The last time I found myself on this forum was a little over 5 years ago when I lost my very first cat, Percy, to renal failure. The members here provided me with a wonderful sense of support and compassion, and I unfortunately am in need of this again today.

A little over 24 hours ago, my husband and I lost our little gray and white fur baby, Thunder. She was Percy's best companion and my husband's little girl. And a little girl she was! She was the runt of the litter and quite a character. When we adopted her 15 years ago, she was a tiny little 3 month old spastic ball of energy. We fell in love with her when we went to her foster family and watched her climb up a table, spaz out over something unknown, and subsequently fall off the table. What really won us over was why she was named Thunder. That tiny little kitty could purr up a storm!

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(Adoption picture)

She lived a very good life with us and was well-loved and doted upon. I know that 15 years is about the average lifespan for an indoor cat, but even that knowledge cannot prepare you adequately for saying goodbye to your beloved pet. In the back of our minds we know that the end would be coming soon. Thunder was already beginning to slow down these past few months, she ate less, and she was getting thin and her fur matted. But then we were surprised this past Friday night when she even refused her favorite foods, chicken (she had a tendency to steal skinless chicken breasts from bowls) and treats. Even jumping onto the bed became a bit more of a challenge for her this past weekend, so we would help her on so that she would be able to snuggle us as we slept through the night. On Saturday night as we settled down to sleep, she took her place on the pillow above my husband's head like normal, but after a few minutes she jumped off the bed and headed into the living room. I got the sense then that something might have been up but kept in the back of my mind that in the past she would return later that morning.

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(Taken the night before Thunder fell ill)

She never did on Sunday morning, but I brushed it off and thought that she decided to sleep under the bed like what she had done in the past. So, I went about my normal business and when I set out fresh food for her and her cat-sister, Holly, I expected to see her come running. Once again, she never did. So, the husband and I started to search for her. There was no way that she could have gotten out, so we checked in every spot imaginable. We ended up finding her under the couch. She had hidden herself and wet herself, and as my husband lifted the couch I picked her up gently and set her down onto a nest of sheets. Her heart was beating a mile a minute, and she meowed sadly up at us. She had actually done a similar thing a few months back and had recovered fully, so we held on to the foolish hope that she would do the same. Even after we had placed her onto the sheets, she kept trying to get up to move into our bedrooms. Every few steps she would just drop down and rest, fully spent. And it continued that way until Monday morning.

We wanted to take her to the vet, but we were having work done in our house and there was no way we were able to reschedule or leave the workmen alone. So, we had no choice but to keep Thunder at home and let her pass on her own terms. On Monday morning, she was still with us but was growing more and more weak. It broke my heart to see her try to stand to make her way over to one of us, only to lose her energy and fall over onto her side with a thud. That's something I'll never forget. We watched her pull her way to the front door to lay down as she stared outside. Our other cat, Holly, even laid next to her and it looked as if they were watching the birds together one last time. The thing is, she and Holly were the biggest "frenemies" ever, but in Thunder's dying moments even Holly managed to show some compassion to her big sister. When the workmen finally came a couple of hours before lunch, Thunder somehow managed to find the strength to bring herself into our bedroom before I could even get to her. We placed Holly in there with her because my husband and I had to watch over what was going on.

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(The very last picture I have of Thunder the day she died, watching the birds with Holly.)

As soon as the workers left shortly after 12, I immediately rushed to the room to check on Thunder. Now, I am a wimp when it comes to death. In a way I was thankful that I was not there when our first cat, Percy, passed away 5 years ago and I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to see Thunder go. As soon as I opened the bedroom door, Holly rushed over to me and let out this meow that sounded like, "Mommy!!" I knew. I walked over to my side of the bed and found Thunder. She was already gone. In a way, part of me felt guilty that neither me nor my husband was there for her to stroke her head as she crossed over. And in another way, I feel guilty about how she suffered like that...but at the same time I wanted her to pass over on her own terms and in a place that was familiar to her. She hated her carrier and the car, which would have been sheer torture to her. My husband and I had our moment with our baby, and he took care of her body. She was wrapped in one of his old shirts so that she could "be with daddy forever" and I had surrounded her with half a dozen fresh plumeria flowers from the tree outside. After instructing me to leave the house, my husband took care of what was left of our baby.

It's been a little over a day since we said our goodbyes and it hurts. I know that it'll remain fresh and raw for a while, much like when we said goodbye to Percy. I've been crying off and on over how much I already miss her, and there have been times when I'd lie in bed and it's like I could still feel her walking on the pillows over our heads. At least I know that she and Percy have been reunited and that she is no longer in pain.

Hi, Thunder's Mom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Thunder. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Your beloved Thunder had the blessing of transitioning from this earthly realm in the place she loves the most - - her home surrounded by the sights and sounds of those she loves the most - - her Forever Mom and Dad.

Thunder's Mom, as you are already too familiar, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions we all experience is guilt / remorse for this comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts when we are so emotionally vulnerable. From what you share with us there is no doubt that you did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Thunder a happy and healthy earthly journey. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Thunder knows that you love her for the love bond you and your beloved Thunder share is eternal - - it is not restricted by the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Thunder's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I truly love her name and I'm smiling at all the wonderful memories you have already shared with us. Hopefully in time you will be able to think of your beloved Thunder and find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and feeling the warmth of all the memories in your heart again.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep sorrow there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Thunder with us, and these wonderful pictures of your beautiful girl. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Thunder's Mom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

moon_beam,

Bless you so much once more for your comforting words and for your wisdom. They are helping to provide me with the comfort and the solace that Thunder's absence has left behind for both my husband and myself. I find myself thinking about her often and the tears cannot stop flowing when I do. Someday I will be able to think about her and not be a crying mess, like how I am able to with my Percy.

I think what makes Thunder's crossing so painful is that today is my husband's birthday. It seems as if so many bad things happened in our lives around what's supposed to be a special day: his grandma died 2 days after his birthday when he was a teenager, my aunt died about 7 years ago on the same day we lost Thunder, and now he lost his baby girl. But there was something that happened earlier today that really got me thinking. The two of us left the house for a little while around lunch time for a little bit of a reprieve. We were just driving along and listening to my favorite radio station when it suddenly went off the air. We changed stations, and it just so happened that the song that was on the other station at the time was about thunder being all around us as well as lightning. The thing is, Thunder had a litter mate whose name was Lightning. I'm someone who believes that those who has crossed over try to communicate with us through the music we listen to. When my grandfather passed on a few years back, I went out for a run to try to clear my mind. Out of all the hundreds of songs on my iPod the song that started to play was, "Don't Cry." What were the odds of that? Likewise, what were the odds of that particular song, which I had never heard before, coming up on the radio after we had gone to a station that I rarely ever listened to? And what time did this happen? Around lunch time--around the time Thunder crossed.

In a way this felt comforting, but at the same time I feel sadness creeping up on me like clouds once more. I know in my heart that Thunder and Percy are both around, but it's frustrating to not be able to see them, hear them, hug them, or even pet them. I'm looking at her collar right now, which my husband removed from her after she had crossed. I cannot help but think that she was a trooper until the very end and that she would want for me to troop onward and be strong.

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Thunder's collar that we removed from her after saying goodbye.

Hi, Thunder's Mom, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Like you, I also believe that in some way our loved ones who have transitioned from this earthly journey find a way to let us know they are still with us - - just in a different way. How special that you heard the song Lightning, and that it gave you some comfort. There is no doubt that this is what your beloved Thunder intended.

I know so very well how you feel when you share with us " it's frustrating to not be able to see them, hear them, hug them, or even pet them." Since we live in a physically oriented world this grief journey is very painful as we adjust to the physical absence of our beloved companions, even though we know they are always and forever a heartbeat close to us.

I can also relate to your observation about the timing of things happening in our lives. The more this happens the more it can make us dread that particular time of year or event that usually happens, such as your husband's birthday. Indeed, the "angel-versaries" can be difficult to endure particularly when the grief is still so very new.

Thunder's Mom, thank you so very much for sharing a picture of your beloved Thunder's collar with us. I know how difficult it is to endure the days during the deep grief, but your beloved Thunder wants you to continue your earthly journey with a happy heart - - which hopefully will return to you and your husband as your deep grief eases. I hope today, and every day, is treating you and your husband kindly, and that you will have peaceful evenings blessed with your beloved Thunder's, and Percy's, sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam