Hello all. My name is Julie and last week I had to make the difficult and painstaking decision to have my little 3 1/2 yr old dachshund "Frankie" put down. He had been having seizures sporadically and the vet school couldn't find anything physically or metabolically wrong with him. They began to get more frequent about 2 weeks ago (1 every day for 3 days) so I took him back to the vet school for more testing. He was there for a week and they couldn't find anything wrong. They ruled it as idiopathic epilepsy and were about to start treating him with the proper medications when everything went haywire. I received a call Tues. night saying they were going to begin the drug regimen on Wed. morning. They'd done a CT scan and a test (I can't think of the name) to test the fluid around his brain and all was clear. MRI was normal. However, before they could even administer the medications on Wed. morning, he began to seize. They stopped them with valium and phenobarbital the first time. Then he started to seize one on top of the other and nothing seemed to help. They sedated him and called me to tell me that I might want to come and see him as they were extremely perplexed by his condition. As a side note, Frankie had been diagnosed with hemophilia A & B last year so we were also dealing with that. I left work immediately for my 100 mile trek to the vet school. 5 minutes after I got on the road, I received a call from one of the students on his case telling me that he was in full arrest and she'd call me back asap with more info. The vet called me back about 20 minutes later to tell me that he was not well at all. He was alive but barely and now bleeding in his brain, behind and into his eyes (the brown part), bleeding under his tongue etc. etc. I was mortified and devastated. All alone on a 100 mile trip and now I had to make the decision about whether or not to prolong his life. I spoke with the vet who was extremely caring and not yet willing to give up on sweet Frankie. She said she'd keep him on a ventilator until I got there and we'd discuss options. But by the time I got there, he had been seizing again even under heavy sedation.

We weighed all the options and I sat alone holding him looking for some glimmer of hope. I made the decision based on the info I was given that it was best to not let him suffer any further. He already looked awful. The bleeding behind and into his eyes was bad and they weren't sure he'd ever really be the same. But I was told they could give him a transfusion and we could hope and wait. I just couldn't do it. He was the sweetest little dog I've ever owned. So loving and snuggly. I had to let him go. So I held him close and cuddled him while they did the rest.

For the next 2 days I second guessed my decision. I told myself I had given up too soon on him. He was young and still had so much life to live. I listened to countless people say "it was *just* a dog! You can always get another one!" But he wasn't *just* a dog to me. He was so much more. He was my "child" before I had a child. He came into my life as a gift from my husband after a particularly traumatic miscarriage and 8 years of infertility. I needed to "mother" something. Frankie was that special little creature I could focus my attention on and he paid it back to me 10 fold.

I also made the decision to have him cremated. The Vet school offered this and they'd also asked my permission to do some testing on him to see if they could figure out what went wrong so quickly. I received a call late Friday afternoon from the vet. The first words out of her mouth were "you absolutely, without a doubt, did the best thing for him!" The pathology on his brain had come back and he had some disease of the brain that so far they've only seen in pugs. Something about the white blood cells attacking the brain and causing normal brain cells to become abnormal. The fact of the matter was, he had very few "normal" brain cells and the pathologist was amazed that up until 12-24 hours before his death he was relatively normal. He said he should have been blind, cripple, and or even in a vegatative state. So while it made it somewhat easier to deal with the actual euthanizing part, it didn't help the fact that my life still has this big empty place in it.

I should be getting his ashes in a few days. They wanted to finish all the testing and all and I completely consented to any testing in hopes that it would help someone elses beloved pet down the road.

Now I just can't seem to get over this grief. My husband has been a real trooper and he even cried, which I was surprised at, when I got home on Wed. I have another dachshund that's 11 and he's not himself. I can tell he is grieving. He doesn't get up off the couch to bark when I get home or even come greet me at all. He just mopes around. Even the cat has been affected. She and Frankie were great pals and she's been meowing and moping around also.

I just don't know what to do! I want another dog but I don't. I know they'll never be another "frankie". He was truly one amazing dog. My other dog isn't a cuddly. In fact, at his age, he's rather grumpy and standoffish.

Then there's the dilmena of telling my 2 1/1 year old son about Frankie. He has no concept of death but he does know frankie was "sick" and at the "hospital" and he asks every single day when he's coming home. I haven't had the heart or the energy to explain it to him so I just simply say "he can't come home yet". I keep thinking maybe he'll just forget about him but I don't think it's fair to do him that way. When his ashes come, he'll recongnize Frankie's collar on the urn...he'll ask questions. He's pretty perseptive for his age altho the death thing is just over his head.

So where do I go from here? What do I do with all this anger and grief? How do I handle things with my child?

I am so sorry about your Frankie. Reading your story had me crying as it brought about my own trauma with Odin. At least you have the comfort of knowing that you made the right choice about putting him down. Making that choice is very hard and its always easier to blame ourselves than admit that we made the right choice. As for your son, I would be open and honest with him. Death is a part of life. It has always been my view that if you expose it to a child early enough when it happens, it helps them deal and understand when they get older. Many people try and sugarcoat their children to protect them. Sometimes that does more harm than good. I think there may be a link in the Link section of how to best have that discussion. There are also books available for pet loss for children as well. They shouldnt look at this as a bad thing.

