Hi,

Well I'm losing the battle with Jeff over getting a new dog. I cannot convince him, nothing I do or say will change his mind. Molly is still so sad. I hate coming home to her sad face, she just sits by the door to her dog run looking like the saddest thing you ever saw. I think a puppy would be great for her as well as me.

The other night, my three y/o was crying in her sleep for Megan, she just kept sobbing "I miss Maggie" It broke my heart.

Molly is a great dog but she is "my dog" and although she is good with my people girls, she just is not into them like Megan was. And I know they miss play time with Megan.

What do I do???

Tracey

Hi Tracey:

You had answered my most recent post, and I was hoping (in my heart), that "Hey, Tracey's back....maybe they have a new lil' furbaby to love"............. (especially when I think of your lil' human babies!!!! )

I KNOW that Megan was soooooooooo very special.......What has Jeff said, over the past few months with regard to "adopting a new baby to love"????

I will PM you, but what are his reasons....other than Megan was just SOOOOO SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????

I'm sure he knows that although Megan was a very, very special dog ----- she would want you & him & also your girls to be happy.... And, that happiness includes a new "doggie" to LOVE...

No furdog will EVER, EVER REPLACE MEGAN.................... THAT'S FOR SURE & IT CAN'T BE DONE.....

BUT, THERE ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY DOGGIES OUT IN SHELTERS THAT NEED SOOOOOO MUCH TO BE ADOPTED, TO BE LOVED................
And, to give wet nose kisses to Jeff!!!!! Really Jeff, there is a dog out there who wants to share your life with you, and no doubt, it will be your beloved Megan who will lead you to that dog............ Just please, give it a try for yourself????

Your lil' girls would break my heart................ I pass along lots of strength for you in handling your human babies about them missing their Megan............

Please, keep in touch.............You know that we all care!!!

Love, Denise

Dear Tracey,
I really was moved by what you wrote tonight. It must be hard if you're ready to bring a new dog into your family and your husband isn't. Is he opposed to ever getting a new dog or just right now? When I read about your daughter crying in her sleep, I started to cry.

We lost our black lab Jordan one week and two days ago. Our 21 month old daughter has mentioned Jordan a few times since his passing but a few days ago she did something that really broke my heart all over again... During Jordan's final week of life our daughter had joined us in taking JJ to the vet a few times. She knew that he was "sick" and that he had to stay at the hospital to feel better.

Well, three days ago we happened to be driving past our vet's office when she saw it and very excitedly said, "JJ's doctor! GO SEE JJ! YEAH! Mommy, go see JJ!" When I drove past the driveway she began to cry. I told her again as my husband and I have told her all week that, "JJ is gone. He died and is in Heaven with God." She said in a very irritated voice, "NO, Mommy...JJ sick. Go see JJ's doctor....See JJ." When I repeated my previous answer to her, she started to cry and cry.

Well, I don't have to tell you how I felt. I was no longer grieving for myself but for my daughter as well. She is so little and I really thought that she wouldn't be affected that much by his passing. During the first few days after he died, my daughter would matter-of-factly say, "Mommy and Daddy sad...JJ gone." We are picking up Jordan's ashes tomorrow. I'm debating whether or not to let our daughter see them so we don't have to explain. What do you think?

How are you handling talking to your daughter about Megan? I know she is older than my daughter but I'd love some ideas. We keep repeating the same simply message whenever she asks about him.
I'm thinking of you. Thanks for listening.
Jordan's Mom

Hi,

Yes, Denise I'm back I've missed you guys but I have been having a very stressful life lately and just have not had the energy to come here. I don't think Jeff ever wants a new dog, he is more of a cat person. I love them both, differently but both. We do have two great cats already. So I'll just give him more time and see whaat happens.

Jordan's Mom,

I'm so glad that you replied. Alot of people here do not have kids, they've tried to help but I don't know if they can truly relate to what I'm going through. The hardest thing about losing Megan had been dealing with the girls (Jordyn is 5 and Kiki is 3). They understand that she was sick but do not understand that she can't come back from doggie heaven to see us. One day Jordyn was playing around in the bathtub and I told her that she had to be careful because accidents can happen and that she could drown. She just looked at me and said that if we all drowned then we could go and see Meggie. I was speechless and had no idea how to respond to her. Megan died Jan. 8/04 so it has been a few months but the girls still ask about her and want her to come back. I'm sorry I have no advice, I'm just flying by the seat of my pants with this parenting issue. I did go and buy them stuffed dogs that they both named Megan. And I tell them that when they are sad and missing Megan to hug their stuffed dogs and Megan would feel their hugs in doggie heaven. I also gave them Meg's leash and collars. Jordyn has put them in a drawer that she calls her "rememory drawer" and they do take them out and play with them.

I don't know about showing your daughter Jordan's ashes. I think that may confuse her. But you know her best and just go with your instincts. Also be patient, I was surprised that after this long the girls still have questions.

I'm sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to grieve for your lost pet and try and keep it together for your kids. You can e-mail anytime you want/need to.
Tracey

Thank you so much for your reply. It is hard to be a mom and grieve at the same time, isn't it? Your girls are lucky to have you helping them to deal with their loss in some "healthy" ways. What an important life lesson. My husband wants to take our daughter to the swimming hole when we scatter JJ's ashes. I think I'd rather have the two of us do that. I want to think about Jordan instead of running around chasing her! Well, thanks again for listening and understanding.
Jordan's mom

Tracey,

I am one of those child free people who can't really give parenting advice. I suppose though that kids have to grieve and be sad the same way we all do. I also suppose that WE as adults don't understand "why this had to happen" why our pets can't visit from heaven (some get the dreams, and I envy them)... but I don't know.

As far as Jeff not wanting another dog... this I know about. **I** did not want another dog. Ever. I was much more of a cat person. I didn't have any of the issues about a new dog replacing Freyja (no one ever could), or doing a disservice to her memory (I think getting a new pet is an honor to their memory...) I just didn't want another dog.

So now we have two. Two BIG dogs...

And I dote on them...

So what happened? One is that I could see that Tim really needed a dog. He didn't pressure me (much). But... I just knew that he needed that. The second was that we made the mistake of going to the pound. It was a hot day in July and it was so sad. And Tim and I both felt that to refuse to rescue someone there would ethically be WRONG. Before we went to the pound, we were "just looking." Don't ever go to the pound unless you intend to bring someone home... And the third was that Hathor chose me. Sorta. Actually, we had to use a hook to get her out of the cage and it took half an hour... But -- something moved through me, and not only did we have to rescue someone, it had to be HER.

A month or two after we brought her home, she became best friends with a neighbor dog that roamed free named Chata. Then Chata's owner abandoned Chata in March, and I had to take Chata in. Not "had to" in the sense that I was coerced, but had to in the sense that I had this overwhelming gut instinct to do so.

So... Jeff may come around. Or he may not. I think he probably will, but right now he may need some time to work thru the loss of Megan before he is ready. I think you should make your feelings clear and leave it at that. I don't think you want to push him, that would be unfair to him and to any dog that you got as a result of pressure.

Best of luck with him and your girls.

Love,
Jennifer

Tracey,

I just went back and read some of your old posts -- before I ever heard of this site when back when I still had my little Hannah.

I don't have children (Hannah was my only "child") so I really cannot imagine the torment you are going through what with Jeff not understanding, and the children missing Megan and your missing Megan so. That was so, so sad about the bathtub and Jordyn wondering if she would see Megan if she drowned! (I remember when my brother's family (2 kids about 7 and 8 at the time) lost their little dog. About a week later, the kids were in the yard getting ready to dig up the grave to SEE WHAT THE DOG LOOKED LIKE!)

I am just wondering what the counselor had to say about Jeff's lack of sympathy/empathy. As you said, it seems that he would hurt just because you all hurt so, and that he would do anything to try to make it better, including getting another dog. Is it possible that he really is hurting about it and just won't admit it?

You mentioned that he was tired of dog hairs everywhere, etc. There are all kinds of dogs that don't shed. What about an older dog that's already been housebroken and that you know doesn't chew, etc.?

I really would like to know what the counselor said about Jeff's lack of understanding. Are you still going? I know Megan's been gone a good while now, and yet you and the kids and Molly are still missing her so. It certainly sounds as if you all would really be much happier if you were able to get another dog. It just seems like there should be some way to work this out. I don't mean to get too personal in the aspect of your relationship with Jeff, and, of course, I'm really not even asking for an answer, but are there other issues of this same type? You know if there are. I just hope you're still going to see someone even if he's not. Or maybe if that couselor was no help, you could find another one.

Marcia