Well said LoveThem!!!!

Wish I could do more for you. Just being here and listening and letting you know we have been in your position. I went through all the different stages of grief. I'm not done yet, but I am so much better after 5 1/2 weeks than at first. It is a bumpy roller coaster ride. (someone posted that to me) It is so very true.

Just hang in there and know we are all here for you!!!!

Many Many Hugs to you!!

I could not have said that better. Raging at the unfairness and cruelty of the situation is normal, and a little bit of it is healthy. A little!
It motivates one out of the whirlpool of despair and turns some of the bad feelings outward.

But brooding on this aspect is not good, as it can lead to bad places...(Like I did when the Bad Vet killed Pepper with an overdose of stupidity.)

I was THIS close to calling Al "the Bear" from Providence and having his legs broken. Or Worse.
Louie "The Fox" would have done it cheaper, but that was because he ENJOYED it, and didn't like to stop....

I mean there has to be realistic PERSPECTIVE in these things.

But that is all to illustrate not to go too far down one road or the other. Not too much anger, not too much despair, and just keep all the wonderful years and memories handy to neutralize the poison. Rather than think of what you lost, think of what you gained.

Just because we pay at the end all at once does not mean the price was too high, does it? If I had never met Miles, I would not have had the pain at the end, but I would not have become a more loving person for bringing her into my life, or saving hers. She paid me and paid me and paid me, a thousand times over.

Sometimes we realize that the love we get from a pet is what most people WISH they got from a human..Total dedication, no excuses, no judgements, no conditions, and complete acceptance of who we are.
A perfect love, when you think of it.
What's that worth? Pain at the end. Looking back, it's not really too expensive, is it?

The many different emotions I went through after Goliath passed were sooooooooo many. I can't even list them all. Eventually I just couldn't take it anymore and completely shut down emotionally and did nothing I didn't absolutely have to. The roller coaster I was on seemed wreckless as well as endless.............I was on a one way track going nowhere. Two months after Goliath passed away I found LS and found the beginning of my journey down a very long road. Except this road has led me to places where I find inspiration, encouragment, hope, understanding, acceptance, and peace. As I take each baby step down the road of recovery I pick up another small piece of my broken heart. The pieces are many and the journey is long and sometimes weary. All was and IS worth it. I wouldn't trade one second of the time I had in this world for anything.
You ask will this progress? Little by little it will....but only if you let it. Worse? It got worse for me before it began to get any better. Subside? Yes it will eventually. Everybody is different and we all find various ways that work for us as we make our way through the grief and deep agonizing pain of losing our furry kid.

Look within yourself for what you struggle with. Reach deep and you will feel Raggs love is so much alive. As you feel the warmth of his sunshine and the goodness in your heart, you too will begin to remember all the wonderful memories you made together.............and smile because he enriched your life so much.

Much love and comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

LoveThem,
again, thankyou. Your words never fail to give me a little comfort.
You said that you understand about how half of me is missing...
In your experience/opinion...Will that aspect of things 'heal'? or..I mean thats one aspect of this whole..terrible thing that i just cant see healing...That half of me is just irreplaceable.
I'm gonna' be honest and i dont mind saying this because i am not ashamed or embarrassed and i think its important to illustrate my position a little more, but, i dont have any friends at all and i haven't had any friends since High School. Sure their are people i say 'hi' too across campus but thats it. I wont go into the how's and why's but its never bothered me because all the love and friendship i needed was from my Raggs.

sissycat,
Thankyou.
I too have read a post describing this as a bumpy roller coaster ride.
I myself, cant really see that yet as it feels like i haven't gone up to go back down.
But i get what you mean. Maybe one day feeling 'ok'...A week later, a few tears...
Thankyou so much for your post. I really appreciate it.

Jon730,
Thankyou, again another smirk.
I agree, i know within myself that brooding on the anger aspect cannot be good.
And your right...Thinking of what i gained rather than what i have lost sounds good.
But the thing is...While a large part of me is going through this whole terrible process...Another part of me still cant get my head around that he's gone. It just...It wont go in, i cant seem to process it. I've sat down alone and told myself out loud that he has gone, but it just doesnt register...

The last part of your post hit it straight on (in my eyes). Granted i'm only 22 but i dont think the love of which you described exisits between humans. I'm sorry if i make anyone feel a little uncomfortable by saying what i just did but, thats kinda' how i see it. Maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm right.

goliath,
Wow..Beth, your words really hit home. I too think i'm heading down a little...'blurry' road.
I can honestly say that without the people on this forum...i'de be just a little more lost.
Thankyou for your kind words. They mean so much..

