Oh, so suddenly, Poppers, my 15-year-old Black Labrador, just lost control of her legs (and her mind, to some degree too.). She crashed all over the kitchen a couple of days ago, and I had to carry her back to the car after an attempt at a little outdoor time yesterday. Since then, she's just been resting, and I'm just...waiting. Waiting is awful, but she seems to be pretty comfortable, has even eaten something today and drunk a lot of water, but I can tell in my bones that she is dying.

Ladywolf and Poppers have been my only "blood" family for their entire lifetimes. (I was "orphaned" myself in my thirties, and now I'm 59. I have NO other family, except for extended family of friends.) So my girls and I have really been a unit, and man, have we been through it. After losing a lot of money, I have had to live in the woods in my car for extended periods of time so that my dog and wolf would have a happy, safe place to spend their time. We've lived in Death Valley in the summer, they survived for eight days when I fell sick about four years ago and lay on the bathroom floor with no food or water for EIGHT DAYS before I was found. (No, no heroic "Lassie-style" rescue on the part of my girls--they just waited patiently for me to wake up!)

And now Poppers is on her way out, and Ladywolf is 15 too and won't be TOO long behind her, and I am bereft. These will probably be my last dogs, as I have plans to leave the country when they have lived out their lifespans.

I just needed to tell a little of the story and seek a little comfort. I am hoping that Pops, AKA "Peabody," goes gently and swiftly and withOUT veterinary intervention, which I despise. If she was in great pain, that would be another matter, but I really do think that she is pretty comfortable. Ladywolf is a bit freaked, but she'll survive. So will I--but darnnit, why does everyone have to keep leaving me in December, just in time for the "holidays?" (I haven't celebrated Christmas in many years--there have been way too many deaths in December for me to feel at all "festive.")

I'm a psychotherapist, among other things, and I know a LOT about death and grieving, but this is my own beloved Poppers, and I'm just not ready!

Thanks in advance for your support!

Ladywolf (aka Margi)

P.S. I forgot to mention the most important thing. I have struggled with suicidal depression my whole life, and these two "girls" have often been the only reason that I have decided not to end my life. I'm finally doing somewhat better on medication, but a large part of my motivation for sticking around will leave when the girls leave me. That's why I plan to somehow leave the country then--I can't bear the thought of trying to survive in this culture without Ladywolf (80-90% Alaskan Grey Timberwolf) and Poppers. I'll need to go far, far away...

Yes, I get professional counseling. I'm not alone in believing that our pets are the only thing holding us here...

Oh Margi(Ladywolf)

I am thinking of you, Poppy and Ladywolf and sending my prayers and love. Poppy knows you are looking after her with so much love and devotion. I hope she isn't suffering too much, and as you say you will continue to do whats best for her if she is.
Ladywolf will be a comfort to her too, and also to you.
Please keep us updated. I'm sure there will be many people on here sending love and prayers to you all. Please don't feel alone, we are all here for you in whatever way we can help.

Hugs from Jan and my Angels xx

Gees, you've done it tough all your life haven't you Margi? I can't imagine not having a family for support, I really feel for you and your precious babies, it is so sad that Poppy is not well. Poppy and Ladywolf, (great name) are lucky to have you, all animals in this world need people like you. so you have to stick around. At first, when my Ulriich was killed, I couldn't stand being home and even wanted to sell up and move away because of the unbearable pain that home reminded me of. It defies description just how badly I felt. I had to go on medication because I couldn't sleep or eat, it hit me so hard, I really didn't think I would survive it. The main part of my recovery started right here on this forum, all of us here are totally devoted to animals and understand like nobody else does exactly how each other feels. Pyschotherapists are human too and you naturally feel different when it comes to your own loved ones. Let yourself be human first and a pychotherapist second Margi. Anyway, you now have an even larger extended family, Poppy, Ladywolf and us. Hugs to you, take care.

madi xx

Ladywolf...I am so sorry about Poppers...how is she doing?

I had my 13yr old black lab and soulmate, Brutus euthanized 3 weeks and 1 day ago...it was the hardest decision of my life. I totally understand your wish to let Poppers go on her own, I too thought that's the way Brutus would go..however, it didn't work out that way. I do question the timing of my decision at times, but looking back, it was the best decision for Brutus. It is only a decision that you yourself can make coupled with the relationship of Poppers and your vet. Only you know what is best.

My heart goes out to you and Godspeed to Poppers that her passing is peaceful.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

I am so sorry you have to be going through all this. I too pray Poppers will have relief. I have been reading everyones posts and have not written until now. I too have suffered with depression and anxiety most of my adult life and it is my pets who gave me a reason to get up in the morning. I too prayed my Shelby kitty would just go peacefully after spending 14 1/2 years together and her suffering with vomiting and eventual kidney failure. I had to make that painful decision on Nov 20th. It was gut wrenching and I was weeping that deep guttaral, primal, sobbing that comes deep within your soul after a loss so great. Just a year and a half ago I had to say goodbye to my Baby kitty and he was my true soul buddy. He thought he was a puppy. Now my ##atiel of 16 years has been sick with liver disease for almost 3 months and I live 2 and 1/2 hours away from the vet. I know he is dying and am praying it is swift and painless in his sleep. He is the sweetest guy. He was not really caged. He was out most of the day and interactive on my shoulder or playing happily. I feel like I am on deathwatch and scared of what will happen. My other kitty is also 15 years old so that is in the back of my head. I knew with them all approaching elder status it would probably be boom, boom, boom after the other. It never gets easier and one cannot replace the other, though right now it does help I have the love and affection of my kitty Pookie to get through this. I keep wondering just as I did with Shelby, if this will "be the Day" with my ##atiel. It is agonizing and I keep praying. This week the vet will be calling to tell me to pick up Shelby's remains and once again all those feelings will be rising up along with wondering what to do with my bird when he goes. I live in an apt. so I don't know what to do with his remains when he goes.........My heart goes out to you and everyone on here who has been graced with the love of our pet soulmates, the loss can and is sometimes harder than any human loss. I understand that. And I am so thankful to have found this group on that Nov day. Thank you all for your honest, open sharing of all the feelings of grief and shared joy of your animal companions. You are all in my thoughts and prayers and I am thankful that you all exist for the animals God has entrusted us with. Peace

petsaresoulmates (love your screen name by the way)...I am so sorry for all you are going through with your elder soulmates..it is so hard. Just wanted to let you know my thoughts and prayers are with you...and you are right...it is worse than losing a family member...at least it has been for me. Very few people understand that..and this forum is always a safe haven to come to for us who are grieving...we all know how hard it is to breathe without your soulmate animal.

The one thing I said on another thread is...I know we are all sad at times, but just look at how we have all been blessed...there are people who never know the devotion, loyalty, pure love that we have all experienced...God knows, he is watching...and we are all special in his eyes...I really do think that...not everyone can connect like we all can with our soulmate fur/feather children...we are definately special and blessed.

Hugs to you and Ladywolf,
Brutus' Mom

With lots of tears in my eyes, I thank all of you so much. I'm away from Poppers right now, on an editorial job, but she is with my closest dearest most loving friend, who has helped me through more trying times than anyone ever has, and is terrific with animals and their needs. Reportedly, Pops is resting comfortably, but can no longer get up to pee. I am in a comfortable motel room 1.5 hours from home, not sure what to do. The project I'm on is with a deeply-feeling, extraordinary old man who knows what pain is, and I'm free to leave at any time...but...there is a part of me (this is the deep dark secret) that would prefer that Janice have to deal with the crisis instead of me, and I hate that part. The strain of it when I am there is killing me, but the strain of being away from it is killing me too. Obviously, I can't just pull up the covers and go to sleep and pretend that my beloved Poppers is not in trouble...

I am so glad to have found this forum. Often, the pain of people losing animals is far more than I can bear, but right now I need all the support I can get (and give.) Yes, I AM the kind of person that animals have needed, and I am proud of it. I rescue strays--and STEAL abused animals!-- and find homes for them all the time. It is a huge part of my life.

Right now I'm worried that I won't even have the money to have Poppers euthanized properly if that's what it comes to. GADS, but money is a bummer!!!!!! (I no longer practice psychotherapy--if I did, I would have money!) But I'll figure it out somehow if I have to. (I'm, obviously, of little means these days. But big squishy heart...)

Thanks again--you are really helping me!

Big Hugs--Margi

P.S. "petsaresoulmates"--thank you for posting for the first time in response to my post. You honor me and Poppers (and Ladywolf), and I am so sorry that you have so many pets reaching "oldster" status at the same time!

