I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that we have an appointment later this evening to let our cat, Stinky (formally known as Chloe, but she’s been a stinker so the nickname just took) transition peacefully. She has a mass in her mouth, and two vets have told us that all we can do is make her comfortable. She’s not eating much anymore and seems to be uncomfortable so we decided, after much thoughtful discussion and many tears, that it was time to say goodbye.

Stinky is the last of our four cats-we had her sister, her mother, and another cat, all rescued by my husband. Losing Stinky means the end of an era in our lives, an era that was, quite frankly, in many ways happier than today, and that’s part of why I’m so sad. It was a time when life held more promise, we looked forward to the future in a different way, and we hadn’t yet faced the tragedies, losses, and heartbreak that we’ve more recently endured. Yet throughout those heartbreaks, we had our precious cats, and dog-who we still have- to take care of and they’ve brought us such comfort. I’m so heartbroken and afraid to be without Stinky and her love and companionship, but I’m more afraid I’ll regret it if we don’t let her go peacefully and wait too long, so the decision has been made.

I’m spending today at home, trying to stay present and enjoy her to the fullest. My heart is so very heavy and is breaking, but I have to stay strong for her.

Hi, Kelly, please permit me to offer you and your family my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Stinky. Losing a companion is never easy no matter what the circumstances are or how long we've been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to them so that their sweet Living Spirit can be released from their frail, painful physical body and be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Kelly, I do so understand the agony you are feeling in your heart. I have had to make the same decision for each of my beloved companions. Each precious soul we are blessed to share our lives with has their own special place in our hearts. This grief adjustment journey is both a physical and emotional one - - for it is both your heart and your arms that will long to hold your beloved Stinky just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, - - one more lifetime. The blessing is that the love bond you and your beloved Stinky share is eternal - - her sweet Living Spirit will always be a part of your heart and memories. I hope your family will be a source of comfort to you as your travel your grief adjustment journey. But please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope in some way the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Stinky with us, Kelly. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[quote name='moon_beam' date='Nov 18 2019, 10:45 AM' post='90147']
Hi, Kelly, please permit me to offer you and your family my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Stinky. Losing a companion is never easy no matter what the circumstances are or how long we've been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to them so that their sweet Living Spirit can be released from their frail, painful physical body and be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Kelly, I do so understand the agony you are feeling in your heart. I have had to make the same decision for each of my beloved companions. Each precious soul we are blessed to share our lives with has their own special place in our hearts. This grief adjustment journey is both a physical and emotional one - - for it is both your heart and your arms that will long to hold your beloved Stinky just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, - - one more lifetime. The blessing is that the love bond you and your beloved Stinky share is eternal - - her sweet Living Spirit will always be a part of your heart and memories. I hope your family will be a source of comfort to you as your travel your grief adjustment journey. But please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope in some way the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Stinky with us, Kelly. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam


Dear moon_beam,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind and supportive words and sentiments. The anticipatory grief was crushing, and while I miss her physical presence so much it takes my breath away, her passing was mercifully peaceful, and she was able to transition at home. I keep reminding myself that we released her from her pain because we love her. The house is unbearably quiet now that all of our kitties have passed, but I will hold onto and treasure the memories and tuck them away in my heart forever.
Knowing that the forum is here for just a little while longer makes me sad, but I take comfort in knowing there are people like you here while it is still up and running.
Thank you again,
Kelly

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so glad your beloved Stinky's transition from this physical realm was peaceful, and that she was able to do so in the place she loves the most - - her home surrounded by her family and familiar sights, sounds, and smells. I know so very well from first hand experience how deafening the sound of silence is in your home right now. Scientific studies prove that every living being has an "energy", and when it's no longer present in the family unit - - for whatever reason - - the family unit literally physically feels the effects of the loss. It can also feel like the house itself is grieving the loss. This is one of the many reasons why the grief adjustment journey can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, for your life's daily routines are now changed. You will find yourself thinking, "oh, it's time to get Stinky her dinner, or treats, - - " or whatever your daily activities were and then your heart will remember you no longer need to "do" for your beloved Stinky, and your heart will break anew. But I promise you, Kelly, it won't always be like this. Hopefully as your deep grief eases you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Stinky and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and you might just hear her say in your heart "I'm okay - - I love you always" - - for she has taken a part of you with her to heaven's perfect garden, and she has blessed you with the honor of being her soul, and sole, heir to her eternal love.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often you need us, Kelly.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much, moon_beam. Your words have brought me much comfort. I have people in my life who are very supportive, thankfully, but not everyone truly "gets it" to the extent that you do, or at least they don't express themselves in the same way. It's as if you knew exactly what I needed to "hear". I can't believe it's been 6 days since we let Stinky go. It often feels like it's been ages already, and that makes me so sad. I've been reliving the moments and hours from this time last week, and I wish I could go back and just kiss her one more time. I do still find myself automatically thinking about doing something for her, especially during mealtimes or in the morning, when we had our special bonding time. While I was driving earlier, I almost stopped at Petco to pick up cat food, and when it hit me that I didn't have to, it was one more heartbreaking reminder that she's gone. As difficult as those reminders are, I'm almost dreading when the time comes that I won't have those reactions anymore, because it will mean that I've more fully adjusted to life without her, and there's part of me that honestly doesn't want to, even though I know that's not what she would want. So, I will move forward, one small step at a time, through the grief journey.

Another thing that I'm struggling with is that when we said goodbye to her mother, Mama (at the vet's office back in May), I felt her presence around the house afterward, and it brought me great comfort. I also felt that I was receiving signs from Mama cat that she was ok-more than ok-and that she loved me. With Stinky, it pains me to say that I'm having a hard time picking up on anything, and the lonely feeling is so much more intense. I guess that's because Stinky was our last sweet kitty, and while my husband and I still have Gracie, we miss our cats terribly; they were part of our lives for almost 18 years. I will keep looking and listening, in my heart especially, for signs from her that she's ok and that she loves me.

I hope you're having a nice weekend, moon_beam.

With much gratitude,
Kelly

Hi, Kelly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I do understand so very well how you're feeling. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is very normal deep grief. Clinical professionals are now recognizing that the grief journey for the loss of a beloved companion is the same as for the loss of a human family member or friend. Some people find it helpful to do a memorial scrapbook or video to honor their beloved companion, or make a donation to a local shelter or veterinary clinic or other organization in loving memory of their beloved companion. Some people find it helpful to do a memorial journal which helps them to focus on the many treasured memories they share with their beloved companion.

Kelly, it's quite natural for you to feel concerned about "forgetting" your beloved Stinky. Please believe me when I say this will NEVER happen. Even now in my very senior years I can still recall the precious souls who shared my years as a little girl, and I can still find a mist come to my eyes when I remember the moment in time when they were no longer physically with me. Although we do "adjust" to their physical absence our hearts will always and forever hold dear the memories we have of each of our beloved companions as we continue our earthly journey. In my adult years I still remember being grateful for the privacy of the restroom at work where I could retreat to regain my composure so that I could go back to my desk to resume my work, and at the end of the day getting into my car for the drive home and having the flood gates of gut-wrenching sobbing flow freely from the deep sorrow that had been suppressed all day. So I do know from first hand experience how you're feeling.

I also want to reassure you that at some time, perhaps when you least expect it, you will feel your beloved Stinky close to you. It may be through a particular memory or song that you hear, or perhaps in a dream - - but at some point in time you will feel her close to you to reassure you that her sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, Kelly, just stopping by to see how you're doing. With the physical loss of your beloved Stinky still so new, the holidays can be a challenge. What is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year" can in reality be "the most horrible time of the year." The "first withouts" can be very painful to get through - - the first birthday, first anniversary, first holidays, first vacation, and the list goes on and on. Please know this is all a part of the normal grieving process, and it is important that you allow yourself the opportunity to openly grieve as you need to, even if you have to find a quiet place separate from the "cheerful festivities" to do so. I know so very well from first hand experience how difficult it is to put on what I call the "public face" when your heart is full of sorrow. Please know we are here for you should you need a safe place to share what is in your heart and on your mind.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Kelly. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much, moon_beam. I truly appreciate you checking in and all of your kind words and support. This Monday marks 6 weeks since we let Stinky go, and I'm struggling with missing her presence. I try to talk to her, and to feel her energetic presence, but I just want to see her and kiss her. I'm trying to take care of myself by getting enough sleep and eating well, but that hasn't happened much lately, so my defenses are down so to speak, and I think I'm feeling the loss even more deeply, if that makes sense.

The holidays tend to be somewhat difficult for me, and this year has been no different. This is the first Christmas that we have no cats in the house, and I'm missing them terribly. I still hung their "cats" stocking that my dad (who passed away 3 years ago) gave us, and hung more pictures in the house of all of our fur babies, in the hopes that I'd feel some comfort from them. I'm feeling very alone at times; the "public face" is indeed very difficult to put on when people don't really understand. Knowing that this forum only has a few days left has made me sad too. I'm so grateful for all of the support I've gotten here since we lost our precious Wolfie back in 2012, but I can't help but feel that this is another kind of loss. I've joined the facebook group, and will stay, but I do like this format and will miss it.

I hope you had a wonderful holiday and that all is well by you.

-Kelly

Wasn’t sure if this would post (and I’m not sure if anyone will see it) but I figured I’d try: on behalf of myself and all the precious beings I’ve loved and mourned over the years, thank you to any and all who ran the site, offered support, or did anything to help keep lightingstrike.com up and running. This site was so helpful and has brought me much comfort in my saddest times. Thank you.