Oh, I have experienced it but only in certain phases of a relationship, then it shifts.
Animals have no foreknowledge of agiing, sickness, or death, so they never need to question or doubt because they live in the present.
We live a long time, and know what's coming. We live long enough for the ideal aspects of a relationship to shift. We live long enough to be disappointed.

The only "Happily ever after" comes from a pet.

Do not get me wrong..I have been married over forty years, and it's a good one...Better than anyones' we know.
But I will not be annoyed by a pet if he forgets to pay the bills, and the pet will not be annoyed with me if I forget to mow the lawn.

We never argue. (Because my wife is a firearms instructor! She's more accurate, I am faster-it's a standoff.) But we do drive each other crazy.

Iggy only drives me crazy for a few minutes at bedtime when he attacks my feet. Sam only drives my wife crazy when Sam tries to sleep on her face.

Other than that. it's idyllic.

I guess i just thought the 'Happily ever after' would be exactly that...

My indestructable Raggs. Who could overcome anything and would always be their..

If ever a slight thought of ageing crept into my mind, i could easily push it aside. Helped of course by his...and i'm wondering, 'brave face' and liveliness...Maybe if i had just...done something, anything.

He rescued me in so many ways, even from the brink of death...And whatever i did, even when he was by my side, i could never repay that. Even in the very end. And that will forever haunt me.

Maybe if i had let those ageing thoughts enter my mind, i could get my head around it all now...

That does actually sound idyllic

LoveThem,
I understand, thankyou for answering.
I'm sorry if all these questions seen a little...Dumb or obvious but as i said, this is my first major loss and i just want to head down the "right" direction.

So it's my finals tommorow..I've GOT TO go, i know that now. I just hope that i can hold it together and my brain will somehow engage. Normally around this time (the night before), i am extremely nervous and 'paniky' about the exam, but...If anything, i'm just nervous about holding it together. Not the exam.

Once tommorow is over, and if i come out of the other end, i am going to sit down and go through my photographs...Another 'feat' in itself.

That's the beauty in animals. Because they aren't concerned about our everyday troubles and annoyances they help us to ground ourselves which helps to balance our hearts and minds. Today I worry far less about aging and death and pay more attention to what is being offered to me in a new day. The here and now is all I have and if I awaken tomorrow, today will be but a memory.

Keep Raggs closest to your heart and let his loving spirit walk right by your side. Hold your chin up high and feel his warm love that is in your heart now and for always.

Much love with comforting hugs,
Beth

Hi loneredhorse, I am so sorry you lost your Raggs. You had a very special bond that will never die. I understand your hurt. You gave him a happy life and a purpose in this world to help you get thru your tough time. You were lucky to have found eachother. I lost my cat Arthur a little over a month ago. I still can't speak of him without tears. He was only 2 1/2. It had been 16yrs since my last pet. Mainly because I thought I would never find another like her or love another like I did my Daisy. I was skiddish of Arthur. I kind of closed my heart to him at first. But it didn't take long before I fell in love all over again. No, he wasn't Daisy and you will never have another like Raggs, but when the time is right, you will find another companion and love it just as much. And after going thru this you'll value every moment with them. One of the topics here was remembering the good times. All I could think of was every moment I spent with him. It's going to take time and like everyone has said the joy of having them around out-wieghs the pain of losing them. In time you'll realize that. I wish you well, and speedy healing. This is a great site. I hope it helps. Ann

goliath,
Thankyou, your words always provide me with some comfort.

ann,
I too think that i will never find another like my Raggs or be able to give a piece of my heart to another. Part of me feels like i would be...'disrespecting' my Raggs...I just couldnt.
I dont think it would be fair on anyone. My new furry one, me...
its 'justme' by the way, not 'loneredhorse'

LoveThem,
Your right in everything you said. It never even occured to me to look at it like that. I think maybe i just thought that all my questions might..I dunno'. But anyway one thing's for sure, if it wasn't for the people on this forum..I wouldnt know what to do, which road to head down or what feelings are 'normal'...
My exam, well i just dont know...Parts of today are just a blur. Kinda' like when you get in your car to drive home from somewhere and then all of a sudden your home. 'autopilot' i guess. The other parts were just sick feelings in my stomach and my heart aching. I swear sometimes it feels like it's just gonna' physically cave in...
But my heart just wasn't in it. Its not really into anything anymore. Maybe my previous revision got me some grades, i dont know. I wont know until early September anyway so..

LoveThem,
Yes exams are over. My previous exams took place just before my Raggs went.

Yeah, Sunday July 6th, the day my Raggs went. I remember every second of that day.
I understand that i have to keep myself occupied and fill my time so that i dont get swallowed up completely, but everything just seems like...So much effort now. Even the walking and just getting out of bed in the morning. A big part of me just wants to lie down, cry, and not move again...
For a week or so it was a little different. I couldn't keep still. I mean i couldn't stay in one place for longer than ten minutes or so without panicking. I would have to move then another ten minutes or so i would have to move again. I still feel that daily, its just not as 'constant' as it was.

But yes, without a doubt, hammering it out on my keyboard and getting it out here, althought it brings me to tears, i do feel a little lighter. Reading other people's post's detailing their own personal loss, does remind that their are other people out their in the States and other places, that are going through the same process. Because of that, i feel compelled to post some words of comfort, but for the life of me, i dont know what to say.

To be honest, i hope that i am able to connect to another special friend someday. And i do miss that unconditional love only a special friend can provide. But for me, that unconditional love is called Raggs.
I understand the enormatiy of how many babies are out their just wanting to give their love to somebody/a family and recieve some love. And it is exactly that why i am so scared at the thought reaching out for another special friend, opening my home, and not being able to give them an honest piece of my heart. I would feel devastated (for them) if i wasn't able to provide that, the most important thing.

I had a very strange dream last night...Its been on my mind all day..

My Uncle came to visit (i haven't seen him in a number of years) and we were sat in our front room. Well he was sat and i was leaning against the fire place.
I started to tell him about that awful day Raggs had gone (he last saw him when he was just a pup).
The thing is, as i was going through what had happened, Raggs was their. He was still their laid asleep against the sofa.
I thought nothing of it, their is my Raggs fast asleep like most days. It was just like any other time he was still here. And yet i was still explaining to my Uncle that he had gone and how that day played out. I felt just as bad as i do now explaining to my Uncle. Then his sleepy eyes began to open and slowly began to focus on me leaning against the fire place. I saw out of the corner of my eye that his eyes were open, i glanced over to him, taking a pause from STILL explaining to my Uncle. I give him a quick wink followed by a smile (as i would always do), i then turned back to my Uncle and carried on explaining the events of that day. Again, out of the corner of my eye, i saw him stand, stretch himself and make his way over to me with his loveable tail wagging and his usual licking of the lips. I turned my head, crounched and held out my arm. As soon as he brushed himself up along my arm and into my chest where i could put my arm around him, i turned back to my uncle and carried on explaining...I then remember standing and leaning against the fire place again with Raggs snaking his way around my lower legs, Just like he would do. Which i always found strange (in a good way) as cats tend to do that.
I lowered my arm to stroke him, all the while looking at my Uncle explaining the events of the 6th...
Thats all i remember...
I was explaining to my Uncle that terrible day and feeling as bad as i do now doing it...But he was still here, he was still being..Raggs...Turning to him i would feel the joy he gave me, turning to my Uncle, everything i'm feeling now would kick in...
I dont get it...

I woke up with a shock and sat on the side of the bed in confusion. For a split second i thought...'Maybe, just maybe he is still here'...He wasn't...And it hit me all over again.
The dream was as clear as day...Every stroke of my precious Raggs, his soft fur running through my fingers to the 'loved-up' sick feeling i would get when looking into his sleepy eyes..

I'de give anything, ANYTHING just to look into those loving eyes and share a hug with him again..

You just DID! What a blessing that dream was.

Remember the story about the two boats and the helicopter earlier in the thread?

Now that you have had that dream maybe it will make more sense.

When a gift is given, you are supposed to accept it. Don't question it and turn it over looking for a price tag. Many on here would love to have had a dream like that.

You got your visit!

There have been posts on here I could not answer. It was not because I was playing favourites, or because it was a dog or horse or other animal I do not presently have. It was just that those posts contiained either parallel memories and stories, or were so emotionally overloading I was dumbstruck and did not feel confident enough to be able to type a proper reply.

I was reading the BB today, and encountered something I wrote a while ago. I happened to like it. To be honest, I write much of what I do for ME, as they are thoughts that I explored in trying to make MYSELF feel better. Some of these thoughts seemed to help a little so I would post them so other people could try them.

One I encountered was something like this, which I expanded here:

"Sometimes in healing there is little to do but let Time and Life flow around the sorrow, like a river flows around a rock.
Given enough time, the sharp edges are worn off.
Given longer, the rock is worn down and cannot be seen.
It is still there, deep down, though. But it no longer distracts you.
You have lost nothing because you know where it is if you need something to stand on."

Well..As arrogant or whatever this may seem...Just after i woke from that dream,
i put it down to the fact that part of me cant/wont accept that he has actually gone...
As i've said, part of me cant process it or wrap my head around it...It just wont go in.
In my dream, my boy was their and yet i was painfully explaining to an Uncle that he had gone...

I do remember that story...In fact i know it off by heart after reading your post for the first time.
And maybe your right...Maybe it was a gift...But being...'me'...i cant help but question it.
Oh' i just dont know'..I dont know anymore'. Sorry

I believe it was a sign from Raggs. I have wished and wished for a dream of my Sissycat. Over 6 weeks and nothing yet. Still hoping tho.

Hugss!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks sissycat,
But i just dont know...
But i know that i have to let it go...I cant dwell on it and keep questioning it...

Honestly, since my Raggs went, i've been a little reluctant...or scared to sleep..
For exactly that...a dream.
I know that i wont wake up smiling or...'lightened'...Not yet anyway.
I know that i will wake up panicking and in tears. Then it'll hit me all over again and my heart will just drop.

What Judy is saying is so true.

When Goliath passed away I could not even think of the idea of bringing another furlove into my home, let alone my heart. Several months after he was gone I began to think of it only to find myself feeling like I was betraying Goliath's love. Over time I came to realize that a new and different kind of love could never change nor take away what Goliath and I had and still have together.

Browser came into my life 6 months after Goliath passed away. I had read about Browser and his two sisters on the internet and it was then I knew the time was right. Somehow I believe Goliath had something to do with sending such a sweet little brother for me to have and to hold and make new memories with. Goliath's loving spirit stays alive as long as I continue sharing his love with another. Browser will never be Goliath no more than Goliath could ever be Browser. Each has brought their own unique kind of love into my heart and home.

Your loss of Raggs is still very raw. Be patient with yourself. I wish there were a way to get around the grief you are feeling...............but you can only go through it. You are not alone because all of us here walk the same road as you do in trying to find acceptance and peace of mind. Raggs left you with far more than grief when he passed away. Open that treasure chest that you and he filled together and know he is still with you now and for always.

Much love with comforting hugs and peace,
Beth

LoveThem,

Oh believe me, i would never be able to search for another unconditional love if it wasn't in my heart to do so.
I was so disgusted and angry, when my mother suggested i get another, three days after i lost my Raggs.
for some reason i remember that conversation out in the garden like it was yesterday also.
Thankyou, i guess i never thought of it like that...An addition instead of a replacement. I think part of me is a little worried that...A new special friend would put my memory of Raggs in some sort of...Jeopardy. From what you've said LoveThem, i am beginning to realise that, that could never happen.
Could i please ask...How long did it take you before you went out with the intention of bringing home another special friend? I know everyone will be different...
Raggs came to me. My Dad brought him home from the shelter when i was 7. I didnt even know until he came through the front door with Raggs in his arms, that we were getting a dog...One look into his nervous but excited, confused puppy eyes..And i was in love. From that moment on my life began.
I'm at the point now where i cant even look into another dog's eyes without being tearful. My neighbour's...The guy who lives down the street who i dont know...
It seems/feels like every dog i come across, even if i'm just passing a play session on a patch of grass to get to the store, seem's to give me a...'stare'. When their eyes are focused on mine. Its a long couple of seconds...
Everything is different now...walking through town it sounds so much quieter than it was before, and the birds...well i have a few bird stands loaded with bird seed and nuts in my garden. They would feed on on them every morning and wander my garden, even though my Raggs would wander their too at the same time.
But now, the birds aren't interested. They dont come. Only the odd one or two drop by and quickly fly off again.

Yes i always find too that whenever i dream, it's caused by something that is bothering me. Even if i'm not conscious of it during the day when i'm awake.
It does comfort me thinking that...my dream may of been a message of reassurance that my Raggs is now ok..
Yeah their were definatly two opposite ideas going on. Both of which were completley unaware of each other..
I've said that, part of me wont/cant process that he has gone...It just wont go in. It's like trying to drive a truck through a pinhole. And yet i grieve...
I dont know.
The first thing that sprung to mind shortly after i was able to think about it, was that the two, the utter disbelief and the grief part of me, made up the dream...
Maybe i was subconsciently telling myself that he was gone..I mean i haven't seen my Uncle in a number of years..

Thankyou for your insight LoveThem, your words always give me a little comfort.

goliath,

Thankyou Beth, your words also, never fail to provide me with comfort.

So you knew is your heart of hearts that...It was time to welcome Browser into your home?

Yes I did. You can read my story of how Browser came into my life in the New Beginnings Section of this forum. His arrival was no accident. Even before Goliath passed away we were keeping our feelers out for another chihuahua puppy. We had decided on looking for a dark colored, multi marked, male and planned to bring him home this last Fall. In the meantime I had surgery and Goliath passed away in November. My world came to a screeching halt and I had no desire whatsoever to let myself get so attached to another.

After we brought Browser home in April of this year I was apprehensive about allowing myself to get too attached at first. Browser had other ideas in his sweet little head and absolutely amazed me in how much he stayed glued by my side. He was the one who was so determined to work his way into my heart.......and he did. Just a couple of weeks after Browser came into our home he went missing for over 10 hours in a cold dark rain. The story of how we found each other is a true miracle. Please do read in the Missing Section of this forum about how Browser and I came to bond forever. Goliath's love is like no other.........and so is Browser's. My Gidget brings an entirely different kind of love yet. All are unique in their own special ways and I have much love to give. When I share my love with others it allows me to keep Goliath's love alive. I feel his presence near me no matter where I go. His body is gone but the spirit of his love will never die. Not now and not ever.

There would never be death if there was no life. Having shared my furry kids lives has enriched my soul and I don't know what I would ever have become without them. They made me want to be a better me. I'm thankful for that.

You will know when the time is right for you to bring a new and different kind of love into your heart and home. Sometimes other people may say things to you about getting another dog. Most mean no harm. Your Mom was probably just trying to make you feel better. I'm sure she loves you and would not purposely hurt your feelings. There are other people who just don't know what to say and also those who haven't a clue of what a special kind of love with an animal is all about. Forgive their ignorance for what they do not know.

A day will come when you will be able to think of Raggs and feel grateful for all he brought into your life. I promise you will smile again when you think of him and all the memories you made together. Patience and tears will bring you to a place of peace. One day the lessons he brought you during the times you had together will have more meaning and you will use them to make a difference in this world. Raggs was special and taught you about love. Share his love and let it shine in you and all around you.

Much love with hugs of comfort from my heart to yours,
Beth

Beth,
Thankyou for your reply.

I'll be sure to read your posts in the New beginnings thread and the missing's section..

From what you've described here, Browser sounds like a sweet, determined and knowing special friend.
I really am happy for you.

I find it so...Amazing, and yet, so impossible how you, and other's, can look upon it like that...
The strength it must take...Its beyond me.

Yourself and other's have often mentioned a...different love, a unique special love...
I read it but...part of me cant understand it or believe it for that matter...

I think maybe it's because my beloved Raggs was my first furry friend...And he was with me for 15 years. I haven't experienced another love from any other furry friend. I just cant comprehend a...'uniqueness?' with a furry friend.
The love Raggs gave me is all i've ever known from a furry friend.

Yeah i know my Mum doesnt mean any harm...But with her its just..'something has broken, fix it NOW' or 'something is missing, replace it NOW'. She see's me upset, she has to fix it their and then...
Bless her but it's never worked, and i've never told her otherwise. God knows i've put her through enough in my 22 years.

You said: 'A day will come when you will be able to think of Raggs and feel grateful for all he brought into your life. I promise you will smile again when you think of him and all the memories you made together. Patience and tears will bring you to a place of peace. One day the lessons he brought you during the times you had together will have more meaning and you will use them to make a difference in this world. Raggs was special and taught you about love. Share his love and let it shine in you and all around you.'

Thankyou for those words...All your words.
That day...Just isn't on my radar..
I'll try to keep your promise inside of me and if that day arrives..exists..Then I'll try to reflect in words how thankfull i am.
To everyone on this board.
Thankyou Beth.