My name is Natachaand i posted here yesterday to tell you about my great dane Astrix.

He is now gone to heaven.

As i explained yesterday,he was 12 and started to loose weight a few weeks ago.
He collapsed on friday, the vet came and said he was not in pain and that it would be better for him to go by himself..

To mu suprise, Astrix got up again after the treatment and it was like he was not sick anymore, he licked me,, he ate, he drank and took my arm in his mouth as he does when he wants to play.

Then saturday morning, he collapsed again but managed to get up again in the even8ng but on sunday, he collapsed for the last time, he was still not in pain and i thought he would get up again, but he could not, he was too weak, he could not eat or drink anymore.

On monday, i could not see him like that anymore, lying on his side and the life slowly going out of him, he just would not let go.

He was going to the toilets on himself, his frail body was giving up.

I had to call the vet to ask him to put him to sleep.

It was so hard, i had not slept or eat in four days,i could not cope with the pain.
I stayed with him all the time, i thought i would not be able to stay with him when the vet would let him go but i forced myself.

I was with Astrix before the vet came and he managed to lift his head and look at me, it was magical and heartbreaking.
He then placed his big huge paw on me as if to say its ok.

The vet arrive with an assistant.

I sat on a chair behing Astrix as the room was really small, i thought that once they woul inject him, they would left me alone with him so that i could talk to him as he was passing.

It took ages for them to find a good vein as his circulation was getting poor.

They found the vein and injected him while they were talking about soccer ( i foind it insensitif and i wanted to scream),then just after they took the needle of him, they said, he is gone, that was it, it took 2 secondes so he died alone, without me holding him or talking to him as i couldnt get beside the vet.

It was too much for me, i ran out the room and run and foun my other little dog Shabal and hold him tight and cried all i could, then i got sick.

Why oh why did the vet not move over so Astrix could feel me, and now that i had time to think about it, i am wondering if Astrix was really gone when the vet said he was and i ran out?

I stopped feeling guilty last night because his four days ordeal was over, i managed to get some sleep for the first time in four days but now the guilt is back and i am angry.

I miss him, a part of me died with him.

How can i live without him?

I have no more tears, just emptiness, he meant everything to me, he was my best friend.

I hope that i made him happy and did the best by him during his life but i am not so sure as i fel so guilty.

He is still in that little room and i cant bring myself to go in, i think its best that i remember him as before, i dont know wether to go and look at the body one last time.

We will be burying him this evening.

I am really glad that there is a site like this where we can post our feelings without being jidge.

Astrix, i am so sorry if i disapointed you, you were my best friend and you will be in my heart forever.

this is a picture of my astrixClick to view attachment

Hi, Natachaand, please permit me to once again offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Astrix, and thank you so much for sharing a picture of him with us. What a very handsome man he is. You are very blessed to be his Forever Mom.

Natachaand, this grief adjustment journey is filled with many different emotions, and one of them is guilt / remorse. Even under the most ideal of circumstances please let me try to reassure you that EVERYONE experiences guilt / remorse to some degree. Hopefully as your deep grief eases you will come to know what is very obvious to us through what you have shared with us: You did the very best for your beloved Astrix at all times and in all circumstances. Your beloved Astrix knows this, and he is eternally grateful to you for having the strength and courage to release him from his frail, failing physical body with dignity.

I also wish to reassure you that even though you were not physically touching your beloved Astrix at the moment he transitioned home to the angels, he was surrounded by your eternal love in the place he loves the most - - his home. Your need to leave his physical body is quite alright - - you need to grieve for your beloved Astrix in the way YOU need to - - this is the only thing that matters.

You ask the universal question each of us asks when we are going through a grief adjustment journey: "How can i live without him?" The answer is - - one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. You are now privileged to be his living legacy to his earthly journey. I promise you, Natachaand, that in time the deep seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart now will ease, and you will find a "new normal" to your continued earthly journey. Your beloved Astrix is helping you with this even now - - for he is forever a part of you - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

And each of us are here for you, too, Natachaand, as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Astrix with us, Natachaand. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Natacha
Astrix was so beautiful. I know how you are feeling, I lost my best friend 8 days ago. I don't know how to go on without him either, but we must try, I think they would have wanted us to be happy. Or at least, I hope so?

take it one day at a time, I am trying also.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You did not let Astrix down and please dont think he wold be disappointed in you. You saved him from suffering. He would thank you for that. We all feel like we could have done more, or should have done that one extra thing that would have shown our lost loves how much we love them, but we can't think like that. We showed them every day how much we loved throughout their lives. He knew that and would never be disappointed in you.

My precious little girl was let go on dec 15th. We have a vet friend who was able to come to our home and help in her passing. I couldn't watch as I knew I would probably try and stop it and when I came back out once she was gone, it was like someone kicked me in the stomach. All the guilt, all the what ifs, and if I onlys washed over me. THere was my precious baby laying on the ground, never to get up again. Did she know how much she meant to me, how much I loved her? Of course she did, but the guilt was overpowering. Think back as to how often you told Astrix you loved him or gave him kisses. In my case, it must have been 50 times a day for 15 years. And its not just words you say or the affection you show, its all the other things we have done for our pets that shows them they are loved so very much. The time just sitting together in front of the tv, the walks, the playing, or just talking to them when there was no one else to talk to. Thats how the bonds of everlasting love are built. Those bonds are not forgotten and not broken. They are eternal.

Although I miss my little baby so much and at times just lose control of my emotions, I have been able to find solace in the fact that she is in a better place.

What helped me the most was sitting down and actually writing (not just thinking) what her first day in heaven would be like from her point of view. Mine was pretty simple but it has given me a sense of peace. you may want to try it.

Here is how I know her first day in heaven was like:

I know she is in a better place.
Dogs do go to heaven. God would not create an animal that is capable of so much unconditional love and then not have them a special place waiting for them when they die.

“What a good night sleep I had. This bed is so soft and this blanket has kept me warm and secure. I haven't felt this rested in a long time”.
After a nice long stretch still under the blanket, she starts to wriggle out to begin her day.

“That's weird, my legs don’t feel stiff like they used to for the past few years. In fact, I feel quite strong and flexible”.
As she emerges, she looks around, expecting to see only the fog that was her vision, but instead can see everything as clear as can be. That’s weird she thinks, but as she looks around, she sees her home as it was when she first came home to me.” I remember this place; there is the couch I would sleep on waiting for my Dad to get home from work. There is the room and the big bed we slept on together for all those years. There is the kitchen island that I used to race around at break-neck speed when I was younger. There is the garage where I would use the potty because I couldn't be taught to go in the grass”. Thinking of that, the back door opens and she walks outside to look around. “What is that sound, I think it’s a bird. I haven't heard anything in such a long time. Is that another dog barking off in the distance? I think I will bark back to say hello and that I am here. There is a nice sunny spot on the deck; I think I will lie down for a while before exploring”.
After a quick nap, she wakes to find that it wasn’t just a dream, she is back at home, she can see and hear, her legs are not stiff and her back not sore. “I think I want a snack and something to drink”. So back inside she goes. “There is my food bowl, piled high with my favorite treats and another bowl of fresh water”.
Following a quick snack and long drink, she spies her old tennis ball by the door. “ I know that ball! That’s the one I always had with me, that I slept with and carried around everywhere. It still looks a bit worn with age, but that is how I like it”. As she plays with her ball, knocking it from side to side, rolling over with it bouncing on her front paws, a gentle hand reaches down and grabs the ball and rolls it way down the hall. “Go get it” a voice says, and off she goes, running at full speed and with reckless abandon as she did many years ago. “This is great, I feel wonderful and all my favorite things are here, but something is missing. Where is my Dad? He must be at work. I guess I will play a while longer with the man with the wings and then take a nap”.
After exhausting her regained stores of energy, she burrows back into blanket on that super soft bed. She wiggles around under the blanket until she pokes her head out and lies down so she can see the front door. “ Just a quick nap and then my dad will be walking through that door very soon. I can't wait”.
As she drifts back to sleep and dreams, she may hear the faint sounds of me telling her how much I love her and miss her back here on earth, but always promising to be with her soon.
I know she is in a better place. What may be weeks, months or years before I can go and see her again, to her it will be as just a single day has passed. She won't be alone or frightened, for the angels are there to meet her needs till I come. I know the sadness and grief will knock me to my knees from time to time, but I will try to think of her first day in heaven and look forward to seeing her again. When we will have eternity to be at each other’s side.
She is still my precious little girl and always will be. I love her and miss her greatly. I know she is in a better place.