LoveThem,
Yes exams are over. My previous exams took place just before my Raggs went.

Yeah, Sunday July 6th, the day my Raggs went. I remember every second of that day.
I understand that i have to keep myself occupied and fill my time so that i dont get swallowed up completely, but everything just seems like...So much effort now. Even the walking and just getting out of bed in the morning. A big part of me just wants to lie down, cry, and not move again...
For a week or so it was a little different. I couldn't keep still. I mean i couldn't stay in one place for longer than ten minutes or so without panicking. I would have to move then another ten minutes or so i would have to move again. I still feel that daily, its just not as 'constant' as it was.

But yes, without a doubt, hammering it out on my keyboard and getting it out here, althought it brings me to tears, i do feel a little lighter. Reading other people's post's detailing their own personal loss, does remind that their are other people out their in the States and other places, that are going through the same process. Because of that, i feel compelled to post some words of comfort, but for the life of me, i dont know what to say.

To be honest, i hope that i am able to connect to another special friend someday. And i do miss that unconditional love only a special friend can provide. But for me, that unconditional love is called Raggs.
I understand the enormatiy of how many babies are out their just wanting to give their love to somebody/a family and recieve some love. And it is exactly that why i am so scared at the thought reaching out for another special friend, opening my home, and not being able to give them an honest piece of my heart. I would feel devastated (for them) if i wasn't able to provide that, the most important thing.

I had a very strange dream last night...Its been on my mind all day..

My Uncle came to visit (i haven't seen him in a number of years) and we were sat in our front room. Well he was sat and i was leaning against the fire place.
I started to tell him about that awful day Raggs had gone (he last saw him when he was just a pup).
The thing is, as i was going through what had happened, Raggs was their. He was still their laid asleep against the sofa.
I thought nothing of it, their is my Raggs fast asleep like most days. It was just like any other time he was still here. And yet i was still explaining to my Uncle that he had gone and how that day played out. I felt just as bad as i do now explaining to my Uncle. Then his sleepy eyes began to open and slowly began to focus on me leaning against the fire place. I saw out of the corner of my eye that his eyes were open, i glanced over to him, taking a pause from STILL explaining to my Uncle. I give him a quick wink followed by a smile (as i would always do), i then turned back to my Uncle and carried on explaining the events of that day. Again, out of the corner of my eye, i saw him stand, stretch himself and make his way over to me with his loveable tail wagging and his usual licking of the lips. I turned my head, crounched and held out my arm. As soon as he brushed himself up along my arm and into my chest where i could put my arm around him, i turned back to my uncle and carried on explaining...I then remember standing and leaning against the fire place again with Raggs snaking his way around my lower legs, Just like he would do. Which i always found strange (in a good way) as cats tend to do that.
I lowered my arm to stroke him, all the while looking at my Uncle explaining the events of the 6th...
Thats all i remember...
I was explaining to my Uncle that terrible day and feeling as bad as i do now doing it...But he was still here, he was still being..Raggs...Turning to him i would feel the joy he gave me, turning to my Uncle, everything i'm feeling now would kick in...
I dont get it...

I woke up with a shock and sat on the side of the bed in confusion. For a split second i thought...'Maybe, just maybe he is still here'...He wasn't...And it hit me all over again.
The dream was as clear as day...Every stroke of my precious Raggs, his soft fur running through my fingers to the 'loved-up' sick feeling i would get when looking into his sleepy eyes..

I'de give anything, ANYTHING just to look into those loving eyes and share a hug with him again..

I mentioned this before but its starting to bother me a little now..
I have a number of bird boxes/stands in my garden which would always attract a number of birds every morning and early evening. My Raggs and the birds would share the garden. The birds didn't mind that he was their and my Raggs didn't mind that the birds were their.
Since the 6th, NOT ONE bird has landed in the garden or used a bird box. The stands are still loaded with bird seed and havn't been touched by the birds since the 6th.
Its almost like their avoiding the garden now.

I remember you talking about the birds. All I can think of is......when I had a dog in my yard...there were birds around..none of my dogs ever bothered the birds. But when my last dog had to leave and there was no animal in the yard...guess who felt safe to be there? A feral mom cat who birthed her kittens there. Now I don't know of any bird that feels safe around a cat. You just might have cats passing through that you are not aware of..but the birds are. It's a thought. They know cats can climb. I don't know how high your feeders are or whether the now empty yard just felt safer to them when Raggs was there.

As far as confusing feelings and saying it is harder to remember your feelings before July 6th....that is what we use our pictures for...a strong reminder that won't allow our memory to dim of a happier time with them. Also, telling stories of things like your walks, etc., those are the good memories that we can think of over and over again. As you have said...you would never trade those 15 years with Raggs...well, 15 years has to have lots of good memories. Vacation times, Summers, whatever times you were able to spend the most time together.

It is easier to feel the pain and sadness right now because it has not even been a month since July 6th. We work on pushing this pain down and do what it takes to remember the good times and be thankful for them rather than let them cause us any sadness. It is really not so confusing to remember that Raggs and you were together and that was a good thing. Unfortunately, it was his time to find peace from what old age does to the body, and so you physically had to part and that is a painful and extremely sad thing.
The present is when you are reminded everyday that a beautiful physical presence is no longer there and that is the time we all already dread but we feel having them is worth the pain and it is up to us to learn how to deal with it in a way best for us. It is harder when you haven't been through it before. But we were all there for a first time and that loss and sadness didn't keep us from loving and having others in our life. Maybe you might want to think about a puppy....any "kid" is definitely a distraction and I have seen such a thing truly help others. I know what it was like to be single and living by myself and losing a canine best friend and I have to say for me....I needed that distraction then and it worked....just like now I still needed the distraction because the pain alone just hurts so badly.

For me, the distraction means a lot more of my time is taken up taking care of the new one...by his demand...and I don't have as much time to sit and think and grieve and allow the hurt I can't stop to be so much a part of my thinking that at times I don't know where the pain stops and I begin. It helps me a lot because I don't have to work so hard to push away the pain...I am distracted and I can't deal with both at the same time so the distraction of the new one's demands wins....to his benefit but more so, to mine.

I think of Jorge and Buster. Jorge still has the pain of missing his boy but now he also has the distraction of taking care of his new family so he is not physically alone anymore. And that will help him everyday because he has the distraction everyday. And so the pain stops being a constant 24/7 overwhelming hurt. It will still be there and hurt at times but as he remembers his good memories of Buster and sees his new family everyday and knowing he has given them a home when there was none left for them...and feeling them loving him and needing him.....that is a lot of outside help to push down the pain. But...he will never ever forget his best friend who was by his side the longest part of his lifetime.

Just examples of what has helped me, what I see also help others, and maybe just thinking about it all...will help you. (Wouldn't that be something if you had a new doggie in your yard AND your birds came back?). Just a thought that made me smile.

Here is your cyber-HUG!

Been a hwile since I posted to you. Just wanted to say hello and hope you are feeling a tiny bit better.
Not many words from me tonight. It is the 8 week mark since my loss.

Many hugs to you!!!!!!

Steve,

you said:

I dont know how to cope or what level of pace i should be on.

The thing that really...hits me head on is that...He's gone...
Looking at the pictures...
My God' he's not here anymore...
Its just unbelievable...
My one and only best friend isn't here.
I cant describe how i can't get my head round this.


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about your first sentence......there is no such thing as "should" in grieving. You are where you are and things only change as time changes and mostly depending on how your feelings begin to change. The pain doesn't go away but after a while (and this goes
with your other comments above)....you kind of "accept" that Raggs really is physically gone. My way of accepting is I don't think about it. I don't allow myself to think about it. That's how my distraction helps me. Before him.....each day seemed like the day before and I didn't feel any different.....I didn't want to think about losing my boy and what happened and that he truly is gone forever..physically. I don't want to think about it now. I can look at his pictures now and somehow just feel like he "is" in that picture so he is not gone forever. Grief can result in strange thoughts. I have his healthy happy pictures in frames in all my rooms but the pictures I took of his last days..I can't look at. He always looked directly at me through the camera and I remember snapping a couple of pictures a few days before his last day (which I didn't know was coming) and he didn't want to look up and that's what the pictures show me. That means he wasn't well and seeing that is when it hit me that I was looking at him then and really didn't accept he wasn't well...I still had hope.

But the healthy pictures I can look at.....he WAS feeling good there and he looked right at me. I don't know if you looked at my Tribute Little Guy in Pictures but I can look at that now and I do know he felt good those years and I want to remember that.

Thoughts like....he is not here....I don't allow...I push them away because I don't want that pain that doesn't do any good.
But looking at a picture when he is healthy...I can do and think....he loved lying on that blanket..what a sweethheart.
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I guess my coping was finding Lucky because he was a way out of my pain. A pain that helped nothing to go through.
I read on a forum someone said: Death is only a tragedy for those left behind. That tragedy is the pain that never
ends until we consciously use whatever we can to push it away...and a good start..is using the happy memories whenever
we feel the pain. And...don't end the happy memories by allowing the sadness to come back. There are more happy
memories than sad ones and they are left with us maybe for the that reason...use them to help accept what you cannot
change....and move on as best you can.

There are no rules or time limits on grieving. Going at your own pace is simply whatever is happening to you is your way.
Maybe someone else can say..they took a month to get over the pain.. maybe others say it took longer. Whatever
happens to you is the right way for you. There are no gauges as to...where should I be right now? You can use
should as a guide as to where you should be is where you want to go and think about what might help getting there.
Knowing....it will take time and baby steps....it just does.

Here is your cyber-HUG today!

Judy