I am not able to stop the tears they keep coming off and on and I can not sleep. I told my little grandbaby Chili Bean the doctor man was going to fix her up and she would be fine. I did not know she had cancer, but I feel as though she might think I lied to her, because I had to have her put to sleep after I told her she would be fine.

Guilt eats at my soul day and night I loved that little girl with all my heart. I kept her at my house often throughout her life and she spent the last 9 months with us. My husband and took her on vacations with us. She was just like my baby too and she trusted me for the past 10 years.

I feel like I can not forgive myself and I wonder does my son blame me for telling him I would have the doctor fix her up. He said he understands but does he really or does he think I thought it was something terrible and just didn't want to tell him.

I had to bring her little lifeless body home. It broke his heart and he nearly doubled over crying so hard when he saw Chili Bean and when we put her in the ground.

Why couldn't I have just said I will go see what the vet thinks is wrong with her. I knew something was wrong and yet instead I spoke from my heart because I didn't want anything bad to be wrong with her. But it was and she died in my arms and I could not think of anything but her at the time, all the while telling her how much I loved her and how sorry I was.

Sometimes I think I hear sounds of small feet walking in my home and my imagination gets stirred up and I wonder did she come to haunt me. Does she hate me now or does she still love me or did I hurt her to much because she did not live when I told her she would be just fine in no time.

Forgive me my little Chili Bean I am so sorry. I had no way of knowing you would not make it. I love you and miss you so much. I am so so very sorry sweet baby. Grammy loves you.
Chili Bean 11-05-94 to 11-11-04

Ann, I've been there with the guilt.

When I dropped Luba off at the vets I thought she'd ingested something nasty. I thought she'd need surgery or medication, and that she'd be fine after. I told her to "be a good girl, it's ok I'll see you soon."
What utter BS that turned out to be. She died within 48 hours. Congestive heart failure.

It doesn't do us any good to blame ourselves though. If we'd known how sick they were, we would have acted differently. BUT WE DID NOT KNOW! Your baby knows that too. We aren't vets. We aren't psychic. We do our best for our friends, but sometimes they just get sick.

Your baby knew that she was loved by you.

Ann, I had just written how I was feeling today, the guilt. When I came back on line i see you are having that kind of day also. You did what you had to do, the time had come, and it was what was best, she could'nt breath, i wish we had that choice with some of our suffering human companions. I remeber watching my father trying to breath in his final days, it was horrible, I remeber wishing they could just give him a shot and stop his suffering... I made that decision a for Moose, but you know what? it just kills me that I could'nt go say goodbye to him, even now the thought of it cringes my inner being. you see i had always promised him in quiet moments that if anything happened like that I would be there, but that was easy with him in my arms, when the time came i just could'nt and i know he needed me. I'm glad you had the means to take care of Chili and she did'nt have to suffer without being able to breath. Pamela

Ann,

I believe with all my heart that sweet Chili Bean is in bliss.

>>>"Does she hate me now or does she still love me or did I hurt her to much because she did not live when I told her she would be just fine in no time. "
She does NOT hate you. She loves you, and she IS fine---she's without suffering of any kind.

It was a heart-wrenching situation, but you did the right thing. You did.

Please keep in touch. Sending you prayers of comfort,

Kathy

Hi Ann,
I know this journey all too well, it's one of the biggies of the grief process. If you haven't done so, read all the "grief" support articles on the main page of LS. I read and re-read them as I couldn't fathom all the feelings I had and was this a "normal" part of this PAIN.

Your Son does not blame you. You are the most loving Grammy and Mom, you only did what was right for Chili Bean, even though I know how hard it was and THIS is!

How is Snookie? Remember she is here and really needs her Mommy. I know when I was sad it would really upset Dieter. Try to not beat yourself up. What you are feeling is part of the grief and something you must go through to come out on the other side, but at the same time your Snookie needs you to feel better so you can enjoy your time together.

Keep writing, it really helped me to just "get it out" and then I could deal with it.
thinking of you
Libby

Friend, you know in your heart Chilibean would & does forgive you. Dogs are that way. I know what you are feeling, as I had to put my beloved cat Whitie to sleep not long ago, & the guilt was terrible! I had to forgive myself, tho I know I did what had to be done for his own good, & I know Whitie would understand & forgive me too. But I understand your hurt & pray it will soon get better!!!!

I want to thank everyone for all your kinds words to help me get through this terrible time in my life. You have all been so wonderful helping me try to deal with Snookie and her coming death but also with Chili Bean. One of the members tried to help me understand more about putting a baby to sleep. But I didn't not fully understand until I had to do it. Nor did I know how soon I would have to live through such a heartbreaking thing.

My little Snookie girl is so sick tonight, she can not eat and has been moaning, panting and breathing so hard. The only time she has moved is when I give her a bowl of water every little bit. I have been up the whole night with her holding and loving her and speaking sweet loving words to her.

My daughter thinks Snookie is mourning and has a broken heart for Chili Bean, but I think she may be near the end of her time. My sweet baby has been looking at me with pleading eyes and it cuts me down to my soul.

For all of you who pray, please pray for my baby girl. I don't know how I can face another death so soon. I feel so hopeless as I watch my precious little girl suffer.
Ann

Ann,

I'm so sorry for all you are going through right now. I'm sure it seems like you'll never get through it, but you will. Don't blame yourself for little Chili Bean...there was nothing you could have done. I'm sure that he was glad to have his grammy by his side. I told my sweet baby that she was going to feel better after her needle ...and I'm sure she does. I didn't lie to her...thinging of her in a place where there is no sickness and no pain where she can run again makes me smile...and I bet she is smiling back.
Keep loving Snookie with all of your energy...you are making her feel better just by being there for her.

I wish there was more I could say to help ease your pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Hang in there,
Kristie

Ann, I know exactley how you feel. I left Bronte at the vet withthe illusion or delusion that all would be well. Your going to feel guilt if you had left him in pain, feel guilt if you didn't notice that he was sick until it was too late, feel guilt for hanging on too long, or not hanging on long enough. It's part of healing. A long hard and painful part. I had a dream that Bronte would have been okay if I had held on a lttle longer. I actually woke up convinced of that fact. Then I slowly remembered, she didn't know I was there. she neourologically was not going to make it. All the signs that I recognize with humans at their end, I could see in her. Now regarding does your baby hate you...Everything I've ever read, heard, or have believed (and I'm the least religious person around)...is that when souls pass on they are happy, at peace, and very loving of the people that took part in their lives. Never have I heard of a soul well loved that harbored ill-will on anyone. You gave years of love, understanding, and comfort. That is what your darlings remember and will remember when they pass on. It's just going to take a while for you to remember that too. Big hug, April

PS I hope your Snookie is doing better.