My Beloved Bono Options

[gillian]

3 days ago, I lost my much-loved dog Bono. He'd be suffering from heart disease for some time, and on Monday 16th at 5.15pm, I came home from work to find he'd gone into heart failure. 3 hours later he died. I wasn't with him when he died, as the vet had advised me to go home, and when I rang to see how he was, she told me not to come as we were still trying to save him, and seeing me would get him excited. He died anyway ... He was only 8 years old, and my much-loved, much missed little friend. I got him when I was 14, and grew up with him. I can't believe how much this hurts. Below is a poem I wrote for him. My display picture is his beautiful photo.

I wish I could have been there
The hour that you died,
I wish I could have held you
And rested by your side

I wish I could have helped you
And been with you that day,
Instead of coming home to find you
Fading fast away

And how you wheezed and gasped
And shrivelled up in sorrow,
I wrapped my arms around you
Our last day, no tomorrow

And I sobbed as I cuddled you
And told you ‘Mummy’s here’,
And I whispered to you, talked to you
As your fur soaked up each tear

And I’m sorry that all I did
Was fret and moan and cry,
And beg you as you suffered
As I willed you ‘Please don’t die’

And I held you in the car
As we rushed you to the vet,
But part of me already knew
That I was losing my much-loved pet

And as the vet examined you
You looked into my eyes,
And again I whispered ‘Mummy’s here’
I’m sorry that I lied

For I left you all alone with them
Even though you needed me so,
And I didn’t kiss your little head
I just let you go

I’m sure if you could have
You’ve have asked me to stay,
And yet I didn’t listen
Instead I turned and walked away

Selfish beings we humans are
We shrink away and hide,
Yet you have been my special friend
Always by my side
It wasn’t long before you slipped away
Alone, ailing, afraid,
I should have stayed with you
Instead you died, betrayed

Today I saw your little body
I went to say goodbye,
And I wrapped my arms around you
And I swear I thought I’d die

I breathed in your lovely scent
And buried my face in your hair,
And told you over and over how sorry I am
That I had not been there

And as I held your little paw
And stroked your tiny brow,
I felt assured and calm
And I whispered ‘I’m here now’

There was an assuring comfort
To rest there on your side,
There was a sense of ease
To have you there, consoling me
That you were here, you’d always be
And it’s ok, because your pain is gone
And to be strong, and carry on

My beloved Bono; this void is immeasurable.

Gillian

[Shortrish]

Gillian - I am so sorry for your loss. Your beautiful poem brought me to tears. I wrote a similar poem for my cat Scooter. We trust our vets, and you did everything you could. Somtimes, when we are in shock, when our beloved pets are near death, I think we walk in some kind of fog, maybe to try and protect ourselves from the painful truth, that we are going to lose our beloved pet. You had hope that your baby might survive. You were there with him in spirit, and the vet and his staff did everything they could to save him, and they were with him when he passed. I know it is not of any comfort to you, because, after all, we want to be with them to comfot them when they cross. You were able to visit him after though, and hug him. A small comfort to you, but there is no more pain or suffering. It will be rough for you, as you go through the stages of grief, but everyone here, understands painfully, what you are going through. It does help to come and write and talk here. I have written before that the people here have been most helpful, and somtimes, it just helps to write your feelings here. If anything, I learned that the emotions I was feeling and going through were quite normal. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Please, come and write here again, and tell us more about your beloved Bono.

Peace and Comfort to you,

Scooter's Mom

[gillian]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm just tired of people saying 'Let him go', 'move on' 'what about getting another dog?' 'It was his time'. I don't want another dog. I just want Bono back. I want a hug from him again, and I'm riddled with guilt, as I reexamine and reexamine all the things I did or didn't do for Bono. I spent over $12,000 in the past 18 months on treatment for Bono. When he died, he was on 6 tablets a day. Poor baby.

2 days before he died, my friend came round with his dog, and got Bono excited when he was supposed to be resting. His heart was on a knife edge, and that tipped him over. His body started filling up with fluid and he went downhill. If I had been responsible I wouldn't have allowed my friend to bring his dog, and Bono would still be alive.

And I'd got a kitten the week before he died, was trying to bond with her. Bono had been jealous because he wasn't getting as much attention as he normally does. If I could turn back time, I'd have cuddled him more. When I think of all the times, I didn't cuddle him when I could have, as he lay at my feet. When I didn't walk him because I was tired. When I put him outside to get some peace, I'd give ANYTHING for a cuddle from my precious boy right now. How selfish I was then. I'm glad I'm suffering. It hurts so much but I want to suffer in a way. I feel that I deserve this.

[Precious' mom]

What a gorgeous, sweet boy! I am so sorry for your loss. Your poem was so beautiful! Know he's not suffering and not in any pain and is whole and happy, born into eternal life. You will be reunited someday!
You were so good to him. Don't let anyone say you didn't do everything humanly possible to help him. $12 K is a LOT, I spent $1700 in three weeks on my Precious, who died anyway due to cancer and advanced age (he was 19 years 3 days when he died). Vets and specialists are coming close to human physicians, and that is TOO scary!
Do not listen to mindless people who suggest "it's only a dog". They probably aren't pet owners themselves and don't know anything about love! I work around mostly dog owners and they were surprisingly supportive, but then again they knew how attached I was to Precious and that he was almost a surrogate child. I hope you do bond with the new kitten, she will be a comfort to you in the coming days. Losing a pet is one of the hardest things I've ever gone through and I hope it doesn't happen again for a long time. I adopted another cat, Patches, when Precious had only been gone a little over a month. The silence was truly horrible. I think Precious would approve of his new "little brother", an addition but not -- never -- a replacement. I miss Precious but he is still with me in many ways and still gives signs of communication. Our bond will never be broken by physical death!
I will keep both of you in my prayers.
Lisa

[gillian]

It's amazing how much the loss of a pet can hurt us. I feel as though I've lost a child. Bono showed me love and support when the people in my life let me down. I am so proud of him, the frightening death he had, and yet he didn't complain. Just lay in my arms trying to breathe. Then sat good as gold while the vet examined him, looking into my eyes, and cuddling up close to me.

I think coming home from work is the hardest part, and seeing the empty bed and bowl still full of water from when I filled it up on Monday to persuade him to drink. Then I miss the weight of his body on my feet or just bending down for a cuddle.

I got a clipping of his hair, and his collar back. And I'm waiting for his ashes. They say it will be another week ... This is more painful than any death I've ever dealt with. Will it always be this sore?

[JOANNE]

What a beautiful dog Bono was and Iam so sorry for your loss. I lost my almost 16yr Raggs July5th and I know the terrible pain you are going thru now.I did not think I would ever fell alive again as I really felt dead inside but as the weeks passed the freshness of his death improved and I still have my weepy spells and look for him all the time. He too slept at my feet and I think so often I should haved cuddled him more and all the other things. That is a part of grief putting down ourselves for the things we did not do. I wonder sometimes if I put him to sleep too soon but in my heart I knew I did not. My Raggs had conjestive heart failure also but that was not his cause of death> he had a large tumor in his stomach and he could not withstand surgery. I know well meaning people give all kinds of suggestions to try make you feel better but at this time nothing but passing of time will help. I know you feel bad about not being there when he died but he was so sick he probaby was not aware anyway but of course you wish you were there. But it is over and he is at rest. Allow yorself time to heal and do not say much around people who you know won't understand because thay can unwhittingly mke you feel worse I know some of my friend would say "sorry about your dog" with about as much compassion as if I had lost my glove or something.
You will have mixed emotions when you pick up the ashes, I did . When they called from the vet for me to come for them I was crying all the way but when I put them in the very seat that he was lying on for his last trip I felt such a sense of peace, so many times I had gone to the vet and picked him up after many illnesses and
surgery's and he would come home lying on that seat now he was in a urn but at least he is home and I kiss him every moring and night.
The poem was beautiful. Writing down things we have in our hearts helps and keep coming to this site to let out your pain Joanne Raggs Mom

[gillian]

Thank you for your kind words. Ragg was also a beautiful dog. You were lucky to have had him 16 years. I felt Bono died before his time. He only lived half as long as Ragg did. Still, no matter how long they live, their death has the same shocking impact, the same sense of loss, and despair. When I went to say goodbye to my boy, I picked up the bill for him. It was odd to look at it, and see that I was paying for the emergency drugs they gave him, the oxygen, AND the private cremation in the same bill.

I've ordered a beautiful white urn for him, with his photograph, name and 'This Void is Immeasurable' on it. And I made him a little webpage today, and doing a photo album, writing poetry. I'm trying to do so much to honor his life, but I feel I can't do enough.

Below is him playing with his 'brother' Coveu last Christmas. Little did I know it would be my last Christmas with Bono.

Gillian

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[Precious' mom]

I wish all of us on this list could have been prepared for our babies' deaths but there was nothing to be forewarned, it just happened. It's such agony to watch your baby go healthy to ailing to dying so quickly. My Precious went in less than three weeks. Cats have this tendency to hide their symptoms so the onset to me was sudden, even though he had probably lived in painfor several months and hid it from me! I can't be angry with him for that, I know that's an inbred thing cats have (survival of the fittest). And yes the void left after his death was painful, almost unbearable. I felt like I wanted to die (part of me died with him) but knew that was stupid and just said so many prayers for him. It took almost two weeks to get his ashes, and once I had them back I set about having them blessed by a priest (it happened almost two weeks later), and right after the blessing rite it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my soul! I actually smiled for the first time since he died and felt he was still alive in every way but physically. The moment he died he was born into eternal life (animals DO have souls too!) and is whole, happy and free from pain and suffering. I miss him every minute of every day but know we will be reunited someday and that gives me peace!
Lisa

[JOANNE]

That picture is beyound precious. Thanks I love to see the pics even though they are physically not here with us. I keep coming here because it seems as long as I continue taking about Raggs he still alive. This will be a year of first for us Christmas etc but we are not in it alone. The day that Raggs died I felt like Iwas the only person that had lost their pet that day and then I found this site and realized I was not alone. Hang in there
Raggs Mom Joanne

[Daisy's Mommy]

Your poem is beautiful as was your dog. The dog of my childhood also died of heart disease and was at the vet without any family members present. More than 25 years later, I still feel bad that no one was with her. Yet, like you, we were trying to save her and didn't really think that she would die right then. It helps me to remember that her life was more than its end, and its all those moments in between the beginning and the end that really matter. (Although when the dog of my adulthood passed away, I made sure I was there)

As to your feelings that you could have done more, I think everyone feels that way. I know I do. Why didn't I pet Daisy more? Why didn't I walk her longer that day I was so tired? Why didn't I give her one more treat? Why didn't I buy her that toy? Why couldn't I save her life? All these questions, all the feelings of guilt, are just part of the mourning process, in a way distractions from the real feeling - terrible grief at the loss of a dear friend.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Daisy's Mommy

[Emily's Mom]

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Bono is so cute and your poem is so touching. The pain of losing a furbaby is unbearable but remember that he is at the Bridge with all the other furbabies.

Try to remember that he is at peace now and that he wouldn't want you to be sad. While there are no words to take away the pain and the grief, there is guilt either way.

The guilt of having to make the decision and the guilt of not being there. We have all been thru or are going thru the same thing. You are among friends here. Once again, my heart goes out to you

[PanzersDad]

Gillian,

This article has been helping me: Grieving the Loss of a Pet

My guilt has been centered around not accepting the fact that Panzer was dying when it was obvious that he was, and for not holding him as he died. Replaying that last 24 hours of his life has been torturous. I think what you're going through is natural. Scooter's Mom is right:
[quote]Somtimes, when we are in shock, when our beloved pets are near death, I think we walk in some kind of fog, maybe to try and protect ourselves from the painful truth, that we are going to lose our beloved pet.

[gillian]

John (Panzersdad),

Thank you for your kind sentiments. I appreciate it. It means a lot, especially as I have just spent the last hour crying over Bono's little diamond studded collar I bought him last Christmas, and a clipping of his gorgeous chestnut hair which I keep in a concealed bag so his scent still remains within for whenever I need some comfort. There's nothing more comforting to me than the scent of my beloved boy.

This site has been fantastic. My fiancé did cry when Bono passed, but has now got over him, and a few friends said they 'were sorry about the dog dying' ... and now, noone says anything about Bono, and hes only been dead a week. I still haven't got his ashes. I know I was his mum, but it feels like I'm the only person in the world who cares that this beautiful and precious, devoted little dog has just died ... and I feel he deserves more than this. I write him poems, I've just completed a photo album from when I first got him when he was an 8 week old pup, till the last photo which was taken a couple of weeks before he died. I have a framed portrait of him on the wall, with his birth and death dates, and I'm waiting on a beautiful personalised urn coming from America. It's comforting to speak to others who are going through the same ... so thank you.

Panzer was a handsome boy. I'm sorry for your loss ...