On Monday the 6th, I got a call from the vet around 2, that our precious 12 year old yellow lab, Murphy was not doing well. She had been having a raspy cough for 4 days, but 2 days non stop. They initially suspected laryngeal paralysis, and I was told, that an operation was in order. I was fine with that.

I decided to drive over to see her, because she had spent the only night of her life in the hospital on Sunday. When I got there, I was greeted by the vet who told me she was very concerned about Murphy about viewing multiple test results. She now had pneumonia, and one of her lungs was almost completely filled with fluid. I asked if I could see her ?

10 minutes later she was brought to me, and my heart melted when I saw her, with her wagging tail, and ever present smile. She was so happy to see her Daddy, but she was still having the cough. Because of her difficulty breathing, she hadn't been to sleep in almost 2 days. I gave her some water, and some canned food, but she couldn't really eat. I talked with the vet for 30 minutes, and I could see what was coming. She was trying to be nice, but I wanted none of it. She said we would be headed down an emotional roller coaster if we tried the surgery, and her other concern was the 2-3 month recovery time.

I started to think was this fair to do to the sweetest creature I've ever had the privilege of being associated with ? I called my wife, and had her bring our 3 kids to the hospital (ages 8,5 and 18 months). Needless to say, it was a heart breaking when my wife and kids saw Murphy struggling to breathe. Our 8 year old, sweet as she can be, was extremely sad asking "Dad, is Murphy going to die ?" To Murphy's credit, she maintained her love, kissed all the kids, and tried best she could to maintain. I had 3 hours alone with Murphy in the room, prior my family coming, and I told Murphy I loved her at least 100 times. My heart was absolutely broken seeing her trying to breathe. It was an extremely helpless feeling because I'm supposed to be able to help her.

My wife and I went out of the room, talked with the vet sobbingly, and decided we didn't want her cut up, poked, and prodded for the next 3 months with the hopes that she might get better. Further, the vet said that her heart couldn't take the heavy breathing, and that she couldn't take it for much longer.

We went back in and told the kids to say goodbye to Murphy. One of the hardest things I've ever done. All 3 kids gave Murphy a squeeze hug, and kissed her on her half pink nose. I then got down on the floor and squeezed that 85 lb hunk of love as hard as I could, looked into her eyes and told her that I would love her forever, and as our oldest baby, she had made our family better with the love and protection she provided. She looked back at me with her big green eyes, and managed 2 licks on my cheek. I then collected the kids, all crying, and loaded them into the car. My wife stayed behind and held Murphy while she was taken into the back. I didn't have it in me, and had to go.

For the past 2 days, it's been like someone has picked up our house, turned it over, and shaken it. Nothing is the same, and the pain and loss we all feel is unbearable. I feel guilty, upset, angry, and most of all miss our baby. Every other hour, I still get up to let Murphy out, or feed her, or something I used to do. I can't bear walking by her dog bed, it reduces me to a blubbering fool. Yesterday, my 8 year old daughter and I drove by some creeks and lakes Murphy used to like to swim in, and the 2 of us cried all the way. We've been looking at pictures, telling stories, and holding each other. Shared misery, just like this forum, brings people closer together without question.

I've been wrestling with this, and know it will take time. I have often heard of grief referred to as like waves at the beach. Initially, they are big and close together, and over time, the get smaller and further apart, but they never go away. Murphy will never go away, and will always be in our hearts, but we miss her terribly right now.

When we got home from the vet, the kids and I sat down at the kitchen table and thought we shoudl say a prayer for Murphy. I wrote it, but it came from my kids, and it was so touching, I will post it here.

Dear God, Murphy Crowe 1997 - April 6, 2009

Murphy will soon be coming to see you. We are very sad and we will miss her very much. When she gets to Heaven, please make sure that you love her like we did. She's not real smart, but she is very loveable. She likes to cuddle, kids, steal food, swim in the creek, bark, dioggie treats, tennis balls, chasing squirrels, her ears scratched, and giving kisses.

We were very lucky that you loaned her to us fior 12 years, and we are very grateful for the time and love we had with her. When you see her, please give her a really big kiss and squeeze hug for us. We will never forget her.

Love,

The Crowe Family

Without question, our hearts are broken, but I felt it necessary to recount our love for Murphy. Life is about touching and impacting others, and our baby did that to us and then some. She didn't have a mean bone in her body, and we were blessed to have known her.

God bless,

Doug Crowe
Fairfax Station, VA

Sorry for your loss. I know and understand your pain too. My family and I just said goodbye to our 8 year old golden retriever Hunny. She had been diagnosed with a tumour on her foot last July. It was supposedly a non-spreading cancer so we opted to have it removed, which meant she lost two toes on her front left paw. I spent two months bandaging her foot. This was a really stressful time in our lives, as we had just lost our other dog, Lily, June 24th very unexpectedly. We were devastated by her leaving us, but didn't have much time to mourn because we had to help Hunny through her battle. Unfortunately, the vet wasn't able to remove all the cancer cells so we knew it would come back. But of course we hoped that we would have a few more years.

We were out walking with her right after Christmas and noticed she was limping. I checked her foot when we got home and there it was again! I was totally devastated. I cried for days. We knew if it came back that it would be the end for her. The only option would have been a full leg amputation. She was not a candidate for that, because she was overweight, had arthritis and her age was against her. I did not want to start cutting more and more off of her either. The tumour grew quickly. March 6th we took her for a second opinion just hoping for some glimmer of hope. We knew there would be none though. I had always dreaded having to put her to sleep because she had a sore foot. Just a sore foot!! But this time it had spread to her lymph nodes. We put her on pain meds. I don't know if she was in pain, but she reacted well to them, so she must have been. The last month has been so stressful and so, so sad. Because we knew the end was getting very near. She still tried to play with our other dogs. She still loved to go for a walk. She still had her appetite. But the last two weeks you could see in her eyes the sadness and the pain, I think. She just looked so sad, it broke my heart. Then the lumps started popping up over her leg, neck and chest. We knew it was time. I hoped so much that she would slip away in her sleep. I cried so many tears for her since Christmas. So many. We decided to wait till spring break was over so that our daughter could spend more time with her. The day we decided to make the call to the vet, I cried non-stop all day long. We gave our baby her angel wings Saturday, April 4, 2009. I don't know if we made the right decision. I don't know if we should have waited a little longer. I don't know. I feel guilt over this. And this was by far the most painful decision I have ever had to make. I think she knew the time was here. I took her for a walk that morning and even though she enjoyed it, she just looked so weary and tired.

There were no goodbyes, we said see you later. I held her in the vet's office and told her over and over that we loved her. Told her that Lily was waiting for her. Told her that there would be no more pain or sickness. That she would be whole and healthy again.

I miss her so much. My heart just aches for her. My chest is very tight. It feels like she's just outside. I guess I know in my heart it was the right thing to do. I could not have seen her suffer. I've watched a dog suffer and I just could not have done that for my Hunny. We've had since Christmas to start saying our goodbyes. I have no regrets with her, just that I wish we could have taken away this awful disease and kept her here longer. But she's with her sister Lily and they're running through heavens meadows and fields having such a great time. Or at least, that's what I choose to believe. I want to believe that we'll all be together again.

And you're right this site does help. Even if just to vent. Just writing down emotions. It helps me to cope with my losses. I miss my babies so very much, it hurts.

I cried so much for Lily too, but finally I decided that I had to let her go. If she was trapped between worlds then I could not bear that. I needed her to be happy. I still cry for her all the time. But letting her go to heaven helped me.

They say time heals the pain. I feel guilty when I don't think of them with tears in my eyes. I love and miss them with all of my heart and soul.

I just hope that they are happy and fit again.

Maybe they were there to greet your precious baby too.

Hang in there. Don't be afraid to let it out.

Take care.

Lynette Boitson
Fisher Branch, Manitoba Canada.

dear doug
every morning when i come into work, i check my email and am reduced to tears, reading the stories posted. my heart broke for you and your family at the loss of murphy. as i sit here crying, and trying to figure out what to say to you, i realize there really is nothing to say that can actually take the pain away. maybe only reassure you that you did the right thing and that murphy was such a lucky girl. i too just recently lost a pet and completely understand the hurt you and yours are going thru. im so sorry! time will heal the wound but your memories of murphy will live with you forever.
i was so touched by the prayer and i am sure that it has been read and heard and that murphy is getting tons of hugs and kisses in her new home.
god bless you. you and your family will be in my prayers.
patricia

Dear Crowe Family,

My thoughts and sincere condolences are with you as you mourn the loss of your very dear companion, Murphy. I know how heavy your hearts are and what a treasured member of the family she was. How wonderful that you shared so many fun and happy years together. She was an earth angel who brought your family the joys of simple pleasures, laughter, and unconditional love so effortlessly. It is so hard to accept the harsh reality of her loss when every bone in your body aches to keep her right here in the physical world forever, as it should be - in a perfect world. I have recently lost my precious golden, AbbeyMae, and I am still reeling from it. The emptiness is unbearable. It hurts so much because we loved them so much.

May warm memories of Murphy comfort you during this sad time.

Your each and every word expressed conveys just how much Murphy enriched your lives. The impact she made on you and your family will always be remembered as she leaves her pawprint right in the center of your hearts.

Though Murphy's body has persihed, her kind and loving spirit shall remain with you. The bond you and your family have with Murphy can never be broken in this world nor the next..... for your love keeps you bound together forever. Though you've had to say "goodbye" for now, trust that one day you will say "hello" once again.

As you continue your journey of healing, please know that you are not alone. Each of us here has had a precious furry member of our family who has passed away. We walk with each other, hand in hand, and never have to walk alone.

Much love and comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

Dear Doug and Family,
Please permit me to offer each of you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Murphy. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Thank you so much for sharing with us about your precious Murphy. Please believe me when I say I know what you are going through, and how devastated you are feeling. My precious 14 year old Black Lab, Oslo, was diagnosed with Larygeal Paralysis in 2007 - - a year exactly after my number one kitty son Eli was diagnosed with end stage Lymphoma. Oslo's LP was diagnosed in conjuction with a low thyroid, and the Soloxine has provided him a decent quality of life. However, there are other neurological deficiencies occurring and I know we are now in our twilight time together - - however long or short that is. You did the very best by Murphy in not electing or pursuing the surgery. I am so glad I did not subject Oslo to the surgery - - it is very brutal and extremely invasive - - and it is not a cure. Murphy is now healed and restored in our Father Creator's loving arms, and is patiently waiting to be rejoined with her loving family in heaven's perfect garden at each of your appropriate times. But knowing this right now does not help very much to soothe the broken hearts of a grieving family. This grief journey is both physical and emotional, so it is important that each of you do whatever is comforting for you when the grief is truly unbearable. When I finally had to send my Eli home to the angels I slept with his collar under my pillow and would hold onto his ashes or one of his blankets when the gut-wrenching grief was too much to bear. Crying is very healthy - - it literally helps to wash the body clean of the chemical toxins that build up in the body as a result of the stress of the grieving. So it is very healthy to cry. I remember the first several weeks after my Eli's physical death - - thank goodness for the restroom at work so that I could retreat to in the effort to regain my composure so that I could continue with my job. And then there were the gut-wrenching sobs driving to and from work. It was a good thing I had a job to go to so that my other fur tribe members did not have to listen to mommy crying all the time. Yes, in time, the deep grief does pass. Perhaps in time you will want to do a memorial for Murphy - - like a scrapbook, or a garden, or a donation to your local humane society in honor of Murhphy's life with you. When my Eli died I made a memorial booklet with his pictures and poetry and made enough copies to give to the vets and vet techs who worked so compassionately with my Eli in his final weeks of life to give him as good a quality and comfortable life as possible. Doug, please know you and your family are not alone in this grief journey. We are here for each of you for as long and as often as you need us. Please know each of you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Wow,

This is amazing to have people who have, or are going through same. I made it into the office today, but only for 1/2 day. I keep crying over simple things. My kids are home for spring break, and Friday is a holiday. I'm gonna take my kids camping tomorrow to try and get our minds off of Murphy. We went to the store this evening, and my 8 year old said 2-3 times "Hey Dad ......... never mind". I said "what" and Ellie said "I was just thinking that Murphy would like this too."

The sadness doesn't seem to go away, and the littlest things remind me of Murphy, and instantly reduce me to a marshmellow. We miss our precious baby something awful. This is going to be painful for some time, but it is soooo nice to know that there are caring people out there. Only positive note is today, I almost managed to laugh a little. I was describing for a co-worker how painful it was to lose our baby and he replied

"I have an idea for how you feel. A dog's unconditional love is something that is lost on humans. If you ever want to test it, try locking out your significant other with your dog, so they have to sleep outside on the deck. When you come down in the morning to open the door, guess who will not only still love you, but also be happy to see you."

Our hearts are still aching terribly, but thank you for the support, it is greatly appreciated.

Doug

Beautiful way to express the unconditional love of animals. Thanks for sharing that Doug and my sincere sympathy to you and your family.

Hi Doug,

I'm not sure the sadness ever goes completely away. Though the deep anguish and pain does subside, you are bound to run into situations from time to time that will trigger a memory you have of sweet Murphy. At times you may smile as you remember while other times the tears will flow. Working through grief is no easy task. All the "firsts" are yet to come for you.

I thought I'd been through all the "firsts" since my Goliath passed away so suddenly about 16 months ago. For the most part now I can think of him and talk about him without breaking down. Goliath left me with his gift of love in memories and those can never leave me.

Earlier this week I encountered another "first." Now one might think I'd already been through all of them. My profession in healthcare requires certification in BLS. No big deal right? Well it didn't occur to me that I get recertified every two years and had not had to renew since Goliath passed away. When the baby manequins were brought out and everybody began to practice CPR and rescue breathing, I froze in my seat........panic set in right away. The last time I used CPR and rescue breathing was on my Goliath the night he passed away in my arms. I broke down in uncontrolable tears and had to leave the room. Somehow I composed myself and was able to go back and finish.

There is a book called ANGEL DOGS by Allen & Linda Anderson I read not long after Goliath passed away. A dear friend gave it to me as a gift. Reading this book helped bring peace to my heart as I was amazed by the wonderful stories in it's content. I'd highly recommend the book for you too. Your 8 year old may enjoy reading these stories right along with you.

You and your family have a treasure chest full of happy memories each of you made with Murphy. These are her last gift for you. Peek in on what's there when you are able and you'll find that the deep anguish and pain will slowly but surely subside. The joy Murphy brought to you and your family over the years is much greater than the grief left when she passed from this world to another. Her loving spirit will continue to touch and bless you each and every day.

Peace, love, and hugs to you and your family,
Beth

just yesterday i was looking at very (very, very) old photographs of our family, and i found an old photo of myself at coloring and drawing (i became a graphic designer but beside me, curled up in a little tiny ball was tiger, my very first kitten and as i remembered our times together: him getting stung by a bee, getting entangled in my moms yarn, eating my crayons that i so treasured, coming home to easter lunch only to find him licking himself after partaking in the meal himself, smack in the middle of the kitchen counter (we had pizza), but i found myself crying. its been over thirty something years and i miss him as i miss all my wonderful pets that ive had that have sinced passed. its true, we love them because they offer unconditional love and there is nothing quite like that. you have just lost a family member and i wish we could tell you that your pain will subside quickly but it doesnt. BUT time DOES heal. i know that because amidst my own grief, when i thought i would never be happy again, when i thought the pain would never subside, it did. the layers of grief and extreme hurt will fall off and all that will remain is the wonderful, happy memories. that will be the point where you will smile again and you will laugh at remembering the treasured moments with murphy. just know that murphy is looking out for you and your entire family. in fact she's no longer uncomfortable, she can breath now and she's surrounded by new and wonderful furry friends. i want to think that murphy is looking out for my little fred
i will continue to pray that the pain will lessen and the wonderful memories of murphy will take over.
god bless.
patricia

I have to say again, thank you to all of you kind souls out there in cyber space. I never wanted to join this club, but am glad I found it. 7 days later, and at least I can talk again. The littlest things bring it back very quickly. I have to share an unusual little thing.

I continue to be sad when I see Murphy's beds, dog fur on the rugs, her dog bowl, bag of dog food, and as I type, thousands of times, Murphy would be under my desk snoring loudly. My unusual one was tonight when I opened a new loaf of bread. For the past 12 years, when I opened a loaf of bread, automatically, and without hesiation, I would throw the heel of the loaf on the floor, and Murphy would eat it. Guess what, same happened tonight. My wife said "what are you doing ?" I had to stop for a second and think about it that I can't throw bread on the floor because our baby isn't there to eat it anymore. Sounds weird, but it touched my heart.

A colleague asked me today when we would get another dog ? I can't even think about that right now, it still hurts too much. I've been told that there are 2 options in life, go through it alone, and you never have the risk of losing anyone, and you will never know the intense pain of loss. Other option is having close relationships, knowing that some day, it may end. Both options suck, but I think I prefer the latter. Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all, or something like that ............

I'm not sure when, but I guess we'll know when the time is right. My five year old keeps asking "Daddy, when is Murphy coming home from the hospital ?" Stuff like that is bitter sweet. A big hug from the Crowe's to all of you nice people, and may you find peace and comfort in your journey's.

Doug

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went"

Will Rogers

Hi Doug, I Am So Sorry For Your Loss. It Is So Hard Losing A Very Special Friend. I Just Lost My Shadow On April 8. I Know Life Will Never Be The Same W/O Our Babies. Shadow Will Always Be With Me In My Heart & Im Sure Murphy Is In Yours, So We Will Have Our Babies 4-Ever. You Are In My Thoughts & Prayers.

Dear Doug ,I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Murphy !I have lost 3 in 16 months It will take time to heal and grieve properly and the little things that we would have done are the hardest to forget ! I know the feeling well after vlossing my Teddy Bear last week we still look for him to give him his fluids every 40 mins because he was in kidney failure .It is hard to accept and move forward but it will happen slowly there will be a time where you can remember all the good times you had with out it feeling so empty.
Warmest regards Warren ,Teddy,Mummy and Freddies loving dad missing them till we meet again

It rained so hard here in northern, Va last night, I had thoughts of building an ark ........... We are a month since losing our beloved Murphy. We miss her so much, words could never explain it. For us the mornings and evenings are the hardest. The feedings, walking, and sleeping at the base of my wife and my bed.

10 days ago, we held a service for Murphy, and along with the kids, buried her ashes in our backyard. Every morning when I wake up, I say "Hey Murph, love you, and miss you baby." It's a little silly, but it makes me feel better. Last night around 2am when it was thundering and lightning, my wife and I both woke up and started talking. We both felt like we had left our baby out, and she was outside in the deluge. I didn't sleep very well rest of the night, and keepin waking up feeling like I had to let Murphy inside because we had mistakenly locked her out. I know all of you are going to understand where I'm coming from, just needed to vent.

I will say that the silence and routine is killing me. I got the kids together last night and brought up the idea of a new dog, as painful as it was for me. My 8 year old cried and said "But Dad, what about Murphy ? I don't want another dog, I want Murphy back." It was sort of like tearing a scab off an old wound. After 20 minutes we are thinking we will consider it this summer. We were thinking Christmas, but all of hate the silence. Murphy, if you're listening, we will never forget you, and you will always be in our hearts.

Doug

it is not silly. i still talk to my little fred all the time. we would have conversations everytime i came home from work. he would peek around the hallway to make sure it was me and not someone else and then as i was preparing his dinner and his insulin shot, he would come out to "chat". i would ask him why he didnt wash the dishes…again. and he would meow back. id tell him about my day at the office and he would sit there and meow right back as if he was commiserating with me. youre absolutely right, the silence just kills. and the routine? wow even now there are days when i think that i have to rush home and make sure i give him his shot and then i remember. i know these are painful times for you and your family. i know what finally helped me and might help your family as well, i made a little memorial. his bowl sits with pix of him surrounding it as well as his insulin and one of his needles. they all sit in a bookcase that i have to walk by every day. seeing his picture makes me smile because it brings up a happy memory. i purposely "filed away" the memory of his last days. so now i just remember the good days, his purring, his little smile, his chatter.
im glad to hear that you are starting to think of a new dog. i dont know if i mentioned this to you before but a week after my fred died, i was approached by a friend about a little dog that needed a good home. all i could think of was no no no. but if i didnt take it it would be returned to the shelter. so i gave it a shot and i can tell you that the first day was just awful. i cried buckets. i wanted my fred back. i didnt want this dog (and she could feel my rejection as well). i couldnt bond with her. i didnt want anything to do with her. i mean really! it was just too soon and why had i made such a hasty decision? and how could i replace fred so quickly? just like you i had also been contemplating never having a pet again as the pain of losing them was so great. but also like you, i decided i would rather hurt again because the joy that our babies bring us is far greater. well, to make a long story short, my friends talked me into keeping her and i remember so clearly the minute i decided i would make this work. lucy was watching me from the other side of the room and our eyes met as i was crying on the phone to one of my friends. i was asking them to come take her away. but she looked at me with her sad little eyes, begging me not to give her away again. that was the minute i knew that lucy had found her forever home. had i been given a choice (i was guilted into taking her i wouldn't have gotten another cat/dog for many more months but i guess the universe decided that it was going to send me a little one to dry up my tears and make me laugh again. dont get me wrong. every day i threaten her with packing up her toys and walking her to the nearest bus station and buying her a one way ticket to fresno. (kidding of course). it hasnt been easy. i still cry over fred every every day. but my little lucy has brought me such happiness (even when she chewed up the door trim sigh!) and that was the best medicine. i know the idea of a new dog is rough but know that you and yours are a family with huge hearts and one day when youre ready, a new little one will come into your lives and bring back the laughter.
youre in my thoughts!
patricia

Hi Doug, I just re-read you post about you Murphy and cried. I am so so sorry for your loss of you baby. As you know, I have my own Murphy. This really hits home.

Keep your faith and know that Murphy is waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge. She was so lucky to have you as a family.

take care buddy,

Jim

Doug, I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your precious Murphy. My heart broke for you and your family as I read your posts. It's obvious just how much your family loved Murphy. She was a very lucky girl to have such a loving home. Please be comforted knowing, that you gave Murphy such a wonderful life. How nice that you held a memorial service to honor her life. You are so fortunate to have many happy memories to help you through the difficult times.

Your family will know when it feels right to open your hearts to another dog. Murphy would want all of you to be happy again. And I believe she'll send a special pup your way some day. You will never forget Murphy, and she will be in your hearts forever. I look at our animals as a gift that we are given. They can only stay with us for awhile, and then they have to leave. Each one teaches us something about life, each one is unique and special. Treasure each gift you are given and your life will be enriched.

Dear Doug, I am so sorry to read of your loss. Our sweet little pom was having cardiac/pulmonary problems. His last night was so awful....coughing, gagging...he had been panting to maintain his oxygen level for quite some time before I made the decision to put him down. Oh the guilt and grief I feel is overwhhelming. He was actually my daughters dog she bought when she was 9 with her own money. That was 10 1/2 years ago. It's amazing how every aspect of your family life includes your house pet. They truly do become a member of the family. Again...so sorry for you and your family. I know. Things are just not the same.
Best Wishes Sincerely.
BK59

I have to say a big thanks to all of you compassionate and sincere folks on this site, pouring your hearts out on a daily basis. I say again, as Murphy did, life is about touching and impacting others, and all of you are doing that. I told my wife about this site, and she has been reading the posts for the last 45 minutes. She came up stairs crying and said "I can't believe there are this many good people in the world who understand how sad we are." All of you have , and will continue to touch and impact the grieving people here, and please know that the Crowe's and God appreciate you.

Doug