I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I am so glad to have found this site and hear everyone's stories because it makes me feel less alone.

I'm new here and I just found out that my family euthanized my dog and didn't tell me till now, two days later. So I feel a double whammy, the loss of my dog and I feel betrayed. Who I call "my" dog is the family dog that I grew up with who lives with my parents and my sister. I consider him my dog because whenever I go to my parents', he follows me around. I had known that I would be losing him at some point. We had almost euthanized him one month ago. He didn't have any medical conditions, other than age related things like arthritis, losing his sight, hearing, sense of smell, bad teeth, but I think my family felt it was time. But one month ago, things were complicated by the fact that he developed a corneal ulcer and that seemed to make everyone make this hasty decision to euthanize him. At that time, I went to my parents' and saw him and specifically asked my sister to let me know if they were going to euthanize him. I was going to abide by their decision, since they were, after all, taking care of him. I told her I trusted her, even though I could not trust my parents who have a tendency to lie to me, but I felt like I could trust her. But no one called me and told me they were planning on euthanizing him. I had even called them on Monday, the day before they had scheduled him to be euthanized and no one gave me a clue. I called them yesterday and they didn't tell me. Only today did they call me and leave a message on my voicemail. All I wanted was to be there for him because I know he would have been scared. I wanted to say good-bye. I am so angry that my family took that away from me and there's nothing I can do about it now. And I don't know how to get over this betrayal. To Daryl, who recounted a similar experience, how did you get over it? And from my family there's no apology and I don't know how I can ever talk to any of them again.

Oh, that is devistating and heart breaking. I don't know which is worse. Euthinizing or the 'betrayal'. First and foremost, look after yourself. Allow yourself to grieve your loss. Anger is one of the steps of grieving.

I can relate to your feelings. My first dog and the one of the puppies she had were my dogs. I got Midnight (a Heinz 57) for my 10th birthday present and she had her one and only litter of pups when I was a 11. My parents kept one of the pups (Princess) 'for my older brother' but it was I that always took care of them. When I was 17 (young and stupid) I 'ran away' from home and hitch hiked to Toronto from Vancouver. I got a job and everything. After getting 'busted' back east, I had second thoughts about what I was doing with my life and quit my job and flew back to Vancouver to get back into school so I could graduate. When I got home, of course the parents were rather reluctant to take me back in (understandable considering the way I left, big fight and all and I had been gone for almost 2 months) but they did. When they took me home from the airport, one of the first things I did was race to the backyard to see the dogs that I had abandoned. They were not there. That's when they told me that they were both put to sleep. When I left, to be honest, I hadn't even considered the dogs, just assumed that their lives would continue on with my parents. I felt alot of guilt about that afterwards.

My parents couldn't be bothered to look after them and figured they were disposable I guess. I don't think it was my mom. She was rather submissive and Dad ruled the roost so another thing that my Dad and I had between us. I never did forgive him for that (or any of the other wrongs he had done to me) not even when I beside my Dad at his death bed. He asked for forgiveness for the things he had done wrong to me but I just couldn't tell him it was okay. It wasn't. I never forgave him. I don't know if I did the right or wrong thing but I live with my decision.

In short, it may be something you can't forgive. I'm not recommending holding a grudge like I sort of did. Like the grieving process, time tends to ease things. Not make right, just make it easier to deal with. I do suggest you have a sit down with your family (all of them, either individually or as a group) when you're strong enough and find out why. You're going to be angry (you probably are right now too) at their response.

Having said all that, be realistic about it. In your absence, perhaps your dog took a major turn for the worse and it was the 'right' time. Perhaps they didn't tell you in order to 'protect' you (Parents do this thinking it's the best way of handling it, I know from experience). Either way, talk to your family.

I feel your pain too. It's the 4 week anniversary of the last time I saw my Ava alive, I tend to dwell on that more so than finding her at the bottom of the stairs. It's so difficult to express all the pain that we am feeling. I too considered the backyard when purchasing houses. This one is actually too big to fence (econimcally anyway) and she was used to being on a chain... The 100' pulley run was a bonus for her. The house and yard seem so empty with out our muttlies. It will get better with time, the question is when. I don't expect a light switch recovery out of this and if the saying is correct (a month for each year) we both still have a long ways to go.

Thanks for your response Gort. I could probably post pages and pages about my situation because it seems so complicated. Suffice to say, I kind of know why my family didn't tell me. Sadly, in a way, I thought it might happen because my parents are apt to do things like this. Which is why when I visited my parents and my dog last month, I specifically asked the vet to have my pet privately cremated and have the ashes returned to me if my family did euthanize without my knowledge. I gave her my cell phone number and my credit card info so she could charge me. She never called though and I don't know if my dog will have a private cremation now. When I was home last month and thinking of my dog dying, I was in tears constantly. It was a horrible time for me. In a strange way, I feel like I grieved his loss then and I feel kind of numb now. In a way, it doesn't seem real. I don't doubt that my parents loved our dog. They took care of him for almost 16 years, my mom especially. I think they didn't tell me because it made things easier on them by not having to deal with my grief, so now instead, I feel dumped on by grieving both my dog and my family because I don't know how to get over their betrayal. I also know part of the reason they decided to euthanize now is because my parents are going on a trip out of the country and my sister can't or won't take care of our dog.. My parents are retired so it's a bit easier for them to take care of him. I live 2000 miles away. I know my mom took good care of him but I just wish they hadn't done this at the last. I never took my dog with me because with my parents, he had a backyard and my parents are retired so they are home more and they took him on long walks in the morning which I couldn't have done and I also felt that my parents would have missed him terribly if I took him, or at least my mom would have, and I think my dog would have missed my mom very much.

I had it all planned out what I would do for him when we decided to euthanize. I wanted to take him outside and let him simply be there for a while because more than anything, he loved going out for a walk. Then I was going to feed him a big steak or something very, very good and he could have as much of it as he wanted. I was going to be with him all the way although I knew it was going to be horrible for me. All I wanted was for them to tell me, give me warning, and I would have been there. I feel like my family cheated me. What could have been done right, they made into the worst situation possible.

Dina,
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all those emotions. Gort has some wise words and experience for you to think about. Nothing hurts more than when your family does something you can't understand. I'm so very sorry you are having to experience this.

Libby

topic has been split off another post...hope i did it right.

Sorry for not posting in the right place, thanks for moving the thread.

Thanks for your kind words Libby.

nah dina, nothing's wrong here. did make sense to split the topic tho...if you want a more compelling topic
title (i wasnt feeling inspired this morning), just let me know!

Dina,

The loss of a beloved pet is tramatic enough. Being betrayed by one's own family is as bad if not worse. Having to deal with both issues at the same time is indeed a double whammy. I'm personally at a loss for any comforting words. Gort supplied good advice based on experience, so I can only hope his words of comfort helped you in some way.

I'm truly sorry you must experience this pain. Please know I share your pain and I'm hoping you will find the comfort and understanding you are seeking here. Keep us posted on how things are going for you.

You're in my thoughts,
__Jim

Hi Dina,

I'm so very, very sorry.

You are so right: it's the betrayal and lack of empathy on top of the grief that gives it a double (triple!) whammy.

How did I get over it? I wish I had an easy answer. The truth is, I didn't. It happened 26 years ago, and I still feel angry and hurt and betrayed whenever I think of it. As with your family, mine does not apologize, doesn't even acknowledge that they might have been inconsiderate. They turn these things around so that they become your problem, not theirs. Since I'll never be able to have the kind of healing discussion with them that would be needed to get past my feelings, I'm afraid this hurt is just going to linger. (Yes, you can say that I need to let go of it and forgive them for my own sake. I've tried. But the underlying lack of respect for anyone else's feelings is still there in them; similar incidents continue to happen in the rare times I still visit them. This wound just hasn't healed for me.)

I'm torn, Dina. There's a part of me that never wants to talk to my family again either, for all the ways they've trampled my feelings and personal boundaries. But then I start feeling guilty. All of that childhood conditioning about Family being so all-fired important, and how it's somehow all right for people to walk all over you as long as they're genetically related. That darned conditioning is insidious, it shows up in subtle and unexpected ways. They have ten thousand invisible little strings that they can use for manipulation if I drop my guard around them.

Also, I get tired of having to fight so hard with them just to be heard. We can't just talk. If anything is going to change, I have to take a hard stand and be confrontational. That's not easy for me. Then it becomes a fight and everyone goes off feeling angry and frustrated. And even if confronting them does work, they twist it so that they're not to blame. There's always got to be some enemy outside the family who's responsible. Ex-spouses are among my mother's favorite "devils" to blame for anything bad that happens. And if that doesn't work, then the problem is that I'm "too sensitive," never that they could possibly be too insensitive.

Sorry, I'm not being very coherent here. As you can see, this still triggers some deep, deep issues for me.

I think this kind of thing was exactly what led me to begin my much-needed break from my family, though. After this and a few other horrible episodes of not being respected or heard, I simply stopped sharing anything important with them, stopped counting on them for any kind of emotional support. I still interact with them, but it's all about surface things. They don't really care what's inside me as long as I conform to their expected behaviors. I'm obligated to them only because they gave birth to me and fed, clothed, and housed me when I was little. I don't really love them, for they've given me nothing to truly love. So, I just go through the motions when I have to, and pretend I'm an orphan the rest of the time. My REAL family is my wonderful wife, our furbabies, our dear friends, and my sweet daughter (from my first marriage).

If you're strong enough to break those emotional ties with your family, or at least your dependence upon them, I think you'll save yourself some future hurts. If they'll betray you like they did this time, then I'll bet money they've done it before and will continue to do it again. After all, it's what they're used to doing. Why should they change if you're willing to keep coming back and putting up with it?

I'd suggest writing them a letter telling them how you feel, how what they did hurt you and left you feeling betrayed. But if they're like my own family, it may not work. The few times I tried that, my words got twisted completely around. My mother read things into the letters that simply were not there, not by any stretch of any reasonable imagination. I bared my heart, and what I got back was a scathing attack (also in writing) and a verbal warning from my father to "never do that again." So, to hell with them. They don't want to know me. They don't even care enough to try. I'm only important as the little son-bot who they raised to go off to college and get a good job.

Blast, I keep venting at you. I'm sorry! But I'm very raw emotionally right now with Kirby's death so fresh, and the thing we're discussing is very, very close to the surface today.

I'm not trying to discourage you, only to caution you: be prepared for them to respond very badly to your attempts to share or work through your hurt with them. They probably will not want to see that they've done anything wrong, and you will become The Enemy for daring to disturb the sacred family harmony -- even more so if that harmony is a false crust over a mantle of emotional abuse, which I'm guessing it is.

Dina, if you want to talk about any of this offline, please feel free to e-mail me. You can do that by clicking on "Members" and searching for "Daryl."

Best of luck, Dina. I know this particular pain far too well, and my heart goes out to you.

-- Daryl

Dina,

I like Gort's reply. He's wise, and is a lot more rational and fair-minded about this than I'm able to be today.


-- Daryl

Hi Dina--I am so sorry about your beloved friend.
I agree with you that your parents didn't tell you to spare themselves the hardship of telling you. That plus the fact that it was probably very hard for them--well it all makes sense that they handled it very "passively aggressively".
I want to share something odd with you that I don't tell many people. My only sibling (my 1/2 brother) died in a car accident in 1996. I come from a very small family--and we all lived far away from one another. At the time my brother died I was in Oregon, he lived in Georgia and my mother was in Florida. My mother & brother were estranged when he died and my mother was in the hospital at the time barely hanging onto life herself. Here is the bizarre part. I made the executive decision to NOT tell my mother until later about my brother's demise. Was she mad at me? yeah, a little. But she did see why I postponed telling her and she forgave me. I am telling you this very convoluted story because I really think your parents had your best interests at heart. I don't blame you one bit for feeling cheated and upset. I am also betting your parents could hardly stand the idea of breaking this news to you and they were themselves overwrought too. I want to advise you to have forgiveness in your heart...but you know best whether or not you can do this.
{{{{{{{{{Dina}}}}}}}}}}} I know your pooch is happy with our pets at the rainbow bridge and that you will see him again one day. My heart goes out to you!
Love,
Patti

I can't add much to what the others have written. I just wanted to offer my sympathy for the loss of your beloved dog.

dee dee

To LSsupport, the title is fine, thanks.

Jim, thanks. You're right, it really does help when others share their stories. This place has been very, very helpful.

Daryl, thanks for your honest response. What you said is exactly right, it's the absolute lack of respect for me and my decisions. What occurred is really just a reflection of the problems in my family. Right now, there's no way I can handle even remotely communicating with them. In a way, I think it would be easier for me to break things off with them than try to stay in touch with them. Please, go ahead and vent! I certainly am. If you can believe, what I found out today has made things even worse. I feel like my family's evil. I know they're not, but I feel like they are. So the vet called me back today regarding the private cremation. I know she was trying to comfort me, she was going on and on about how it was his time, blah, blah, blah, but that wasn't comforting me. All I wanted to know were the details of what happened, since I don't expect any truth out of my family and even if they tell me the truth, how can I believe anything they say? When I had seen the vet one month ago, she had put a note in the chart that I wanted private cremation so when my dog was euthanized, the vet staff and the vet had asked my family four or five times if they wanted private cremation and showed them a note saying that I wanted that. My family said no. I was of course going to pay for it. I would have paid for everything, the euthanasia and the cremation. That was not a big deal for me. The killer is, I think that's why they didn't tell me about my dog till two days after, because they didn't want me to find out and then try to have him privately cremated because they didn't want me spending my money doing that. They don't think my dog is worth that. It's not even THEIR money but they're trying to stop me from "wasting" my money doing that. They're not the ones who are going to get the ashes and take responsibility for it, they're not going to be the ones to pay for this, but they don't want ME to do this because they don't think my dog is worth it and they simply do not care what I want. They think me stupid perhaps, ridiculous, foolish, to spend money to privately cremate my dog and have his ashes returned to me and so they were trying to prevent me from doing so by not telling me about my dog's death till two days later, when they thought that it was safe and I could not do anything about him anymore. This is what I strongly suspect. I'll never know for sure but this is exactly how they would think and act and I know I'll never get the truth from them. Thankfully, the vet can still do private cremation and have my dog's ashes sent to me because the cremation service only picks up once a week. The private cremation is a little comfort. It's so unbelievable to me that my family could be so evil but I can't deny the truth of all this. Your letter writing suggestion sounds good but the other problem with my family is that there is a language barrier, not just emotionally but my parents and I literally don't speak the same language. I'm not fluent in their language, they're not fluent in my language.

Patti - I understand what you're saying and thanks for sharing your story. Right now, everything's too fresh and raw but I know your words come from the heart.

Thanks deedee.

Gort - I didn't say it before but your story about your dad, I can totally relate to it, although for me, I think it would be both my parents. They're about 60 and 70 now and I think about their mortality, especially with my dog dying and it just makes me even angrier that they would pull something like this, to make me want to put distance between me and them when there might not be that much time left for us. I feel like I'll just end up feeling guilty later on, despite the fact that I know they did me wrong here. It's like a neverending cycle.

All this stuff seems to have become less about my dog and more about my family problems. He seems to be getting lost in this. Right now, I don't feel I can pay tribute to him here the way I want to due to all this other stuff but he was a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful dog. I hope I can talk about him later.

I hear you Dina. I thought about going into a little bit of my history but that's not what is important here. I have to be careful on my wording because the parent in me might come out...

If I might suggest, take some time... a 'cooling off' period if you will and grieve if you can. Try to put family history in the closet for the time. I think you may be letting your anger get the better of you at the moment. It's no doubt being enhanced by your sense of loss and feelings of loneliness. You need to take some time for YOU so that you can get a proper perspective on things.

Can I ask what your dog's name was (aside from "my" dog)?

I'm glad to hear that you were able to get the cremation sorted out. I wasn't aware that they did 'group' cremations until after I started coming to LS and I had already made the arrangements so I don't know if I have Ava in the box or a collection of other animal ashes. I wasn't told of any option like that so I will believe that it was individualy done. I don't want to know at this point.

Gort - I appreciate you going into your history. It makes me feel better to hear other people's stories and whatever you need to say, as a parent or in any other role, I would like to hear it.
My dog's name was Westley.
As for the whole cremation thing, I hope I didn't give off the impression that I'm judging what anyone else chooses to do with their pet because I am not. The thing that bothered me the most about the whole thing is my family's complete and utter disregard for any of my wishes and how actively they tried to thwart what I wanted and seemed to think what I wanted was of no consequence. I was told it would be a private cremation but do I know for sure? No, since I'm not going to be physically present.

As for cooling off, I think I am going to be doing that. Anger makes one very tired.

Dina,

Gort makes some good points about taking time and cooling off. It may well be that in the twisted way of families, yours really is doing what they think amounts to looking out for your "better interests."

The idea that animals may be more than "things" that somehow move around on their own is still rather new to Western civilization. In our parents' time, animals were possessions, objects to be used and discarded.

Yes, I still have a lot of anger and distrust toward my family for the things that have happened with them, especially relating to my pets. But now that my temper's cooled a little again, I can see where their attitude comes from. I don't agree with it, but I do sort of understand it. My family and I speak the same verbal language, so you'd think we'd have a better chance of communicating. I guess our emotional and spiritual linguistics simply don't match up....

Something you said really hit home for me, though: it's painful and shocking that your parents would do something to drive you further apart when you see yourself having so little time left with them and wanted to feel closer. I hadn't seen that, but when I read your words I knew it was true for me, too.

I'm glad you were able to arrange the kind of cremation for Westley that you wanted, despite the obstacles.


Best wishes and deepest sympathies,

-- Daryl

I appreciate your support. I just don't think that my family did what was in my best interest. I think they did what was in their interest even if they falsely convinced themselves that they were really looking out for me and damn the consequences. If I was 12 or something like that, I could see it as something a parent would do to protect a child but I'm not 12. It's like what Gort said about them continuing to act the same way and not change or anything since I continue to return and put up with it, but not this time. This is really the worst thing they've done though. The private cremation...if I hadn't done that, his ashes wouldn't have been returned to anyone. He would have simply been cremated. Yet another huge difference, the fact that this is important to me and it isn't important to them and they have no respect for what's important to me despite the fact that it wouldn't put them out in any way or trouble them in any way to respect my wish. I'm sorry, I know I'm going on and on about this. There are a lot of complicated issues regarding this.

Hi Dina,
listen, kiddo here at lightning strikes you are definately allowed to "go on and on" about anything you want! Believe me, when I got here I went "on and on" over and over! (and I still do from time to time)!
Being able to process your feelings is a huge part of your healing and I hope you will do just that for however long it takes. We'll all be here listening--you've always got the floor here about whatever you want.
I am very glad you will get Wesley's ashes. I am so glad I have Ginger's ashes. It is a comfort to me. Many people don't understand that --your parents are no doubt in that camp.

Hi Dina,

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was taking your family's side over yours. I was just trying to be a little more broad-minded than I was able to be in my first reply to you. I didn't want to accidentally make things worse by letting my own assumptions and emotional triggers get in the way.

For myself, I have to keep chanting that my family isn't going to change, but that they are probably doing the best they can from their own perspective and within the limits of their own emotional and mental abilities. My Mom's simply not capable of expressing tender emotions, so I can't ever expect them from her. In my own parents' case, I think they mean well and that they don't have any evil intent, but I still need to guard and protect myself from them emotionally.

Your situation with your parents isn't exactly the same as mine, and I apologize with all my heart if I caused you to feel upset or defensive with my post.

-- Daryl

gingerspal - thanks. I just felt like I was going on ad nauseum.

Daryl, there's no need for an apology! There are many similarities between your family situation and mine. I was not at all upset by anything you wrote. Rather, I have found you and others to be very supportive and comforting. That's really sweet of you to be so concerned and sensitive.