Margi

My thanks to you all and yes how blessed we are to know the unconditional love that most never get to experience. Big Hugs to all of you. My thoughts are with you all. I only wish the whole world could have so much love in their hearts.

Dear ladywolf,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through with your dear Poppers... I know that feeling of helplessness and losing a dear friend and family member...

I'm wondering: Have you tried contacting a Humane Society or other animal rescue organization, shelter, to see if they can help? There are spay/neuter clinics many Humane Societies offer; perhaps they may also be able to assist you in your situation.

May you find comfort knowing that God is with you, Poppers, and cares about you both and all of His creation.

Sincerely,
hope2heal

Margi. Bless you and Poppers and Ladywolf. GodSpeed and Peace. You have many people sending you loving thoughts and prayers. I am in awe of the work you do for the animals. I have tried to be an advocate for animas too. I care for every living being so much that I am also a conscious eater. I do not consume meat because of factory farming and try to watch what I purchase does not harm animals in any way, after all we do know they have souls and feel pain just like us. Thank you for the work you do rescuing animals especially the ones in dangerous, abusive, neglectful situations. You are a true angel. Like I said before what a beautiful world it would be if all people were like all of you on this site. Peace All.

This will be very short--I just wrote a long, heartfelt entry, and then lost it when I tried to post it. Poppers died this morning, on her own withOUT vet intervention. Her pain did not become acute until last night, and then it became horrible, so it was a great relief when she passed.

DARNNIT I'm sorry I lost what I just wrote, because I don't have the energy to write it all over again. Ladywolf (who has a groin tumor and a swollen leg) and I are doing pretty well, all things considered, because I am carrying no guilt. Guilt is the killer. I took Pop-pops to a vet on Friday, and she couldn't find anything obviously wrong with her, so I guess she died of cancer or kidney failure or another of those invisible things. I'm glad I didn't spend another $150 on blood tests, only to have her die the next day anyway. I cried a lot before she died, so I haven't cried much yet today--I must kind of be in denial right now.

This is not at all the eloquent heartfelt post that I just wrote and lost--it's only the facts, more or less. I will miss that gentle, loving, non-aggressive, patient, loyal, anything to please little girl for a long long time. Now it's just me and the Wolf: impatient, demanding, wants to have everything HER way, doesn't care much about pleasing--but OH, what an experience she is on every other level!!!!

I'm making a copy of this note before I try to post it, lest I lose it! Much love to all of you, and thanks for your support!

Hugs--Margi

I am so very sorry, Margi. Your heart must be broken and all hasn't sunken in just yet.

Please accept my deepest condolenses at the loss of your precious Poppers.



I see you're not able to sleep and that's most understandable. Hugs!!!

Please know that you and your Angel Fur kid are in my thoughts and prayers as I wing many loving Angels to soothe and gently guide you through this most difficult time in your life.

Many Comforting Hugs to you and your Cherished Angel Fur Child!!!

I Wish You Peace!!!



Always,
Dottie xoxoxox

Oh Margi

Thinking of you and darling Poppers and Ladywolf. Poppers was where she would want to be, with you and Wolf. No more pain and suffering for her now, bless her.
Theres not too much that I can say as I know you will be suffering and nothing can take away your pain, but please know that we are all here for you. So many caring people who sadly know too well the pain that you are feeling.
Give Ladywolf a big hug, she sounds quite a character. You will both be a great support to each other.

Love and hugs
Jan xx

I am so sorry Margi...Poppers is running with Brutus now, free of all pain...they will always be in our hearts though and watching. They will meet us when it's time, with sloppy black lab kisses.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom

Margi, I am So sorry for your loss. My thoughts are also with Ladywolf and her health issues on top of it. There are no words, I can only echo what others have said and say that it is good you were with her rather than her being at the vets overnight scared, alone and suffering without her Mom and Ladywolf near. I'm sure you are in denial. The tears will come and go, let them and just go with the stages of grief and don't wonder why you aren't feeling certain emotions at a certain timeline. Grief is crazy. I happended to check here tonight to see how Poppers was doing and also because I needed to read others comforting stories as I picked up my Shelby's ashes today. It helped to remember that just as Poppers is out of pain so is my Shelby and they are healthy and whole on the other side. I have to believe that. I am trying to remember the saying I read after my Baby kitty died as it brought me comfort...."I am not a Body, I am Free, For I am STILL as God Created Me"......Peace and Love to you

Thanks so much, folks, for your heartfelt words. They really help. I still haven't cried much, and I think it's partly because I cried so much BEFORE Poppers died that I'd already cried me a river. Also, she timed it all really well--she was sick long enough for me to get used to the idea, kinda, of losing her, but not for so long as to turn it all into a totally agonizing process. She was incontinent and vomiting the last few days, and then that awful pain the night before she died...so her death really WAS a relief, though God knows I miss her. But I think she did it all rather "well," if any death can be said to be "well..."

Now, Ladywolf is another matter. I still HAVE her (and she me), in spite of her tumor and swollen leg. She is still lively and alert and running around and raising hell and all that. Ladywolf and I are mated for life but, sadly, her life will be shorter than mine, I guess, which will leave me a widow. I'm trying not to think about it too much, but it's hard not to, having just lost Poppers whom I also thought would go on forever...

But for now Ladywolf (90% Alaskan Grey Timberwolf!) is still with me and provides great comfort and comic relief!

Yes, they are all in a better place now, I guess--which makes me long to go there myself--animal heaven must be grand!


Margi and LWolf

A week ago, Poppers left us, and I have been feeling strangely UNemotional about it. Really strangely. Maybe it's because I know that she lived a very long and happy life (15 years, for a Labrador), and her sickness and weakness at the end were very painful, and the incontinence was a mess. And she died a relatively peaceful death at home--the way we would all want our animals to go...

This time of year I do tend to try to block feelings, though. My dad (my last remaining relative) died on Dec. 17, my best friend on Dec. 18, now Poppers on Dec. 13--I hate Christmas and I tend to go numb, so maybe that's what's going on. (My mom committed suicide right before Thanksgiving. Happy Holidays...)

Or maybe I just feel complete with Poppers. In her whole life, she never got hurt or got sick, never needed vet attention, not once, except for shots. That's pretty remarkable, given that we were all homeless together at various points along the way.

Ladywolf, however, has had major issues. A hideous cancerous tumor was removed a year ago, and just as it was healing, another tumor appeared. I just can't bear to take her in for diagnosis until AFTER Christmas--a day I often spend in bed anyway. January is soon enough, I guess...

Just needed to vent a little and be heard by someone tonight.

Margi and Ladywolf

Dearest Margi,

Firstly, please know that I'm speaking with you as a fellow member and not as person in the medical field. Okay? Here goes. I can't be certain, however from all you've described, it sounds like your mind is employing a wonderful defense mechanism. This is not denial that all this has happened and is still happening. Instead, it's your mind's way of coping with your terrible grief, loss and devastation until that point in time when you're able to actually face and deal with it. Whenever I refer to your mind, I'm talking about your consciousness, unconscious (or subconsious), ego, superego and id. Not the brain, but the mind. Our minds are an amazing thing and many times employ these and other techniques in order protect us both physically and emotionally until we're ready. This way, we're still able to function in our daily lives. Ladywolf, this is something you already know. You also realize how it's practically impossible to be objective about ourselves. How does that old saying go? "A doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient." Don't we know that, and the hard way. Oy.

Anyway, not all people's minds have this capability of which I speak and some people's minds have this capability regarding certain events but not other events. There are also cases where it's all in the timing as to everything else that is going on in our lives. This includes memories of those events which have occurred in our distant and recent past as well. Notice that I use the word "time" a whole lot? That's not a coincidence since time is key. Space and time are both of great significance when it comes to each and every event in our lives be it joyful, sad, terrifying, horrifying, anger inducing, humorous and so on. We all react differently and timing plays a big part.

My heart truly goes out to you and I wish I could reach through this PC screen and give you a big hug. Eventually, it will all sink in and you may either feel at peace while heaving a deep sigh of relief, or you may very well begin to feel a great void, grief and devastation. When will it sink in? I don't have the answer to that since it's different for each of us when our minds kick in to protect us by use of these coping mechanisms. Please know that we're all here for you. Please come back and talk about the numbness, other feelings or lack of feelings. Remember to keep taking baby steps and be kind to you. You are a wonderful person and a wonderful Fur Kid Mommy! Please never forget that.

Many Comforting Hugs to you, Angel Fur Kid Poppers and Loving Ladywolf!

I Wish You Peace!



Always,
Dottie xoxoxox