Hello, I am new to this site. I felt the need to share with someone about the loss of my beautiful kitty. I am so heartbroken over his death. He was ill with kidney failure, but I have been tending to him everynight by hydrating him every night with 100 cc's of lactated ringers, I have done this for 5 years. Two weeks ago his appetite started to diminish and he started losing weight. I took to feeding him daily with a syringe with his medication mixed in. The vet also prescribed an appetite stimulant. He continued to decline. Thursday I was home from work and he was laying on the couch. I was on the computer writing to his vet and when I went to check on him he was barely breathing. My husband rushed us to the vet. His oxygen levels in his blood was down to 5%. We were told they could do a transfusion, but afterward there would be no guarentee's. They could put him on meds to help his oxygen levels, then check to see what his kidney values were. The cost was going to so much more than we could afford. And that just tears me up to think in those terms. I was unable to make the decision and was moments away from spending money we don't have, but I looked to my husband who made the decision to have him humanely put to sleep. My heart broke. I hate living with the 'what it's'. What if the transfusion had helped and he could have still been with us? What if the medication they would have given him after the transfusion would have extended his life? All because we didn't have the money for the transfusion. That just tears me up so bad, I cry all the time, I miss him so much. I don't see how I can ever get over this loss. My home is so vacant now. I can't bear to part with his things yet, but I look at them and break down in tears. His litter box is in the hallway and I can see it when I'm in the restroom. I still see him teetering on the edge as he did his business, he was so funny that way. I don't know how to cope with this loss. He was such a beautiful spirit. He sat on me everytime I was home. He'd be at the front door waiting for me to come in from work. He followed me around where ever I went. He couldn't wait to sit on my lap. He jump up on my husbands lap just to cross over it to get to me. He was in every sense, my cat. And now he's gone. I don't know what I'm gonna do with out him. Why???? I love you Champagne and wish I could do Thursday over again. I am heartbroken. A part of me has died with him.

Dear Imtancy,

I am new to this site too and am so sorry to read of your loss. It's so difficult to part with our sweet, furry little family members. It does feel like we'll never get past the pain and be able to just remember them with a smile. I don't know if it will help, but I'd like to share a small part of my story with you - it may help ease the guilt you're feeling over the financial issue you were faced when you said good-bye.

I lost my gentle, beautiful, loving little 8 year old Golden Retriever 2 weeks ago. Her name was Peggy. I had Peggy at the vet the morning she died and paid almost $300 to have her checked out (she experiencd a brief period where she seemed to be having trouble breathing). They diagnosed a mild case of asthma and sent us home. About six hours after we got home, she collapsed in my kitchen and I rushed her to Tufts Animal Hospital (on of the best and most expensive animal hospitals in Massachusetts). I am very fortunate that finances are not a huge issue at this time (I'm not rolling in money but I'm finally back at work and I make a very good living). Tufts rushed her in and told me she had fluid in her heart sack and it needed to be drained immediately. They did not know the cause at that time. Tufts estimated that it would cost $2000.00 to treat her between that Friday night and Monday morning, when the cardiac team would be on-site and able to determine the exact cause of the problem. They required a 50% deposit before they would take any action. I paid the $1000.00 gladly, thinking it would help my sweet girl. Long story short, they were not able to stop the blood from filling the heart sack (there was internal bleeding from tumors on her heart and it just kept filling up and pressuring her heart). 5 hours later she was gone. Part of my guilt is that I subjected her to such a horrible procedure (injecting a needle into her heart to drain the fluid/blood), multiple times, before she passed. And it served no purpose.

I have accepted that when it's time for us to go, nothing on earth is going to stop the process (regardless of how much money we throw at the problem - all tolled that day, Tufts wanted an additional $280.00 on top of the $1000.00 I paid when she was admitted, and that was on top of the $300.00 that morning at her regular vet). In my case, money was not a factor in Peggy's care but it made absolutely no difference in the outcome. The fact that you were not in a financial position to try desperate and heroic measures, doesn't mean you failed as a Mom. Based on what you've shared of Champagne's health issues, it's possible that nothing you tried would have worked - and then you would have had the guilt of subjecting him to procedures that did nothing but prolong his fear and suffering (and be struggling with thousands of dollars in bills). And even if the procedure had a more positive outcome, it's possible his quaility of life would have been severely compromised - and you would have been faced with the same decision again just a week or month later. So please, try as hard as you can to let go of the guilt. All anyone can ask of others or themselves is that they do the best they can, with the resources they have at that time. And do it all from a place of love. Clearly you did that for Champagne and he knew how much you loved him.

I will also share this, and I mean it from a place of love. I have had many animals in my life and my Peggy was the most special of all. But like all of the others before her, seemed to know she was about to pass. It's hard to explain but there's a look they give you when you're in those final moments together - even if you're not in the room with them, they will give you a look that says 'good-bye and I love you', before they're taken into the exam room. I'm betting that even through your pain, you saw Champagne's eyes conveying his love to you before he passed and I'm betting his fear was gone. I was very fortunate that the Dr allowed us to be with Peggy as she passed and I am convinced she was relieved that we were allowing her to go, and not subjecting her to additional procedures, trying to hold her here. The downside of having financial resources is that you have to pull back emotionally while you're in the situation and question if what you're doing is really in your loved ones best interest or in your best interest (because it's hard to avoid being selfish and holding them, even when there's little or no hope for a positive outcome). Had I not had the resources, Peggy would have been spared the 5 hours of fear and pain while having a needle injected into her heart sack - instead, I'd be trying to get over guilt of not having the resources. In this case, you and I are on opposite sides of the same financial coin but we both have to let go of the guilt and regret. We each did the absolute best we could at the time and were trying to focus on their best interest and not our own. I swear, I can tell by the way you write that you truly did everything possible for Champagne and I promise you, he knew that and loved you for it. In the end, all we can ask for is to have as peaceful a passing as possible and Champagne was probably grateful that you were allowing him to go to a place where there was no more pain or fear, no more health issues and no more vet offices for him to visit. He's young, healthy and free and waiting patiently for you. And I'm sure he comes to visit you and tries to ease your pain.

I wish I could tell you how to let go of the pain and focus on all your wonderful, comforting memories of him. Unfortunately, I'm struggling to get to that place myself. I'm destroyed by my Peggy's passing and feel like I'll never get past the pain. Even when I allow myself to think of the happy memories and acknowledge how fortunate I was to even meet a soul like her, I can't stop the tears. I just want her back and the house is so empty without her (I work from home a lot and she was always glued to my side). I will pray that you find some comfort in your wonderful memories and that the pain will lessen and allow you to only remember the joy he brought you.

I will keep you and Champagne in my prayers and I send you a big hug.

Take care,

Peggy The Human
P.S. Peggy The Dog came to us at the age of 2. We did not know her or her previous owners before she came to us and she had shared my name her entire life (how's that for a sign that you're meant to adopt a specific animal?)