Last night, my baby was put to sleep....she died happy, eating from a bowl of treats before she just went asleep. She was a 14 1/2 year old Labrador Retriever. She had severe arthritis, she was taking multiple doses of codeine a day to keep the pain down. The past few months she could hardly walk, could hardly get up (she couldn't at all if she was lying down on a linoleum floor), and she could only stand for about a minute, because it was too hard for her....we had to carry her out to the backyard for her to do her business, because she couldn't walk there herself...and it was hard for her to control her bowel movements, so usually she would start doing her business while we were taking her down the stairs outside.... and the past month and a half she just stopped wagging her tail. I saw her wag it slightly maybe twice, since. And she was such a happy dog.

I miss her so much....I love her so much.... I had her since she was a puppy, and I have been through so much with her. and what hurts is that I even feel guilt, like did I do the right thing by putting her down.... is this normal? please.... please help me...I don't know what to do and how to cope with this.

Hi, Kristinak, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved companion. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can offer our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can once again be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

I do so understand how shattered your heart is feeling, Kristinak. It has only been 13 months and 2 weeks since my handsome Black Lab, Oslo, joined the angels (see my post on Oslo if you'd like). He, too, had many health issues, including degenerative neuropathy in his hind legs from Laryngeal Paralysis. It was a stroke that finally made "the decision" absolutely necessary. If it's any comfort to you, your beautiful baby girl is now with my Oslo and all of the precious beloved companions living with the angels, and she is now restored to her former youthfulness telling everyone in heaven's perfect garden how much she is loved. For you see, Kristinak, love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space - - and your beloved beautiful girl is forever with you in your heart and memories. Nothing can ever take her away from you.

Unfortunately guilt is a part of this grief journey - - even when we know we have done everything humanly and humanely possible - - beyond all shadow of a doubt, and is one of the harder emotions of this grief journey to reconcile. Guilt is the product of the "finality" - - and the looking back at all the "what if's" "I should have's" "why didn't I's" and on and on and on. The reality is that we are only human beings without the benefit of omnipotence - - we can only do the best we can with the circumstances and the information that we have at any given time. We make mistakes, and we don't have the privilege of "foreknowledge" to help guide us in preventing accidents or the eventual physical absence of our beloved companions. Our "wisdom" comes from hindsight - - the looking back, learning from our mistakes as well as - - hopefully -- - finding a peace in our hearts that will allow us to embrace the sweet Living Spirit of our beloved companions who are in the company of the angels. So, yes, guilt is perfectly normal, but hopefully in time your heart will be able to find peace and comfort.

Kristinak, this grief journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one minute at a time journey. It has so many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds - - sometimes overwhelming us all at once. It is often referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Unfortunately there is no way to hasten this grief journey, no fast forward through it. Clinical professionals now recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion is as painful, if not more so, as the loss of a human family member or friend. Our beloved companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn, surrender ourselves to them completely. This is one of the many reasons why it is so painful for us - - both emotionally and physically - - when they precede us to the angels.

It is important that you give yourself permission to grieve, Kristinak, for the release of your emotions will literally physically rid your body of the toxins that build up from the stress of grieving. Some people think that if they suppress their grief that it will lessen the pain of their loss. Clinical studies prove that this is not the case - - instead, the suppressed grief causes both physical and emotional challenges that eventually will need to be dealt with, and sometimes the challenges can be life threatening. So, please allow yourself to grieve, Kristinak. I know it's painful, particularly during the deep grief, but it is essential for both your emotional and physical health later on.

And it is extremely important for you to know you are NOT alone during this grief journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through and what you are feeling, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Kristinak. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing picture(s) of your precious companion and sharing your memories of her.

Thank you so much for sharing with us about your precious girl. I sincerely hope that you will feel both our individual and collective support and encouragement reaching out to you to try to bring some confort and hope to your sorrowful heart.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Krisitnak, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Kristinak,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please realize, first of all, that you have only just gone through this last night - your loss is very fresh. You are still in shock. You cannot even begin to process it yet. I have lost 7 dogs in the past 25 years and each and every one has been different. They were all staggeringly devastating - words cannot be found, so I won't even try. But one common thread for all of them was this - no matter how each one passed, I somehow managed to blame myself and feel tremendous guilt. I think it's just something we naturally do. Maybe it's one of the stages of grief, I don't know. It's also not my place to sanction your actions but at the same time, from what you have said, it sounds like you acted from love and released the soul of a dog whose body had ceased to serve her. I know from experience how brutally painful that decision is and how much we second-guess ourselves for making it. Only time will help you feel better - I know it's impossible to believe from where you sit this day, but there will come a point where your pain will turn to treasured memories and although there will always be some sadness in your heart, I'm not going to lie to you, the good memories and happy thoughts will overtake your painful feelings. But you will go through some pretty bad days first. The first two weeks after I sent my Jack to the Rainbow Bridge in April 2009, I barely could get out of bed. He was the last of several dogs die that I had together and my house was so quiet and my life seemed so pointless I didn't know what to do. Losing our animal companions is, as far as I've experienced it at least, a loss so profound that I sometimes don't really know what to say because there really isn't anything to say. But please know that there are many of us that share your pain with every fiber of our being. You did the right thing. I think maybe the reason we so often question ourselves is because we wish we hadn't. I'm really sorry for your loss and wish I could do something to make you feel better. I'll pray for you.

Hi KristinaK

I am so sorry for your loss - this time last week I put my gorgeous border collie/husky cross Tam to sleep. I have never felt the physical and emotional grief I experienced last weekend - you will be in my thoughts and prayers this weekend.

Take care - this site is wonderful.....

Margie

Oh you beautiful soul,

I'm so sorry that your best friend is no longer at your side to snuggle with and talk to and Merlin is correct this is all very fresh for you at the moment, while I didn't realize it at the time, I think shock is the state we are all in shortly after losing our best friends.

Having lost my best friend Sassy 3 weeks ago I know what you are going through.

And while it makes no sense now and all you want is for her to be back with you, you made the right decision for her, because I am sure that any amount of time suffering was too long and you would have done and HAVE done whatever it took to ensure she was safe and comfortable and no longer in pain.

If the truth be known, we don’t want our friends with us if they are in pain, we want them with us only if they are healthy, because making them suffer so we can have them closer isn’t part of our love for them.

Each of us grieves differently, I was very open and needed to be surrounded by her things, I still carry her ashes from room to room so she is still with me, I sleep with a trinket around my neck that reminds me of her, many little rituals to get me through.

Take your time and do whatever you need to do to get through each day.

Post what you can when you can and tell us some stories about your little girl after 14.5 years you would have a tonne of great ones, especially a Lab Retriever a friend has one, cantankerous types!

I do thank you all for your kind words... but I can't do this.... this whole day I have been crying...and if I do something to distract me, like watch TV, I'll be fine for 20 minutes but then I'll just burst into tears thinking about my baby....and I'm experiencing anger...and then guilt...and then horrible horrible sadness....I'll stop being angry for a minute and burst into tears again... and I don't know what to do because I'm supposed to be going on "vacation" tomorrow with a friend...how can it be a vacation? And I'm so worried because in 2 weeks I'm moving out of the country, I'm supposed to be studying abroad...and I can't, I just can't, I just want to stay in my room and cry for a month....and I'm so worried because I can't do that....Life has to go on and I just don't feel like I can go on with it

I just feel like I didn't do the right thing....I wish she was here with me.... I'm crying right now and I can't stop

Everyone on the site has gone through or is going through the very same cycle. Guilt for doing or not doing, sadness because you can't have them near you, grief for the loss of your dearest friend, anger that they are not there and that it's not fair they don't stay with us that long. I know I had alot of anger when people said she is in a better place, no a BETTER PLACE is here with me I thought.

It's all moving at light speed and don't think you can control any of it. slow down and take each moment for what it is ... experience the feelings.

You will get through this

Hi, Kristinak, feeling our deep grief is very painful - - both emotionally and physically. I vividly remember the gut-wrenching sobbing while driving to and from work, and being ever so thankful for the privacy of the restroom at work where I could go for a few moments to collect myself so that I could go back to my desk to continue my work. The waking up in the middle of the night sobbing, the emptiness - - the chasm in my heart - - feeling like it had been ripped out of my body. The keyboard dripping with tears as I typed - - not knowing if I was on the right keys so that others could even read what was pouring out from the deepest grief in my heart.

Kristinak, I am so sorry you are faced with the commitments ahead of you at a time that has brought such a significant sorrowful change to your life. There is never a "right" time to lose the physical presence of our beloved companions, and I am so sorry that your loss is compounded by so many changes that are happening so quickly for you.

Today you were supposed to go on vacation, and I'm wondering if you did. If not, I'm glad you were able to defer this commitment. As for the commitment to studying abroad, this is something only you can decide if you can postpone or if it is a commitment that must be kept. If it is a commitment that must be kept, Kristinak, please know that your beloved baby's sweet Living Spirit will be with you wherever you go and whatever you do, for she is forever a part of your heart and your life, although it is a very hard adjustment to not having her precious physical body to hold close to you.

Kristinak, your world is now turned upside down, and I do know the feeling of just wishing that the world would go away, the wondering why am I still here. Kristinak, you are not alone in your grief journey. I am standing right here beside you, along with each of the wonderful people in this forum. Close your eyes, Kristinak, and try to feel our individual and collective strength reaching out to you, holding you. We're here for you.

Kristinak, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I lost my almost 13yr old black lab over 14 months ago and I so felt everything you are feeling. I thought I couldn't go on without my soulmate, I didn't want to go on, I couldn't breathe is the best way I can describe it. I questioned my decision over and over again to send him to the rainbow bridge. I didn't think it would ever get better..... But it does, it's going to take time, but you will look back at your time with your baby and smile.

All these feeling you are having are part of the process and it's just something you have to go through unfortunately. I wish I could take everyone's pain away on here, but it's just something we all have to do I guess. Even after a year I still miss my Brutus so much, but I've learned to smile when I think of him (and still sometimes a tear or two).

Hang in there, be good to yourself and do whatever you need to do, be it scream, cry, get angry, don't hold back at all, let it out.

I hope your travels go well, and although you are questioning the timing, I think it's good to have something to try to keep your mind off this pain so much. It will get better, it really will.

Many hugs to you and your fur baby,
Brutus' Mom

Hi Kristinak,

I'm just checking back again to see how you're doing. I know this may sound weird, but a change of environment may not be the worse thing for you. You're going to be grieving terribly no matter what but it may make it a bit easier if you have something to take your mind off of it just a little bit. I'm hope I don't sound insensitive in saying that but I speak from experience. When I first put Jack down, I literally could not pick up any of his toys or his food bowl or anything. In fact, even now, almost two years later and with a new companion in the house (my beautiful Sweetie), there is still a beanbag chair in the exact shape of Jack's body. Since he was the last one to lie on it, I have never been able to get myself to move it and disturb his sweet shape. Like Sassy, I have all my dogs' ashes in cremation boxes and a small token or two and for the last two, I wear their ashes in cremation pendants around my neck. You can do some of these things no matter where you are but going to your semester abroad will help you in your grieving. Your memories will come with you. You will make the decision that works best for you I'm sure. I hope you are doing o.k. Just know that people are thinking about you and we care.

KristinaK Hi and I hope your weekend was a step forward in your journey towards being at peace with your (responsible) decision/act of love to have your baby's suffering controlled. The grief journey is very individual but I wish you a steady path. MargieJane

Hi everyone that replied back to me,

I'm back from my vacation and it actually was really good for me. merlin96, you were right. I don't feel as terrible as I did just before it. Thank you everyone for your kind words...it really does mean a lot to me, and it makes me feel better even reading your comments. And moon_beam, I think the vacation made me realize that I will be okay going abroad.

I have her picture that I placed right beside my computer. It makes me sad but it also makes me smile slightly. I still miss her a lot

If you all are still reading this, I'd like to ask you something... I know that some of you have had more than one pet, and some haven't... I am wondering, if you go through so much pain when one of them dies, how do you find the emotional strength to bring another one into your home?

Firstly, let me say how sorry I am that you had to say goodbye to your baby. We all know how you feel, trust us on that. It does get better, even after the first few weeks. The grief roller coaster will take you to different places, so you have to do your best to hang on. Some days will be better than others. But you just had to say goodbye to your friend, so what you are feeling is normal and expected. We hurt so much because we loved them so much.

To answer your question, some people cannot adopt another pet after losing one, but most can. I think the reason we can is that the joy and companionship these animals bring us greatly overshadows the pain we experience when we lose them. We also know that there are animals out there who need loving homes and we can provide that to them. Many times these fur balls show up on our door step without us even looking! We never ever replace the pets that leave us, just as we can never replace a friend or family member who passes. But we can begin new relationships, it just takes different amounts of time for different people. You will know if and when you are ready for another pet.

I consider the pain we feel to be the "price" we pay for the joy these animals bring us. My wife and I always say we'd never trade for one second the 9 years we shared with Reggie knowing how much pain we've had to endure from his loss. This has been without a doubt the most difficult thing we've experienced as a married couple. We know we won't experience 9 years of pain of the same magnitude (much less 9 years of pain in general) as the 9 years of joy we experienced.

Hi, Kristinak, I am so glad that your vacation helped you and that you are once again looking forward to your studies abroad. This is very good news indeed.

Concerning adoption of another companion, Aaron has given you the best response and guidance possible.

Kristinak, again, I am so glad your vacation helped you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please do let us know how things are going for you whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam