I feel terrible posting about my sorrows again since I really haven't been here for so many of you. I have been through a really tumultuous time with moving, the storm and all that, and it's been a real struggle for me. I know I SHOULD BE thankful just to be alive, to know that my family and friends are okay, and to have my home and my treasured possessions still in tact -- so many people do not because of the storm. I AM grateful, and I AM thankful, BUT I still feel so sad, so blue. It's like my mind knows all these things, but my heart does not. I have a sad, sad heart, and most of the time it feels as if I cannot help it. I feel I SHOULD BE ashamed of myself -- I guess I am -- I KNOW I have been truly blessed in SO MANY WAYS. I KNOW it, but why do I feel so bad, so sad? I know it's NOT right, but sometimes I feel helpless to stop feeling that way. I think and hope as I'm writing this that it's just one of those moments and I will keep feeling better as time goes by, but will always and forever, I suppose, have these lost feelings without my baby girl, as MOST OF US WILL from time to time.

The last time I saw my little girl, Hannah, was on April 19 -- today is September 19. I got up and went to church this morning and was feeling okay. Then after awhile, I started feeling really tired and sad. I then realized TODAY is the 19th. Hannah and Babe would have loved my new place. I so much wish they were here with me (and Maggie). I have been taking Maggie out a lot, and I always feel so sad and bad that Hannah didn't get to go out a lot because she loved it so. I even got a little upset with Maggie today because she just wants to go and go and go where SHE wants to go. It didn't quite seem fair.

I believe part of what has happened here is that the grief has gone deep inside somehow. Maybe partly because I guess I surely SHOULD BE feeling much better than I currently do and most of the time I try to act AS IF I am okay. I guess I HAVE been doing okay really, for the most part. I guess when we feel so down, we forget that it hasn't been all THAT bad. Right now, I don't know. I read some of the poems, and I have today and last night and lots of other times recently, just cried silent tears for my babies -- missing them so. The poems really brought it all back to me -- like I hadn't really thought about THAT day so much for awhile or something. Don't know. Just miss my girl, my best, best girl in the world -- the one who knew me best, who was always with me.

Thanks for listening again. I needed someone to listen again.

Don't beat yourself up for anything-it's completely normal what you're going through. You really shouldn't be ashamed of yourself for anything. It's normal to still feel sadness about your little Hannah. Just remember the grieving process is long and painful, but you will get through it, even though you never will completely get over the loss of your furbaby. I'm really glad you got through the storm okay and I'm going to be praying that everything works out for you.
Hugs,
Dixmuffin

Hi Marcia,

Sorry to hear you're feeling down again. You really shouldn't feel terrible or ashamed about posting how you feel though. Being able to come here and talk about your feelings is why this website is here.

Today is the five month anniversary of BabyHannah's passing from this earth. Many of us are doing the "anniversary" thing as well. I think it's quite normal that you would feel sad when you realize another month has passed.

Please know I understand your overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. It's very frustrating to think we're doing better and then we have the dreaded "relapse" and we feel like we're right back where we started. A few good days, a few bad ones. Surely someday the good ones will out number the bad. But for every bad day we have, we can come to this website and find the comfort we need---even if it's just talking about how we feel. That's the most important thing--talk about it and don't keep it all bottled up inside.

I'm glad to hear you made it through Hurricane Ivan in one piece. Say hi to Maggie for me and be sure and keep us posted on how things are going.

You're in my thoughts,
__Jim

Hi Dear Marcia:

Just a reminder, my friend............

When I first came to this site, and was feeling absolutely lost, drained, confused, SAD, miserable.......you know...
I was feeling HORRIBLE, and ALONE..........even though I had made soooooo many wonderful friends here at LS..

I remember being told, by one of our friends here, that:

"FOR EACH YEAR THAT YOU SPEND WITH YOUR "FURBABY", (or, any kind of pet, for that matter).......
IT TAKES 'ONE FULL MONTH OF SADNESS, GRIEVING, ETC., TO **GET OVER IT**'

There are "many stages to GETTING OVER IT!!!" And, "getting over it", means different things to different people.

(NOT sad, miserable feelings all the time though.... if it were all
the time, that would most likely be pretty severe depression).

You've lost your best girlfriend, with whom you've shared many, many years together......
Don't forget that!!!!!
IT IS A TREMENDOUS LOSS, MARCIA!!!

Take it slow......Little Hannah Girl, she is always with you, my friend....

Goodnight & God Bless you & Maggie,

Love, Denise

Hi there. I don't know if I'm the best person to give you advice but I can tell you you're not alone. It will also be 5 months that we lost our baby and on some days the pain is so deep within our hearts we can hardly take it. Try talking about all the good times you had with your baby. I know we can do that more and more lately. I like the quote from Denise about each year you spend with your furbaby. I go on this site almost every day looking for strength and hoping you will too. Lots of Prayers to you!

Hi Marcia!
You know you can always call me! I am so glad you survived Ivan the terrible!
I agree with what everyone else has written. Lately I am feeling much better about my loss and I don't know how to account for it. I hope you will have the same "shift". One of the things that has possibly helped me is "affirmations"...lol..really!! I always thought they were stupid but one day I decided to start couching things in positive instead of negative terms and also I put things in the present tense. As an example today I have to go to the doctor and I don't want to go! but I wrote in my journal: "I willingly go to the Doctor because I always take good care of myself" (kind of a "lie" but I wrote it down clearly anyway)--now this sounds simplistic but I currently feel better about going. I am not trying to offer up a bandaid here but I wanted to share with you that I am "faking it until I make it"--and it seems to have some value (for me!)
Hope you feel better very soon--maybe we can talk over the phone soon and exchange strategies for improving!!
Love,
Patti

Marcia,

Don't feel alone -- I feel the same way. The initial shock is over now of losing my Jake, but I miss him so much as the days go on, living without him. Deep inside sadness is right, I'm better during the days but I have been having bad dreams, mostly about the last week of his life, I wake up crying about him.

He used to be there at the front window whenever I came home, from the grocery or whatever, I'd see his pretty face there watching for me and soon as he saw me get out of the car, I'd hear his 'woooooooooooooooooooooo', that setter greeting of joy.

So many things I have to get used to not having anymore, all of Jakes little gifts.
It is really hard.