Keeping you in my thoughts,
Take Care,
Cynthia

Hi Julie,
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my suffering while you are in such deep sorrow yourself. I am so sorry for the loss of your Frankie. I am on day 4 of this dark journey and I feel horrible. I think this site is a wonderful thing in the sense that we all are at different stages in this process and those who have passed through the months have some insight to offer us new comers to the pain and suffering. I long for the day this gets easier. I went to work today and tried to keep a stiff upper lip......but it tended to quiver and the tears rolled off my eyelids at the least little recognition from my coworkers of my loss. It is SOOO difficult. And when I came home after work, I sat in my van and sobbed like a baby, knowing my Bogie wouldn't be in the house to greet me. I went to the mailbox, to find 3 more sympathy cards from relatives, I cried some more. I'd like to say it gets better, and intellectually I DO know the odds are good that it will, but it feels so hopeless right now. Please try to hang in there Julie and stick with us in this site. Maybe the journey will be a bit less painful knowing there are others feeling the same way. About your son? Kids have a remarkable way of simplifying these events, and I do agree with Cynthia. Death is part of life, and though so difficult to deal with, honesty is the best policy, I believe.
You are in my thoughts Julie,
Bogie's Mom (Beth)

Hi Julie

I have to agree with the others children are tougher than we give them credit for and its good for them to know that crying is ok too.

This is a time for you to grow closer to your son and your husband as you share the grief together.

Your son will make sence of it his own way, just be there to encourage him to share his thoughts with you and let him cuddle you and comfort you when he needs to.

Love Sue

I'm so sorry. This sounds like an absolute nightmare for you and you were all alone when it happened. But is does sound like you really did the right thing. He is not suffering any more. I love the picture you posted-he is a little doll.

About your son. I'm not sure what to say.

I had to put my husky to sleep 3 days ago and my heart is also broken. I'm so worried about what to tell my little 2 1/2 year old granddaughter. I think I will tell her that Tico went to heaven and he is happy there. (even tho I'm not sure I believe that myself). I would rather still have him with me if he had only not been so sick.

I know this hurts so much. I hope your grieving period is shorter than you expect. Hugs to you. And I think we are at the right place to heal.

Cathi

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the kind words. I'm just barely making it thru my days. I'm lucky that my boss is a "pet" person and she understands the way I feel. She took a few days off work last year when she had to have her 14 yr old dog put down. So she's been very understanding and patient with me.

I have a librarian friend who suggested the book "The Tenth Best Thing About Barney" for my son. I have to admit, I haven't been to the library to even see if they have it. It's all I can do to drag myself into work. I can't believe tomorrow will be one week since I held my sweet little furbaby.

On a better note, I think my other dog is starting to come around a little. He's become somewhat more loveable and attached to me. He thinks he is human. Last night he slept in the bed with us (as usual) but instead of sleeping at the foot of the bed under the covers, he slept between my husband and I, head on a pillow, body under the cover just like a person! I noticed yesterday he seemed to want more attention from me so I believe he's coming around. The cat is a different story. I feel so bad for her. She just cries and cries. She's not a "lap kitty" and doesn't like a lot of petting and holding so I don't know what to do for her.

My son didn't ask about Frankie yesterday so I didn't have to deal with that. I know I have to tell him though. I just want to be sure and do it the right way as not to scare him about hospitals/drs/vets etc.

Thank you all so much. It helps knowing there really are people who understand my pain!!!

Julie

Thanks. It's my favorite picture of him. I wish I knew how to post a bigger one so you could get a better look at him. He was such a sweetie. He hated that santa hat but he was a trooper! It was taken just this past xmas. I never knew then it would be our last xmas together.

Thanks so much!

Hi Julie,
I hope today might find you doing a wee bit better. My day went along but not without tears and missing my sweet little Bogie SO much. I'm simply heart sick. I thought of you just now as I was reading another area of this site called support and related articles. It was up at the top of one of the pages and I saw some articles referring to children and the greiving process. I do hope you are coping as best you can. That's all we can do for now and pray that better days are coming.
Thoughts and hugs to you, Beth

Dear Julie,

I can't add a whole lot of advice to what you've already been given here, but I can say I'm so very sorry for your loss of Frankie. He may have had a short life, but it was a life full of love and happiness. No matter whether we've had a pet for a week, a month, a year, or 20 years the pain we feel when they're gone is overwhelming. From my own experience of losing 2 beloved pets in less than a year, I can tell you that you will heal. You'll always miss Frankie and he'll always have a special place in your heart, but as time passes the excrutiating pain you're feeling right now will be gone and you'll find comfort in all the wonderful memories you have of him.

You're in my thoughts.
Hugs,
Kathleen

I am very sorry to hear about your loss. It's been almost 4 weeks for me and it still hurts very much. The first week was te worst though.

About your cat - I still have 2 cats. One seemed to take the death of my eldest cat okay and was fine (I still don't know if he knows).
Miss Kitty knew the day I took my Diapey to get cremated. Kitty moped for a solid 3 weeks, and it surprised me it took her that long to get over it; I didn't know pets could remember these things for so long. She began to perk up a little each day after that. However, she's still been very restless. I went ahead and got a rescue kitty this past Saturday (that was rescued from some horrible lady who had 35 cats in a dog run & 30 cats in a trailer with no air conditioning or electricity - and I'm in Texas!) because I felt so bad for Miss Kitty.
Also, my 2 remaining cat are standoffish too (and a little grumpy) and I wanted a lap cat. Not to replace Diapey- no pet could ever do that.

anyway, take care of yourself.

-Tammy

So sorry to hear about Frankie. What a little sweetheart!
Know that we are all here for you and that we all understand how much it hurts and what a big hole there is in your heart right now.
Hugs...