Two days ago, on my way home from a long drive with the dogs, I stopped at the top of our long drive way to let them out of the car to run alongside as we sometimes have done in the past. Their joy is contagious and so beautiful. It was the most stupid thing I've ever done. Within 5 sec, Zephyr somehow ran under or in front of the car. I never saw. I just thought I hit a rock, then I looked for him and only saw him collapse in the dirt. I scooped him up and rushed him to the vet, but he was already gone. Gone! My most beloved friend, my only true friend. The sweetest and most loving presence anyone could ever know. I had taken him all over the world, even Kenya, with me. We were inseparable. He never left my feet. I work at home so he was a constant loving presence all day, every day. Always snuggling and full of joy. How could I have ended all that life and love? I hate myself. I don't know how to keep living. He was the love of my life. And, it was all my fault. Maybe no one here will even want to respond because you will think I am the worst person in the world. I am! I can't stop thinking of those last few minutes. He trusted me and I betrayed him. I can't tell you how painful this is. I can't stop crying. I haven't been able to eat or sleep since it happened. I am bereft. Everything reminds me of him and then reminds me of the accident. I can't go outside. I don't know how life can continue. Everything is empty and hollow. I am empty and hollow. This being that I poured my love into for seven years is just gone. What am I going to do? I can't bear this pain.

OMG, my heart just stopped at this most painful news! I'm so, so sorry. I so very well understand the blame and guilt you feel. I'm so very sorry for your loss! You are in the right place for support. A moderator, moon_beam, will definitely be here soon to support you and she will not leave your side.

If and when you can, spend some time reading on this site. Everyone here has suffered loss, of all kinds. It will give you comfort to know you are not alone.

((((HUGS))))

Thank you Monique. It means so much to receive any kind of comfort, understanding for this most unfathomable, terrible tragedy. And to find a community of others grappling with the loss of their beloveds. Thank you.

Dear zephyr's mom,

Oh my goodness tears were coming down my cheeks as I was reading your story. Let me start by saying my heart is totally hurting for you right now. I cant even imagine how crush you must be feeling now for the loss of your beautiful baby. Please dont blame yourself for this it was never your intention to hurt your own baby. Unfortunately accidents happen an sometimes theirs nothing we can do to stop them. I know our babies our always happy an full of energy when they are outside so they always run into things without them knowing its going to hurt them. You are not nor ever will you be the worst person in the world. Please dont think that way nobody in here is going to think that about you never in a million years. Everyone in here is not here to judge you of nothing we are not perfect an we alwaya make mistakes somehow. But in the case of your baby it was not your fault you were her mommy an it was never your intention to kill her. I know your baby zephyr's doesn't blame you either hwe know how much loved an care ypu had for him that he will always be grateful for alway. Im so sorry you are feeling so hurt an I completely understand you. But dont ever thing that nobody is going to respond to you for you being such a horrible person because we will not think that way at all. Instead we are here to help an support one another because everyone in here has experience some type of loss in the past or recently.Im still kind of new here so Im still hurting myself but eventhough Im still in the grief process I like to offer my support to other people that needs it. It makes me feel a little bit good an I know my little baby girl wherever she is now she is so happy for me knowing that her mommy is providing sympathy to others hurting to. I know my words can't be of much help right now to you because of the way you are feeling now, but I just want you to know that you are not alone that I will always be here for you as much as you need me maybe it will help both of us if we stick together an be able to share our experiences with one another.

I will like to offer you my positive thoughts an letting you know I will be thinking of you today an always. Take care of yourself an always remember that love never ends.

Hugs to you,

~ Mayra


Princess mommy ♥♥♥♥ (now Blanca's mommy)

Dear Mayra,
Your message has touched me so deeply and in a moment of such need. Thank you for your reassuring and loving words, for reaching out. I will try to hear them when I can't get out of the loop of self-hatred. Your precious princess would be very proud that you are certainly carrying her love into the world and giving to others like me who are so lost in the pit of sadness, guilt and despair. Thank you for that. I wish you warmth and peace in your grieving process as well. Lia (Zephyr's mom)

My heart was in my mouth reading your story. Not because I think you're a terrible person, I absolutely do not. One of my greatest fears is that one day I will run over one of my animals.

A few years ago, when I had dogs, I also used to let them run in the road. I live in a small residential street that is a dead end (cul-de-sac), only has houses on one side and has farmland and a country park at the other. I used to check the road was clear, then let the dogs out to run straight across. One day, one of them started messing about in the road. he was running back and forward, running in circles and ignoring my calls for him to get out of the road. A car turned in, saw him and stopped. Leo ran back towards me so the driver started moving again. Just as she did, Leo ran back into the road and straight into the side of the car. I screamed, the driver screamed but Leo ran off into the field and carried on as if nothing had happened. He then started barking impatiently as he wanted to get on with the walk but I was busy calming and reassuring the driver!

The car was moving at slow speed but even so, if he had run into the front of the car instead of the side the story would have ended differently.

Three weeks ago I lost one of my cats. It was sudden and probably caused by something toxic. He was an indoor/outdoor cat.

I could beat myself up over these incidents but I don't. After the car incident I put my dogs on leads while crossing the road. I could react to the loss of Horace by trying to keep my cats inside. However most of my cats and Leo came to me after living wild. I believe in respecting the inner nature and personality of my companions while keeping them as safe as I can (I moved to my current house after a previous cat companion was killed by a car).

There is an article by someone called Christine Kane. I thought the link was on this site but I can't find it so here it is On Losing a Beloved Pet

One thing I've found myself starting to come to terms with is that no matter what any of us do, we cannot prevent everything. There was one line in that article that has really stuck with me - "You find your pet, you love your pet and you do the best you can. That's all you can do."

Your love and regard for Zephyr really stands out in your post. I can picture him joyfully running around and enjoying every minute of his life. He died while loving his life. I don't know if you believe in an afterlife. I do and I do not believe for one moment that he is blaming you. I do not blame you. All you did was let him do something that made him happy. You couldn't possibly have known that he would run under the car.

I am so sorry for your shock and pain. The week after Horace died I couldn't eat or sleep and found it almost impossible to leave the house (I had to because my other cats wanted to eat). All I could do was keep breathing. I was fortunate in that i have been seeing a counsellor for other issues. I turned up in tears the first session after he died. The counsellor pointed out to me that I wasn't just dealing with grief; there was trauma involved too. It is the same for you.


Do you have anyone around who can support you at this difficult time. I'm concerned to think that you are trying to deal with this alone.

The blog on pet loss by Christine Kane is on this site. I posted it to this section and it was moved and pinned here: http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=7207. I have also added it back to this section.

It is the singularly most on point grief support I have read. I found it after I lost my Molly in Jan. I keep it near and read it often.

I wish you kindness in your healing.

Hi, Zephyr's Mom, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Zephyr. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so tragically intensifies the grief.

Zephyr's Mom, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Unfortunately guilt / remorse is one of the emotions ALL of us experience during the grief journey, and it is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile because it comes from looking back and trying to reconcile the "whys" and "if onlys" that haunt our heart and soul when we are emotionally vulnerable.

Please let me add to the comforting words already shared with you by Monique, Mayra, and Vanaja: In NO WAY are you the most horrible person for what happened with your beloved Zephyr. Since your companions had enjoyed this activity many times in the past there was no reason for you to think or anticipate that anything would be different this time. "Something" unpredicably changed your beloved Zephyr's behavior that particular moment - - which has resulted in your broken heart and feelings of guilt. The truth is - - it is NOT your fault - - nor your beloved Zephyr's. When we embrace our companions into our hearts and home, our lives are changed for the better. Unfortunately we do so without the privilege of foreknowledge as to when and how they will precede us to the angels. If we did have this foreknowlege we would then be faced with making a decision that would prevent them from having a loving Forever Home and prevent us from the blessing of their undivided attention and unconditional love.

Your beloved Zephyr KNOWS that you love him with all your heart and would move heaven and earth to keep him safe, healthy, and happy. Hopefully in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Zephyr loves you now as he always has and always will. For love is eternal, Zephyr's Mom - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Zephyr's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey now as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know from first hand experience of different circumstances that this has been a very traumatic tragic experience for you, Zephyr's Mom, and the memory of this event will always be a part of you. But I promise you that your beloved Zephyr does not want you consumed by the tragic events but rather wants you to focus on the many treasured memories you and your beloved Zephyr share. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us to help you through your grief adjustment journey.

I also know that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still, I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Zephyr with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Zephyr's Mom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am so very sorry to hear such devastating news. Your sadness is the worst sadness to experience. You are not alone. My dog left me tragically two days ago and I'm in hell. I'm so sorry to know so many tragic events fold daily to our furry soul mates. Lots of love and care!

Augustus

Dear Zephyr's Mom.

I am so very sorry about your loss. Such a terrible tragedy. And by no means your fault. Unfortunately accidents happen. That doesn't make you a terrible person. I know it hurts so much though. I know how much it hurts to lose your best friend so tragically. We lost Lily six years ago, suddenly. Losing Lily broke my heart and she most definitely took a huge piece of it with her. I miss her every second of every day and wish that I could hug her again. I couldn't breathe for weeks after losing her.

Moonbeam is the wisest of the wisest! She knows exactly what to say. I've spent a lot of time here on this website. I found it eight months after losing Lily and just a week before we had to say goodbye to her sister Hunny. I found it to be very helpful and comforting. I still do. I don't come back as often anymore, but once in a while just to write to my beloved angels.

Anyway, take care and please do not blame yourself. I know it is hard, but it wasn't your fault - it was an accident.

Lynette.