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Monique
I keep this near and refer to it often. I've read all the comments. They, too, offer support. You are not alone.

http://christinekane.com/on-losing-a-belov...p.WxXiIKF1.dpbs.

On Losing a Beloved Pet

Written by Christine Kane, May 22nd, 2009

ďRelationships are forever. They are eternal. Not just permanent in this lifetime. Once you establish a relationship, it is an eternal relationship.Ē Ė Abraham-Hicks

Years ago I was at a workshop, sitting in a circle of women. One of them was grieving a death in her family, expressing anger and isolation.

She said, ďÖand you know what? If one more of my idiot girlfriends acts like she knows what Iím going through and shares some dumb-ass story about when her stupid dog or cat died, Iím going to explode.Ē

Of course, that anger wasnít the truth of who she is. Anyone who has experienced grief knows that she was probably just trying to mask her intense sadness. Anger pretends it can do that.

For some reason, though, I thought of that woman at 1am this past Tuesday.

Atticus, who had been my special pal for 13 years, finally passed away after a long hard final week of a five-month illness. Silently, I assured that woman Ė wherever she is now Ė that my heart was shattered enough to satisfy even her needs.

Even though Mr. Patticus weighed in at only 4 pounds at his passing, I felt the grief of a hundred tons of spirit. After all, the sadness of letting go has so little to do with these earthly issues ó like weight and form, or human and pet. Itís a matter of the heart. And thank goodness, our hearts donít know such limitations.

Iíve been so touched by the number of people who have stopped their busy lives to share their stories when they found out about my beloved kitty. I love how common we all are Ė even the most stoic or the most mental among us can share with stunning detail an instance when they lost a dog, or a cat, horse or bird.

When a treasured pet dies, you may find yourself going through a kind of mental gymnastics Ė most of which is just a feeble attempt at distracting you from what youíre desperately trying to avoid: the heavy and unbearable sadness of letting go of something so sweet, so precious, and so connected to you.

Most thoughts can be noticed, accepted, or released Ė yet when you are in the thick of your grief, sometimes itís hard to remember to do any of those things.

So, the following items are random. Iím posting them for someday. Iím posting them because you might need a friend-in-writing at some 1am of your own. Print this out and save it for that time.

These are pieces of my experience, and pieces of stories from other people. This is my attempt to remind you of the truth, so that you can get back to doing what you are meant to do when you lose a pet Ė which is to purely experience the release of this being you treasure. In that alone will you find healing.

Guilt

Guilt will sneak in at unexpected moments, telling you that you did it wrong, that you didnít do enough, that you caused this to happen, or that itís all your fault.

Guilt is tricky. It seems like situations cause it to rise up out of nowhere. But really, guilt just hangs around, waiting in the wings Ė and it waits to find the perfect situation to make an entrance.

In the highly charged situation of a sick pet who doesnít have a voice, guilt is always available to fill the silent spaces. And it serves no purpose.

You find your pet, you love your pet, and you do the best you can. Thatís all you can do.

Thatís what you did.

Blame

Blame is guilt going in the opposite direction. Youíll want to blame the vet, or the driver of the car, or your boyfriend for taking you out that night when your dog ran off, which wouldnít have happened had you been there.

Blame serves one purpose: to distract you. Itís not that you arenít allowed to have moments of blame and anger Ė but remember that no matter how much of it you experience, eventually the sadness will be whatís waiting for you at the end of that long line of stuff. And youíll have nowhere else to turn but in its direction.

Blame might postpone the sadness Ė but not forever.

Second-Guessing

A friend of mine told me that one of the worst things about putting her cat to sleep was the second-guessing that happened afterward.

Second-guessing is just guilt on Halloween. It puts on a mask called ďRational ThoughtsĒ that offer you all the reasons why you did the exact opposite of what you shouldíve done.

Atticus died as I held him on my kitchen floor. During this last hour, I was overtaken by fear. The second-guessing began. Had I made the wrong choices? Should I have had him put to sleep? I didnít do any of this right, did I?

I was able to catch myself and remind myself that all I needed to do was be fully present to this moment, and we would both get through it. Thatís all you need to do, too. Your presence is more powerful and more healing than your untrue thoughts.

Knowing

When youíre contemplating putting your pet to sleep, and you ask people how youíll know whether or not to do it, and when itís time, they will all tell you one thing, ďOh. Youíll know. Youíll just know.Ē

The truth is that you might know. And thatís great. But you also might not. I kept waiting to hear a ďknowing.Ē But it never came. My homeopathic vet told me that it might never come, and that you just have to do the best you can do.

Life

Itís imperative that you experience life during this time. When Atticus was dying, Spring was in a ďHey itís been raining for six straight days!Ē cheerleader-like exuberance, so I made myself go out into the woods with my dog.

I witnessed Pink Ladyslipper in bloom. I smelled the wet ground. I watched some Pileated Woodpeckers going to town on a fallen tree. I met a month-old puppy and reveled in his puppy breath.

It was as if the earth was shouting at me, ďItís all life!Ē

I didnít believe it. But it helped me remember that it was all there for me to return to when Iím ready.

Give yourself time for life and remember that, as Eckhart Tolle reminds us, the opposite of death is birth. Not life. Life doesnít die.

Time

No matter if your dog was only three when she got hit by a car, or if your cat lives to be 29, youíll want more time. Youíll bargain for it. Youíll pray for just one more year. Youíll swear that youíll be grateful 365 days straight.

Atticus had a lifetime of me bargaining for more time. Homeopathy pulled him from the jaws of death on several occasions. I was (and am) grateful for all of it.

But it didnít make it easy to let go when the time came. I still held tight. I even made a few feeble bargaining attempts. But eventually, I had to surrender and focus on gratitude for the years he lived.

Of course, surrender doesnít make the sadness go away. Itís just that you no longer are clinging quite so tightly.

The truth about time is that it is only ever now. And all those nows that you had with your beloved animal were perfect. But this now is different from those nows.

Protection

My mom had two dogs when she was little, and both of them died unexpectedly. One day her dad announced that he refused to allow any more pets in their home because he couldnít stand to go through any more broken hearts. He managed to hold fast to his rule, and my mom never had another pet in her life. I never said this to my mom, but I find it interesting that her dad died of a massive heart attack at a young age.

You might want to swear off animals forever. You might tell yourself that you canít possibly go through this ever again. While it may take some time to allow another pet into your life, the idea that you can protect your heart from pain by sealing it off from love is ludicrous. As one of my Platinum Coaching clients wrote on her coaching form last week:

ďIíve spent so many years, pretty much all of my life, working so hard to avoid feeling pain that I never let myself see beauty either.Ē

As long as weíre on this planet, we might as well experience it, revel in it, take it all in, live big, cry hard, laugh a lot, and love every being that will have us. Whatís to protect yourself from?

Itís an honor to love something so much that your heart breaks when it moves to another plane. Itís an honor to be loved back, too. Thereís joy to be found Ė even in your sadness.

Judgment

Some people will find you ridiculous. You will cancel engagements and get rolled eyes. Your family might whisper about you.

ďItís just a cat.Ē

ďWhy all the fuss over a dog?Ē

Donít waste your energy being mad. Whether itís the joy of a pet, or having your own business, or getting fired, or losing a parent Ė if someone hasnít experienced it, then they just donít understand. They will someday. In the meantime, be willing to be judged. Youíve got more important places to put your attention.

Surrender

Lastly, letís talk about the moments of sheer peace, surrender, and enlightenment. You will have these, too.

You will have minutes, maybe hours or even days where you feel a deep surrender to the process of life. You will marvel at your clarity, at how you are able to release with love this being that you cherish with all your heart. Youíll wonder if Pema Chodron will be phoning soon to ask you how you do it.

Love these moments. They are truth. But donít berate yourself if you burst into tears the very next hour, and beg your pet not to leave, and bargain with God to make sure you never hurt again in your life. Itís a part of the roundabout cycle of loss.

The peace will descend again too. Itís who you truly are. And it will return. And it will last longer each time. And your heart will slowly take it in and heal itself into the full joy of being once again.

- See more at: http://christinekane.com/on-losing-a-belov...p.WxXiIKF1.dpuf
moon_beam
Hi, Monique, thank you so much for sharing this wonderful article so intuitively written by Christine Kane. I know it has helped you through your grief adjustment journey, and hope it will help many others who come here to find comfort, support, encouragement, and hope in their grief journeys.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Monique, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved MacKenzie's and all of your beloved companions' sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
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