I am so grateful to have found this forum where people can share their loves, losses and grief. I belong to a dog forum where I've known the posters for years. However, after posting my loss, it got quickly replaced with new topics - sort of like a 24-hour news cycle.

Last Saturday, I made the heart-wrenching decision to have my 14 year old Toy Poodle euthanized. As many do, I've second guessed my every move that day ever since.

Bogey was a therapy dog for many years, visiting nursing homes with me and comforting the elderly, many who were grieving having to leave a beloved pet behind to enter the facility. Poodles, often high-strung, aren't high up on the list of potential therapy dogs, but Bogey was the epitome of calm and patience.

He wasn't without his health problems, that's for sure. He had surgery on both knee's and numerous lumps removed. However, for the last four years, he would have violent episodes of vomiting, not eating, dehydration, severe lethargy and had been hospitalized many, many times. He had exploratory surgery done and all his major organs biopsied, yet no definitive diagnosis was ever made. He had so many tests done, but we couldn't find what was causing it. After seeing numerous specialists, the process of elimination led them to believe he had pancreatitis.

I started home cooking his food and did years of research on dog nutrition and alternative therapies. He has acupuncture or homosiniatry every week. I do attribute these three things to giving him 3-4 years he would not have had otherwise.
Over the past two years, his care has been all-consuming. He needed sub-q fluids, many meds and it was increasingly hard to get him to eat. He went blind this past year and managed pretty well as our 7 year old Pomeranian just naturally took on the role of guide dog. It was precious to watch her care for him.

With each bout this past year, I could see him getting more frail and not getting back to 100%. It was so hard so keep him hydrated, but he loved watermelon, so I gave him some everyday to get some moisture in him. On his 14th birthday on the 4th of July, I made him a "cake" out of watermelon.

Unfortunately, I didn't have pet insurance for him. I can't even imagine the thousands spent over the years without a second thought - he was family. I don't have any children and have often been accused of caring more for my dogs than I do for people - maybe true.

Bogey saw numerous vets in town, depending on his needs. Sometimes, I would see a traditional vet, often a homeopath. I knew when the time came which one I would choose to help me say goodbye. He was just as wonderful as I knew he would be. We said prayers over Bogey and celebrated his life by telling stories of our favorite times with him. He re-opened the office after closing for the day so we weren't rushed in any way.

Regardless, I came out to the car afterward in a complete state of shock. I couldn't believe what just happened and that I made it happen. Immediately, and ever since, all I can think about is how much I want just another day with him. I'm shocked the world kept turning since it felt like it had just ended.

With all the care-taker responsibilities gone, I don't know who I am anymore. My remaining dog, Cali, is grieving, too. She is not eating well at all and wonders the house looking for him. He has been with her all of her life.
All I want to do is sleep and cry. I'm trying to play with Cali more and take her for more walks, etc., but I can't wait for night to come so I can take a sleeping pill.

I know the only way out is through, but this really stinks. Friends and family, more or less, are saying he lived a long life, he's not in pain anymore, you still have Cali... and I want to tell them all to shove it, but I don't. My BIL used to say when he'd come over, "God, isn't that dog dead yet?"

Well, thanks to those who managed to stick with this long ramble. I just am lost without my baby boy. Even 14 years isn't enough... I don't know if you can post pics here, but I will, if allowed and can figure it out.

Peace and hugs to those suffering tonight.

Tinydogs, I'm so sorry for your loss. Bogey sounds like one terrific dog.

Hi, Tinydogs, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Bogey (by any chance named after the actor Humphrey Bogart?). Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstanes or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Tinydogs, this grief adjustment journey is one of the hardest experiences we will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey filled with so many different emotions that overwhelm us all at one time. It is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. As you share with us, "I'm shocked the world kept turning since it felt like it had just ended" this time in deep grief is endured in what I call a state of "automatic pilot" - - bills get paid, jobs get done, errands get run, etc., but with little to no enthusiasm for the daily activities. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal deep grief. Even when we have the joy of other precious companions in our lives, our hearts cannot help but be consumed by the deep sorrow of having to adjust our lives to the physical absence of a beloved companion. This doesn't mean we love the other precious companions who continue to share our earthly journey less - - it simply means that we need the time and opportunity to grieve for the beloved companion who is no longer physically with us.

This grief adjustment journey can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time, Tinydogs. From what you have shared with us there is no doubt that you love your beloved Bogey with all your heart and did everything in your human and humane power to give him a happy and healthy earthly journey. Unfortunately our companion's physical bodies are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity. Their earthly journey with us is never ever long enough for we will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more lifetime with them. The good news is that the love bond you and your beloved Bogey share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Bogey's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey just as he always has and always will. He is forever a part of you, Tinydogs - - he is forever in your heart and your memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I can relate to the special bond you and your beloved Bogey shared as Animal Assisted Therapy partners. My beloved Oslo, a very handsome Black Lab, and I also served our community for awhile visiting patients in hospitals and nursing facilities, and promoted the volunteer service through the local news media. I know my beloved Oslo has taken your beloved Bogey under his care and is introducing him to all the residents in heaven's perfect garden.

Tinydogs, I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss in your heart. I can only hope that the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. You are among friends here.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Bogey with us, Tinydogs. If you need assistance uploading pictures of your beloved Bogey please do not hesitate to contact the L S Administrator. He is always willing to help us with "technical challenges."

I hope today is treating you and your precious Cali kindly, Tinydogs, and that you both will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bogey's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious Cali are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam