It was good to find this website and find out that others are as destroyed about their pet's death as I am. Our Annie Bear fell ill this past weekend. It was very sudden and we took her to the vet immediately. After a series of X-rays, they determined that she probably had an intestinal obstruction, something extremely common in dogs. We had planned to keep an eye on her and see if she passed the obstruction. The next day she got progressively worse. My husband slept outside with her in his sleeping bag because she kept getting sick and kept trying to go to the bathroom with no success. The next morning, as my husband made up for lost sleep, I brought Annie Bear to the vet for what I thought would be a pretty routihne surgery. Unfortunately, what they found wasn't an obstruction, but a tumor that had ruptured. We were forced to make a decision while she was still in the operating room. We had a similar experience with another dog, and couldn't bear the thought of Annie being in pain for our own comfort. We made a painful decision to put her down. The grief I am suffering is almost unbearable. It is so hard for me to accept that the dog that was happy and energetic just days before is now gone. I can't stop crying. I keep expecting her to come up and kiss and comfort me as she has done so many times before. She had a little bell on her collar that I keep hearing in my head. I think this may be so difficult for me because I was the one to bring her to the vet. Part of me feels we could have done something more for her.....I feel as though I personally sent her to her death. I know this is not healthy thinking, but it is hard to get that last look out of my mind. We made a memorial for her, a poster with pictures from our 7 years together. It is extremely difficult for me to look at the pictures from just a week earlier, when we went into the mountains in Flagstaff to view the foliage. She was so happy to be out with us, running ahead, and looking back for us, her expression saying, "come on guys, hurry up!" It's hard for me to accept that she is gone. My husband and I just passed our fourth anniversay together as a married couple. We just made a big move from the East coast to Arizona, and are starting a new chapter of our lives. My husband believes AnnieBear helped us make it to this point in our lives, that that was her role. Although I love this idea, I am utterly destroyed by her death and am having difficulty thinking about the good times, although I know, in time, I will. I welcome any comments or advice that will help me deal with this loss.

I am so sorry about the passing of your precious Annie Bear. I too lost a dog unexpectedly and know how the hurt pierces right through to your heart. My loss is one month today, and even though the pain is still there, I am starting to remember the good times, not that last awful night. Please remember all of the great adventures that you and Annie Bear had. What kind of dog was she? What did she look like, and what silly things did she do? Please share those with us. You came to the right site. The posters on this board have all suffered losses and understand what you are feeling. I will think of you as you try to sleep tonight. Our precious Bailey and Annie Bear are frolicking on the Rainbow Bridge while we are down here feeling sad. Take care, and remember that your new "Cyberfriends" are feeling your loss.
Pat

Sorry to hear about the loss of your pet and family member. A week ago our dog Moses passed and it has been sad to be in the space that we shared together. I spent lots of time looking over pictures and recalling memories from our short 6 months together...Moses was an old dog from a pet rescue, he was blind and deaf and OLD...we knew all of this when we fell in love with him. But somehow I didn't see his time with me being so brief. I realize now how much I have grown as a person from the time I adopted him mainly because of the Love we shared. And I guess that was my lesson to learn from Moses in this lifetime. I believe that Moses was to teach me understanding of the aging and dying process and to see the value in something old, he truly taught me unconditional LOVE!!!. Because of our time together I am feeling that maybe it is my path to make a good life for dogs in their twilight years and to help them peacefully pass when the time comes. All of this is something that was not present in my conscious mind but feels right to my soul.
It's beautiful that you and your husband and Annie Bear all moved together accross the country. Maybe Annie Bear's spirit knew that would be a good place to pass from the earth (Arizona is a spiritual place) and that another sweet animal would be waiting in Arizona for you. Let her spirit lead you because I guarantee she will when you are ready. You don't need to even think of another pet yet but when you do, I am sure your sweet girl will help you find one. We just started volunteering at a pet rescue which we would have never done had we not had our experience with Moses. It is rewarding to help a pet in need.
It's healthy and normal to grieve so cry and yell and be sad because you lost someone precious. Art and journaling are healthy ways to release emotions and can turn out some wonderful memorials in the process.
I send you much peace and healing energy for your pain. I truly know the void. In time you will heal but honor your feelings now and take care of you. Believe me when I say she knew you loved her and it was just her time to go.
peace~
angela

Thank you so much to those that replied. I has now been 4 days since AnnieBear's passing. I am still having a difficult timje coping. My grief has caused my immune system to wear down, and I am suffering from the cold of all colds. I am back at work, but having great difficulty focusing. Folks at work have been very kind. I arrived today to find the most beautiful flower arrangement on my desk. It is nice to know that people are so understanding. I just started this job a week ago. It's nice to know that my colleagues can be so kind and compassionate when they have only just met me. I still find myself tearful at my desk. I know that my AnnieBear is with me. I have been dying to have a dream or something...a sign to let me know she is okay and happy and with our dog Lane that passed about 3 years ago. Have people had happy dreams about their pets after their passing? I cannot tell you how much I ache for one. I have also read that people have felt more at peace once they get their pet's ashes back. I am hoping for an ease of the pain when she arrives back home. For now, I will try to go about my routine (one that is so different now, without the walks, and feedings, and playtime), and try to think about the silly things she did. This positive-thinking thing has been so awfully challenging for me. Thanks again, for all the condolences. This forum has been extremely helpful.

Namaste,
AnnieBear's Mom

Hi Namaste,

I'm so sorry to learn of your sweet AnnieBear's passing.  At least you can be grateful that she didn't suffer a long, drawn out illness.

You're also very fortunate to have found a job where the people are understanding.  So often, people who don't have these special creatures in their lives just can't comprehend the devistation their passing brings.

I know, first hand, what it's like to have a run-down immune system caused by grieving.  When Qorqui was killed I didn't eat or sleep for days.  I went to work and, mostly, supressed the tears, but it took so much energy to maintain composure that I got nearly nothing else done.  When I wasn't at work I'd be crying this gut-wrenching whailing kind of cry until I didn't have the energy to keep it up anymore.  Then I'd just sob until I had the energy for more gut-wrenching.  After the first couple weeks I got so I could mostly function during work, and spent the evenings moping and sobbing.  The gut-wrenching was pretty much isolated to mornings for the next couple weeks when Qorqui wasn't there while I was getting ready for work.

Anyway, my point in all this is, please take extra good care of yourself while you're grieving.  Eat a little better than you normally would and rest a little more.  As you already know, grief takes a lot out of you.

It's not uncommon at all to have dreams or get other signs.  I've also read though, that often we're too overcome with grief for our furries to get through to us in the early days after their passing.  Once we've had some time to calm down, we're more receptive and can often see or hear them trying to make contact.  Lots of folks have reported having happy dreams and even waking visits from their departed furries.  Rushie's Mom has reported finding his bed moved out from the wall every morning since his passing.  She's convinced he's making his continued presence known by doing this and has even found comfort in it.

I, on the other hand, have been waiting almost 8 months for a sign from Qorqui and have yet to get one that I can really believe was from her.  This appears to be the exception though, not the rule.  I'm sure you'll hear from AnneBear, as soon as she feels you're ready to hear her message.

In the mean time, please know that she really is healthy and happy again, playing with Lane and Qorqui and all the other furries still waiting for their people to join them.

Tim

I am so sorry for your loss ~ My heart goes out to you ~ we share the storm of grief ~ I have read all the responses as well and some words have touched my soul ~

"Part of me feels we could have done something more for her.....I feel as though I personally sent her to her death. I know this is not healthy thinking, but it is hard to get that last look out of my mind."

And also for me this is so very hard ~ and especially with the sudden impact of his passing without warning ~ my dear lovely beautiful boy was not to be saved ~ this will haunt me forever.

"...the hurt pierces right through to your heart"

Yes, my heart is so icy cold in a place where innocent joy resided when I even just looked at him.

" .....truly know the void. In time you will heal but honor your feelings now and take care of you. Believe me when I say she knew you loved her and it was just her time to go.

~thank you ~ I am trying to honor my feelings however it is hard because I want to push them away for the intensity of the pain ~ Yet I do know it was time for him and now it is a time out of time for me ~ I am so lost ~

"I will try to go about my routine (one that is so different now, without the walks, and feedings, and playtime), and try to think about the silly things she did."

This one is very important for me ~ yet how much easier it is to remain inert and hidden from my self ~ this pain this disillusionment ~ the sudden-ness of it all has me reeling off in a sideways spin ~ I am praying that in time I will be able to remember more ~

"It's not uncommon at all to have dreams or get other signs. "

I did have a sign Saturday night ~ he showed himself to me in a dream and I asked him it is really you ~ and he looked back at me with a knowing look ~ penetrating my heart with a resounding - Yes ~ then a blinding light and he was gone ~


Sincere Comfort to all ~ May the Peace the passes all understanding be yours ~ May we all be held in the hollow of His hand in the days to come ~

Love and Peace ~ Kathryn

Hello Namaste,
(AnnieBear's Mom)

Your letter broke me up, as just 3 weeks ago my beloved Leiba went through what appears to be the same story. I just wanted to let you know that since I've brought her home (ashes) things are getting better, the guilt I've felt has gone, although the saddness is still with me, and I still can rain tears at any given moment, I feel as if I'm slowly healing.

Like your AnnieBear my Leiba's X-rays also showed a blockage in the intestine. I wasn't as quick to take her to the vet though. First I believed that she was vomiting her food because it must have been a bad batch of food. We bought new food, this also didn't work, she either threw it up or refused to eat it. I began to give her soft food & eggs. It broke my heart to watch her lose weight so rappidly yet she still apeared lively and alert, it was easy to believe that nothing was wrong and convince myself that she was getting better.

Finally I took her to the vet, crying all the way. They took blood test but the X-ray machine was down so I had to bring her back on Monday for the X-rays. The vet called back that day telling me her blood test didn't look good. I began to cry, thinking this was our last weekend together. Being that Leiba still acted the same my husband was convinced that she would be Ok. Monday the X-rays showed a mass in her intestines, the vet told me to schedule a sono-gram for her, but the wait was two weeks. I switched vets, and got my neighbor who also works there to take a look at her. He looked at the x-rays and felt her abdomin and told me he believed it was cancer. I asked if he could operate and take it out and if she would be OK. He told me it would depend on how bad it was.

We scheduled surgery for Thursday, and spent the last few days spoiling our beloved girl. Wed night I took lot's of photos of my kids with Leiba, she seems so happy that night. The next morning she did manage to pass squishy poop (she had only been passing blood) and we were so excited my husband told me that she will be OK and I began to believe him. I think it is so hard to give up hope. He took her to the vet for the surgery and I was left to wait for the call telling myself that Leiba was going to be just fine.

The call did come, during surgery, there was too much cancer and there was no hope.

I broke down and sobbed and made the decision to help her on her way. (Tears are now flowing as this is still hard to write).

I just wanted to let you know that you will slowly begin to feel somewhat better once you let go of the guilt. I carried the guilt of not getting her there sooner, but 2 weeks or 1 month earily wouldn't have made any difference. I also thought I shouldn't have taken her there at all had I'd known the outcome, but then what if it could have been fixable and it would have saved her and I didn't do it. I seems as if your vet gave you no clue that it could be this serious and how sudden it took her over makes it difficult to believe that she was really that ill. The story of your husband sleeping outside with her shows that you loved her very very much. My heart breaks for you both.

Bringing Leiba's ashes back home also helped with the feelings that I somehow abandoned her. Day by day, the feelings I have seem to be fading more to the sweet than bittersweet, don't push your photo's aside. I look at the photo's I took on her last night with us, and can only see what a beautiful, loving, brave girl she was, and I'm so happy that I had almost 10 years years with her. I wish she could be here and I know she would have stayed hiding the pain until it became unbearable, but I couldn't do that to her because I loved her way too much.

The decision you made was also out of love, and from that faithful bond and the love you shared, wonderful happy memories will begin to grow & shine in your darkness and comfort you.

(Oh gosh now I'm crying again.)

All my love to you and your family during this very sad and difficult time.
Ayn