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Lightning-Strike Pet Loss Support Forum > Pet Loss Support > Death and Dying Pet Support
Jud
I'm not sure how to do this. I'm just learning. I have horrible depression since the lost of my boy Buck
I have tried everything to stop the depression. I have been seeing a counselor for this. Can anyone else relate? How to cope? I'm lost.
LittleGirl'sMommy
Hi Jud,

I'm so very sorry about the physical loss of your boy Buck! sad.gif This kind of grief is one of the most painful things I've ever experienced.

Please know that Buck is still right there with you---though not in his precious physical form that you are so used to. And it sure is hard to get used to not having that familiar physical presence there. Buck is fine, and when it's your time you'll be fully reunited. but in the meantime he's in a blissful realm with no suffering of any kind.

I'm really glad you found this site. We'll help you through this excruciating time!

I think it was a good idea to decide to see a counselor. Does s/he seem to understand this kind of grief? Do you have other supportive people in your life? Do you have other pets there with you?

I hope you keep in touch here and share anything you feel---about how you're doing / more about your precious Buck, anything. I'll be checking back on here.

Buck wants only the best for you. If the roles were reversed, and it had been you who had passed on, you would want the same for him. wub.gif

Sending you prayers for comfort,

Kathy
P.S. What a precious picture!!
Jud
Thank you Kathy for understanding so well.
I had Buck for 17 years. He was my rock. I suffer from migraine headaches 2-3 times a week. I was never alone while I had my headaches because Buck always knew when I was hurting. He stayed by my side. I have learned to live with the headaches and know that some people have worst things to deal with . I felt safe with Buck being there he had a calming effect for me. I love him so much. I couldn't wait to get home from work to see him. We could just look into each other's eyes and feel the love we had for each other. He was so happy to see me and sad when I had to go to work. I miss him with all my heart and soul. I am married but my husband is not a dog person and in a weird way I think he was jealous of Buck. I felt for many years I had to worry about Buck because my husband just didn't understand the care Buck needed. He wouldn't hurt him in anyway but just wasn't careful with Buck. If Buck would get out the door he would run. One day I took Buck to the groomer and he pulled out of his collar and ran into traffic. I ran after him and was hit by a car. As I fell to the ground I thought for sure he was hit but our eyes meet and he was fine. I was so relieved. In October I found out that he had an enlarged heart and it was pushing on his trachea. I was up with him 3 times a night taking care of him along with my dying father and trying to work. I got really six for 6 weeks because of being run down. I was at the vets office weekly and they told me to prepare myself. I had to work on a Saturday and Buck got really sick. I ask if my husband would take him in to the vet. He wouldn't so I had to cancel my clients and take him. Sunday night I couldn't get his coughing under control. I was up all night with him. At one point around 2 am I put him in the car to take him to the er to have him put down. I pulled him back out of the car and laid with him until 6 am. I was so sick. I called a vet that came to the house that morning and I had to put him down. I feel so guilty because I put him in the car and I pulled him out. If I was only well myself I could have taken better care of him. He took such good care of me. I knew it was getting close that I had to make the decision but I think I made it to soon became I was sick. I wish our last night together would have been better for him. My husband got up at 4 am and asked if I had been up all night. I said yes and I think I have to put him down today. I was afraid to be alone when the time came. My husband asked me who's going with you. I said nobody. He said good luck and left for work. I thought I could do this alone but I called my sister she came and I held him and told him thank you for always being there for me. I told him I loved him as I was sobbing. I wish I could have given him a better good bye and to let him know not to worry about me. I'm so broken. I wish I could do it all over again. I would have done it differently. I have nobody to talk to other than my counselor. I am ashamed to cry in front of others. I have never been in this dark hole and I am afraid I won't come out. I don't know how to go on without my best friend. I sleep all the time and cry all the time. I have no energy or interest in anything. I do have another pom but she's so different than Buck. She is a sweet girl but we don't connect like Buck and I. My sister took care of her while Buck and I were sick.I just got her home and I don't feel close to her.I'm ashamed to say that. I'm sorry for the long post. It really helps to talk about it.
Thank you so much for listening.
Judy
LittleGirl'sMommy
Judy,

I've heard that grief is always part of grief. We think of things we feel we should have done differently. I feel that in your case, you took Buck to the vet at exactly the right time. With his medical conditions as they were, and his getting particularly sick over the weekend (and add his age to all of that), I feel that possibly if you'd waited, he might have become sicker, and the "ending" might have been worse for both of you. It's such a difficult decision, when it comes to the end sad.gif --- I've heard so many stories of people who feel they've taken their pet too soon or too late. I really think you timed it right, which in my own experience and from what I've heard, is so rare. There's no way we can truly know. But Buck's well-being was always your priority, and he knows that. wub.gif

What an unbelievably excruciating night you had on Sunday night! I kept re-reading in horror. Trying to get his coughing under control... you were sick yourself... then the 2 AM incident--which in my mind was a loving, selfless thing on your part. As sick as you were yourself, you just had to have Buck out of any misery! And then you had more time to rest together. I am so very glad that your sister was there for you. It's nice that she lives nearby. Will she be a continued support for you?

About wishing that you had given him a better good-bye ... You gave him the perfect good-bye, telling him you love him (which he has always known and still knows and always will). And although it was a "good-bye" he is still right there with you. He's your Angel Buck and he's not gone. He just wants you to be okay. wub.gif

Something that's helped me at similar times has been to write a letter to the one who has passed--telling them all the things I want to express. It somehow helps me to feel that connection and to know they hear me. Then, I've written a letter "from" them, and I see what they are trying to say to me, that they're fine and they have always felt my love, and, most importantly that there's nothing to forgive. They just want me to be okay.

I was horrified to read of the time that Buck got out and you got hit by a car!! Wow, I am glad you were okay! Your main thought, as you fell to the ground, was of Buck. : )

And it is SO difficult to keep working when the grief makes it so that we can barely function. I don't know how you coped with taking care of both Buck and your father, having the frequent migraines, and ... working!! It certainly explains why you became so sick.

I wish your husband could understand what you're going through. It's sad that he doesn't really seem to be an animal person. sad.gif Can he offer any support to you, even in a small way? I'm glad you have your counselor and your sister. And you always will have us.

Possibly in time, your other pom will come to be a support for you. Were she and Buck close? Does she seem to be grieving? I've heard many other grieving pet parents say that they don't feel as close to a remaining pet. Sometimes that bond grows and it can be helpful to both the person and the pet.

I hope you continue to write. Sending prayers for you. I know this is hard!

Hugs and understanding,

Kathy
moon_beam
Hi, Judy, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Buck. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Judy, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal - - when you share with us "I have never been in this dark hole and I am afraid I won't come out. I don't know how to go on without my best friend. I sleep all the time and cry all the time. I have no energy or interest in anything." EVERYTHING you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief. As our forum friend Kathy has so comfortingly shared with you, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time one moment at a time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure. But I promise you it will not always be this way. One day - - very likely when you least expect it - - you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Buck and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will fill with the warmth of the many treasured memories you and your beloved Buck share. And this is what your beloved Buck wants for you - - but he knows it will take time for your heart to heal from the deep grief of adjusting to his physical absence. Which is why he has led you to this wonderful forum where you can share with us whatever is in your heart and on your mind - - whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us - - with people who truly do understand what you are going through and who are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved Buck is excruciatingly painful. We live in a physical world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Every time our companions rub / lick / kiss us they are literally chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the other people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels we literally go through a chemical withdrawal from their imprint, and this is one of the many reasons why this grief adjustment journey is so very painful. Scientific studies show that the tears we cry are literally healing tears for they literally wash the toxins from our bodies that build up from the stress of grieving. So it is very healthy that you allow yourself the opportunities you need to openly grieve for your beloved Buck even if you need to find a private place away from other people to do so.

Judy, there is no doubt from what you share with us that you did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Buck a happy, healthy earthly journey. There really is no way we can "prepare" ourselves for that moment in time when we must make the decision to ease our companion's transition journey from their earthly body to the company of the angels. Each of us who have had to make this decision have always wondered "did we wait too long - - did we decide too soon." This is a part of the grieving process. One of the many things you need to remember is that you and your beloved Buck share a love bond that is eternal, and your beloved Buck is forever grateful for everything you did for him during his earthly journey -- he is eternally grateful to have you for his Forever Mom. And because you gave him your heart unconditionally, you are now his sole, and soul, heir to his eternal love. His sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I do know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Buck with us. He is adorable. I can perfectly understand how you feel about your surviving companion when you share with us "I do have another pom but she's so different than Buck. She is a sweet girl but we don't connect like Buck and I." Your beloved Buck needed your care and attention more because of his medical challenges, so naturally the bond you have with Buck is closer. Buck knows you now need the love and comfort of his house mate, and perhaps now is the time for you and your other Pom to get acquainted with one another. No, the bond you have with her will not be the same as it is with Buck - - it isn't meant to be. But in comforting Buck's house mate you may also be comforted by her - - and begin to find a special unique relationship with her.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Judy, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Buck's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
My Doxie and Me
Hello Buck I was just passing by when I came across your heart felt story;...
Mr. Buck the lose of a friend brings a heightened sense, as we watch time stand still; and wait for are best friend;.
to walk around every corner...At home... at work;.. we watch for a sign as are heart Ask;s for forgiveness.....
Click to view attachment
<Heart Felt Words to a Special Friend>
I told him I loved him...
I wish I could have...
I wish I could do it all...
I wish are last night together...
I am ;.. to cry in front...
I have never seen such Dark;...

















