We lost our beautiful border collie Sasha this past June 18 -- will be two weeks on Monday. She was 11 years, 8 months old...far too young IMHO. She died in her sleep, no known cause but she'd had some unusual symptoms on and off, for 6 weeks before she passed.

As with my other beloved pets over the years, we have grieved for her, had her cremated and gotten her ashes back...I consider the return of the ashes to be the point where you should start looking for a new pet.

However, I am having a really hard time. We had a dog before Sasha, who died a more untimely death at age 5 (congenital kidney failure) and god knows that was devastating, and finding Sasha (a rescue dog from the local dogcatcher) truly healed our hearts (as we think we healed hers). So I know getting a new pet is the right thing to do. So many dogs desperately need a home. This is the advice I give others, over the years, who have lost a beloved pet.

But...I'm just stalled. My grief is just so acute. I don't know why; there are worse ways to die than in in your sleep. She did NOT suffer, and the previous 3 weeks had been wonderful; she'd improved so much we thought she was cured...playing, eating, begging for walks, running up and down stairs and so on...that it had all been a bad scare by an overly solicitous vet.

And we just loved her SO dearly. I know everyone says that, and of course it is true. But we just felt something entirely special with her, beyond our other very loved dogs, cats, and even a parrot. I just feel like my heart is hollowed out. I want to do nothing but cry all day long; all night I dream about her. I am wracked with guilt over every tiny thing -- I made my poor husband eat the food she had left (it was human grade food, not dog food!) out of fear it made her sick. (I guess I figured he would survive it.)

I blame myself for having the wrong vet, or not doing enough.

And as I have gone the dutiful rounds of visiting the local shelters and rescues -- boy, I've had nothing but disappointment. No dogs remotely resembling her. (What's with shelters labeling EVERY black and white dog a "border collie", even if they are clearly pit bulls? or labs?) I've gotten a frosty reception from border collie rescue organizations; they want to vet you like they were Homeland Security (even an agreement you must sign that they can TAKE THE DOG BACK if you don't measure up!!!) and THEN they discourage me from every dog they list. Others do not return my emails. One talked me out of the SOLE young female border collie I found, at a shelter 200 miles away -- the only one I could find -- as " has aggression issues, fights with other dogs and hates cats" -- who knows if this is true? Some of the rescue people seem a bit squirrelly to me, like they want to keep all the dogs for themselves!

Also: I've gotten the advice that you should NOT replace a dog with another similar dog -- you will only compare them. That you should get a different breed, size, sex. What do you guys think? We got Sasha after losing our small "Heinz 57" terrier, who was probably a mix of Schipperke and and god knows what and some beagle. She was a high maintenance, nervous dog. In comparison, Sasha was a dreamboat -- sweet, shy, calm, well-mannered. I'd never even known a border collie before! So of course, I think now that they are the best dogs on earth.

Of course what I really want is MY DOG BACK...if I had a billion dollars and cloning was perfected -- even though morally I think it is wrong (all those unwanted shelter dogs!) -- I'd probably be in Dr. Frankenstein's lab right this minute, making a new Sasha.

I just feel like I can't go on.

No point is saying "wait", as the lack of dogs available means I will be waiting some time, whether I wish to or not!

Any thoughts, advice, suggestions?

Hi, Lola, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Sasha. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Your beloved Sasha is very blessed to transition home to the angels in the place she loves the best - - her home - - surrounded by the sights and sounds and smells of the people and things she loves the most.

Lola, please let me try to offer you some words of comfort, support, encouragement and hope. This grief journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It doesn't matter if it's our first or thousandth - - each grief journey is unique because each relationship we share with our companions is individually unique. Even though we deeply love and care for all of our companions, there are those "special" companions who come into our lives and imprint their hearts into ours so intricatetly that we become "one" with them. I call it the "companion mind meld" (if you are familiar with Star Trek then you are familiar with this technique Dr. Spock shared with his closest friends, espeically Captain Kirk).

So please know that what you are feeling with the physical passing of your beloved Sasha is very normal - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. Unfortunately there is no easy way to travel this grief adjustment journey. It can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your time. The good news is that your beloved Sasha's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey just as she always has and always will. She will always be a part of your heart and memories for she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

As for adopting another companion, only you can decide when your heart is ready to embrace a new family member. Even though you have felt comfortable adopting immediately in previous circumstances, perhaps this time you may want to wait a little while until your deep sorrow eases. Some people feel very comfortable staying with a particular breed - - some people only adopt Shepherds, some people only adopt Rottweilers, - - so it is perfectly okay that you feel comfortable wanting to adopt another Border Collie. You must remember that rescue groups are very protective of who adopts their rescues, so undergoing a background check and home visit is truly the norm. And yes, if a match does not work out they will want to have the companion returned to them. This is to prevent the rescue from ending up in the local shelter, or worst case scenario abandoned at the local dumpster. Also, most rescue groups have the rescue undergo a "temperament" evaulation, so when they list a rescue as having fear or personality aggression they have taken the time to observe the companion in action. By law they MUST do this as some rescue groups have had lawsuits placed against them from people who have adopted companions only to be brutally attacked without provocation. Some attacks have resulted in death of the person, and consequently the euthanasia of the rescue companion. From what I have learned from other people who adopted from a rescue group, some groups are easier to work with than others, and the adoption process can go smoother working with one particular representative than with another one in the same group. So please don't give up adopting through a rescue group - - but you may want to give yourself some time to grieve for your beloved Sasha first.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of loss that is in your heart. Nothing makes sense right now, and won't for quite awhile. I can only hope and pray that the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone in your journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Sasha with us, Lola. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Lola, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Good morning Lola

My deepest condolences on the passing beautiful Sasha. Some animals, like your Sasha ARE special animals. Some native americans call them Spirit-animals - I call them soul-mates. You each carry a part of each other's souls - sort of like a puzzle piece. These amazing animals search the universe over until the find, among all the millions of people on earth, the one and only one human being who is carrying their soul-piece and whoses soul-piece they are carrying. Then these marvelous animals put themselves in our paths so we will meet - and the rush of love tells the story. Our soul-mates teach us life lessons, guard our steps and most of all love and are loved by us in a special rare love. Of course we love all of our fur-babies with everything we have. But soul-mate love goes way beyond ordinary love - and we don't even have control over it! We are just belssed by the universe. They stay with us for a while and then they go back home to the Perfect World. The separation is unbearable.

But as Mother Moonbeam has counseled so many of us, our babiees are NOT gone - they have just changed form. We humans, as Moonbeam often reminds us, live in a sensory world - if we can't see, hear or touch something, we say it's not there. But that's NOT true. Sasha is right there beside you, just like always. She's just in spirit form - and luckier than you are. She can see, hear, touch you - but now it's one way. Never EVER forget that love does not diminish or fade away. Sasha is living with my Gretta, Bobbie's Trevor, Mickey's Mickey, hermy the bunny and all of the other animals in the Perfect World. She's still on her job - guiding you, watching over you, and most important, loving and being loved by you.

When Gretta went home (a year ago last April)(she is my first dog as an adult and is definitely my soul-mate) - like you, I was absolutely crushed. Like you, it was pain I couldn't even imagine!! After about 3 weeks, my arms felt so empty. They had no one to hold or pet or lie down with. I dipped my toe into looking at some local rescue dogs online. I saw Rufus, the dog I have now, a beautiful half lab/half Newfie, but being somewhat "elderly" myself, thought he was too young at 9 years old and was afraid I might not be abel to take care of him once I went on a fixed income. I kept looking and found a chocolate lab/chessie (so they said!). I went to meet him and he definitely was NOT part chocolate. He was a holy terror! I knew I couldnt feel safe with him - let alone expose the neighborhodd children to him. So I went back and looked at Rufus's picture and his beautiful brown eyes saw right through my heart. So, after five weeks, I adopted him. Way sooner than I thought I would.

The only "right time" is when YOUR heart is ready. As my neighbor who went with me to send Gretta home, "some people get another (dog) the next day, some weeks or months later, some never." And she's right. Don't despair - and don't rush just because last time the time was short and was "marked" by an event - getting back the ashes. Do it when and with whom you're ready. Lola, your soul-mate IS our there, s/he's looking for you and s/he WILL find you. That's a certainty with a heart as loving as yours. Meanwhile, you're going through one of the hardest experiences this side of heaven. We're with you any and every time you need us. (And I absolutely LOVE the part about making your husband eat the rest of the dog food! You know HE really loves you, too!)

Blessing and peace,

Gretta (and Rufus's) mom