I'm having another attack of guilt.

I can't bring myself to look at Luba's photos these days. It feels like I'm just getting along in the world again, and if I think about her, or look at her photos I get this gut-wrenching grief attack all over again.

I seem to be semi-ok looking at her "puppy-pics" but the adult ones make me miss her so much.

I feel so horrible about not wanting to see her image.

Hi Steph,
I just wanted you to know that it has taken me a little over a year to look at my Sparky photos and it still hurts. It takes time, so please give yourself that for now and one day you will find that you are ready to look at her photos.

Hi Steph,

Please don't feel guilty. I have similar feelings about being afraid to think too much about my Little Girl. I'm still afraid of the gut-wrenching crying jags.... Then I feel guilty because I haven't cried in awhile... I feel guilty because I don't let myself think or feel all that much. The feelings crash over me like a wave sometimes, and at those times I give in to them.

I think our Luba and Little Girl understand. They don't love us any less because we aren't able to look at their pictures right now, or cry, etc. They know we love them, they really do.

Love to you,

Kathy

i pretty much learned HTML coding doing the first version of this site, so i had to look at tribble's pictures literally
for weeks on end (slow learner ) took me a good while after finishing before i would even look at the site. so i
think its pretty normal what you are going through. now i can look and smile, so give it some time.

Thanks for letting me know that I'm not alone in these feelings. I was starting to feel like such a bad Luba-mom.

Kathy, that's exactly how it is with me now: afraid of the crying, trying not to think or feel too much and then feeling guilty for not thinking/feeling/crying.

It's strange with the photos though. About two weeks after Luba died I went into a "photo frenzy". I brought out all of her photos, and took a lot of time looking at them.

I think it would drive me nuts doing that now.

I guess it has to do with where I'm at in the grieving process.

yes, im sure it does. your grief will turn into fond memories, give it time

Hi Steph,

I'm sure this is all part of the grief process, as you said. And pictures hit some people harder than others, depending on whether you're typically visually stimulated. In my case, I still can't bring myself to look at a picture of Banjo while my ten year old daughter seems to need to look at pictures of him and kisses one every night before bed. So, I hope you won't continue to feel guilty about this as I don't think there's a right or wrong way to grieve. You just have to follow your heart and feelings.

Jackie

I agree with Jackie 1,000%..there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I love looking at my photos of Ginger but on some days it is tough. The photos I have over on the memorial page really tug on my heart, because of the light that comes through the monitor--those photos look so lifelike. The prints that are on paper don't "get" to me quite so much.

Oh Steph -- it's okay -- you know it really is okay. It HURTS to see their photos and just wanting to touch them, hold them, for real, and we can't. Luba would understand. I understand. I had to put almost all of Hannah's pictures and her "stuff" away awhile ago. I have some pictures of her on the refrigerator and sometimes I touch them, and I cry. I always cry when I look at them because I miss her so very much.

I can't read my old posts, I can't read the "grief" books or the poems, and that's why I haven't been on the site much. I just can't handle much of it right now. We can only handle so much, and what we can't handle, our minds just won't accept until we are ready. I don't think that's bad. I think we are healing, each and every one of us, in our own way, in our own time, but the loss never ever goes away. We just learn to live with it and keep caring about others and doing the best we can -- to help each other, to love each other, like our little babies loved us -- unconditionally, without judgment, remembering we have been and are blessed.

Please don't feel bad about not being able to look at your Luba girl. Luba is in your mind, your heart, and your soul -- Luba, your girl.
Marcia

Thanks Marcia,

I can't go back to the grief much these days either. I can't read my old posts, and most days I can't really deal with reading too much of the grief poems either.

I think it's the stage of grief that we are in. We are able to go on with life, but the loss is still much to fresh to think about it too much.

Thanks for your continuing kindness.

Steph