In Shock

I am new here, I don't really know what I'm doing or if typing a message on the internet is really going to make me feel any better, but here I am.

My cat of 13 years began having seizures out of the blue 3 days ago. Little ones. I didn't even know they were seizures, she was just having accidents - urinating on the floor and she had never, ever done that. I thought she had a bladder infection. I dropped her off at the vet 2 days ago and picked her up later, the vet telling me that she thought it could be seizures and giving me Diazepam just in case. Her exam showed her to be healthy. Her blood work was all perfect, no toxins, no abnormalities.

That night I stayed up all night long, while my cat progressively had seizure after seizure, escalating to grand mal after grand mal. They only lasted 2 minutes each but they were the worst things I have ever seen. My cat, who had been healthy and happy for 13 years, throwing her body in the air and spasming so hard it looked like she would break her own back.

I know nothing about seizures, only that the vet told me to give the Diazepam if it went over 3 minutes. I did what I could, covered her with a towel and tried to keep her body from slamming itself into the floor, talking quietly and trying not to lose my mind. I took copious notes on every seizure, the times they occurred, behaviors, etc. There were brief moments where my normal Pele came out, meowed at me in a recognizable way but she was so exhausted and her seizures were coming every 10 minutes or so.

I took her back in yesterday morning as soon as the clinic opened. I assumed she would be put on medication and she would be fine. That my notes were detailed enough to tell the vet all she needed to know to help Pele. But she called me 2 hours later and told me I had to put her down immediately. I was just grabbing my keys to drive to school to take a midterm exam.

I had to call my professor and beg him to let me take it later, with what has been over used as a bogus excuse for lazy students for years. I don't blame him for sitting there and not saying anything while I tried not to fall apart, having learned minutes before that my cat was going to die. But it wasn't easy when he demanded that I bring in a bill that said "Euthanasia" on it.

I told the vet I wanted to see her before she was put down, so the vet had to sedate her and put her on an IV with Valium. She was awake when the vet brought her in to the room for me to see her. She lasted 30 seconds before she started seizing again. The vet had to sedate her and immediately put her down afterward.

It happened so fast, the vet couldn't even explain how a cat with no history of seizures could, in 48 hours, suddenly have little ones every few hours escalate to grand mal every 10 minutes. She kept saying that her behavior probably changed and we didn't notice it, but it didn't. Nothing she suggested, wandering around aimlessly, hiding in strange places, acting restless... none of that had happened. It makes it harder to accept because I just don't understand it.

Pele was with me my entire adult life. I got her a month after moving into my very first place, when I was 17. She has defined my sense of 'home'. She has been by my side more than any other being, pet or human, in my entire life. Every activity of my day had her involvement, and everything I do now feels empty and lonely. She slept in my arms, she kept watch while I took a shower, she greeted me when I came home (I'd have to pick her up so she could hug me like a monkey before she would stop meowing.), she reminded me to take breaks from studying and snuggled me when I was sad. I don't have children. She was my kid and my friend. Having her in my life was like having a constant hug and now that she's gone I feel completely detached.

My grandmother died 7 weeks ago and although I loved her very much and I was very sad, it was not like this. Pele was like an unattached organ. I'm just not sure how to function without her.