I lost my beloved Sugar this past Friday and I don't know if I'll ever get over the guilt that I feel for everything that I have done or haven't done. I know guilt is a part of the grieving process and it's normal to second-guess yourself. However, I do feel like there were certain conscious decisions that I have made that were more than "poor judgement" on my part. I cannot apologize enough to my beloved Sugar because those poorly made decisions ultimately caused her her life and there is nothing in the world that I can do that will bring her back.

You see, over a month ago I quit my old job and in between the one week time before the start of my next job I brought Sugar to a vet for a checkup. I figured that I was going to be extremely busy once the new job began and I was hoping to get some things done before then.

The annual checkup was one, but Sugar also desperately needed a good dental cleaning and I was not able to book an appointment for that week. They also required blood work to be done within 3 months of any dental procedure. During the routine checkup the vet wanted to do blood work and I said no because I guess I wanted to wait until after my new job began before deciding on when she would be getting her dental cleaning (so we'd only need to do blood work only once).

I don't believe anyone can fully understand how much I regret that decision right now. I'm not saying that if I had found out a month earlier about Sugar's kidney disease that she would have been saved, but at least she would have been treated sooner. Her life might have been prolonged a week or two longer and boy how much I wouldn't give to have that extra week or two with her.

The past two weeks have been extremely difficult for me, after Sugar stopped eating altogether I brought her to see a local vet to do that much needed blood test on a Saturday. Getting the test result back on Monday afternoon and seeing the numbers as compared to the average was like a lightning striking down on me (I fully understood now how this website was named). I knew her condition was bad, and after speaking with the vet I knew her condition was pretty much hopeless. I did not want to give up and decided to seek a second opinion at a more "specialized" hospital a few days later. Sugar underwent daily IV fluid therapy but when another blood test was performed approx. a week later I was given two options, one was to admit her to the hospital where she'd continue to get the fluid therapy (which we knew was ineffective in removing toxins from her blood) or to euthanize her. Given that she only had days to live I wanted her to be home and not be at a hospital and be hooked up to a machine.

My boss hasn't been very supportive and I can't blame him because I'm sure they did not count on me not being able to work for an extended period of time. I remember this past Monday while at work I was so distraught that I went to my boss trying to explain to him that I needed to be home with Sugar. The words never came out, I rushed out of his office in tears. Later I sent an email to him explaining everything that I couldn't say in person. I wrote that it was hard for me to concentrate on work knowing that Sugar only had days to live, if that. He responded saying that of course I should be home with her. Unfortunately when I wanted to spend more than a day at home with Sugar the boss became less understanding. I remember the following day when I made the morning call to the boss informing him that I was not going in that he said that he "hoped" to see me the next day. The way he responded made me feel guilty that Sugar was still alive.

Anyway, I had to euthanize Sugar a few days later after she seized for over an hour. I don't think I'll ever get that image of her suffering out of my head. I regret that I was trying to hold on to her that I did not do the right thing right away when she first exhibited signs of involuntary twitching. I made her suffer on that last day of her life and I will be carrying that guilt with me for as long as I shall live. I love her so much and yet I'm not able to attend her cremation tomorrow because of work. I want to quit my job so badly because jobs are replaceable and Sugar is not. Many people tell me to be rational about this but it is difficult when you're dealing with matters close to your heart. I have asked my mother and aunt to go to the crematory tomorrow to see Sugar off. They will be bringing her ashes back to me. I just wonder if I'll regret the decision not being there tomorrow. I just don't know......

Chris

Chris..
I am sorry about your loss...
I am not in any position to give advice.. I just found this board today...
I lost my companion of 14 years this past Friday as well.
(my story is listed under "someone please tell me this gets better" a few posts down)
I just wanted you to know that we share that date.. and that I understand every second of what you are going through.. because I am 2 days in as well..
I will be thinking of you
Christine

HI Chris,
I am so sorry for your loss of our dog.
Guilt is part of the grieving process for all of us pet parents. We feel guilty that we we put them too sleep too soon, or we feel guilty that we waited to long. I don't know anyone who has ever felt that they did it at just the right time. I've been on both sides. I had a cat 10 years ago that I now believe I let suffer too long before putting her to sleep and then there is Opie that I feel I may have been to hasty.
The bottom line is, we love our pets and we always were doing what we felt was right. You had no idea he would start seizing. You can't blame yourself. Furthermore, from what I understand, when an animal has a seizure they don't feel any pain or remember any of it. I hope that fact can comfort you a little bit.
The pain of loosing a pet in such a rapid way as you did is difficult to deal with. It takes time to wrap your mind around it.
Please be kind to yourself. You were doing all you could. You took him to the vet and put him on the fluids when you knew there was a problem. You did what you could. We can see how much you loved him.

Chris, I am sorry for your loss and can truly say that I (as well as others) know how you feel right now. No matter what happens, you always second guess yourself as to what more you could have done or what you could have done differently. That is something we have all felt after the loss of a pet, friend or relative. I hope this is not offensive to you or anyone else, but my wife and I put Reggie into the care of a specialist where he stayed for ~9 days receiving treatment for his liver disease. We know we did what most would not due to the costs involved of such treatment, but even though we gave him such care, I found myself second guessing the decisions we made after he came home. Should we have rushed him back to the vet at the very first instance of something not being "right"? Should we have left him at the vet for a few more days? I have replayed those scenarios in my head over and over to the point of it making me physically ill. My point is that it never matters what you do or don't do, you will replay those events in your head and it's part of the grieving process. I finally had to tell myself to stop because I knew that no matter what I could have or should have done, Reggie was not a part of this physical world anymore.

We love our pets so much and they love us unconditionally that we want to do anything we can for them. Even when we do that, it's tough to accept the fact that we helped them as much as we could.

I hope you may continue to heal over time, as I know you will. It will at times be a difficult ride, but with the support of this site and others around you, you will be able to heal from your loss. Please try to know that you did all you could and your feelings are not uncommon.

Hi, Chris, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the loss of your beloved Sugar. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our beloved companions - - at great sacrifice to ourselves - - so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Chris, unfortunately guilt is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile during this grief journey. It is a culmination of all the "hindsight" - - the looking back - - some of it processing all the things that were not quite perceptible at the time, but things that would "nag" at us in the back of our minds. Most of it, though, is from the heartbreaking grief of not having our beloved companions physical presence with us, the aching to hold them, to physically feel them with us. Unfortunately, our beloved companions' physical bodies are the same as ours - - they are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity. It doesn't matter how long our earthly journey is with them - - we will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more - - lifetime - - with them.

I do understand what you're going through, as I have had to release a few companions to the angels because of kidney failure. Unfortunately our beloved companions are artists at hiding and disguising their aches and pains until they no longer can do so. And by the time that we finally put "two and two together" that something is not "right", the medical situation has already progressed. Unfortunately we are not "mind readers", we are not able to "foresee" what is happening with our beloved companions before things happen to them, or before their health issues become critical.

Chris, unfortunately our society does not acknowledge that the grieving, including the Anticipatory Grief stage, of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend. Clinical professionals have just begun to acknowledge it, and are in agreement that the grief stages are identical to the loss of a human family member or friend. Your supervisor is focused on having an employee in the office to do the work as hired. I have learned not to share my private life with my supervisor or co-workers for they truly do not accept the reality that companion animals have any "worth" - - they are "just animals."

So, how did I make it through the work day? Thank goodness for the privacy of the restroom where I could go to regain some composure so that I could go back to my desk to work. The opportunities for release came during the drive to and from work - - sobbing - - gut wrenching sobbing, waking up in the middle of the night sobbing from the depths of a breaking heart, and any other time I could do so in privacy. Not even my family understands the depths of grief for my losses.

Coming here to Lightning Strike has been a tremendous help to me, - - I truly feel like I am among friends who totally know and understand what this horrible grief journey is like. And Chris, I hope you know you are among friends here, too, for each of us do understand what you are feeling and are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Chris, your precious Sugar would want you to do what is best for YOU. She definitely would not want you to lose your job. She knows your heart -- - she is with you in your heart even now - - and she knows you love her deeply, truly, eternally. I know it's so very hard when your heart is one place but you are physically committed to another - - namely, your job. It sounds to me like the less your supervisor and co-workers know about your private life the happier you will be working there.

Chris, I wish this grief journey was easier, but unfortunately it is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one moment at a time journey. But please remember you are not alone - - we are here for you every step of the way, beside you, walking this journey with you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Chris, and please do let us know how things are going whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I believe there is no need for guilt, when we offer our love to our pet. We do the best we can out of love and, hopefully, can retain that in our memory and hearts long after our pet's body has left us. Our mission is to return the love our pet gave us during its life. We can do this.

Something that has helped me cope with Reggie's passing is that I know had he not found me that Nov 2001 night, he might not have been able to lead the life he did and my wife and I would not have had the chance to know him for the 9 years that we did. No matter how much time we spend with our pets, we have to remember that the life we gave them was exponentially better than the life they would have had otherwise.

Thank you all for the support and advice. It's been about 4 days since Sugar's passing. The sense of loss and emptiness comes over me whenever I'm alone, like when I'm walking to my car after work. I cried during the drive home yesterday but felt a lot better after receiving Sugar's ashes upon arriving home. I felt that she was still somehow with me though I could not feel her presence at all. I was hoping that she'd find her way into my dreams at night but so far that hasn't happen. I'm really scared that I will never see her again...

I am no dream expert, but if you want to try and have Sugar appear in your dreams, try and think of fond memories before falling asleep or maybe look at some special pictures of her before falling asleep. I tend to think that the dreams we want to have will happen when we become more at ease, which takes times. I've only had one dream with Reggie in it and it wasn't really a memorable dream, although it wasn't a bad dream either.

Sugar was a family member and 4 days is such a short amount of time since she left this physical world. It's difficult, nobody will lie about that. But you will slowly "adjust" to this loss, even though it does not seem like it now.

Hi, Chris, getting our beloved companions' ashes back home can be very comforting. For me, I have always felt a relief once I get my furkids' ashes back home.

As for dreams, sometimes when we are in deep grief the grief blocks our ability to feel our beloved companion's presence with us. This is normal, and the reassurance is that our beloved companoins are indeed with us, including while we are going through the horrible adjustment of living without their sweet physical presence with us. But even if we are not blessed with visits in our dreams, Chris, I assure you beyond all shadow of a doubt that you and your precious Sugar will be reunited one day in joyful perfection - - when it is your appropriate time to join her - - never to be separated again. And what a glorious reunion that will be!! And your precious Sugar will be waiting for you with uncontainable excitement to greet you and show you all around heaven's perfect garden and introduce you to all the angels.

But until that time, Chris, your precious Sugar's sweet Living Spirit is forever with you in your heart and memories, and she wants you to be happy as you continue in your earthly journey - - for she is forever with you wherever you go and whatever you do. She is sharing your life right now at this moment just as she has always shared it during her physical earthly journey with you. Continue to talk to her just as you always have for the sound of your voice is still as sweet to her ears.

Chris, I hope in some way you will find comfort and encouragement in what I have shared with you, along with all the wonderful folks in this forum. This grief journey is a very hard road to travel, Chris. Please remember you are not alone. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Chris, and please do let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It really has been hard... I thought I was doing okay, well, been keeping busy with work to get my mind off of everything else, but every so often the thoughts of Sugar, the good and the bad (like how she suffered the last few days) just keep coming back. On one hand I want to remember the fun times we've had, but on the other hand I just get so sad and the sense of lost just becomes overbearing.. I don't know if I should pack away everything that reminds me of her... just the other day I opened the linen closet and saw Sugar's towels and I just broke down and cried (like how I am right now, writing this bit).

The holidays are near and obviously I'm in no mood to celebrate.. there will be family and friends visiting, they will be offering their condolences but I really don't want to go into details with them. They will not know how Sugar's last two weeks were like, or the last day, so they will never understand why I can't get over the guilt. I almost feel like I need Sugar's forgiveness but I will not be able to get that closure. I haven't had any dreams about her, it's been pretty much dream-less for me the last few weeks. I don't know what I'm expecting but I think I'll feel better if I have a dream about her, or somehow knowing that she's found me again (she was blind and I'm afraid she couldn't find her way back).

I can empathize with you as I went through a period of time in which I had strong feelings of guilt over Reggie's passing. It's an unfortunate part of the grieving process. I am not sure how or when it happened, but eventually I was able to accept that my wife and I had done everything we could to help Reggie get better. As moon beam said, humans' hindsight is GREAT and unfortunately we tend to dwell on what we could have or should have done. Trust me, I did that for weeks and still do it a little here and there, but I am getting "better" at handling it. The best thing to try is to re-direct your thoughts to one of the countless number of happy memories you have of Sugar whenever your mind takes you to one of those bad times. Those last few weeks are the most vivid in our memories, not only because they are the most recent but because of the trauma we went through during that time. We have to make a conscious effort to remember all those joyful memories.

Maybe you can share some happy stories with your friends and families as they visit you. I know it's easier said than done, but letting others know how special she was and why sometimes helps. You'll know what the best thing is to do when the time arrives. I hope you continue to heal from Sugar's loss. We're here to help however possible,

Hi, Chris, thank you so much for letting us know how you're doing. Chris, your grief is still so very new, and will be for awhile yet. This grief journey is a one day at a time journey, sometimes a one moment at a time particularly during the deep grief.

As Aaron has so very eloquently shared, when we find ourselves focusing on the traumatic moments of our beloved companion's journey, we sometimes need to force ourselves to re-direct our thoughts to other more positive memories, or projects we may be working on. The physical loss of a beloved companion, and the days, weeks, hours, moments leading up to their loss, is very traumatic, and part of the deep grief is healing from this trauma. Part of the early grief is dealing with PTSD, and the physical loss of our beloved companions certainly qualifies as a traumatic event. And, to add to this mix, clinical professionals recognize that the holidays really are not "the most wonderful time of the year" when someone is coping with a traumatic event in their life (how well I know).

During all the "festivities" of the forthcoming weeks try to build in some private time for YOU, Chris - - time that will allow you to just rest. Grieving requires a lot of physical and emotional strength, so it is important that you find time just for you to do what you need to do for you. This is not being selfish - - it is imperative for your physical and emotional health.

And, Chris, I hope and pray with all my heart that someday soon you will come to understand that your precious Sugar does not feel you need any forgiveness. She knows beyond all shadow of a doubt - - as she did during her earthly journey with you - - that you would have moved heaven and earth, walked over hot coals or roiling lava to give her not only what she needed but whatever was her heart's desire. And Chris, her heart's desire was for you to love her - - and that you will always do. And don't worry about her being blind - - during her earthly journey with you her sight was always crystal clear - - for she had the sight that comes with a glowing love in her heart for you. And now - - she is no longer bound to the confines of her physical body - - she has sight that now transcends our physical limitations - - the sight that comes with being with the angels. And you, Chris, are always first and foremost in her heart and thoughts and - - sight.

Chris, I hope in some way what I have shared with you will be a source of comfort and encouragement. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and always look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I'm sorry for your loss, your not the only one feeling what you feel. Your not alone and your emotions are all justified, and will ease over time. It's been a month for me, and it seems to get a bit easier... but it still keeps creeping up on me out of the blue and sets me back as if it where yesterday. You provided a good life for your family member, what else was there you could do?