Hello everyone - I am a HUGE animal lover, and love both dogs and cats. For the past 13 years I have only had cats, and had five for the past 7 years.

My 5 kitties were my babies, my loves, and greatest joy. I was constantly teased by people for having so many and being the crazy “cat” lady, but I didn’t care. I wouldn’t change a thing.

I lost my oldest, Oliver, last December to congestive heart failure. He died in my arms on the way to the emergency vet. He was my first cat and the love of my life – I never thought I would see the light of day again. I had him cremated and over time have made peace with his passing have always felt he is with me and am so grateful to have been his mama and experienced the joy of his love and connection.

On August 20th, I moved out of my apartment and into a house with my boyfriend. I carted each kitty over to the house, and the last run I picked up my kitty Henry in a towel and planned to carry him to the car and let him ride in my lap. I had done it before and he was so docile that I thought nothing of it. Biggest mistake of my life. He was scared and clawed his way out of my arms and ran – and I have not seen him since. I have placed ads, posted flyers, hung huge signs at intersections, put food out, set up a humane trap, bought a motion sensitive camera to take pictures of who is coming by the trap and food at night and early morning, I have searched through brush, storm drains, neighborhoods, checked shelters every day, worked with a cat detective who is trained in finding lost cats, you name it. No Henry. I have received a ton of response, sightings, and the sighting calls I have received where I saw the cat, it was not him. I have contacted animal communicators – which I realize some people might think I’m crazy – but there’s nothing I wouldn’t try. A gentleman who has helped many people locate their lost animals was referred to me by a very legitimate and upstanding figure in the animal rescue community here in Austin. I contacted him twice and he was able to reach Henry and told me how his energy was (tired, weak, confused) and was able to show me things he saw, all of which were places around my old apartment complex and the adjoining neighborhoods. He told me where to start looking in terms of where he felt the strongest energy at that time. I followed up on all of it, but was never able to find him.

Henry is an orange cat with the sweetest little face and disposition. He was my sweetest and most gentle cat – he was so precious and sweet to all of the other cats, had this cute little meow, and I just adored and loved him so much. He was so soft, I called him my pumpkin bunny (because his fur was like bunny fur). He had this sad little face he could make when looking at you and I would look at him and say “what’s wrong? Are your feelings hurt?” He wasn’t sad, it was just the way his face was at rest – he was so stinking cute. Because he was so gentle and fragile in my eyes, I wanted to protect him and love him even more than usual. So the fact that I lost him and he was out in the open, likely scared, hungry, hurt, you name it – it has almost killed me. It is the worse grief – gut wrenching – I fell into a major depression and my anxiety that was in remission came back with a vengeance. It’s been a living hell.

Last week I read about a woman who has helped hundreds of people find their lost animals, many of them cats (who are very tricky to catch, because they tend to hunker down and can hide right before your eyes and you’ll never see them – and unlike most dogs, they won’t come if you call them) – anyway, she is another animal communicator and the stories were remarkable about her – she was able to locate an animal or know their location in real time. I contacted her and the minute I started talking to her I felt an ease and trust – I could just sense it in her voice. I sent her a picture of Henry, but did not give her an address or any details on the location, etc. She said she would communicate with him and get back with me in an hour – she called me back a little over an hour later and gently started telling me about her communication with him. She said she had bad news – that what she picked up was that he had passed on, and it happened a couple of weeks ago. She started describing what he showed her, and it was this area behind the apartment complex next door – she described it to a tee. She mentioned that he ate something that might have been toxic – she picked up on the fact that he became unconscious, and then felt nothing – which was probably his passing.

I have had this feeling that he is gone, but needless to say I was very upset. She told me that she hopes she is wrong, but this is what she picked up – and the fact that she was able to describe the location and the color of the buildings, etc., with NO address or description of the place – it was unreal. She said her science is intuitive, not exact, so she never wants to promise anything, but I believe her. Does this make me sound crazy? Perhaps. I just hope no one judges me on here and that I can come here to grieve and share my pain. It is unbelievable – my heart feels like it’s been ripped to shreds – I feel gutted. I cannot make peace with the fact that he was alone in his final days, and that he died alone…my precious, gentle baby. It is my worst nightmare.

I know it’s not 100% proven – and don’t get me wrong, I still have signs posted and continue to check the shelter websites daily to see if he’s there – but I am grieving and have been for some time now. Even if he’s still alive I may not ever see him again – he could be gone for good. I just feel lost – there is a gaping hold inside of me and I cannot reconcile this. I just feel so bad – like I’ve abandoned him – and I want him to know that I am so sorry that I lost him, that I didn’t protect him, that I miss him and love him more than this world.

I never thought I would experience anything worse than losing my beloved Oliver, but this has been worse. There is no closure. There is a big wide unknown – and the thought that Henry might have suffered, etc. – it’s torture. I would willingly lose a finger, give up everything I own – if someone offered me a million dollars or Henry, I would choose Henry. It has just been a pain that I cannot make sense of. I keep telling myself that he is okay, that he is with Oliver in heaven – I just hate that I may never really know, and that I wasn’t there with him at the end of his life, that I didn’t get so say goodbye, I love you, etc.

Thank you for letting me share. I have attached a picture of my sweet angel. I am hoping that some miracle might occur and someone will call me and have found him – but I know it’s slim at this point. I am exhausted, grief-stricken, and heartbroken. I will never get over losing my precious angel Henry

Hi, gsnap, please permit me to offer you my sincerest condolences in the physical loss of your precious, beloved Henry. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

Gsnap, please know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Please let me try to reassure you that there are no judgments made here.

I know first hand how difficult it is when our companions go missing, and the not knowing what is happening with them - - if they are safe, if they are hurt, if someone with a loving heart has found them and taken them to a safe home to care for them - - or if they have met with a horrible experience that resulted in their transition home to the angels. In many ways this type of loss is harder than experiencing the grief when we witness the transition of our companions home to the angels. I truly am very sorry that your precious, beloved Henry is missing. It is wise to keep the posters and missing advertisements going for as long as your heart encourages you to do so.

Gsnap, there is no such thing as "getting over" or having "closure" in the physical loss of a precious companion. The adjustment to the physical loss of a companion is a very painful journey - - both emotionally and physically, and is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

Thank you so much for sharing a picture of your precious, beloved Henry with us - - what a sweet little boy he is. The good news in all of this pain is that your beloved Henry's sweet Living Spirit is forever with you. He is forever a part of your heart and your memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, gsnap, and that you will be able to have a peaceful evening. Please know you and your precious, beloved Henry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much Moon Beam - your kind words offer me solace and comfort, and I am so glad to have found a place where not only is judgment not passed, but people understand. TRULY understand. You are right - Henry is always with me. How I ache for him - I wish I could hold him just one last night, I'd give anything. It is so very, very painful. But I need to remember him in light and love and know he is always with me. Thank you so much again - your words have brought me some peace and I am eternally grateful. Thank you so much. xo

Hi, gsnap, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I do so understand how you're feeling when you share with us "How I ache for him - I wish I could hold him just one last night, I'd give anything. It is so very, very painful."

We live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of taste, touch, sound, smell, and sight. Each time our companions touch us, rub against us, lick / kiss us, they are litearlly chemically imprinting themselves on us so that they can identify us from all the other humans on this planet. When they are no longer physically with us - - for whatever reason - - we literally experience a physical withdrawal from them, and this is one of the many reasons why the physical adjustment to their physical absence is so very painful.

You may find it helpful to hold one of Henry's toys, or a blanket - - something - - that belongs only to him when the ache to hold him one more time is unbearable. This does help to bridge the physical absence as your body adjusts to the "new normal" of not having his sweet physical presence with you. No, it isn't the same as holding your precious Henry's sweet body close to you - - but it does help.

I hope today is treating you kindly, gsnap, and that you will be able to have a peaceful evening. Please know you and your precious, beloved Henry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you moon beam - you definitely have a great way of comforting people and understanding this process - the physical absence is hard...I've been snuggling and hugging up to my other kitties a ton They are very healing to be with, although his absence is felt I just feel like my little pack is dwindling and it makes me so sad - I thought Oliver and Henry would be around much longer - I hear of cats living into their 20's - and Oliver was only 13. Henry would have lived longer - that is the part that kills me. It wasn't his time, my poor baby. He would have been 9 this month Still so young...UGH!

Thank you again for your kind words and checking in on me - it means so much! Thank you for the prayers and thoughts too - it means more than you know!

Hope you have a peaceful evening too -

Ginger

gsnap75, I know what you mean about your pack dwindling. In 2005 I had 6 kitties, and now am down to 1. I still miss every single one of them. When I was a 16, my cat Tiger "disappeared" from my Grandmother's farm (we lived in an apartment, so she kept him there.) I had him since I was 7, and still wonder whatever happened to him.

I do hope that by some miracle, your Henry will eventually find his way home to you.

Thank you for the wishes for Henry to come home to me Inessence - it means a lot. Yes, the dwindling down is hard - you never imagine any of them not being there. It has been a great struggle and heartbreak.

Thanks again for writing - take care,

Ginger

Hi, gsnap, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Like Inessence, I, too, can understand your feelings of your little "pride" dwindling. My precious Noah who is now 9 years old is my sole survivor in a household that once enjoyed the physical presence of four precious companions - - including Noah. My number one kitty son Eli joined the angels December 2006 at the tender age of 6 years and 7 months due to end stage Lymphoma; my handsome Black Lab Oslo joined the angels November 2009 at 15 years and 2 weeks due to a sudden stroke; and my beautiful baby girl Abbygayle who is Noah's sibling sister joined the angels March 2010 at 6 years and 10 months due to end stage Fibrosarcoma. I was somewhat "prepared" for my Oslo to join the angels as he was the eldest of my fur family members, but it still hurts that both my Eli and Abbygayle were called home to the angels at young and tender ages. And two weeks ago my precious boy underwent serious surgery that could have resulted in him not being physically with me now. I am grateful to God for His mercy and grace for Noah's continued recovery - - and I cherish every moment of our time together.

So I, too, along with our wonderful forum friends, do understand how you are feeling, gsnap, about the physical losses of your beloved Oliver and your precious, beloved Henry.

When we embrace our companions into our hearts and lives we are not gifted with the foreknowledge of when and how the events will evolve that will lead to us being physically separated from them. If we did have this foreknowledge, then we would be faced with making the decision of not allowing ourselves to know the joy of their sweet physical presence with us so that we would spare ourselves the pain of losing them. Although we do not like to think on it, our companions are also taking a risk having humans as their caregivers because none of us knows when our appropriate time is for us to leave the realm of this physical life.

Gsnap, you always did the very best for your precious, beloved Henry. I do know what it is like to have a companion escape and not be able to find him. I know how haunted your heart must feel with what happened, and I hope and pray that some day you will be able to find some peace with the unforeseen circumstances that were beyond your control.

I hope today is treating you kindly, gsnap, and that you will be able to have a peaceful evening. Please know you and your precious, beloved Henry are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you moon beam,

I'm sorry about your losses too - it is so hard when they are young and it feels so much like it's before their time. With Henry, it's like it wasn't SUPPOSED to happen...my heart just aches for my baby. I have been doing okay, although today I am going to meet the lady who is the pet detective who specializes in finding lost cats to donate my trap to her and the night vision, motion sensitive camera I bought so she can let other people use them who contact her and need her help with findng their kitties. She told me she is going to put "In Memory of Henry" on them - which is so touching and wonderful, but it makes me cry like a baby everytime I think about those words - that he is gone, and was never found - it just hurts SO badly. But how wonderful that these items can be used in his memory and honor, and how many people will be helped and hopefully find their kitties with the help of these items - it is so touching to know that good work will be done in his memory. I just wish he had had a happy ending too. It kills me - tears are streaming down my face as I write this. I just feel no closure.

I have attahced a picture of my sweet Oliver and Henry, snuggled up in bed together I love this picture of them, squished together and so warm and content - I like to think they are doing this now in heaven if Henry has passed over. My sweet babies - I miss them so.

Thanks again moon beam ~ your words have provided so comfort to me and I am eternally grateful.

xo,
Ginger

Hi, gsnap, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for this wonderful touching picture of your beloved Oliver and Henry together. It is important that you try to focus on thoughts that are comforting for you - - although I know how difficult this is when your heart is deeply grieving.

How special that the detective will label the equipment in honor of your precious beloved Henry's memory. I truly wish they could have led you to your Henry so that you could be reunited. I wish I could reach through cyberspace and offer you my hand to hold. I know there are no adequate words that can soothe the deep pain in your heart, but I hope somehow you feel my sincerest friendship sharing your deep sorrow.

I hope today is treating you kindly, gsnap, and that you will be able to have a peaceful evening. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam