Browndog is a sweet special boy. He was a stray that found ME!
One of the most laid back dogs you'd ever meet.
He's a sharpei mix... with a sweet wrinkly face... and eyes full of expression

A year and a half ago (11yrs old) he developed a growth on his side, near his back leg about the size of a walnut.

They told us it was a mast cell tumor. I was so frightened, i researched for hours and hours.
We had it removed and he seemed to be doing great. ....
Until another grew back in almost the same spot. But this time it had a friend. An internal tumor in the groin area that was almost only noticeable by touch. We scheduled another surgery.
How bittersweet to greet your dog after surgery ....
Well, the vet was reluctant to removed the internal tumor
I was confused. Torn with fears and questions. He suggested chemotherapy.. palladia..
Though i would spend my last dime to make my boy healthy,... financially - major chemotherapy wasn't in my budget..
In the meantime the tumor grew....
I researched more and sought ways to help him that i could afford..
Prednisone, benadryl, cimetidine, pain meds..
At first these helped. The tumor shrank.
But eventually it became resistant and grew more..in addition the skin erupted as mast cell tumors sometimes do..

Now here we are Browndog is still taking his meds, but that tumor stares back at me every day.
I'm so angry at it for trying to steal my boy!!!
He still likes to eat...still alert. Still sweet and stubborn...
But i know he has to be so uncomfortable.
I give him tramadol and a salve with pain relief.
Last week he started having seizures... we had blood work checked
Elevated liver kidney but not outrageous....
He seems to be a little weak in his legs though.. just a little more wobbly ....

I'm like a bumbling fool when it comes to what i should do.
Cry like a lost child when i think of him being gone.
But of course i don't want him suffering.
He still looks at me with that questioning look when i cry.
How can i decide what's quality of life in his eyes?
He's still getting around but how do i know if its dreadful?

I keep hearing "you'll know when its time " and while i agree, i must admit - if that means letting him deteriorate till he looks at me pleadingly to end his suffering - i"m just not sure i can bear that either.

I'm a mess. I don't even like leaving him alone. Thanks to my fiance i am able to spend these days with my boy......
Sometimes though i feel it makes it harder on me.

Thanks for reading.
Sorry about the long post. I needed to get some of it off my chest.

<3 Browndog's mom

Dear Browndog's_ mom
Thinking of you and sending prayers for you and your precious Browndog. You are loving him and caring for him which is all he needs right now. Hopefully if he still seems to be enjoying his food and the meds are keeping the pain at bay, you may have some more time together to treasure every moment. He will let you know when things get to be too much for him. Bless him. Please let us know how he is doing, whenever you can.

Hugs
Jan and my Angels and Pixie xx

Hi, Browndog's mom, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in this very difficult time you and your precious Browndog are going through. Anticipatory grief is very hard because our hearts are clinging to the hope that a miracle can still happen that will restore our beloved companions' health and enable them to stay physically with us.

Jan has already given you the best advice: "Hopefully if he still seems to be enjoying his food and the meds are keeping the pain at bay, you may have some more time together to treasure every moment." Cancer is a very nasty illness. Once it gets a hold on our furkids' bodies it seems unrelentless. When my Eli had lymphoma, I did approve palliative chemo treatments for him. When my beautiful baby girl Abbygayle was diagnosed with Fibrosarcoma, the only "treatment" I approved was surgery. I knew it was Abbygayle's time to join the angels when she stopped eating and she developed a serious limp on her left rear leg which was rapidly becoming useless for support - - and it was uncomfortable for her to be held. She was, and always will be, my precious little cuddles girl, but the last days of her earthly journey were not comfortable for her to be held. It was her time.

Browndog's mom, you are doing everything that is within your power to keep your precious boy comfortable and happy. Treasure this time that you have with your precious boy, as I know you are already doing, and as Jan has already so compassionately shared, you will know in your heart when it is time to let your precious Browndog go home to the angels - - and you will have the strength and courage to comfort him in his journey.

Browndog's mom, please know you and your precious boy are in my thoughts and prayers. Please know we are here for you to help you through this very difficult time. And please do let us know how you and your precious Browndog are doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

First I just wanted to sincerely thank you both for your reply and even those who just read my post. It means alot to me.
Going through this journey with Browndog has not been easy. Lots of ups. Lots of Downs. Admitting to yourself that eventually you will be without your pet...one that's been there through thick and thin (with a happy face and wagging tail) is so difficult..
I always thought I would handle this time so much better. That I'd accept that my boy couldn't possibly live forever much more peacefully.
But I'm not. Sure I have days, moments,times when Brown is feeling well and I'm okay. But when reality hits me or he has a seizure I sometimes become awful and grumpy and angry...I snap at my fiance and even resent him and his dog who is healthy. (Both of whom i love very much) I start to feel paralyzed like the world is closing in.
Am i too attached to my dog?
I've told myself no more dogs after this until i have children to share them with.
I wish things were different.
Once again thanks for reading and thanks for your heartfelt replies.
Talking about it even to a computer screen helps.
<3 Browdogs mom

Hi, Browndog's mom, no - - you are not "too attached" to your precious Browndog. The love bond you share with him is real. He is giving you an eternity of unconditional love and undivided attention, and you have rightfully surrendered a part of yourself that only belongs to him. What you are feeling is normal, Browndog's mom, and nothing to be ashamed of.

Unfortunately there is no way in heaven or on earth that we can ever truly "prepare" ourselves for the inevitable physical absence of someone we love - - be they our beloved companions or a human family member or friend. If this were possible, then one would suppose that the grief journey would be easier, right? The truth is our hearts are never ready to "accept" the physical absence of the ones we love and cherish - - and that's why the grief journey - - both the Anticipatory Grief and the post-loss grief journey are ones of "adjustment" rather than acceptance.

Anger with your fiance and his healthy dog is a normal reaction to what you are going through, and I hope your fiance is understanding and supportive.

Browndog's mom, there truly is no "good" time to be faced with the loss of a beloved companion. Each of us can only do the best we can with the circumstances we are facing. One of the most important things to remember during these times of deep sorrow and high stress is that you are not alone.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Browndog's mom, and please let us know how things are going whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Click to view attachment
I love my sweet boy. We've had alot of great years and things are winding down. And I'm trying to be at peace with it.. Soon he'll take that trip home to the angels...and i know no more pain. Still the hardest thing ever. I just hope his little doggie soul forgives me for being an imperfect human. <3

Hi, Browndog's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how things are going. The love bond with your precious Browndog is eternal, and Browndog's devotion to you is everlasting. He knows you love him with all your heart, and he knows you are having to make the greatest sacrifice to let him be healed to his former youthfulness in the company of the angels. There is no greater love than this, Browndog's mom, and nothing can ever take this infinite love away from either of you.

Please know you and your precious Browndog are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how things are going whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Well ....the day is tomorrow.
How ever am I going to have the courage to say goodbye? Sometimes he has moments where he's happy and comfortable and i forget what's happening.
I wish i could somehow know for sure what's after this life. I wish i knew that rainbow bridge was really real. Then it might not be so hard or seem so permanent an end.
I know he's tired of that #%@& tumor. And those seizures break his spirit.
I'm tired for him too. I worry for him Every Minute of the day. I think I may sleep for 3 days after wards..
This is so hard. I'm trying to be strong for him.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for your replies ....esp. moonbeam. Thanks.
must go cherish moments...
Jenn

Hi, Jenn, how well I know the agony you are going through, and now that you know the hours are drawing to a close on your earthly journey with your precious Browndog the time you share is more preciouis than ever. Please let me reassure you that your precious Browndog's sweet Living Spirit will be eternally grateful to you for releasing him from his failing physical body so that he can once again be restored to his former youthfulness in the company of the angels. I do firmly believe there is a heaven, and this heaven is for all of creation, and that when it is our appropriate time, we will be reunited with our beloved companions in eternal joy. So, try to believe this, too, Jenn. Try to think of what you believe to be the most perfect image of peace and serenity and joy - - and know that thanks to your unselfish eternal love your precious Browndog will be there no longer bound to a frail physical body.

Jenn, my heart is with you and your precious Browndog. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how things are going whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Jenn,

I've been where you are. What an agonizing place that is. The time leading up to releasing them is as bad as the hours, days immediately afterward.

Your mind tells you that you are doing what is best to end the suffering but your heart just doesn't want to let go. You do not really have to "let go" as Browndog will always be a part of you.

You are in my thoughts as you travel along with all the rest of us here who are going through this journey together in various stages. Some recent, some many times with a number of fur children and others who are just beginning the process.

Hi, Jenn, just stopping by to let you know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I know today was a very difficult one for you. Please know we are here for you, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Well... my bubby is at rest...
Letting go is hard. I've cried alot... my love for that boy was tremendous. I can't say I've known anything like it. I realize that gift of solace and loyalty he gave me is a sparkling jewel in the timeline of my life. What I wouldn't give to have him here now... but none of us will stay on this earth forever...
I also know if anything is real in this life its love and I'll do my best to push my love out into the unknown so my boy can always find it and feel it.

I love you Browndog and mommy never wanted to let you go. But that cancer was taking you anyway and I wasn't going to allow it to have your doggie dignity. So cheers to you bubb! Your life was amazing to be a part of!! Thank you! See you someday! <3

Thank all of you for reading and allowing my and brown's story to be told.
My heartfelt blessings to all of you.

Browndogs Mom.
Jennifer.

Hi, Jennifer, thank you so o o much for letting us know how you're doing. This grief journey is very challenging - - so many different emotions to contend with, sort through, sometimes overwhelming us all at one time even when we know beyond all shadow of a doubt that we did the right things by our beloved companions.

Thank you so much for sharing a picture of your precious Browndog with us, and I hope and pray that you do know that the love bond you shared together during his earthly journey with you continues on - - for love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. It will take time, lots of time, to adjust to the physical absence of your precious Browndog. You may now find yourself asking "what do I do now?" because during your precious Browndog's earthly journey he was the center of your universe - - your life was directly connected to his physical needs. But now you will need to establish a "new normal", and this is a one day at a time adjustment. Please know you are not alone in your grief journey, Jennifer, for each of us are here with you, for you, and beside you for as long and as often as you need us.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Jennifer, and look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam