On June 22nd 2016, I adopted 8 week old Apollo. He was a little tiny chihuahua pup. I honestly did not care much for the breed, but somehow his picture on Facebook called to me. I brought the little nugget home & its been such an amazing year. He grew a little, but his size was perfect. He'd snuggle me, touch my lips with his nose for kisses, stood on his hind legs & paw at me, & was just an all around momma's boy. I loved this dog so much. I called him all sorts of names, & I really hardly ever called him by his actual name unless he was in trouble. I called him Paco the most, but when I was feeling really goofy, about 95% of the time, I'd call him my Paco nacho taco doog. My lil chalupa (he looooovvved them).

On July 3rd, approximately 4:30am, the most tragic moment of my life happened. I never expected it. I feel so terrible. It was all my fault. It was dark, it was late, I was tired.. I didnt realize he was RIGHT THERE on the bed. I came down with all my weight. He always stays out of the way. He usually waits for me to get comfortable then gets on the bed to snuggle. He was just laying there chewing his bone. I dont even know what happened. Did my arm/elbow go into his chest ?? It happened so fast, I jumped up immediately as he screamed. He ran around the house crying. I got him to come to me in the kitchen & offered him a treat. He ALWAYS took the treat. This time he just turned his head & refused. I asked "Paco baby what is wrong????" I picked him up & checked his body. No reaction to touching his legs, paws, hips, or shoulders. What did I break ?? Was he just in shock ? Did I just bruise him a little ? I sat in my living room & put him down. He ran screaming suddenly again. What's the matter ??? I called him back over & soothed him, trying to find where he hurt again. Then he slumped against me. I tried comforting him but then he peed. I took him outside to go to the bathroom but as soon as I put him down he started to wobble then fell right over. He tried getting up but then gave up. I was in shock for a moment watching him, my brain blank, & I felt so guilty. Then I rushed over to him, picked him up, & realized his mouth was open & drooling. I sobbed begging him to come back I was so sorry. Momma is so damn sorry she hurt you, come back baby please come back. My friend tried giving him mouth to mouth but it was too late. Within 10 minutes of me falling on my poor baby who trusted me with all of his life... My precious Paco was gone. How was I to keep living without him?? I can't see a future right now. I feel so damn stuck. I miss him so bad. I held him for an hour & a half sobbing, petting his head, begging him to come back, & kissing his forehead. I held him so long that his mouth was cold each time I kissed him. I didnt want to let him go. I didnt want to put him in the ground. I can't believe this happened.

My heart is shattering. I feel like at times I can't even breathe. I feel so guilty & so awful. I just want him back so bad but he'll never come back & that makes me want to scream & cry & makes me all the more angry with myself. What have I done ??? I loved my baby boy so much. I can't believe I did this to him.

Hi, Yeaimemi, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Apollo. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so tragically intensifies the grief.

Yeaimemi, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions we all experiences is guilt / remorse for this comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts when we are so emotionally vulnerable. From what you share with us there is no doubt that you did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Apollo a happy and healthy earthly journey. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Apollo knows that you love him and that what happened was a tragic accident. The gift is that he transitioned from this earthly realm in the place that he loves the most - - his home wrapped in the loving arms of his Forever Mom.

The good news in the midst of all this pain is that the love bond you and your beloved Apollo share is eternal - - it is not restricted by the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Apollo's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Apollo with us, and these wonderful pictures of your handsome boy. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Yeaimemi, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am truly sorry for your loss. Words can't express how bad you feel, I know I did something similar to my cat years ago to this day if feel bad about it. I do realize that I did not mean for it to happen, it was an accident. In my heart of hearts, I believe Apollo knows it and would not want you to feel so awful. This may be what Paco would say to you.

Before humans die, they write their last Will & Testament and give their home and all they have to those they leave behind. If, with my paws, I could do the same, this is what I'd ask....

To a poor and lonely stray I'd give:

My happy home.
My bowl, cozy bed, soft pillows and all my toys.
The lap which I loved so much.
The hand that stroked my fur and the sweet voice which spoke my name.
I'd will to the sad scared shelter dog the place I had in my human's heart, of which there seemed no bounds.

So when I die please do not say, "I will never have a pet again, for the loss and pain is more than I can stand." Instead, go find an unloved dog; one whose life has held no joy or hope and give MY place to him.

This is the only thing I can give...the love I left behind.

Author UNKNOWN


There will never be a replacement of Paco. But honoring his memory by giving a shelter dog the best life a dog could ask for
You have to give yourself time maybe at a later date write a letter to Paco

This is a good website also try this one Petlosshelp.org was created by founder Susan Dowd Stone they have counselors for bereaved pet owners


I will never forget you or Apollo

Dear Yeaimemi,

I am so SO sorry about what happened! This was a tragic ACCIDENT and Paco knows it. Accidents happen each and every day---and some carry way bigger consequences than others. But this does not make it your fault. This story reminds me of the instance where I consoled someone who was doing laundry and hadn't realized her cat had gotten into the washer (until it was too late!!!). And it reminds me of when a neighbor of mine was killed when a the driver of another car fell asleep at the wheel. When tragic events like those happen, we'd do anything to turn back the clock. But instead, we have to find a way to go on.

You gave Paco (Apollo) the most amazing year of love, which is something many animals NEVER know. He's in bliss now and completely understands what happened. The last thing he wants is for you to beat yourself up. If the roles were reversed and it was you who had passed on first, as a result of an unfortunate mistake HE had made, you would not want him blaming himself. That is real love, and that is what Apollo wants for you.

You'll be fully reunited when it is your time. For now, he's a free, blissful spirit--with you and everywhere.

I love what Anitia said about possibly adopting someone in Paco's honor---perhaps the saddest, loneliest animal. If and when you feel ready, your lil chalupa will guide you.

Please keep in touch!

Prayers of understanding and healing coming your way,

Kathy

I thank you all so much for your kind words. They have brought tears to my eyes but it gives me hope. I feel so bad, but yet so angry, & also so very very emotional & lonely. I miss him so much.

I wish I could respond to you each individually but as I'm on a phone its very complicated especially with having very little time due to work. I can't thank you all enough.