" I can feel the support, as if I am wrapped in a warm blanket.

I will continue to check in, share my feelings, and accept the support that any of you have to give.

Doe

Hi, Doe, there is no doubt that you and your husband did the very best for your Myah - - at great sacrifice to you both. I do know how hard it is to reconcile the "decision" when all we really want is to have our precious companions back with us - - healthy and happy. Unfortunately their physical bodies are like ours - - they are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity, and also unfortuately, their physical years are shorter than ours. When they precede us to the angels, they do take a part of us with them to cherish until it is our appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. This is one of the many reasons why we feel like a part of us missing, particularly during the deep grief. Hopefully in time as the deep grief eases you will come to know that your precious Myah is forever with you in your heart and memories - - she is always a heartbeat close to you. Nothing, not even the dimming of our minds through age - - can ever diminish the eternal love bond you have with your precious Myah. I promise you this, Doe.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Doe. I hope this weekend will be a peaceful one for you and your husband, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you, Doe. Hugs to you too...

I went through my box of pictures today, bringing out the pictures of Pele. It hurt at first to look at them but now I need them. They are comforting. I found some of Pele with my first cat, Zarzi (who disappeared about 10 years ago). I never really processed Zarzi's death because I never had closure. He used to leave on adventures for a few weeks and then when I got fed up with worry I would walk around the neighborhood shaking a bag of cat food and calling his name. I always found him. The last time I went out again and again and the weeks kept going by with no sign of him. And then, we had to move. I had someone in the neighborhood tell me a black cat was hit a few miles from my place but of course I never was able to find out if it had been him. I have always had this guilty conscience about having abandoned him. I still have dreams about him showing up, mad at me.

So, I have mixed feelings looking at these pictures, but I do feel happy, remembering how close Pele and Zarzi were. Seeing pictures of them snuggled up together makes me smile. I took a picture of Pele in to work and put it up. I'm not sure if it's healthy to be clinging to pictures and reminding myself all the time that Pele is gone, but it gets me by I suppose. I am absurdly busy, and squeezing time out of my schedule to deal with this loss has been hard and stressful. I took my first dance class since Pele died today. Somehow the world knew what I needed, we had a sub in and he did a lot of improvisation work with us. Expressing what I feel through movement also helps me. I just have to be careful that I don't release too much and start bawling in front of everyone.

I'm just mentioning these things in case they might help you in some way. And of course it helps me to share as well. I hope you are alright, taking one day at a time and allowing yourself to grieve. That is a challenge in itself, for me. I tend to bury it all inside because it hurts too much. And then I feel this stupid pressure to get over it quick so I don't mess up my grades, miss too much work and not make enough money, miss too many dance classes and fall behind, etc etc.

Anyway, take care...

~ Jana

moon_beam,

Thank you for your continued support, yesterday was awful. I thought about Myah all day long, everything seemed to bring me back to her. It sure didn't help that is was rainy, gloomy, and then turned to snow. She was the personality of our household! It seems quiet and empty, even the cats and our other yorkie Molly are missing Myah. I want to hear her bark, feel her kisses. I know it will take time, but it hurts so much.
My husband and I were thinking about things that were maybe signs we didn't pick up on soon enough, and then, I guess trying to justify the reasons for not waking her up. She was slowing down with the cushings, and arthritis, maybe we missed something? I don't know, the feelings are all so raw.

with much appreciation,
Doe

Jana,

I think it is helping to share my feelings,we have been going through pictures of Myah over the last couple of days. We weren't sure if it was to soon? We did cry, but we also laughed at her antics. She was a pool dog from day one. If someone was in the pool, she had to be there, she would go for hours! I can't imagine this first pool season in 10 years without her. I know we have many "firsts" to go through.

We found pictures of our cat Mercedes ( seal point Himalayan) she died of feline lukemia 14 years ago. That broughtus to tear, even after all this time. I appreciate you taking time to share you thoughts, I think it can only help us both!

Hoping you are having a peaceful day,
Doe

Hi, Doe, it is natural to "look back" to try to determine if we somehow "missed something" - - this is all part of the grief journey - - trying to process the "guilt" that, although a natural part of the grief journey, is a difficult part of it to reconcile. We are not omnipotent - - we are mere humans. Hopefully one day as the deep grief eases you will know that you truly did the very best for your precious Myah at all times and in all circumstances, and can find peace in your hearts as your precious Myah wants for you.

It is hard adjusting our lives without the physical presence of our beloved companions - - both physically and emotionally. This doesn't happen overnight, or within a week or a month or six months - - it's a process that takes time, and is very painful in the process. Some folks find it comforting to hold onto a blanket or a towel or a collar - - something - - that belongs only to our precious companion. It helped me through each of my losses, and I still have things of my beloved companions who have joined the angels with me so that I can see them and feel their sweet Living Spirit with me. So, it's okay to do whatever helps to comfort you in this adjustment journey.

Doe, I hope today has been a peaceful one for you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look foreward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam