No way is she alone. She has all the other pets at the Rainbow Bridge and she still has you. Just because her body is not there doesn't mean she isn't there. She is always with you.
I am glad you have found this site too. If any of us can help even the least little bit it gives us all some comfort cause most of us have been exactly where you are now.

Who knows maybe you will receive a sign from her when you least expect it.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!

o
Thank you. I hope so. Your kind words help me tremendously. It's hard to regain one sense of being, now that part of our family is gone. I hope it gets better with time. Bun-Bun was a loving member of our life's. I see others say the problems they had with loosing there loved ones and I suppose I will gain enough composer to move on but a hole is in all of our hearts with out our beloved Bun-Bun. she never hurt a soul, she was so sweet. I love her with the same love I have for any member of the family. A piece of me me died that day, I cant and will not ever forget the look in her trusting eyes. I love her. I miss her. Thank you for your help. I hope peace finds you as well. Bless you

I know that special love/bond you are talking of. When Sissycat passed on June 5, 2008 I cried and cried. My step-dad passed on June 25, 2008. I hardly shed a tear. I loved them both greatly, but I had something special with Sissycat. So yes we do feel that they are family members. We will always have that special place in our hearts for them. They are missed so very much!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So sorry for your lost, I know what it's like. I wish you peace with yourself.
I just cant put this horrible feeling behind me. I cant get her sweet little face out of my mind. She trusted me so, and I let her down. there are many paths to heaven some essayer then others but why did I make this choice. I am having a real hard time dealing with my decision. I feel like I didn't make the right choice. I failed her when she put her whole life in to my hands. I keep calling her name, I keep looking for her in the spots she used to stay, I am having a real hard time with this. I'm no kid, I cant seem to put this down, I keep reliving that day over and over. There must be something wrong with me. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant function as a adult. This is crazy. I cant live with this regret. I don't know any more. This is horrible.. What I did was a betrayal of trust at the worse time. I Just cant get pass this. I see my Bun-Bun's face in everything I do. I'm so sorry. I cant see anyway to get by this. I love her so, I am so sorry Bun-Bun...Im so sorry...Please forgive me..

You can't get over it in just a few days. It will take some time. I hurts so bad! I have done all the things you speak of. If you were to go back and read all my old posts. I asked the same questions. I thought I was crazy, but no we are not!!
Everything you feel is part of this awful healing process. I blamed myself for her death. (it was an accident with a car) We can't let it eat away at us forever. At some point it will ease a little.
Coming here to talk with others was my help. Hope you continue to come here.
When you feel like it we would love for you to share some happy or funny stories about Bun Bun. Maybe about some of her habbits. I know it helped me to talk about mine. Even though I bawled my eyes out while writing I had some relief to know someone out there took the time to read my stories and actually cared.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know your right, I know it will get better. I just cant bear to even say her name with out crying. I never cried like this in my life. I cant bear to see her pictures anymore, they burn thru me like a hot knife. I have to stop this. i am trying real hard to do something else but think of her. I have to put this aside. Our other cat is running all over the house looking for her, screaming her head off. My wife is the same as me, we look different. We lost a family member. Our house is empty, I have to get over this. I'm sorry for what I did, I thought it was the right thing to do. Back in 86 I took a real beating in the stock market, this has effected me more and worse. I cant stop think of her and seeing her sweet face. with her trusting eyes. I am sorry Bun-Bun..Poor Bun-Bun what the hell did I do..I really must sound like a nut. This is so different for me. I was never so attached to anyone like this. I was her guardian, I still feel I let her down.. tomorrow I am going to call the vet and maybe he can help us cope with this. I just don't know.. This is crazy. I cant understand why I am feeling like this..Im sorry Bun-Bun. thank you so much for listening to the ravings of a nut. This is all new to me.. I cant vent anywhere else.. Thank you so much..

George,

you are NOT nuts. Losing a loved special friend is absolutely overwhelming devastating.

I am glad to hear you will talk to your vet. I was willing to make an appt without an animal and pay the office visit for the time if the vet I called did not have time to talk to me...but she did and it helped me a lot.

Spend some time now writing down your questions like: If I hadn't made the decision at that time, what would have happened to my girl? Was she suffering when I brought her in because of what you saw in her physical condition? What were her alternatives at that time? (Or were there any?).

After 17 years of being together, you gave her peace when she needed help. Think about that.
Read some stories here where the decision was made to bring the sweetheart home, and for some once the vet had closed, they went through hours of watching their baby suffer...and pass away. So many said they would not do that again....they can't forget watching and hearing.

Your girl's trusting eyes hoped you would do what was needed to help HER. You did. What other decision did you feel you should make? That's why it is good to ask the vet if there were alternatives, what were they, and what would happen if they didn't work..would she suffer..
I don't believe your vet would have said to let her go if he felt there was hope of giving her any kind of quality of life without suffering.

Of course your other pet is suffering. The vibes you and your wife give out are easily read by these babies. They are upset because you are...and they don't know why and we can't tell them.

You say you can't understand why you are feeling like this. We here understand why, George, because we have lived all your feelings and learned to survive. It is pure hell but again I go back to remembering the words of one Mom that I said before to you ....The pain of losing her will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing her.

We want them to stay forever but that is not to be. I have lost very young ones, and before the 3 feral cats born in my backyard, the longest I had a best pal was 12 years, and so when my last one had his 16th birthday, I was overjoyed and hope he would stay at least over 20 years, as I have read some do. But things started to happen a few months later and so he never saw birthday 17. It is all a part of loving them and having them become a very important part of our family..and we never regret doing that.

I heard about vet schools that give counseling over the phone but I know of none that really helped. This forum is where I have seen real help when given by the members who are honest and caring and genuine and so far they have answered you here and are still ready to help as best they can.

When you think of Bun-bun....just softly say to her...."I love you and I gave you peace...I could never let you suffer". Or, whatever feels right to you. That's what I say to my boy when I can't block out that last day. When I look at his pictures all over my home..in my mind I tell him...I'm sorry I could not help you but I know you are not suffering anymore and all I could do was give you peace.

With my boy, he almost died as a feral kitten at about 6 weeks old. His feral mom tried to get him to eat but he just laid there foaming at the mouth. She gave up after a bit and went to her other kittens. I looked at him in my back yard and got a cardboard box and scooped him up and although it was July 4th, there was a vet open around the corner and as my husband drove us there, I keep asking...What are we going to do with this "little guy"? That's how he got his name, even though at 1 year old, he wound up weighing 16 pounds for life. The vet gave him a shot, said he had pneumonia, gave me antibiotics and said if he made it through the next 24 to 48 hours, he would live. I kept him in my home and nursed him and he was a fighter and survived. This is an example of when we are allowed to help them and it works. We are so grateful when that happens.

We don't want to think there will be a time we will not be allowed to help them...the disease that takes over their physical body will be in control and neither the vet nor ourselves will be able to overcome that inevitable time. It is the worst in our lives because we have lost something called a special unconditional love that helped enrich our lives so much...we don't know what to do without it. All babies are special and unique but we find sometimes that we have one that takes over our heart in a different way and that one is the hardest of all to let go.

Keep writing, cry, talk and hug your wife, hug your other cat who cannot imagine what is happening except his world has also changed dramatically.

Remember your Bun-bun is at peace. She is not suffering. She is not in any pain. It was her physical body that was allowed to fail her......never you.

They do trust us to make the right decision and although we fight the thought, we know down deep inside...there comes a time for their sake...we have to let them go. I have never made such a decision without talking to the vet and although they always say it is our decision, they cannot make it for us....they can tell us afterwards..if it was their precious one...it was the best decision at the time. I have spoke to vets that not only make that decision for their pet but they actually perform the act themselves.

We know the love we get from these sweethearts is such that if they had to live through pain to be with us ...they would do so....that's how much they want to be with us. But we know that when you love a best friend...the thought they are suffering...is something we cannot allow.
You have a special girl that is a part of your family and your lives forever. We really want them to stay forever and they want to stay forever....but....losing them comes with time and we always do think in the back of our minds that when that time comes, we hope it is peaceful for them. We make that final decision with that in mind. We never make it willingly and we are many times unprepared for the tremendous pain and loss that will hit us.

That's why when we read others stories here and how they are surviving and they read ours and we share the pain that never goes away completely, we can find ourselves healing little by little, one day at a time. Healing doesn't mean you are over everything. Healing means the pain becomes bearable and we find ourselves remembering more of the good and happy, healthy memories than the sad ones of the final days.

There are so many more good memories...we have to teach ourselves to think of them when we feel sad and smile and be glad we at least have those.

It takes time, George. I hope your vet helps....I know mine did.

Judy

George,

I can't think of a single thing to add to what Judy and others have said. So just permit me to offer you my most tender sympathies on the loss of your beautiful girl.

Sharing your tears,
Dayna

Thank you Judy. You seem to know just how I feel. Our other cat is so nervous she has licked all her hair off her tummy and back legs. Maybe she knew how sick she was. The more we throw this around the more signs of illness we see. I am trying to convince myself she was very sick. Some times we miss the signs of real bad problems. I am going to feel better (I think) after I talk to the vet tomorrow. I hope it goes well. I cant do this anymore, I cant keep crying all day, this is wrong for everyone. This is effecting my whole family, our kids are now doing the same , sense they see me in this condition. I am making myself and the rest of the family sick.
Poor Bun-Bun she was my pal, she only played with me , she was the shy one. I love her , I miss her. But I know I will feel better when I talk to the vet. I cant keep thinking of the tragedy . I must stop re-doing that day and re-living it. I am taking another day off work tomorrow to get prepared to call the vet and I dint think I am ready yet. I must get Thur this, I must stop for the sake of the family.
This was not our first pet we "let go" but she was the quit one , never her a sound, never complained, never was missing from a family get together, she always sat quietly and was always there. Poor Bun-Bun. She woke us up every day, demanding her breakfast, she had to eat when we did. she was a big part of our everyday routine. You make coffee, my make her breakfast, you read the paper, you pat her tummy, she had several spots all over the house she "perched" to watch us. She was always there. Our extra bed was hers, she had hip problems from birth so we had to keep thinks low to the floor cause she couldn't jump far up. When my wife knits she always played with the yarn. She was always in the picture. She was that part of the family unit that never in the spot lite but always there. Always there like a good friend. When ever I remember anything about our family, she is in the picture. I miss her so.
I am trying to get my arms around this, all the letters I have received are helping tremendously, I appreciate them more then you will ever know Judy. Thanks your a good pal.. I hope you find peace with your lost love one to. tomorrow is going to be a better day, I know the vet will put to rest a lot of my agony. Tomorrow it's going to be different day, I just know it.. Bless you Judy , your a real friend

Thank you, Judy and the others have helped me enormously. It is difficult coping with the lost of a loved one. She was a central part of our family unit. Our family dynamic will never be the same.. I miss her so..
Thank you Dayna, bless you

You did NOT let her down, you helped her when she could not help herself. I have let cats live on longer than nature intended, and I feel guilty for that. However, our last cat, he was let go a few weeks ago when he was obviously not enjoying life any more, he went quickly, and he seemed to be ready to go. I miss him a lot, but at least I know he did not have a long painful protracted ending.

We let pets live artificially long lives through food and medication, so when they go via euthanasia, we are not ending their normal lives, we are stopping artificially extending their lives. When they are old, and have a major health crisis, they are not likely going to get better. Why do we drag it out when we know that's it? They simply do not live as long as humans. We need to remember them as ther were when they were healthy and normal, we will see them again in another time and another place. Celebrate Bunny's life, you obviously made it a good one for her.

Thinking of you as we think of our loss also.

Thank you, I know your right. I know she was sick, I know it was the right thing to have happen. I know, I know. I just miss her so. I am selfish to want more time with her, I cant let her go. I am sorry. I feel I am in a neutral part of my life. I have something missing in my life that I erased. It was my decision. I did not want her to suffer. there are a lot of "I"'s in this letter, I am so selfish. There should be more "hers" . I don't know what's going on in my head. I am so sorry for her. I just don't know. Thank you for your truthful help, your right in every way. I am just ,,,, for the lack of a better word "sorry" for her. I just wasn't ready to let her go. there goes another "I"... Bun-Bun was my best friend... I just want to tell he I'm sorry... thank you .. Bless you