The true gift of a friend as we hold them...After life are tears... are nothing more then a special Language as they sit by are side;.. as they are
sad to see us cry for such a beautiful life we once;...
Click to view attachment
Jud
Click to view attachmentI feel so blessed to have found such wonderful people here.I can't begin to tell everyone Thank You for taking your time to care. I read your replies over and over because I find so much comfort in them. The more I read the more I do understand that Ihad to make the decision for Buck and I did it out of pure love for him. I ask myself where did I find the strength to go through with it. It was a very strange feeling I had when the time came. I was not the one in control. It's really hard to explain. I felt like something gave me the strength to let Buck go. I find such comfort knowing he will always be my angel. I really miss him so much. This is a horrible roller coaster. One minute I'm thinking with sense and the next minute it makes no sense.
I keep telling myself that the pain is so worth the 17 years I had with Buck.
I did something different today and that was taking my sweet girl Pom Bobbie to a dog park that I have never been to. She played in the grass and I found myself laughing at the cute things she did. We made our own memories. When we settled in she wanted on the couch and laid next to me. She put her little paw on my leg. I felt a connection. She made my heart smile. I know she misses Buck too. Today was a good day. I just can't express how grateful I am that I have found this group. Thank you from my heart. I know I will have my good days and bad days but I am looking forward to the day I can remember Buck with a smile.
I want to share a picture of my sweet girl Bobbie. Today was a good day. Tomorrow is a new day.
Elleode
I feel exactly the same after the loss of my beautiful cat who I had a very special connection with. I am so depressed I have never been this bad and I have been through some tough times. I have to take each day as it comes and be strong for my children but I cry when I need to let it out. I have a little dog maggie who is trying to comfort me so I am glad to hear you have another little friend to focus on. It's so hard and I don't think a lot of people understand the close relationship you can have with your pet. I am too grateful to find this site as I felt I was really near the edge and could have possibly tipped over to a complete breakdown. I too felt I should have done this and that and keep replaying it all but I have to let go as it won't change what has happened. I am not sure I could ever get another pet again as the pain is so bad. I had to take a week off work as was so inconsolable. They bring so much love and light to our lives. You are not alone, big hug to you.
LittleGirl'sMommy
Oh Judy,

It did my heart good to read your letter. I think I understand what you were saying about not being the one in control when you found the strength to let Buck go. Everything you did was out of pure love. wub.gif

I LOVE that you and your Bobbie went to the dog park smile.gif and that you laughed at the cute things she did and made some new memories. The best part was when you were on the couch together and she put her little paw on your leg and ... you felt a connection. wub.gif That made me smile.

You and Bobbie will get through this with each other's support. This journey is sure not easy, and we need each other.

I hope you continue to share with us how you are doing.

Thinking of you and Bobbie today,
Hugs,
Kathy
P.S. She is so adorable!
moon_beam
Hi, Judy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing this wonderful picture of your precious Bobbie with us. She is sooooo adorable. I too am glad to share your news that you and Bobbie have made a connection with one another, and am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that you will enjoy a long, happy, healthy earthly journey together.

We find the strength to make decisions from the love we share with our companions. We as their human guardians do not want to see them suffer for any reason under any circumstances. Our hearts know when their bodies can no longer comfortably sustain their physical presence, and so we find the strength and courage to make the decision to ease their transition journey from this earthly realm even when our hearts are breaking under the deepest burden of sorrow. Your beloved Buck is eternally grateful to you for everything you did for him during his earthly journey, and is eternally blessed to have you for his Forever Mom.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Judy, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Buck's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Lena
I read your posting and although didn't actually reply. I did send you mail. I felt like I knew exactly what you were/are going though. So happy to hear it was a good day for you yesterday!
Jud
QUOTE (Lena @ Mar 31 2016, 12:08 PM) *
I read your posting and although didn't actually reply. I did send you mail. I felt like I knew exactly what you were/are going though. So happy to hear it was a good day for you yesterday!


Thank you Lena
I just sent you a message I hope you got it.I'm new at this kind of stuff and not sure if I'm posting right.
Judy
Jud
Hello Everyone!
I just wanted to check in and let you know how I am doing. I have had some very good days and some very bad days. I keep reading your posts because it brings so much comfort to me. The last two days have been very difficult for me and I'm not sure why. I'm back to crying and missing Buck terribly. I think about spring being here and wishing he could enjoy the beautiful sunny days we are having. I know he would love to see the grass because we had such a hard cold winter. I have thought of getting a tattoo of him or his paw print. This is a huge decision because it will be there forever. I want him forever. What are your thoughts on getting a tattoo? I keep searching for animal communicators. I want so bad to know Buck is OK. I don't know if I believe in this or not. I have an open mind. Today has been tough but Bobbie is by my side. I have noticed she comes and lays next to me. She was never a snuggler but I think she feels how I am feeling. I hope everyone is well.
Hugs
Judy
My Doxie and Me
Hello Jud What a Honor to Wear The Paw of Friendship;)..
Click to view attachment
I must warn you... Follow the steps to Honor your friend with clear mind...

Are friends walk behind us in life;...
To make sure we hear every last word they have to say...
With Grief it's hard to hear are friends soft voice speaking...


Pommania Pomeranians
Zoe Louise
<Beyond The Rainbow>

As much as I loved the life we had and all the times we played,
I was so very tired and knew my time on earth would fade

I saw a wondrous image then of a place that's trouble-free
Where all of us can meet again to spend eternity.
I saw the most beautiful Rainbow, an on the other side
Were meadows rich and beautiful - lush and green and wide
And running through the meadows as far as the eye can see
Were animals of every sort as healthy as could be
My own tired, failing body was fresh and healed and new
And I wanted to go run with them, but I had something left to do..
I needed to reach out to you, to tell you I'm alright
That this place is truly wonderful, then a bright glow pierced the night
"Twas the glow of many candles, shinning bright and strong and Bold
Click to view attachment
And I knew then that it held your love in it's brilliant shades of gold.
For although we may not be together in the way we used to be
We are still connected by a cord... no one can see...
So whenever you need to find me, we're never far apart
If you look beyond the Rainbow and listen with your Heart..
<Insert .... ....words>



















Please forgive my Thought's as I walk on the edge of tears for a Friend... As we dance on the wings of...
As you speak with your heart as Mr. Buck lay's by your side at night to kiss your tears..
We can speak with are friends and have one more walk in are dreams;....












<Hello Buck>
<Insert Day in the Life of...>
<Thank you>
































Vincent - Her
MrSuicideSheep
<YouTube>;)






































Mr. Buck I can not say i'am sorry... As you are the candle that lights a Humans Heart as tears...
Click to view attachment
I will watch a Beautiful waterfall that tells a story of a forever Friend...
LittleGirl'sMommy
Hi Judy,

What a beautiful heart-pawprint ! I think a tattoo is such a personal decision. I have known people who have gotten them for meaningful reasons such as the loss of a loved one, and it seemed to be a comforting thing. I bet with a little time to sit with the idea, the right answer for you will come.

The only time I ever spoke with an animal communicator, she didn't seem to know her stuff---but that was just one individual. But, I still believed, and I know, that my departed sweethearts are just fine. wub.gif

I am glad you are keeping in touch. Thinking tonight of you and Bobbie--and of course, Buck. wub.gif

Kathy
moon_beam
Hi, Judy, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is a very normal part of this grief adjustment journey when you share with us "I have had some very good days and some very bad days. . . The last two days have been very difficult for me and I'm not sure why. I'm back to crying and missing Buck terribly." Just when we think we have "turned a corner" in our grief adjustment journey "something" happens that brings back to feeling the intensity of our sorrow again. The good news is that eventually the intensity of these moments will ease. This is the first spring of your "first without" your beloved Buck so it is perfectly normal that your heart is filled with sorrow. The good news is that his sweet Living Spirit IS with you still enjoying the grass that gave him such pleasure during his earthly journey - - for he is forever with you in your heart and memories, Judy - - he is forever a heartbeat close to you.

As for a tatoo, I totally agree with our forum friend Kathy's comment that a tatoo is a very personal decision. If you do get a tatoo be sure to use a licensed / accredited one for health and safety reasons. Some people find an animal communicator helpful in their grief journey - - but again you need to be careful about who you select. Whatever you do about a tatoo or animal communicator please let us know how things go - - whatever you would like to share with us.

Thank you so much for sharing with us your beloved Buck's beautiful pawprint. I know you treasure this. I hope today is treating you and your precious Bobbie kindly, Judy, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Buck's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
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