I am so sad. We were away for a week. We came home Tuesday night and Tony was fine. He was very happy to see us. All day Wednesday he was close by, purring because we were home. But on Thursday morning he was missing. He is always around in the morning waiting for us to get up so we knew something was wrong. I found him under the stairs. When I persuaded him to come out his back leg was dragging.

I rushed him to the vets and the vet recommended putting him to sleep.

I am heart broken. I had my girls with me (8 & 11). I called them in to the exam room to say goodbye and they both burst out crying. It was so hard. I couldn't stay to see Tony put down. I have read about a lot of you staying for the injection but I couldn't watch him die.

I am filled with guilt. Tony was 7 years old when we adopted him from the SPCA. We have only had him with us for two and a half years. I thought we'd have him for years and years. It is such a shock. I have searched through all our pictures and realised that except for when we first brought him home we only have a couple of pictures. I guess I thought he'd be here for a long time and now I am so sad that he is gone.

For the first few days I tried to be strong for the girls but now they seem to be doing much better but I don't seem to be managing very well. I keep crying and I am having trouble sleeping.

I had a special bond with Tony. He chose me when we met at the SPCA. I had met about 50 cats over several weekends, but when Tony saw me he came over and started purring. I felt like he picked me. He always favoured me at home. I was the only person he would sit on. He loved the girls too but would never settle on their laps. He loved being near me and now I feel so terrible that I pushed him away sometimes. Even on Tuesday night when he wanted to sit with me I pushed him off because his claws were really sharp. I trimmed them the next morning and spent some time with him. But if only I had know that it was my last day with him...

When will it feel better???

Thanks for listening.

Ali.

Ali-

I'm very sorry for your loss of Tony. I too lost my Omar last week. Wednesday at 9:50AM to be exact. Yes he was 14, and we had him for so long, but it was not enough. My heart is broken, but I also have two kids..14 and 11 and they need me to be strong. I have my moments where I just can't be, and I need to let it out. I was afraid they would be taking it very hard...which they did, but I seem to be hit the hardest. I was there with him when he left this world, but I don't think less of anyone that can't. It's a very tough thing to do. My friend had told me when I was battling with the decision, that the decision would be the hardest part, but I don't know if I agree for me. It's all been a tough part. I can't find one thing being 'easier'.

We are all here for you so type away if you need to. I am so glad I found this site, for I thought I was going to lose my mind. You did the right thing to let him go. I wish I could say more, but I have trouble with my words at this time. I know time will heal our broken hearts. But won't erase the wonderful memories.

Take care.
Omarmommy
-Marcie

Thanks Marcie, I am sorry for your loss too.

I didn't find the decision hard as the vet told me Tony had many problems. Advanced Heart disease which had probably caused a blood clot which had caused the paralysis, plus a tumour and he said that sometimes the paralisis can become a cramping pain for the animal. Tony had not eaten or drank since the day before and I saw that his last pee was filled with blood. Thankfully, the decision for me was not so hard. It was such a shock though, I couldn't believe that it was happening. He seemed so fine the day before. But he wasn't. In a way I am glad that it happened so suddenly. I did think about taking him home and spending time saying goodbye and bringing him back later but the part of my brain that was working said to do it quickly.

I am so suprised at my grief. I loved him but the loss was so sudden and unexpected. I have never lost a pet before I can't believe how sad I feel.

How are your kids doing now? My little one seems fine. But the older is sad like me.

I am glad to have found this site as I feel like I cannot be open about my grief with most people.

Ali

Ali-

I have done this before, but the situation was a little different then mine with Omar. My last dog I got when I was 10. Well my sister got when I was 10, but the dog (Rocky) ended up coming with me when I got married and moved out. He was my baby. He got bone cancer when he was 11 and had surgery to remove it. It was a success...but that was a test of my love for him as I was a MESS. I thought I was losing him then. Even was on valum. But God had a different plan with him, and kept him with me for another year. He was with me through a tough, bedridden pregnancy. His cancer spread to his organs when my son was 2 mos old. It was sudden though. At least the exterior sign for me. My mom went with me to take him to the vet to get checked...I thought he was just constipated. I really thought he would come home with me. He was put to sleep Presidents Day weekend in 1994. He was almost 13 yrs old. I was a mess then...but had an infant to keep me occupied. It was a long road to recovery then. I know it will be now. We ended up getting Omar in June of 94. A tiny puppy. I have been through so much since then...but he was always there...not asking for much. I can't believe he's gone. I think one of my problems is not knowing exactly what was wrong with Omar. I mean...it doesn't really matter 'what' because they are all bad...but was it his heart? His lungs? His liver? Age? Was it from getting in the trash so many times? Did he eat something that put toxins in him? I go back and forth with the guilt. Mine wasn't so 'sudden' like yours, but it was quicker then I had really noticed...or wanted to notice. I feared it every time someone would tell me how old he was looking. I look back at pictures from May...and can't believe how good he looked. So it was happening quick...so I try to tell myself he wouldn't have lasted much longer if I were to have brought him home and waited. At least he had no real pain...and I didn't have to see him in pain. He had a look of sadness in his eyes at the end. But I would deny it. Sorry if I'm rambling.

My kids are okay. They have periods of sadness, but not as much as I worried they would. My youngest has a picture of him and Omar at Xmas. Omar hated having his picture taken. Any time I had the camera out, he would put his tail down and look scared and turn his head. It was comical and a chore to do. But in this one picture, he was looking right at me with my son leaing over him...the sweetest picture. I had it blown up to a 5x7 for him...and it's taped to the wall next to his bed.

You can be open about your grief with us. We are all in the same situation.

-Marcie

Hi, Ali, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Tony. Losing a beloved furchild is one of the most devastating experiences we can have. Euthanasia is comparable to having to decide to stop life support for a loved human family member or friend. It is never an easy decision to make, but it is the last gift of love we can give to our furkids - - at great sacrifice to us - - so that they can go home to the angels healed with their dignity intact. Children grieve differently from adults, so even though your girls "appear" to be adjusting, you may want to talk to them occasionally about the loss of Tony and how they're doing. It is strictly a personal decision whether or not to stay for the procedure. When I was much younger I had a kitty that needed to be euthanized, - - my first experience of this nature. My mom loved my kitty, too, and went with me to the vet's office, but she could not bear to stay in the room during the procedure, and I couldn't bear to leave my kitty while the procedure was done. So, there is no "right" or "wrong" in this very difficult and emotional time of grief. Also, guilt is a normal part of the grieving - - the "why didn't I's", "what if", "if only", etc., can be very consuming right now, but hopefully in time you will come to understand that you always gave Tony your love and attention, and the guilt you are now feeling will be replaced with a peace in your heart so that you can enjoy the wonderful memories you have of him. Tony does not want you feeling guilty because guilt will rob you of the joy you carry in your heart and memory of him. This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, Ali. Some days will be easier than others. The first hour, the first day, the first week, the first month, the first birthday, the first of whatever are the hardest because it brings to mind that "Tony used to be here." But I assure you that one day when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of Tony and find yourself smiling, and then you will know that he really hasn't left you - - his sweet living Spirit is still with you as it has always been. Even though he is no longer physically with you, your relationship with him has only temporarily changed to a different dimension. Tony is alive and playing with the angels in heaven's perfect garden, and someday you will see him again. But until then, there is this painful adjustment to not having him settle into your lap and the comfort of listening to his purr. Please know you are not alone in your grief journey, Ali. We are here for you for as long as you need us.

Peace and blessings,

moon_beam

Thank you Moon beam.

Ali,

I see no reason to feel any guilt. I am so very sorry it was time for Tony to leave you.

Something I see in your first post..the love I see running through your words....remember
something....you said Tony was 7 years old and you only had him 2 1/2 years of that time.

I would be willing to bet that you gave him the best 2 1/2 years of love and home than anyone ever did. If that was to be his last amount of time...he picked the perfect person at the SPCA
to spend it with.

Grieving is very hard. I get through it with the thought that these beautiful treasures have a time they are to leave us and when that time truly comes....we can do nothing to stop it. But when we remember that every day they were a part of our lives was a wonderful time for them and for us and all we can do is be grateful for the time we were given. It is never long enough.

It is normal to grieve...knowing them and having them as a part of our lives..how can we not?

This is a good place to talk about your thoughts and feelings. Some here will write a letter to their special one...a way of "talking" to them again.

I lost my last of 3, Little Guy, last September and in December I had a kitty pick me out at my SPCA, and I named him Lucky. Knowing that by giving him a home (as you did with Tony), my SPCA has room to rescue a new one..so it is like 2 lives are saved by my special boy being taken away from me.

I know about shock and sudden. Even though I have had others taken over the years, my Little Guy was my first emergency and I had no choice in making the decision immediately. There is something different when there is a suddenness and a shock not anticipated as it happened.

But, yes you can come here and talk. Come back and post here to your topic as often as you feel like it..we are listening and know where to find you here.

Hugs...

Judy

Thank you for your sweet words Judy. It really helps to get support from people here. This is my first day posting and although I have cried a few times today I feel a bit better.

I think typing here has helped me to talk to my husband about how I feel without breaking down. He has been very compassionate and understanding even though he wasn't a huge fan of Tony.

Thank you everyone.

How are you doing? We haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you are finding the peace and healing we all need.

Judy