Helllo again George, I hope you get what you need from the vet. I can't tell you enough how much I know exactly what you are going thru. Especially the whole trust thing. I just wanted to let you know that others have posted some very good articles in the Pet Resources and Article column. The 3rd one down "Making the Big Decision- Euthanization" had helped me alot. There is a part in it that mentions living in the moment; remembering how we felt and why we made the decision. Before I read that I couldn't understand why in my mind I kept going back to that last day. After reading that, I concluded it was a reminder of his suffering. Like you, I wish I could forget (but never will) the look in his eyes, the disapointment that I couldn't help him, the broken promise. Sometimes, I tell myself that those eyes instead said to me "thank you for taking away my pain mom", I'm sorry to see you so sad". This was not my first pet, but my first euthanization. Most likely it won't be the last, but it's hard, really, really hard. Please read the article and others alike, I hope it will help...Big Hug..Ann

Thank you Ann, I will read it right now. Today is very important for me as i am going to talk to the vet. I awoke early and almost made it out of bed before crying. I must resolve to the fact that it was the right thing to do, and know I will get reinforcement from the vet. Why this effected me so deeply is a mystery to me, She was not our first pet nor or first to be "let go". she was just special I guess, so loving, so sweet always there for all those years. Her face showed a reflection of our family's growth. She was special to say the lease. I have to learn not to look at the spots she always used as a vantage point to witness whats going on. I kissed her every day because she was so full of love for us as well. Like I said , I'm no kid. for some reason this has humbled me. I guess what they say is true that the small things in like are the most important. I never thought I would act this way when Bun-Bun passed., I never thought of her not being there. I guess I just got use to her always being there, It is empty in our house. Our other pets have not played with any of there toys sense that day. It is hard to see the food and water bowl one third the size they where when she was home. She was a big eater. I loved to make her a snack. She was so sweet. I miss her so. I'm so sorry for your lost. I know what you went thru. I'm learning what every day with the ones you love means. I hope you find peace. I just miss my Bun-Bun.. Thanks so much for your kind words, they mean every thing to me. I will get thru this, I just need a little more time. I just wish I could tell her how sorry I am. I love my Bun-Bun. Bless you Ann

Yes, time------------
Your Bun Bun knew how much she was loved. You were a great parent to her.

Wishing you some comfort. Hope your talk with the vet helps.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you very much, I am getting ready to call the vet. Bun -Bun had saddle bags (we called them) her stomach was so wide from the rear it looked like saddle bags when she walked around. I miss that picture. I know this regret is going to end some day. It's just tough right now. I appreciate the help all the wonderful people have given me. It is hard to go thru this alone. My wife is worse then me. They spent lots of time together. She was the anchor of our house, she was always there , always looking for a family member, always ready to rub on your leg, ready to give you a meow hello. I know this was the right thing to do. I would never hurt her. I love her deeply. She was my Bun-Bun. I love her.

HI, George

Everything you say, I read and just wanted to let you know that every one of your replies here are full of normal feelings and thoughts and wishes. You can't think of anything we here have not thought of ourselves about our special ones.

I always say we will love them forever and miss them forever and because of that missing and love...the pain never completely goes away. It is the pain of missing them..of looking around and not seeing them.

I know the first few days, I would called out my boy's name very softly because when I used to do that no matter where he was, within a few minutes he was walking up to me. (Others here told me they did the same thing). I stopped after a while because I knew he was not coming up to me anymore and it got too depressing to do that.

I posted pictures of him in the Memorials and Tributes Section here and I believe in one, I had shown the pictures where I put a vase of flowers in some places he used to lie down..so the space did not look so empty.

I notice today is a Holiday (President's day). I hope you are able to reach your vet but if not, I am sure he will be there tomorrow....just wanted to warn you about the Holiday.

Anytime though, just come here again and write what you are feeling and thinking. We are always here listening and are anxious to hear about your talk with your vet. Hope you have written down any questions you don't want to forget to ask. When I talked with my vet, my main thoughts were about: what was his condition when she saw him that day? Was there any hope of a future? What could have been tried and what would the result most likely be? Was he suffering (Of course my boy was cause he couldn't breathe)? But these are questions I have asked about other special ones I have had in my life where decision time was coming. Sometimes I was told there was not immediate suffering...that made me feel better. But the future outcome was never a cure and eventually the end would not be peaceful. I always wanted to know how much time I had to make the decision....when there was time.

I think one of my hardest was a sweet girl dog who developed a spinal cord injury of some type at age 12. She was never in any pain or suffering but her legs would go into spasms where she could not walk or bend them for a time and her quality of life was getting bad. I saw her struggle to get out of her doghouse and couldn't cause her legs would not bend. After a time, they would and she could move. But it had progressed to a point where she had to do a BM and could not get out of her dog house to do it. The look in her eyes..................when that happened.....

I guess sometimes I tell more stories of other ones cause reading a long post can be distracting and sometimes it helps to be distracted.

Waiting to hear how your talk went................will be checking on you.

Judy

I spoke to the vet today and he was curt but through in his explanation of the problem. It wasn't the best for me but it was the best for Bun-Bun. I, cant say I was totally relived after talking to him but he did take his time and he did say over and over it was the right decision for her. It's tough to live with but I am somewhat relived to hear it again. I was able to get thru the phone call without balling.(some tough guy Hun ?). I felt so selfish thinking about me instead of her needs and feelings... it was best for her , not me..
I also felt that 10 days out of work was enough so I decided to go into the office for a little wile.
I entered my office and sat at my desk, people came by to see where I had been and I just said it was the flu, case closed.
One of the girls , I don't even know well came in and point blank asked me " who did you loose" ?.
I guess I looked down in the face. she said you looked like you lost your best friend. (I did) but I didn't tell her that.
About a hour later I got a inter office e-mail from that person with a message attached saying "you look like your being tortured with guilt" and a video attachment was included ,saying this is what you look like. I viewed it and it shocked me to see what people though I looked like. Stairs thru the door as if I where on fire or something. Did I look that tormented?
I have to put this to rest, I am convinced that I did the right thing. I love my Bun-Bun but I cant torture myself anymore. I must move on. I will always love her and will always remember the love she shared with me. I must stop crying. I know I did the right thing.
I would like to thank my dear friends Judy, Nemo's Mon, Jon730, Sisycat, Ann, Myhrtisbrkn, and Jasonson Mom for all the love and support they gave me, you have my dieing gratitude. I hope peace finds it's way into your hearts. May God bless you and your family's. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And Bun-Bun thanks you as well. She will always be with me, as long as I live. You all have a special place in my heart.
God Bless you all..
P.S.
Bun-Bun had a stuby tail too.

I guess this is what I looked like

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHAs5loKT2w

Wow, George....I didn't know you looked like Jack Nickelson! I love his movies!

That is a beautiful picture of your girl and I see what you mean about the tail.

I'm glad the vet did take the time to talk to you. I'm sorry he was curt but am glad he did discuss things with you. Maybe the fact my vet was a woman made her more sensitive cause I did cry during the talk but kept getting my control back. But I think that talk sounds like it did help you, especially when you said about his explaining things and telling you it was the right decision. I found it is one thing to "hear" what they are saying when you are right there with your baby...and know you are feeling forced to make a decision.....and to me it felt different to discuss it a few days later with the vet....I guess because the decision was already over and I wanted to concentrate more on why I felt the vet thought it was right..from a medical standpoint. It was hard to listen to what was wrong with my boy but hearing it without the pressure of the decision, did help me come to terms that there was no doubt it was the right thing to do...for him. We always do it..for them. And we will always hate doing it.

There comes a time when we get so exhausted from grieving...that's when we think..what would make us feel better...and that's when we start changing things little by little and these are the ideas that can lessen the out of control feeling that this kind of grief can give us.

Hugs to you and your wife and your other kitty. Fate can take the physical body from us but it can never ever take the soul and spirit and love we will always feel from our best friend, our special one.

Come back anytime, George. And if you slip back once in a while, remember that would be normal.

And, don't use the word "selfish".....we love them so much we want to keep them with us but it is never "selfish" when in spite of how we feel, we end up doing what is best for them...knowing we don't want to but also knowing we really have no choice. The only thing they really ask of us is the hardest thing of all to do but we do it because we love them that much. (The closest we can ever get to returning the unconditional love we always received from them).

They are in and have our hearts forever and nothing can take away the good memories and love we will always feel.

Judy

Thank you Judy, your a good friend. It is tough but I will make it. I know there is still lots of tears in the future but I know she is happy without pain. She is a sweet heart. I can make it. I wish you well.


George