My beautiful little girl Taffy passed one week ago today, suddenly and unexpectedly from cancer. I miss her so, so, so much :*(((((( Words cannot possibly describe how much, but I know all of you understand. She was with me for 12 years. We spent almost every minute together, she was my constant companion. She was there through a very dark period of my life and I can honestly say that she kept me going when I didn't want to.
I feel so much guilt that I didn't take her to the vet sooner so that they might have caught the cancer and saved her :*(((((((( Maybe I am just being hard on myself, maybe there was no way to save her. It was malignant and had attached itself to all of her internal organs and I had no idea until it was too late :*(((((((((( I always thought in my mind that she would live to be about 15, I don't know why I fixated on that so much, but I just always thought I had more time with her. We never even got to say goodbye. She was whisked away by the vet when he found the tumor to have tests done, and later called to ask if they could operate. Of course I said yes. He told me the tumor was just on her spleen and that it could be removed and that there was a very good chance that it was benign and she would be cured. I was so relieved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
About an hour later, I got a call from a different vet who was performing the surgery. There was something in her voice...then she slowly started telling me that there was no way to save Taffy. That they would have to put her to sleep then and there on the operating table, and that there was no way I could even go to see her first, because if they waited she would start to struggle under the anesthesia. I had to go to the vets and say goodbye to her afterwards :*((((((((((((((((((((((((((
I love her so much, I am beyond grief stricken with this loss. I also feel guilty because there are times when I just want to go on rescue websites to try to find another dog just to try to stop this pain, to fill this Taffy sized void in my heart. I know I'm nowhere near ready for that, and I feel so guilty that I'm even thinking about it. Like Taffy is just replaceable to me, when there will never be another Taffy. It is also unfair to the other dog, because he or she is their own little being and shouldn't be compared at all, just loved for who they are.
Thank you for hearing my grief.